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Seeking advice. I'm in an odd situation w/2 guys courting me, 1 is a pastor.

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by truelove1, Dec 6, 2012.

  1. Maka

    Maka Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are in this awkward situation, but I have to ask again, do you love the man who has been courting you for 2 years? If you can't answer that with a yes then I would not get married. I wouldn't get involved this other guy either, I had a dream about you sounds like a pick up line. :/ I may be wrong but it's weird.
  2. truelove1

    truelove1 Guest

    Does my last reply to you sound reasonable? If not, why do you think it doesn't? I'm seeking honest opinions and I can handle the advice people give me whether I agree or disagree with it.
  3. seashale76

    seashale76 Orthodox Christian and Unapologetic Iconodule

    Eastern Orthodox
    ^This. Except- I'd add this: Why did anyone give this guy permission to court you? Shouldn't you be the one granting permission or not? I realize this courting thing is a relatively new scene. I get it, and I don't. If this is the way you want to do things, then as long as it is understood that YOU get the ultimate decision in who courts you, and who you choose to marry, then great.

    Also, my mother was a PK and went to a Christian university in a town that also has another Christian university (of the same denom) which has a seminary attached. She told me that you would not believe how many guys claimed God showed them she was destined to marry them. So, my take is that any guy who claims he's dreamed about you, or that God showed him you were meant to be, is full of bologna.

    ETA: Having read the rest of this thread and what you've said about your church- it sounds extremely cult like. I'd run far away, if it were me.

    ETA again: You're being coerced. I get the impression this church feels they own you due to helping pay your tuition. Your friends from this church are only caring about what they think God's will is due to what they want for their ministry at that church. It's all about them and what they think. If any of them are really hearing from God on the issue of who YOU should marry- I'll buy a hat and eat it.

    (Oh- since you asked- I was raised Christian and stayed the course for 23 years- had major faith issues in my twenties- came back and have been an active Christian since 2005.)
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2012
  4. BFine

    BFine Seed Planter

    Calvary Chapel
    I'm wondering about your intentions in this situation?
    Why did you allow another man to pursue you in the first place
    when you have made plans for the future with the man who has
    been courting you for two years? Could it be because you are lonely
    and aren't liking not having the one you are in love with around on
    a regular basis?

    When will you reveal the matter to the man you have been in courtship
    with for 2 yrs.?

    You asked could this Outreach pastor be in love with you?
    The answer is: Not yet, but he's attracted to you and desires to know
    you better, that's why he wants you to end your courtship with your
    boyfriend who's not around.

    Real relationships take time to develop and love isn't self seeking... this Outreach pastor is pulling some type of scene out of a romantic movie- the man claims to have seen your face in a dream?
    He's telling you not to marry the man you are in a courtship with for 2 years
    now why would this "stranger" do that? Because he notes that you are drawn to him
    and you are lonely perhaps?

    I highly suspect you are giving him "permission" to pursue you because you
    haven't mentioned one thing about NOT being in his company or NOT talking to him...
    in fact, you mention something about having lunch with him and he confessed
    to being in love with you and that he didn't want to lose you? This is natural when he
    senses that you are interested in him.

    You aren't being taken advantaged of by this Outreach pastor or your church, you are quietly giving him and them the OK.
    Your actions and his actions speak volumes to all who have seen the two of you

    In all honesty, I find that--
    You don't need our advice, you have decided upon what you want to do
    in this situation and you are already praying about it.
    Wait upon the Lord and He will reveal the truth of the matter.
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2012
  5. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    Pick one. Say goodbye to the other and don't look back. The pastor at best seems very immature.
  6. homeofmew

    homeofmew Master Trainer Supporter

    United States
    I hate to put this here if you look closely the poster says being courted by 2 males when he is male himself (profile info) ? He also himself as non- denominational.

    So I am am assuming this guy is gay being courted by gay preachers or this thread is a troll.
  7. truelove1

    truelove1 Guest


    Hi. Trolling wouldn't make any sense in this situation, would it? :) . I checked the wrong box when choosing my gender and I couldn't figure out how to change it. Maybe it can't be changed.
  8. truelove1

    truelove1 Guest


    I cried last night about it actually. I know there's a reason why it happened to me. I've always been through a lot of situation that i need to choose, but with the situation I'm in now, it's quite hard for me..

    Love-marry-church.....very difficult...

    church-marry -love...
  9. Maranatha27

    Maranatha27 Senior Member

    Stick with the first guy
  10. GloryBe!

    GloryBe! Always learning.....

    I'm a Christian married female. I've dated some before my spouse, and I can tell you this for sure: when I'm totally in love with someone, I don't have ANY issue with keeping my heart and every action for that one man. Even being approached by any attractive or interested guy, wouldn't make me feel even a twinge of hesitation towards my man. However, I've also been in a position in which my boyfriend didn't hold my heart at all. In that situation, it is very easy to be tempted by another man. My point is: if you're this conflicted and so very flattered by this new guy, then I would say the first guy didn't hold your heart. I'm just saying this from a female perspective. True love (godly sacrificial love)is a solid anchor.
  11. aiki

    aiki Regular Member

    I'm confused. You are the one who sounds ready to give up on your long-time boyfriend, not the other way 'round. Frankly, you sound rather like you're looking for an excuse to leave the guy who's been courting you for two years. Is this so? If it is, then you should not have led him on all this time. As I said, if you have no serious intention of marrying this guy, then you should not be talking about marriage with him. Doing so is a kind of defrauding: leading a person to believe you wish to do one thing with them when in fact you intend to do the opposite. God condemns this sort of thing in His Word. You seem to be playing pretty fast and loose with the heart of the fellow who has been courting you for two years. This is not right - at all.

  12. Avniel

    Avniel Doing my part each day by being the best me

    And a tad bit cultish
  13. truelove1

    truelove1 Guest

    You mentioned godly sacrifice. The first guy has waited for me (put his life on hold) for almost two years, rejected many women because of his love for me, found a way to help me financially for plane fair when we weren't committed, is willing to travel far for me and is willing to later spend his life savings in order for me to be with him. Those are some of the sacrifices he has made and he is also a devoted Christian. Lack of sacrifice isn't a problem on his part. I'm simply trying to figure out God's will. I want to do whatever God's will is, even if it means choosing not the man I love but instead this pastor if that is God's will. I'm waiting to see and then decide what God's will is. So maybe I should continue allowing this pastor to get to know and court me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2012
  14. truelove1

    truelove1 Guest

    The first guy knows about my situation with the pastor.
  15. brohammer26

    brohammer26 Newbie

    The preachers 'love approach' is not god's will...it is his own. For him and the church to say that is ridicolous and creepy. Stay away from that man.
  16. truelove1

    truelove1 Guest

    I'm waiting to see what God's will is and I'm also afraid of what will happen with the church and I if I choose the first guy because they are so happy with the pastor's interest in me. I'm still going to college also... I'll graduate in April.
  17. seashale76

    seashale76 Orthodox Christian and Unapologetic Iconodule

    Eastern Orthodox
    I'm sorry, but that's messed up. I don't think God wants anyone to punish themselves by marrying someone they don't and/or can't love. It's best not to get married than do that. God isn't petty.

    Are you even friends with these people? Are you compatible? Are you physically attracted to them? Do you even know them well enough to know if they are actually good people? Do you trust them? Do either of them have personality traits that annoy you and would drive you up a wall if you had to live with them for the rest of your life? Do you want to have their babies?

    See, I never had your issues. I've been married thirteen years. I met my husband when I was nineteen. We met through friends and we were friends for quite some time before we ever dated. We share the same faith and values, we are compatible, and we were/are attracted to each other. There was no dithering around about marriage. There was no trumped up proposal. We decided we wanted to get married because the very idea of not being with each other for the rest of our lives was unthinkable. He was the guy I compared all others to. THAT'S how you know. We informed our families that we were getting married. Once we were serious, we started attending church together. We were both adults and we didn't need anyone's permission to get married. THEN we dealt with pastoral marriage counseling, etcetera.

    I honestly don't think God cares who you marry, as long as you share the same faith and are both committed to following Him. You have free will for a reason- so use it.

    ETA: This is the reason that, in the Orthodox Church, our priests have to choose to marry before they are ordained to the deaconate (and then the priesthood). Once they are ordained, that's it. If they're not married, they never will be. If they are married and their wife dies, they will never get remarried.
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2012
  18. Mollie1

    Mollie1 John 3:16 Staff Member Purple Team - Moderator Supporter

    United Kingdom
    Be very careful if you really love the first guy you would not be frightened of the Church's reaction. It seems you just want to please the church and this is no basis for marriage.
  19. BFine

    BFine Seed Planter

    Calvary Chapel
    There's no obligation of repayment unless you personally expressed to your boyfriend
    that you would repay the money he's put forth to help you out.

    A church should help those who are in need if they can afford to do so; however,
    the church should not have strings attached to the "help" they provide to the person
    who is in need. There is no "debt" owed by the needy person to repay whatever the church
    has done for him or her...except to say "thank you."

    When I offer to help someone who is in need, they are under no obligation to repay
    me nor do I imply they are required to repay me.

    Unless you made an agreement with the church who is helping you out
    to repay them for their generosity - you don't "owe" them for coming to your
    financial aid.
  20. truelove1

    truelove1 Guest

    the first guy isn't like that. he would never want me to repay him. that's not an issue, so that's why i didn't mention it. i'm not sure why you mentioned it.

    regarding your advice about the church and their financial help, well, i'm still in college....