Seeking advice. I'm in an odd situation w/2 guys courting me, 1 is a pastor.

[truelove1]

For crying out loud, woman. You're asking people's opinions and advice on a message board. People do make judgments based on given information, whether they want to own up to it or not. You've done it too. If you don't like the responses you're free to ignore the advice and do what you were going to do anyway (just without approval from random internet strangers). People aren't always going to tell you what you want to hear.

The internet is a horrible medium for personal advice anyway.

first off, i don't get mad or offended easily at all. it very rarely happens. so i'm ok with whatever is typed here, but what i meant in my previous message is i don't agree that myself or the church leaders (and maybe the outreach pastor too) have done anything wrong in this situation. it seems like you're telling me there's something wrong with me commenting on advice in my own thread but i don't think i broke any forum rules. another thing i disagree with is your statement that a consensus of a large group of christians is not valuable, because i have noticed some good advice in this thread. that being said, i haven't seen anything in this thread resembling proof of anyone in my situation doing anything wrong.

 

[Avniel]

maybe i'm thinking some of you guys are too judgemental. do you have a right to be judgemental toward the people you mentioned?

I'm not being judgemental I'm stating a fact. You have a boyfriend that is hang on to you despite the fact that you considered building a relationship with someone else even though marriage was brought up. To me that is being wide open so in love with a person that you don't see the red flags. From his prospective he should see the red flags in the relationship. It's crazy that he doesn't but not crazy in a bad way crazy in a way that when he finds that right woman he's going to look back at this like "man I was crazy for that."

As for the pastor I wouldn't say I'm being judgemental I will say I'm just calling him what he is.
“7:18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

7:19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

7:20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

7:21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.”

Excerpt From: Authors, Various. “The King James Bible.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-king-james-bible/id395686695?mt=11

“7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.”

Excerpt From: Authors, Various. “The King James Bible.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-king-james-bible/id395686695?mt=11

“5:2 Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind;

5:3 Neither as being lords over God's heritage, but being ensamples to the flock.”

Excerpt From: Authors, Various. “The King James Bible.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-king-james-bible/id395686695?mt=11

I could write a book on biblical reasons on why this man shouldn't be in the pulpit. He is abusing the word of God. And if I am sinning by thinking what the information you gave me surely leads to then I am sorry. I hate when people pick on the weak and I hate it even more when they do so and use God as a tool in their sin especially when that person is a man of God. In fact if I knew your denomination and church I would certainly report him to his elder pastors. I've saw a story where a man tricked women who were married into having sex with him this man is doing the same thing.

 

[Avniel]

first off, i don't get mad or offended easily at all. it very rarely happens. so i'm ok with whatever is typed here, but what i meant in my previous message is i don't agree that myself or the church leaders (and maybe the outreach pastor too) have done anything wrong in this situation. it seems like you're telling me there's something wrong with me commenting on advice in my own thread but i don't think i broke any forum rules. another thing i disagree with is your statement that a consensus of a large group of christians is not valuable, because i have noticed some good advice in this thread. that being said, i haven't seen anything in this thread resembling proof of anyone in my situation doing anything wrong.

Yes but the advice your getting from your church isn't of God if they are pushing you to date someone that's not right.

 

[Gottservant]

A dream is always by approval of the Holy Spirit.

However, it is still possible to misinterpret.

(Christian for 23)

 

[truelove1]

I'm not being judgemental I'm stating a fact. You have a boyfriend that is hang on to you despite the fact that you considered building a relationship with someone else even though marriage was brought up. To me that is being wide open so in love with a person that you don't see the red flags. From his prospective he should see the red flags in the relationship. It's crazy that he doesn't but not crazy in a bad way crazy in a way that when he finds that right woman he's going to look back at this like "man I was crazy for that."

As for the pastor I wouldn't say I'm being judgemental I will say I'm just calling him what he is.
“7:18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

7:19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

7:20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

7:21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.”

Excerpt From: Authors, Various. “The King James Bible.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-king-james-bible/id395686695?mt=11

“7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.”

Excerpt From: Authors, Various. “The King James Bible.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-king-james-bible/id395686695?mt=11

“5:2 Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind;

5:3 Neither as being lords over God's heritage, but being ensamples to the flock.”

Excerpt From: Authors, Various. “The King James Bible.” iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-king-james-bible/id395686695?mt=11

I could write a book on biblical reasons on why this man shouldn't be in the pulpit. He is abusing the word of God. And if I am sinning by thinking what the information you gave me surely leads to then I am sorry. I hate when people pick on the weak and I hate it even more when they do so and use God as a tool in their sin especially when that person is a man of God. In fact if I knew your denomination and church I would certainly report him to his elder pastors. I've saw a story where a man tricked women who were married into having sex with him this man is doing the same thing.

he approached me in the way he did immediately after seeing me laying on the couch. i can see why a person would think he was motivated by lust and tried to trick me into believing a dream from God was his reason for doing it. however, i don't see how you can rightly assume that his plans are only to have sex with me and then have sex with others.

 

[Avniel]

he approached me in the way he did immediately after seeing me laying on the couch. i can see why a person would think he was motivated by lust and tried to trick me into believing a dream from God was his reason for doing it. however, i don't see how you can rightly assume that his plans are only to have sex with me and then have sex with others.

Because he's a creep. What a creepy thing to do being a pastor, it's not even ethical.

 

[COG2013]

Hi. This forum seems like a great place for Christian fellowship and advice. I'm glad to be a part of it. I'm currently in an unexpected situation and I'd appreciate any advice anyone is willing to give. If you're a pastor, Christian counselor or minister giving me advice I would appreciate it if you make notes of it in your posts and for others please state if you are a Christian and for how long. I was blessed by the advice of a chaplain at this site who encouraged me not to use the pastor's claim of seeing me in a dream as a reason to allow him to court me. I agree with him. Thanks anyone/everyone for your time.

I've been courted by a man for going on two years now. We discussed marriage in the past and recently started talking about the specifics of the marriage plans. Since those recent discussions, I was at a church event and one of the ministers (pastor of outreach) who i didn't know approached me while i was about to sleep there on the couch at the church event. I didn't talk to him before because he wasn't familiar to me. I don't usually mingle with the Outreach Pastors because I'm too busy doing many things in the church office. It was just happened that he saw me sitting in the couch because i went early in the church and planned to rest for awhile. I was just sleeping in the church couch in the lobby area. And he suddenly came to me and initiated a conversation because i was about to sleep. He told me, " I don't know why I do this to you but something is in my heart". He added " you look familiar to me" and then later he told me he saw me in his dream. And i replied maybe you saw me before because you always come here if we have church events. I told him I have someone who waited for me for a long time and we have a plan after i graduate but this pastor still keeps showing interest in me and told me i'm not married to the other guy. He then said he would pray but he saw me in his dream already. He begged me to have lunch with him so that we could talk. This pastor then asked permission to the leaders and Pastor to court and know me. Our Main Church Pastors and leaders gave permission to the pastor who wants to court me. They want me to stay in their/my current location for now and be involved in ministry there but this pastor has been assigned in a new location far from this church. The man I've been discussing marriage plans with has a family operated ministry position, far away, for me and we have discussed that and plans to start a God centered day care ministry in the past until now. The man who's been courting me so long works with kids in ministry like I do. The church wants me to have a happy life, that's why they're so in agreement about one of the Pastors showing interest in me. Before he left during our 2nd talk, while at lunch, he really seriously confessed that he loves me so much and that he doesn't want to lose me. He cried a lot. But i told him i will never say a word which is yes or no and that I don't want to answer him. I don't like to give unsure answers. I have special someone in my heart and we have plans after i graduate. But he said he will pray that God will make a way.

I'll be praying about these situations and I'd like to know any advice anyone is willing to give. Could this pastor truly love me after the one short talk we had? What should I think about the dream he claims to have had about me? What are your opinions on the pastor's approach and behavior toward me, and his behavior regarding the situation between myself and the man who has been courting me for about two years? The pastor also posted some solo pics of himself on facebook posed with his shirt off and in a few of those pics he was looking at himself. Any opinions on that? What should my next move be with the man who has been courting me for about two years and what should I do if i love him? I just want to do God's will for my life.

Thanks so much.

Here is a question for you? Which one do you love? Here is what love is: A willingness to sacrifice, to compromise and sometimes put the needs of the one you love ahead of your own.

How much do you know about the pastor who is courting you? The title of pastor does not make him a good person. What is his history with women? Has he been married before? Did he grow up in an environment of marital abuse? He could be a sheep in wolves clothing. Remember just because the grass may look greener, it may not be a good and comfortable place for you. There are men who show kindness in courtship and become abusive monsters in marriage. BE CAREFUL! God bless you.

 

[Angelfrog]

truelove- I really hope that I haven't sounded judgemental towards you- but I have to say, sweetheart, that even contemplating not speaking to your fiance for a couple of months to 'see if you can do it' is such a bizarre thing to say that I think that sets off a HUGE warning alarm.

When I met my hubby, it was during the summer holidays when I was a student, back in my home town. Of course, I went back to uni, in a different part of the country, when the term started. We got engaged during one of the Christmas breaks, and then I carried on and completed my degree ( I met him during the second year of my three year degree). For much of that time we had to have a long term relationship. At no point would I have cut off contact with him. We spoke by phone as often as we could, and we wrote letters (this was all before mobile phones/ texting/ emails/ Facebook chat etc- in the 80s) If I had ever considered breaking contact with him, without a very good reason, I would have known that there was something seriously wrong.

Can I ask why you would even want to 'see if you do it'?

May I ask a blunt question, hon?

Are you in love with your fiance- enough to want to spend the rest of your life married to him?
You don't even need to tell us- just ask yourself and be VERY HONEST with yourself.

If the answer to that is anything other than a certain 'yes'- then I have to say that you should be hearing the warning bells loud and clear.

I don't think you're an unkind person by nature- I think you care about what others think rather too much- certainly those who you think have some authority over you- and I think you're so tangled up with not wanting to 'offend' others that you're taking your eye off how you're treating your fiance.

Sweetheart- I promise you I don't want to be mean- but if you love him, how could you even contemplate putting him through not communicating with him- and how could you evenwant to not communicate with him?

If you don't love him enough to be able to have belief and conviction in your commitment to marry him- to feel you need to spend time away from him (communication wise) then is it really fair to keep him dangling?
Could you, in all honesty, say right now 'I love this guy- I only want this guy and no-one else and I want to put him first in my life above every other person, second only in my life to God.'

If you can't- then you're in no position to be considering marriage to him- because those aren't vague romantic notions- but things that are more or less paraphrased from standard marriage vows (used over here, anyway).

truelove, after God, who do you feel most loyal too? Your fiance or your church? Again, I realise that there is an issue of commitment with this covenant that you've signed- but put that aside for a moment. Who are you most concerned about upsetting, of the two?

Imagine you're standing on a step at the front of a room. In front of you and to your left is your church (the people in it). in front and to your right is your fiance.

Someone stands right in front of you and tells you that you must publicly to state who you choose to be with. Your covenant is fulfilled so that isn't an issue. You may choose only one and will not see the other again.
You are told that if you choose your fiance, there's nothing to stop you attending any other church at all, so you are not being asked to choose him over church life- just him or this particular church.

The choice is yours alone. So- who would you chose?

I think it's pretty obvious where this is going, truelove, and what it implies. I know I'm throwing questions at you- but sometimes it takes someone to make you think about those answers in order to help yourself to understand your real feelings and motivations.

If you don't want to answer those questions on here- that's fair enough, truelove. The important thing is that YOU think hard about the answers. I think you need to understand yourself on this before you can commit to anyone else.