Seeking advice. I'm in an odd situation w/2 guys courting me, 1 is a pastor.

[truelove1]

Can you talk to your mother about this?

Yes, I plan to. I wonder who's desires I should allow to impact my decision more, my mother's or the church leaders. My mother has been happy about my plans with the first guy.

 

[truelove1]

Can they help you? Not the church friends - but the family and friends unconnected with church? Will they sit with you, pray with you, advise you?

Maybe they will offer advice. Are you saying you think I should consider the 2nd guy as an option for marriage also, along with the 1st guy? If so, you're the first on this thread who has.

 

[Joy]

To be honest I believe God would not lead you to a relationship with this pastor when you are courting your boyfriend and making plans for marriage Your current boyfriend sounds committed to you but you do not seem committed back. You need to seriously consider his feelings and not just your own.

 

[Girder of Loins]

Ummmmm... What do you want? The guy you're already with or the pastor? It doesn't matter how well the pastor can love you if you can't love him equally back. Do what you want, not your church, not your parents, not your friends, but you and God. If God clears them both, then go with what you want more and don't look back.

 

[truelove1]

Ummmmm... What do you want? The guy you're already with or the pastor? It doesn't matter how well the pastor can love you if you can't love him equally back. Do what you want, not your church, not your parents, not your friends, but you and God. If God clears them both, then go with what you want more and don't look back.

I've been wanting to marry the first guy. Anyway, yes, I'm waiting to see what God has decided (will show me) about the 2nd guy, the pastor, if he is His will for me or not.

 

[seashale76]

I've been wanting to marry the first guy. Anyway, yes, I'm waiting to see what God will decide about the two guys.

Then you really don't have a dilemma. If you and the first guy want to marry each other, then get married. However, considering this thread, PLEASE get pre-marital counseling.

ETA: Don't treat God as your magic eight ball. Also, don't randomly flip through your bible hoping God will reveal answers to you based on the first words you see. That's divination.

 

[truelove1]

The first guy and I made plans to marry but we're still lifting those plans up to God. That's my view on it. In the past I refused the guys who came on so strong with me so suddenly ("I love you") and trying to arrange a relationship with me without knowing me very well first. I've also been faithful in the past with rejecting guys who became interested in me, because of my feelings and relationship with the man I've been making plans with. But with this pastor and my church leaders it's more difficult to reject them because I don't want to hurt the leaders.

The collaborative view I've seen so far from this thread seems to be that this kind of an approach from the pastor isn't characteristic of an action that would be God's will due to his instant "love" , his lack of respect for my situation (being in a two year courtship) and the lack of consideration for the man's situation who has courted me for two years. It also appears that the people here on this forum view the actions of the church leaders as being coercion. So maybe I should consider this in my decision since my goal in my situation has been to find out what God's will is. Does anyone have anymore advice on this?

 

[Hetta]

Maybe they will offer advice. Are you saying you think I should consider the 2nd guy as an option for marriage also, along with the 1st guy? If so, you're the first on this thread who has.

I don't really think he's an option, no. I find his 'dream' about you and obsessive behavior odd, to say the least. IMO, a godly man or woman may see a member of the opposite sex in church, and be struck by attraction, or have heard a good report and find that attractive. But, when they find out that this man or woman is already on the verge of engagement, imo, they should butt out and wait for the next man or woman who comes along, and is single and available. He had no right to approach you. The church membership had no right to authorize his courtship with you. I don't know which denomination this is, but they do not control you, either because you attend their church, or because they chose to pay for your schooling. It should be no strings attached.

 

[Hetta]

The first guy and I made plans to marry but we're still lifting those plans up to God. That's my view on it. In the past I refused the guys who came on so strong with me so suddenly ("I love you") and trying to arrange a relationship with me without knowing me very well first. I've also been faithful in the past with rejecting guys who became interested in me, because of my feelings and relationship with the man I've been making plans with. But with this pastor and my church leaders it's more difficult to reject them because I don't want to hurt the leaders.

Sweetie, the leaders have not taken your plans, feelings, hopes, dreams, intentions .. or anything .. into consideration.

The collaborative view I've seen so far from this thread seems to be that this kind of an approach from the pastor isn't characteristic of an action that would be God's will due to his instant "love" , his lack of respect for my situation (being in a two year courtship) and the lack of consideration for the man's situation who has courted me for two years. It also appears that the people here on this forum view the actions of the church leaders as being coercion. So maybe I should consider this in my decision since my goal in my situation has been to find out what God's will is. Does anyone have anymore advice on this?

Your summary is very accurate! These are all red flags to me, too.

 

[BFine]

I say this, if you don't have inner peace about marrying your
boyfriend, then don't marry him.

 

[Avniel]

The first guy and I made plans to marry but we're still lifting those plans up to God. That's my view on it. In the past I refused the guys who came on so strong with me so suddenly ("I love you") and trying to arrange a relationship with me without knowing me very well first. I've also been faithful in the past with rejecting guys who became interested in me, because of my feelings and relationship with the man I've been making plans with. But with this pastor and my church leaders it's more difficult to reject them because I don't want to hurt the leaders.

I married my college sweat heart we dated since our freshmen year. If she was in your position it would have changed my view of her entirely. The first guy you have dated and pretty much wasted his time for two years sounds like a good guy. However you have allowed your church leaders to do damage to the relationship you two share. Your bond with him will never be the same because he knows where he stands with you. It's not about God's will it's about your church's will and that to me shows how much you value the first guy. It shows an unfaithful personality and an easily manipulated mindset when it comes to him. You are so worried about the church leaders feeling rejected and not worried about how this man that you have been with for two years is feeling.

The collaborative view I've seen so far from this thread seems to be that this kind of an approach from the pastor isn't characteristic of an action that would be God's will due to his instant "love" , his lack of respect for my situation (being in a two year courtship) and the lack of consideration for the man's situation who has courted me for two years. It also appears that the people here on this forum view the actions of the church leaders as being coercion. So maybe I should consider this in my decision since my goal in my situation has been to find out what God's will is. Does anyone have anymore advice on this?

I honestly feel that your church leaders are spiritually abusive and manipulative if I were you I would leave the church and write a letter explaining why I left.

I don't think you are ready to be married I don't think you have reached that level. Marriage is a commitment and it takes a lot of work either man you marry you have to stick it out with them. I think this issue you are having is God's way of telling you not yet.

If you were anywhere near ready to marry the first guy you wouldn't have even asked this question. If you were ready to marry him nobody could stop you but God. The second guy is not going to be a good husband because he doesn't respect you, he doesn't value you, he's manipulative and selfish. If you marry him you will be in for a world of disappointment and heartache.

 

[Avniel]

Sweetie, the leaders have not taken your plans, feelings, hopes, dreams, intentions .. or anything .. into consideration.


Your summary is very accurate! These are all red flags to me, too.

It's more like warning shots

 

[truelove1]

I say this, if you don't have inner peace about marrying your
boyfriend, then don't marry him.

yes, i agree with that. that's a good general rule to apply. i didn't start this thread due to a lack of peace about the guy who's been courting me for so long. i started the thread to get advice and insight into the new situation that has come up between the pastor, myself and some of the church leaders.

 

[truelove1]

I =If you were ready to marry him nobody could stop you but God. The second guy is not going to be a good husband because he doesn't respect you, he doesn't value you, he's manipulative and selfish. If you marry him you will be in for a world of disappointment and heartache.

He and I are lifting our plans up to God. I do want to marry him. I have told him I hope God makes a way out for me of this situation with the 2nd guy and the church leaders.

 

[Avniel]

He and I are lifting our plans up to God. I do want to marry him. I have told him I hope God makes a way out for me of this situation with the 2nd guy and the church leaders.

If he means that much to you then it isn't going to be hard to tell the second guy no.....it's going to be even easier to tell the church leaders no....You know they aren't God.

Send them an email, write the church or send them a text and turn around and walk away and never come back.

 

[BFine]

Agreeing with Avniel 100%

 

[anglozaxon]

He and I are lifting our plans up to God. I do want to marry him. I have told him I hope God makes a way out for me of this situation with the 2nd guy and the church leaders.

Praying

 

[Ark100]

Hi. what should I do if i love him? I just want to do God's will for my life.

Thanks so much.

what the pastor is doing sounds to me like a police officer who is using his title, badge and uniform to manipulate and control weak people that are innocent.
I dont know what the pastor truly saw but regardless of what he saw, hey a lot of people appear in people's dreams. If every guy that appeared in my dream was meant for me. WOW....that would be a lot of 'husbands'

You are a child of God, you have a mind, body, soul and a brain. You WILL decide what you want and who you want in your life. Of course by seeking God along the way. HE will reveal the truth to you. You don't allow a man to manipulate and control you. As much as the pastor can see something from God concerning you. You can even see MORE from God concerning yourself.

I have been in a slightly similar situation before as well, but this person was not a pastor, just a regular congregation member that our pastor liked very much. This member showed interest in me and told the pastor rather than tell me. I was newly seeing someone else at the time by the way. The pastor told me he would like me to get to know this member. I didnt even know what the guy looked like. We never spoke, he only probably saw me around the church.

I told the pastor i was 'kind of getting to know' someone else at the moment, and he said "I will really prefer you to get to know this person" he meant the member of his church. WHAAAATTT??? My pastor hasn't even met the guy I was seeing before.

Moral of the story. Ultimately it was my decision.I don't like people influencing my decisions and life. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Yes God does send people through people, and God's ways are vast and unfathomable, and I do not condemn anyone or any servant of God for trying to help or do what they believe God is asking of them.

But it has to be YOUR decision, not what the pastor says, not what anyone else says. You are the one who will live with your 'husband' for life and it should not be a decision that will be influenced by others. It has to be God's influence ALONE and you being sure that it is God who has signed and sealed it, and your heart is also in it as well. GOD is the only one who never makes mistakes. So seek Him with all your heart. If you have to fast for days, pray and really get into it, keep going. The Lord will answer you and you will have PEACE of mind.

 

[aiki]

Maybe you're incorrect on this. Maybe it's just that you and I don't choose a spouse the same way. You chose based on love and compatibility only, so you chose because of feelings. I want to choose whatever God's will is for my life and ministry. I want God to choose my husband for me. I want God to show me beyond any doubt who He wants me to marry. I'm hoping God will give a clear sign.

God has given you a Bible full of wisdom which He expects you to employ in making life decisions. As Seashale has said, "God isn't your magic 8-ball." Any fool can take and follow orders; God wants you to be a woman who is wise and able to effectively apply His principles and truths to daily living - including who to marry.

The idea that God has one specific person ready for you to marry is silly. What happens if Joe marries Sally, but she is the wrong one for him? What if Sally was supposed to marry Bill, but now that she has married Joe, Bill ends up marrying Betty? And what happens to Gary who was supposed to marry Betty but who, because she has married Bill, ends up marrying Jill who was supposed to marry Harry...and on and on. If just one guy marries the wrong gal a myriad of wrong marriages result. Do you really think this is the way God operates? I don't think so.

"In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established." You have more than two or three people all saying the same thing about your situation. A wise person would take this as an indicator of truth.

Selah.

 

[anglozaxon]

what the pastor is doing sounds to me like a police officer who is using his title, badge and uniform to manipulate and control weak people that are innocent.
I dont know what the pastor truly saw but regardless of what he saw, hey a lot of people appear in people's dreams. If every guy that appeared in my dream was meant for me. WOW....that would be a lot of 'husbands'

You are a child of God, you have a mind, body, soul and a brain. You WILL decide what you want and who you want in your life. Of course by seeking God along the way. HE will reveal the truth to you. You don't allow a man to manipulate and control you. As much as the pastor can see something from God concerning you. You can even see MORE from God concerning yourself.

I have been in a slightly similar situation before as well, but this person was not a pastor, just a regular congregation member that our pastor liked very much. This member showed interest in me and told the pastor rather than tell me. I was newly seeing someone else at the time by the way. The pastor told me he would like me to get to know this member. I didnt even know what the guy looked like. We never spoke, he only probably saw me around the church.

I told the pastor i was 'kind of getting to know' someone else at the moment, and he said "I will really prefer you to get to know this person" he meant the member of his church. WHAAAATTT??? My pastor hasn't even met the guy I was seeing before.

Moral of the story. Ultimately it was my decision.I don't like people influencing my decisions and life. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Yes God does send people through people, and God's ways are vast and unfathomable, and I do not condemn anyone or any servant of God for trying to help or do what they believe God is asking of them.

But it has to be YOUR decision, not what the pastor says, not what anyone else says. You are the one who will live with your 'husband' for life and it should not be a decision that will be influenced by others. It has to be God's influence ALONE and you being sure that it is God who has signed and sealed it, and your heart is also in it as well. GOD is the only one who never makes mistakes. So seek Him with all your heart. If you have to fast for days, pray and really get into it, keep going. The Lord will answer you and you will have PEACE of mind.

My goodness how many churches does this sort of controlling behaviour occur in? I have never heard of this in a church before this thread.