Seeking advice. I'm in an odd situation w/2 guys courting me, 1 is a pastor.

[truelove1]

Hi. This forum seems like a great place for Christian fellowship and advice. I'm glad to be a part of it. I'm currently in an unexpected situation and I'd appreciate any advice anyone is willing to give. If you're a pastor, Christian counselor or minister giving me advice I would appreciate it if you make notes of it in your posts and for others please state if you are a Christian and for how long. I was blessed by the advice of a chaplain at this site who encouraged me not to use the pastor's claim of seeing me in a dream as a reason to allow him to court me. I agree with him. Thanks anyone/everyone for your time.

I've been courted by a man for going on two years now. We discussed marriage in the past and recently started talking about the specifics of the marriage plans. Since those recent discussions, I was at a church event and one of the ministers (pastor of outreach) who i didn't know approached me while i was about to sleep there on the couch at the church event. I didn't talk to him before because he wasn't familiar to me. I don't usually mingle with the Outreach Pastors because I'm too busy doing many things in the church office. It was just happened that he saw me sitting in the couch because i went early in the church and planned to rest for awhile. I was just sleeping in the church couch in the lobby area. And he suddenly came to me and initiated a conversation because i was about to sleep. He told me, " I don't know why I do this to you but something is in my heart". He added " you look familiar to me" and then later he told me he saw me in his dream. And i replied maybe you saw me before because you always come here if we have church events. I told him I have someone who waited for me for a long time and we have a plan after i graduate but this pastor still keeps showing interest in me and told me i'm not married to the other guy. He then said he would pray but he saw me in his dream already. He begged me to have lunch with him so that we could talk. This pastor then asked permission to the leaders and Pastor to court and know me. Our Main Church Pastors and leaders gave permission to the pastor who wants to court me. They want me to stay in their/my current location for now and be involved in ministry there but this pastor has been assigned in a new location far from this church. The man I've been discussing marriage plans with has a family operated ministry position, far away, for me and we have discussed that and plans to start a God centered day care ministry in the past until now. The man who's been courting me so long works with kids in ministry like I do. The church wants me to have a happy life, that's why they're so in agreement about one of the Pastors showing interest in me. Before he left during our 2nd talk, while at lunch, he really seriously confessed that he loves me so much and that he doesn't want to lose me. He cried a lot. But i told him i will never say a word which is yes or no and that I don't want to answer him. I don't like to give unsure answers. I have special someone in my heart and we have plans after i graduate. But he said he will pray that God will make a way.

I'll be praying about these situations and I'd like to know any advice anyone is willing to give. Could this pastor truly love me after the one short talk we had? What should I think about the dream he claims to have had about me? What are your opinions on the pastor's approach and behavior toward me, and his behavior regarding the situation between myself and the man who has been courting me for about two years? The pastor also posted some solo pics of himself on facebook posed with his shirt off and in a few of those pics he was looking at himself. Any opinions on that? What should my next move be with the man who has been courting me for about two years and what should I do if i love him? I just want to do God's will for my life.

Thanks so much.

 

[truelove1]

I would like to find out other opinions and to see how many disagree or agree with the advice given below. I think the advice seems very reasonable.

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Hi, I have been a pastor for 38 years and have done premarital counseling for about 300 couples.

The actions of the pastor you describe sound bizarre at best. What he calls love sounds like infatuation to me. I find that dreams are often illogical and unrealistic, so to go by a dream in the face of circumstances that are impulsive is not wisdom in my experience. It is also very manipulative in my opinion.

Why not just make it clear to the pastor that God has not indicated to you that he is someone for you to pursue and tell him that you will continue to develop the relationship with the person you have been dating. If he persists talk to the leaders who gave him permission to court you and tell them that you do not want to be courted by this man and ask them to rescind their permission so you can stay at the church without being pressured by his romantic interests. If they do not see the wisdom in this I think you might find a healthier church.

Does this help?

Chaplain Steve

 

[joey_downunder]

No way! :o Like above poster says, run away run away!!! That applies whether you are single or not!!!

I am sure you are feeling flattered and wondering if this could be truly from God if a "man of God" says it's true, but he sounds deluded and unstable! The facebook posts seeking admiration for his looks is the icing on the cake! What kind of Christian leader should be doing that?!!!

Do you love the man you've been involved with for several years? If yes, then perhaps it's time to commit to him permanently?

P.S. do you realise he's trying to get you to cheat on your boyfriend? Read Proverbs 7, he sounds like the "strange woman".

 

[aiki]

I have worked with/counselled teens in church ministry for over twenty years.

If you have been courting a man for two years, you have encouraged that man to make a very significant investment of time, energy, and emotion in his relationship with you. As far as I'm concerned, you would be guilty of a kind of defrauding to suddenly drop him in favor of this creepy pastor. In fact, I find it surprising that you would give the bizarre and inappropriate advances of this pastor any consideration whatsoever. Tell him with great definiteness to leave you alone!

Selah.

 

[truelove1]

I will admit that I'm feeling pressure in this situation, I think a fear of what some people in the congregation will think or do to me, maybe even some leaders, if i reject this pastor. A big reason for that is because some of my college tuition was provided through this church. Any opinions on that? But if I marry the man who's been courting me for about a couple of years, I will be in a different church far away. It would be nearly a year from now though until I would be able to leave my area. Maybe I could move back to my home town during this coming year or maybe just find another church in my city to attend.

 

[joey_downunder]

You marry a person not a church. Too bad whether any leaders may want you to marry a certain person or not! You have to live your life with your (potential) husband not them. It would be very unfair for the man if you did not marry him for the right reasons.

If a church ever uses the "you owe us so do what we tell you" strategy on a person that is a very worrying sign about the church itself.

 

[anglozaxon]

Your Pastor should know better, he is approaching this like an infactuated teenager. He is aware of your situation and should not really be pursuing you if you are already in a serious relationship, his actions are not those of someone who truly cares for you, if he did he would not be putting you in this situation- he is asking you to break your relationship with someone else based on a brief conversation and a dream. I am slightly surprised that your other ministers have given permission to carry on with this foolishness and would question their wisdom and their agenda in this.

I would personally suggest that you tell this man and your church leaders the answer is no, you don't have to be cruel about it, but you do need to be firm and not give false hope.

Btw I have been a christian for over 30years

 

[turkle]

One thing you did not mention: are you in love with the man who is courting you? Is he in love with you?

I am getting the impression that there is a cultural dimension to this as well. What country are you in?

 

[anglozaxon]

I would like to find out other opinions and to see how many disagree or agree with the advice given below. I think the advice seems very reasonable.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Hi, I have been a pastor for 38 years and have done premarital counseling for about 300 couples.

The actions of the pastor you describe sound bizarre at best. What he calls love sounds like infatuation to me. I find that dreams are often illogical and unrealistic, so to go by a dream in the face of circumstances that are impulsive is not wisdom in my experience. It is also very manipulative in my opinion.

Why not just make it clear to the pastor that God has not indicated to you that he is someone for you to pursue and tell him that you will continue to develop the relationship with the person you have been dating. If he persists talk to the leaders who gave him permission to court you and tell them that you do not want to be courted by this man and ask them to rescind their permission so you can stay at the church without being pressured by his romantic interests. If they do not see the wisdom in this I think you might find a healthier church.

Does this help?

Chaplain Steve

Totally agree with this, you might also ask your current boyfriend to put a ring on your finger sooner rather than later and show everyone that you are off the menu.

 

[truelove1]

One thing you did not mention: are you in love with the man who is courting you? Is he in love with you?

I am getting the impression that there is a cultural dimension to this as well. What country are you in?

the man who has been courting me for a long time is in love with me. i know my feelings for him and that might seem clear already but i don't want to mention anything more about that and other things just yet on public display

 

[anglozaxon]

One thing you did not mention: are you in love with the man who is courting you? Is he in love with you?

I am getting the impression that there is a cultural dimension to this as well. What country are you in?

Hmm I was wondering that too.

 

[anglozaxon]

How do your family feel about this situation? Will they back your decision?

 

[truelove1]

How do your family feel about this situation? Will they back your decision?

All I know at this point is for a long time now my mother and family have been very supportive and excited about my relationship and plans with the man who has been courting me for a couple of years.

 

[anglozaxon]

All I know at this point is for a long time now my mother and family have been very supportive and excited about my relationship and plans with the man who has been courting me for a couple of years.

Aww that's nice to know, but don't let other peoples expectations make your decisions for you. At the end of the day its you who has to live with your decision.

 

[truelove1]

Aww that's nice to know, but don't let other peoples expectations make your decisions for you. At the end of the day its you who has to live with your decision.

My family are just excited for me. They haven't tried to control me or anything like that. Thank you. I understand you.

 

[aiki]

I will admit that I'm feeling pressure in this situation, I think a fear of what some people in the congregation will think or do to me, maybe even some leaders, if i reject this pastor.

There is something profoundly wrong with your church if it produces this kind of fear in you.

A big reason for that is because some of my college tuition was provided through this church. Any opinions on that?

Did you accept the financial aid of the church with the understanding that doing so obligated you to follow their orders concerning who you would marry? I sure hope not! The idea that your church would hold their aid to you over your head in order to manipulate you into following their wishes is abhorrent! If your church even hints at such a thing, depart them as quickly as you can!

But if I marry the man who's been courting me for about a couple of years, I will be in a different church far away. It would be nearly a year from now though until I would be able to leave my area. Maybe I could move back to my home town during this coming year or maybe just find another church in my city to attend.

Given what you have described of the situation in your church, I think this would be a very good idea.

Selah.

 

[truelove1]

I've told my situation to some friends. A few of them agree with the pastor and those few from the church who have sided with him. I'm wondering what I should think of the reasoning of these few friends in this situation. I wonder if they are being mindful of what is best for me or if it's just what is best for them (preventing me from relocating away from them) they have in mind. Any opinions?

 

[aiki]

I

've told my situation to some friends. A few of them agree with the pastor and those few from the church who have sided with him.

Your friends aren't the ones living your life. You are the one saddled with the consequences of who you decide to marry; they aren't. Really, I think you need some new friends if they think the pastor has behaved himself in an approriate manner. If I were the guy who has been courting you for two years, I'd be really frosted that you're even considering the pastor. How does some guy you barely know who tells you that you should marry him because he dreamed you would over-ride the two years of relating, and caring, and loving you've received from the guy with whom you've been discussing marriage?

I'm wondering what I should think of the reasoning of these few friends in this situation. I wonder if they are being mindful of what is best for me or if it's just what is best for them (preventing me from relocating away from them) they have in mind. Any opinions?

Since you haven't shared their reasoning, its impossible to comment.

Selah.

 

[truelove1]

Your friends aren't the ones living [I]your[/I] life. You are the one saddled with the consequences of who you decide to marry; they aren't. Really, I think you need some new friends if they think the pastor has behaved himself in an approriate manner.

I understand you on this.

If I were the guy who has been courting you for two years, I'd be really frosted that you're even considering the pastor. How does some guy you barely know who tells you that you should marry him because he dreamed you would over-ride the two years of relating, and caring, and loving you've received from the guy with whom you've been discussing marriage?

I'm not sure what to reply on this. I do see your point and will consider it.

Since you haven't shared their reasoning, its impossible to comment.

So far they haven't really given any reasoning. They just seem to agree with the pastor and the those church members that it's God's will for the pastor and I. The few church members seem to believe the pastor's interest in me is answered prayer for ministry there but I'm not sure why because that pastor is going to relocate to a different city far from the church where we attend now.

 

[truelove1]

[BIBLE]If I were the guy who has been courting you for two years, I'd be really frosted that you're even considering the pastor.
[/BIBLE]

I understand your point but some might say if the guy who has been courting me for about a couple of years gave up on me over this, he might not have been God's will for me because of him giving up?

How does some guy you barely know who tells you that you should marry him because he dreamed you would over-ride the two years of relating, and caring, and loving you've received from the guy with whom you've been discussing marriage?