Parenting fail?

[Gadarene]

Stop being an apologist for child neglect.

No-one is saying not to report things, only that it's incredibly difficult for the victims to, because of the psychology of abuse - and that victim blaming isn't actually making it any easier to report, especially when the person who has done far, far worse in this situation is not being condemned at all. Putting the entire responsibility on the victim to break the situation is also not helpful. Bystander intervention is likely more necessary in these cases. But again, when you don't mention this, what else are people to think?

Of course, to actually pay attention and comprehend this rather simple point you might need to put the ego down for two seconds.

 

[I Eat Pie]

It's hard to report??? He had a long criminal history, and she let him live with her and her kids. And that's hard to report? She knew what she was getting into.

 

[motherprayer]

And for you Motherprayer, if something happened to your kids, I guarentee you would blame yourself for it.

I would blame the person who hurt them, who wouldn't be me.

 

[Gadarene]

It's hard to report??? He had a long criminal history, and she let him live with her and her kids. And that's hard to report? She knew what she was getting into.

I can't make this any simpler for you.

When you have been systematically treated like crap, from an early age - you very often have no self-respect. When you have been treated like crap during your formative years, you tend to think that you are crap. That you deserve crap. Crap like abuse.

If you want to delude yourself that someone like that is in any fit state to break themselves out of a cycle of abuse, be my guest. You cannot appeal to a person's self-respect when IT DOES NOT EXIST, through no fault of their own.

The rest of us will actually be doing something helpful.

As for this specific situation - I have no idea whether she was an abuse victim or not, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if she was. That said, whether she was or not, it does not change the fact that the one at greatest fault here is the guy who assaulted and murdered children. Did she know about his past? That hasn't been demonstrated yet. And even if she had asked him or tried to check, people can lie. Abusers frequently lie and target the vulnerable.

 

[motherprayer]

It's hard to report??? He had a long criminal history, and she let him live with her and her kids. And that's hard to report? She knew what she was getting into.

Did you know her?

 

[I Eat Pie]

No but I'm not stupid.

 

[keith99]

I happen to have resources.

I happen to have family.

I happen to be a bit of a brute, in the sense of physical ability (meaning I played Rugby, prop to be exact into my late 50s and may still unretired).

I'm also smart enough to know there are people who lack resources, whose family is at best a hindrance and who can easily be physically dominated.

I do not choose to judge those less fortunate than myself. Unlike some here.

 

[Blackwater Babe]

That's wrong. More than ever, women are encouraged to come forth. It's been happening a lot in the military too. If you let someone abuse you and get away with it, then you have no one to blame but yourself, because you bet, they'll do it again.

And you've never been in a serious relationship? I bet you regularly use terms like "friendzone", too, huh?

 

[motherprayer]

I happen to have resources.

I happen to have family.

I happen to be a bit of a brute, in the sense of physical ability (meaning I played Rugby, prop to be exact into my late 50s and may still unretired).

I'm also smart enough to know there are people who lack resources, whose family is at best a hindrance and who can easily be physically dominated.

I do not choose to judge those less fortunate than myself. Unlike some here.

This. Thank you, this is so incredibly true!

 

[I Eat Pie]

And you've never been in a serious relationship? I bet you regularly use terms like "friendzone", too, huh?

Im 20. And ive used it once or twice.

 

[Blackwater Babe]

Im 20. And ive used it once or twice.

Shocked, I tell you.

 

[quatona]

No but I'm not stupid.

No comment.

 

[FreeSpirit74]

Ahh... so let me guess.... you leave your purse wide open in the shopping cart while you're 10 feet away from it picking something off the shelf (I see women do this all the time in the market - WHY???). You also leave your windows wide open and every door in your house unlocked. You leave your car doors unlocked and the windows down, with your expensive latest-version iPhone, iPod, and laptop/tablet sitting in plain view on the front seat (bonus points if you park your car on the street rather than in a driveway or private lot - this way a thief doesn't even have to set foot on your property). You open the door to perfect strangers when they ring your doorbell. You walk around completely unaware of your surroundings, who is around you and what they are doing.

Must I go on?? "Preventative maintenance" isn't only for automobiles, it's also a valuable tool for life. It is always good to see, but it is better for FORESEE.

A victim is a person who falls prey to someone who is smarter and/or more malicious than them. It happens all the time.

A child is a victim of abuse even if they stole the cookie from the cookie jar, if they get beat with a belt for it.

A man is a victim if he gets robbed in a bad neighborhood, even if he's wearing Armani.

A woman is a victim if she marries an abuser, even if he hit her before vows were said.

Her bad choices were not justification or excuse for what this man did. They WERE bad choices, but it doesn't relieve him of fault in any way. What he did was his own choice, and not a result of anyone elses choices.

And, for the record, there are people on the registered sex offender list who say they got put on there for statutory rape. I just got a guy fired from his job for lying about that. He told his employers that was the reason and they believed him. I didn't, so I looked up the court transcripts, and he was convicted of aggravated sexual assault and kidnapping. His employers weren't as smart as him, but I was.

 

[motherprayer]

Ahh... so let me guess.... you leave your purse wide open in the shopping cart while you're 10 feet away from it picking something off the shelf (I see women do this all the time in the market - WHY???). You also leave your windows wide open and every door in your house unlocked. You leave your car doors unlocked and the windows down, with your expensive latest-version iPhone, iPod, and laptop/tablet sitting in plain view on the front seat (bonus points if you park your car on the street rather than in a driveway or private lot - this way a thief doesn't even have to set foot on your property). You open the door to perfect strangers when they ring your doorbell. You walk around completely unaware of your surroundings, who is around you and what they are doing.

Must I go on?? "Preventative maintenance" isn't only for automobiles, it's also a valuable tool for life. It is always good to see, but it is better for FORESEE.

You're blaming her for her own murder too?

What is this world coming to?

 

[motherprayer]

Ahh... so let me guess.... you leave your purse wide open in the shopping cart while you're 10 feet away from it picking something off the shelf (I see women do this all the time in the market - WHY???). You also leave your windows wide open and every door in your house unlocked. You leave your car doors unlocked and the windows down, with your expensive latest-version iPhone, iPod, and laptop/tablet sitting in plain view on the front seat (bonus points if you park your car on the street rather than in a driveway or private lot - this way a thief doesn't even have to set foot on your property). You open the door to perfect strangers when they ring your doorbell. You walk around completely unaware of your surroundings, who is around you and what they are doing.

Must I go on?? "Preventative maintenance" isn't only for automobiles, it's also a valuable tool for life. It is always good to see, but it is better for FORESEE.

Also, none of this is even remotely close to what happened to this woman. Relationships are much more complicated than leaving a purse open.

AND. There are people who have never been convicted who are molesters and murderers. What of them? Your posts seems to suggest we ought to hide inside our houses, never leaving for fear of being hurt? And if we do leave, and we get hurt, then its our fault?

No. This argument could be taken so much further. There are some who say that people who are attracted to the same sex are likely to molest children. Should we lock them up too?

 

[FreeSpirit74]

I would blame the person who hurt them, who wouldn't be me.

OK, here's a scenario since you seem to not believe in taking precautions:

Say your kids are out riding bikes, and they decide to blow through a stop sign/light, and there's a car coming the other way (no sign/light so the car has the right-of-way over the bikes). Car can't stop in time because bikes and car enter the intersection at the exact same time, so one of your kids gets hit, and injured. Turns out the kids were never taught the correct rules of the road (in my state, anyway, bikes MUST follow the same traffic laws as cars) because their mother's attitude is.... oh, the nice car driver will be sure to stop for you, so you don't have to worry about who has the right-of-way at that intersection.

So... who's at fault here? And I use this scenario because I see a LOT of kids on bikes riding in the road who clearly don't know to follow the traffic laws. My parents, OTOH, drilled them into my head (along with the concept of looking out for one's self and safety in all situations).

 

[motherprayer]

OK, here's a scenario since you seem to not believe in taking precautions:

You're missing the point. I DO believe in taking precautions. My POINT is that even with all precautions taken, women get killed, children get molested, babies get kidnapped, etc.

What I believe is, regardless of precautions taken, a person is not responsible for another person's actions. If a woman gets raped, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SHE WAS WEARING. Let me say it again - IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SHE WAS WEARING.

I personally know of a woman who was raped, a good friend of mine. The defense ripped her apart on the stand. They asked her if she was wearing panties, why she was on that particular street, why she didn't have mace with her, why she didn't scream (she did). They made it out to be her fault. That is not okay. We can't go around blaming victims because there are psychos out there, even IF they have bad judgment.

 

[motherprayer]

OK, here's a scenario since you seem to not believe in taking precautions:

Say your kids are out riding bikes, and they decide to blow through a stop sign/light, and there's a car coming the other way (no sign/light so the car has the right-of-way over the bikes). Car can't stop in time because bikes and car enter the intersection at the exact same time, so one of your kids gets hit, and injured. Turns out the kids were never taught the correct rules of the road (in my state, anyway, bikes MUST follow the same traffic laws as cars) because their mother's attitude is.... oh, the nice car driver will be sure to stop for you, so you don't have to worry about who has the right-of-way at that intersection.

So... who's at fault here? And I use this scenario because I see a LOT of kids on bikes riding in the road who clearly don't know to follow the traffic laws. My parents, OTOH, drilled them into my head (along with the concept of looking out for one's self and safety in all situations).

And again, this is a different scenario from the situation in the OP.

 

[FreeSpirit74]

You're blaming her for her own murder too?

What is this world coming to?

Don't put words in my mouth. I was asking you about you, and whether or not you mitigate the damage the actions I mentioned can bring by avoiding doing those actions, or whether you leave it up to trusting the goodness of the strangers around you to not take advantage of the opportunity.

It's a simple question.

 

[keith99]

Ahh... so let me guess.... you leave your purse wide open in the shopping cart while you're 10 feet away from it picking something off the shelf (I see women do this all the time in the market - WHY???). You also leave your windows wide open and every door in your house unlocked. You leave your car doors unlocked and the windows down, with your expensive latest-version iPhone, iPod, and laptop/tablet sitting in plain view on the front seat (bonus points if you park your car on the street rather than in a driveway or private lot - this way a thief doesn't even have to set foot on your property). You open the door to perfect strangers when they ring your doorbell. You walk around completely unaware of your surroundings, who is around you and what they are doing.

Must I go on?? "Preventative maintenance" isn't only for automobiles, it's also a valuable tool for life. It is always good to see, but it is better for FORESEE.

Now that subsequent post have made it clear which way you are going with this might I ask:

So what do you do when someone rings the doorbell? Run and hide? Or perhaps yell 'Go Away' through the keyhole?

And do you keep the doors locked and the windows closed when it has been 100 degrees all day and has now cooled down and use the air conditioner to continue to cool off the house?