Need some advice (This deals with some male sexuality)

[drich0150]

I have a acquaintance, I've known for years. He's in his late forties and I believe is struggling with his sexuality. The thing is He has a few physical disabilities, and a rape he's dealing with (He was the victim).. So long story short, mentally I'd place him at or about 17 years old..

The issue is that, I believe he has a well established addiction to inappropriate content, but because of his, and his family involvement in the church he suppresses "Sinful thoughts" for as long as he can, but in the end he usually winds up with drawing all of his money from the bank, takes whatever credit cards he can get a hold of, and goes off into town and doesn't come home until he's spent every dime he had on strip clubs, prostitutes and the like.. Then he returns home (If he can, there have been times he's wound up in the hospital or in different cities) destroyed about himself spiritually, and financially. (Still lives with his parents.)

The problem is, because of his disabilities, and his excursions, The women at church usually won't give him the time of day. Which happens to be his only non spending spree social experience. Because of this, I believe he doesn't see any hope of realistic female contact, which I also believe is important for him to recover his personal self worth, and for lack of a better word his mojo, after the rape he experienced.

Now if you couple this with the every Man's daily struggle, I believe you have the reason for his bi-yearly excursions.. (Which BTW is destroying his parents savings. They are in there mid 70's)

So, what do you recommend to someone like this? I believe if he maintained himself sexually, and didn't allow himself to get all worked up, he'd at least be able to keep himself from going out on the town.. The fact that he is out there, and what he spends his money on shows a sexually related addiction.. So is it ethical for a christian to suggest that he redirect that energy in a more responsible manor, like through inappropriate contentography rather than destroying his parents lives?

I know that this is not a long term answer, but as it is now he offers little in the way of cooperation. He will listen to what you say but like any defiant teen he just does what we wants to do in the end.. That's what has kept this cycle going for the last 20 or so years..

The church has basically written off him and his family because he can't control himself, but before that, they tried to help him in just about every conceivable "christian" way possible..

any advice here would be great. I try and counsel him once a week, unless I here another viable option I'm planning to advise him to start a sexual maintenance program. I have already spoken with his parents about this and have their consent..


Currently he is see two psychiatrist, was taking meds for bi polar disorder for the last 10 years (no effect) and has recently come off the drugs, goes to AA, and bi-polar meetings 4 times a week, speaks to an elder of the church weekly, and sees me weekly. On top of all of that his parents try and keep him busy at home, but one of the parents health is failing. So between the stress of his excursions and the fail health I was asked to help any where I could because he seems to respond to me the best..

I am in over my head here. (I've told them that.) but I have a friend from high school who is a psychiatrist, I gave him all of the details and he recommends that I try and focus on getting him to open up to one of his doctors, but in the meantime have him try sexual maintenance. I'm just not comfortable with the "side effects" that inappropriate content can have.

 

[Elijah2]

Mate, your friend is suffering from spiritual, physical, and emotional abuse.

He has physical disabilities, which are what?

He has been raped, so how can you work on a bloke who has been raped? First off you have to bring him to forgiving that person who raped him, that is fully forgiveness and love through prayer to our Lord Jesus Christ.

Then how many other emotional problems has he?

I suggest you get a copy of "Set Free" by Neil Anderson, and read it yourself, and you will after reading that book get some ideas how to remove those fish hooks out of your friends body.

There are many spiritual problems there.

Therefore, try to walk him along the path of confession and repentance of his sins.

Then for him to forgive all those people dead and alive who had hurt or offended him over forty years of life. I bet he has a lot of unforgiveness in his sould for a lot school associates and those who most probably rejected and rediculted him over his teens and adulthood.

"Set Free" will you give you a start point. John Sandford has other good books on "inner healing".

Blessings.

 

[gabrielListens]

I was addicted to strip clubs myself years ago. In my case I got to know some of the women there personally and just lost my desire to keep dropping money there once I realized these girls were just normal everyday people and not the fantasy I had in my mind about them. Once I realized what a facade the whole business was, it killed my desire to keep going there.

As for your friend, I think he should find a support group for rape victims and also get into a sexual addiction support group/program. There are organizations that help sex addicts like SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) and for the longest time I didn't realize it was a sexual addiction because I wasn't actually having sex but it really is a sexual addiction. The brain releases endorphins when we get aroused and that is just like a drug. There are also resources for online help for sex addicts.

 

[drich0150]

"Forgiveness, and the Rape." Are something we are working on. Unfortunately because of his many excursions and the cost of them, his parents are having a hard time not reminding him of his past sins, especially when he is being uncooperative.. They use his shame as a tool to get him to go through the motions of counseling or seeking help. (Which after 30 or so years of this I would have probably done myself.)So we are having to start fresh on the concept of true biblical forgiveness.. This will take time.

As far as the rape goes I've known him for ten years and in the process of working on "Biblical forgiveness" I asked him to write down all the sins he felt that he could not be forgiven for.. He wrote down all of the events leading up to what I believe to be the rape, turning all of his anger and rage in on himself for the things he was doing to be in that position (pot) And then he claims to "Black out." I asked his mother about this time in his life, and she said she remembers him coming home (17 or 18 years old) and she knew he was physically upset, but said nothing to anyone he just sat down in a rocking chair for 2 weeks and only got up to use the bathroom and occasionally slept in his bed. Didn't only thing he'd do was stare out a window and occasionally tear up, the way she got him to come out of his trance was to have a psychiatrist come and see him, (He threatened to have him committed) and he began to slowly work himself back into the family, but she said, he has never been the same since.

I tell you this because after 10 years of working with him last week was the first time we even came close to the subject. So admitting it to a group of strangers is not something I think he's willing to do yet. (He can't or won't actually admit to himself yet.)

So for the sake of the family, and there dwindling savings what do I suggest? "Hang in there till we get his forgiveness issues work out?" or do we take the easy way out, and tell him to start maintaining himself sexually, so he doesn't get to the point of having to go on these excursions?

I was addicted to strip clubs myself years ago. In my case I got to know some of the women there personally and just lost my desire to keep dropping money there once I realized these girls were just normal everyday people and not the fantasy I had in my mind about them. Once I realized what a facade the whole business was, it killed my desire to keep going there.

I think his disabilities, and sin are keeping him from any real social contact, or at least they are in his mind. So he is not able to get to know women personally, which is an important part of reclaiming his heterosexual man hood. That's why I think he addicted to the strip clubs, and the like because he gets to be, what he perceives to be a man, for a little while.. We are working on these issues, but what do you do with his problem in the meantime?

It can be like working with a teenager at times and at other times he is a 47 or 48 year old man... It's hard to approach or work on anything when your constantly having to switch approaches, maybe that's by design..

Anyway thanks for your replies.

 

[Bellicus]

So is it ethical for a christian to suggest that he redirect that energy in a more responsible manor, like through inappropriate contentography rather than destroying his parents lives?

Yeah, if that is something that would keep him off from spending money on prostitutes and strippers and making his parents sad and wasting all his money, then of course it would be better.

What is the issue really, does he just suppress his sexuality and then go nuts after a while?

Remember that those with bipolar disorder often have a really strong sex-drive when they get manically, and also lack self-critique.

 

[EternalSummer]

You say he is on medication, in treatment and counselling several times weekly, with you and an entire church that have poured themselves out to help him, and he still cannot control himself? Wow. And here I have heard others condemn people for being out of control who have NONE of those supports. Just .... wow.

But anyway back to your friend. He was obviously terribly violated by the rape spiritually and emotionally, and this keeps interfering with any efforts he makes to recover himself from the snares. Has he tried just having occasional lesser substitutes so that he wont go haywire and spend all that money? People giving up smokes get the patch sometimes to help. Would it not be better -- at least temporarily until he is fully healed and over this -- for him to defuse his impulses from building up and do something to take care of himself alone once in a while? rather than letting his frustration build to the point he goes nuts and blows himself out?

OK maybe this would not be very CHRISTIAN advice, I admit, but sometimes drastic situations call for unusual measures, and if something less harmful will help wean him off his MORE harmful behavior it might be worth trying. I tend to think in general it is easier to get off a smaller bad habit than a big nasty one, and this kind of transition might help him in the long run by giving him a substitute that in turn will be easier for him to break off from, etc.

There is an interesting passage in scripture about this kind of thing, about God tolerating human weakness where the intention of the heart is right. It might encourage your friend.

2 kings 5:18-19

18 In this thing the LORD pardon thy servant, that when my master goeth into the house of Rimmon to worship there, and he leaneth on my hand, and I bow myself in the house of Rimmon: when I bow down myself in the house of Rimmon, the LORD pardon thy servant in this thing.

19 And he said unto him, Go in peace. So he departed from him a little way.

 

[drich0150]

What is the issue really, does he just suppress his sexuality and then go nuts after a while?

As far as I know, yeah He is "good" for about 6 months and then he goes crazy.. He lives in a very controlled and supportive environment most of the time, then one day he will be dropped off at a AA meeting or something and then will just disappear for a few days or until the money runs out..

Remember that those with bipolar disorder often have a really strong sex-drive when they get manically, and also lack self-critique.

He was on meds for bi-polar disorder for about ten years but since November the "doctors" have decided that his behavior no longer fit the symptoms.. So he's been taken off the meds and there is little change.

You say he is on medication, in treatment and counseling several times weekly, with you and an entire church that have poured themselves out to help him, and he still cannot control himself? Wow. And here I have heard others condemn people for being out of control who have NONE of those supports. Just .... wow.

Mentally/emotionally/verbally he's like a troubled teenager from the Early 80's (most of the time) It's like he's stuck in the time that he felt comfortable, and in control.. Occasionally an older and more responsible person will emerge, but these occurrences are getting fewer and further between the older he gets. Now he spends most of his time as an emotionally driven 80's teenager.


As far as the inappropriate content goes, right now I think we are going to focus trying to forgive himself and just start talk about the importance of maintaining himself in all aspects of life.. (Finding a balance)

 

[Bellicus]

As far as I know, yeah He is "good" for about 6 months and then he goes crazy.. He lives in a very controlled and supportive environment most of the time, then one day he will be dropped off at a AA meeting or something and then will just disappear for a few days or until the money runs out..

Sounds like he could need to get out of his parents house. If he had a place of his own then he could not waste all his money on prostitutes and strippers, but would have to pay the rent and buy food for them.

 

[drich0150]

Sounds like he could need to get out of his parents house. If he had a place of his own then he could not waste all his money on prostitutes and strippers, but would have to pay the rent and buy food for them.

This is where the physical disability comes in, He's not able to keep a job long because of several semi legitimate physical limitations.. So he's stuck with odd jobs and what little he makes a month keeping the church grounds. But your right and we are working on getting him out of the house. (Long term goal)

What I'm more concerned with is how to tide him over right now, till we start making progress.