My wife's Love Language - Not Working

[Kelly]

I have discovered the only thing that will make my wife happy with her life/our marriage. Not working anymore. We cannot survive on my income alone, we make equal amounts right now. We have a mortgage, car payments, want to save for our kids' college bills.

I am non-degreed and doing pretty good considering. I'd have to double my salary to please her. She seems like she's ready to quit her job at any minute.

Any other guy in this situation and how did you make your wife happy and not forclose on your mortgage?

 

[Meshavrischika]

I have discovered the only thing that will make my wife happy with her life/our marriage. Not working anymore. We cannot survive on my income alone, we make equal amounts right now. We have a mortgage, car payments, want to save for our kids' college bills.

I am non-degreed and doing pretty good considering. I'd have to double my salary to please her. She seems like she's ready to quit her job at any minute.

Any other guy in this situation and how did you make your wife happy and not forclose on your mortgage?

Not a guy...

There needs to be a balance between her desires and the family need. That being said... can you reprioritize? My DH does not want to work a regular job and we have made sacrifices so he does not have to. We have a smaller house, we have used cars (no payments), etc.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

What is your current salary?

 

[DoctorShaft]

I have discovered the only thing that will make my wife happy with her life/our marriage. Not working anymore. We cannot survive on my income alone, we make equal amounts right now. We have a mortgage, car payments, want to save for our kids' college bills.

I am non-degreed and doing pretty good considering. I'd have to double my salary to please her. She seems like she's ready to quit her job at any minute.

Any other guy in this situation and how did you make your wife happy and not forclose on your mortgage?

I'm having trouble seeing how this is a valid complaint against your marriage. Being in a marriage with you is not a free-pass out of life responsibilities.

In addition, let's say she says "I'm not happy, I'm leaving because i have to work." Then what does she have to do? Work.

As an outsider I can see the concern, and the desire to make amends for it. However, as you just mentioned, the logistics are poor at the moment. I'd take it seriously... but not too seriously. There are priorities that must be taken care of. Only adjust if it actually is feasible and won't result in one person breaking their back.

 

[deliciousBass]

I have discovered the only thing that will make my wife happy with her life/our marriage. Not working anymore. We cannot survive on my income alone, we make equal amounts right now. We have a mortgage, car payments, want to save for our kids' college bills.

I am non-degreed and doing pretty good considering. I'd have to double my salary to please her. She seems like she's ready to quit her job at any minute.

Any other guy in this situation and how did you make your wife happy and not forclose on your mortgage?

Hmm... how about a part-time job for her? Kind of a compromise? I mean, I'm sure you would have to cut corners in other places.. Might not be able to eat out, go on vacation. Maybe consider downsizing your home... But in the end, if it leads to a happier marriage for both of you don't you think it would be worth it? Also, while saving for your kids college is great and all, I think marital bliss is a bit more important...retirement too. Sacrifices have to be made.

 

[Gardener101]

If she wants to quit a particular job, then let her. The implications could be serious.

Stress at work 'can increase breast cancer risk by a third'

link

I have discovered the only thing that will make my wife happy with her life/our marriage. Not working anymore. We cannot survive on my income alone, we make equal amounts right now. We have a mortgage, car payments, want to save for our kids' college bills.

I am non-degreed and doing pretty good considering. I'd have to double my salary to please her. She seems like she's ready to quit her job at any minute.

Any other guy in this situation and how did you make your wife happy and not forclose on your mortgage?

 

[PenelopePitstop2]

I'm not a guy, but I do work. A few things came to mind:

1. Do you share the chores around the home, sounds basic but I work FT too as well as my husband and while he is great there always seems jobs I do after he's finished for the day and relaxing. Does she feel she is doing more than her share. Now this maybe because she is particular in how a job gets done or does jobs that you may find unnecessary but this may be wearing her out, you need to talk about this.

2. The kids, do they demand more of her than you. Sometimes kids go through phases where they want one parent to feed them, bath them, read them a story and although the other is willing to help the kids demand more of one parents time. Or does she feel that she should be a stay at home mum and feels guilty?

3. Is it the job she is in rather than working per se. Is the job, hours, travelling, ppl she works with, getting her down Perhaps she could do something else rather than stop work altogether. Could she child mind or do something where she could stay at home?

4. Does she have any 'me' time. Maybe and afternoon or evening a week to do what she wants to be her own person for a few hours. That can make a big difference.


In summary you need to talk about it. You cannot have it all, if she does not want to work then you may have to downsize your lifestyle. You need to discuss together what you both really want financially and agree a solution together.

I get the feeling you feel bad that she has to work because your earnings are not enough. Many ppl today are in the same boat. So don't beat yourself up. You and your wife are a team and need to work together to provide for your family, either some of the 'things' in life have to go or you both have to work.

Praying that you will work it out together.

 

[bliz]

I'm not sure that not working is a love language...

Can you give us a little more info:

how old are kids? how many?

2 car payments?

can you buy a less expensive home in your community? in one nearby?

How much are you willing to change in order to afford for her to be at home? People can and do make these kinds of changes, but it often means one car, second hand clothing, no cable TV, turning down/up the heat and AC, molving into less expensive housing, no vacations etc. Many people are happy to make these changes but others find them quite hard to even consider.

 

[RoseofLima]

What is your wife's love language and how does that relate to what your income is?

My primary love language is receivng gifts and quality time doing stuff-- so little notes around stuck in my shoes or flowers picked from outside or a pretty rock all tied up in a bow. Going out and throwing the football or the frisby back and forth or going to the free symphony concerts....it's all free- it just takes creativity.

 

[Evangelina]

Hmmm... what's going on with your wife atm? Is work a big source of stress? Has she been under pressure from someone to be a SAHM? I hear a lot of christian women talking about how SAHMs are God's plan for families, and that family problems can all be fixed if the woman stays at home and looks after her children fulltime, etc. If she's come under the influence of this sort of teaching, that could explain her attitude?

Has she specifically said that she expects you to shoulder all the financial responsibility for the family? Have you two talked about possible ways to make a one-income life work? Is she willing to make sacrifices in order to stay at home?

 

[Autumnleaf]

I have discovered the only thing that will make my wife happy with her life/our marriage. Not working anymore. We cannot survive on my income alone, we make equal amounts right now. We have a mortgage, car payments, want to save for our kids' college bills.

I am non-degreed and doing pretty good considering. I'd have to double my salary to please her. She seems like she's ready to quit her job at any minute.

Any other guy in this situation and how did you make your wife happy and not forclose on your mortgage?

Its easy. You look at your bills versus how much you make and you decide what is important to the two of you. Decide together and live with it. Its that simple. Personally I don't care for car payments or full coverage so I own my cars and have liability to keep the vehicle costs minimal. You might want to drop the mortgage, refinance, or rent or downsize your home to save money there. There is no magic or miracle to it.

I work and my wife stays home with our small children.

 

[Digit]

I think I have to agree with Bliz here, not working is not a love language. It's just, 'not working'...

I think there are areas that you can work on to cut back on money, it doesn't only mean that you need a higher salary, but what would your wife do instead of working?

Cheers!
Digit

 

[jwwells]

I have discovered the only thing that will make my wife happy with her life/our marriage. Not working anymore. We cannot survive on my income alone, we make equal amounts right now. We have a mortgage, car payments, want to save for our kids' college bills.

I am non-degreed and doing pretty good considering. I'd have to double my salary to please her. She seems like she's ready to quit her job at any minute.

Any other guy in this situation and how did you make your wife happy and not forclose on your mortgage?

First off, making HER happy is not the be-all and end-all of life! If we can make our spouse happy, we do so. That is not always possible. Sometimes one's spouse wants something she/he simply and plainly cannot have. Sometimes their wants are unreasonable. People are people and some are going to behave badly. Some are going to want things they simply CANNOT have.

My parents had a similar problem when we we in grades 6 to 12. My mother had not worked at her profession, executive secretary, since I was born. She REALLY did not want to go back into the workforce. But, financial pressure required it.

My father had to lay down the law in the form of explaining everything to her, including all of the options. She went back to work, slowly at first.

I have seen your complaint from other men ... "She wants to stay at home and put all of the financial responsibility onto me." Her wants MUST be balanced with his wants: Neither gets free reign to set the rules without the other's permission.

Marriage is not an autocracy of the wife or the husband. Marriage is a partnership. Both agree or 'it' does not happen.

You're going to have to talk this out with her.

 

[nowhereville]

I would love to be a stay at home mom, however where we live has notoriouisly low pay scales. It is required, I am fortunate enough to do something I enjoy (though not always in a pleasant atmosphere). It is challenging indeed (four kids yet).

Is her love language gifts by any chance? That doesn't mean you have to buy HUGE items - a funny card, something that reminds you of her (a used CD on half), there are a lot of things you can do for that love language without dropping a ton of money.

 

[RoseofLima]

I also wanted to add one more thing--staying at home full time is no picnic. If a a woman is dissastisfied working outside the home, there is much reason to believe that she will also struggle with being satisfied being at home full time, unless she is relly wanting and feeling called to be at home fulltime instead of just not working anymore.

If she feels really called to be at home, then that means there will be sacrifices to be made--and she will be on board with those sacrifices. It can be done-- my husband makes just under $30,000 a year- but we muddle through financially. Sometimes it ain't pretty, but God provides in some pretty amazing ways.

 

[Leanna]

I agree with bliz that more information is needed, I too wonder how old are the children? does she want to stay home for them or for what motivation?