Need Some Marriage Advice

[DEA10001]

Hello Everyone,

I was hoping for some advice in my 2+ year marriage. My wife and I have been having many issues since we married. For starters, we both come from different denominations and have different theology. I decided to recommit my life to Christ about four years ago. Since then, I have wanted to serve him; I discovered I might have the spiritual gift of evangelism/teaching. However, "most times," I desire to serve in the Church, but my wife is against it. For example, being involved in any small group always ends up in an argument and a guilt trip for her because she has no desire to do so. She also sees this as taking away time we can spend together and that I value involvement more than her. We are always late on Sunday mornings (I have voiced this, and it gets thrown back at me guilt-tripping, so I stopped bringing this up). Whenever I try to encourage bible reading, she gets upset and says I'm telling her what to do (I stopped this). I'm afraid to discuss my areas of interest for serving with her because it always raises her anxiety and starts an argument. For example, I was asked if I could do it in a particular area in our congregation, but I shut it down because I was too afraid to bring this up with my wife. In most instances, whenever I bring anything up with Church, it brings her on the defensive and creates anxiety/worry/resentment for her. I do not have support from her to raise these "issues" with our pastors or the counselor who gave us marriage counseling, so I feel stuck here. I have a Christian Therapist I meet with from time to time. She is not open to getting individual counseling. The topic of the Church is always avoided because we want two different things. Her idea is to hear a message every Sunday and go home. Mine is that + community and involvement to see the gospel go forward. I want our marriage to work, but I'm feeling defeated and isolated. At home, intimacy is almost non-existent (1-4 times monthly lately); I have learned to respect her "drive" and "choice" of timing. This has been particularly hard on me, but it's something I'm getting used to. It gets thrown back on me for not making enough attempts, but I hope others can see why I fear initiating. In the past, my needs have come up as guilt-tripping, so I have developed a fear of making attempts. In all of this - I have had many moments of getting angry, resentful, and hurtful with my words ( I own this piece, which I am working on daily). I know divorce is not an option, and I want to be true to my marital commitment; I have been praying about this and praying that God will give me the strength to handle this with his help.

 

[PsaltiChrysostom]

I appreciate that you have zeal to serve at your church. However, what I sense is that you want her to be with you every step of the way. Are you listening to what she has to say? You didn't mention kids but that might mean that she has to be with them the whole time. Heck, she may not feel welcome at your particular church. I'm just throwing out things here.

I serve as a chanter at my church which is a three hour commitment every Sunday. That does not include the additional services that I attend. For example, during the first two weeks of August, we have an hour long service every single weekday. It's a huge time requirement. My wife comes with me at times, but often just drives herself to attend for a short time. I miss her being there, but I also understand that she's by herself for that entire time. So I'm happy when she does come even if it is for a short time. When I can, I step down from the chant stand to be with her even if it is just for 15-30 minutes.

As for the intimacy issue, that's pretty common. Jobs, kids, pets, etc. can all play a role in desire. We have a 10 year old dog that gets between us anytime we get a little romantic. So we have to sneak off when she's sleeping so she can't follow us immediately. Worse than our kids when they were growing up.

So talk with her as to what a compromise might be. Maybe you go to a Bible study for a couple of sessions and then take a few weeks off and have brunch with your bride. As for Bible study at home, take your time to do that and pray for her while you are reading. It could be that you are coming off as a teacher rather than as a husband?

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Hello Everyone,

I was hoping for some advice in my 2+ year marriage. My wife and I have been having many issues since we married. For starters, we both come from different denominations and have different theology. I decided to recommit my life to Christ about four years ago. Since then, I have wanted to serve him; I discovered I might have the spiritual gift of evangelism/teaching. However, "most times," I desire to serve in the Church, but my wife is against it. For example, being involved in any small group always ends up in an argument and a guilt trip for her because she has no desire to do so. She also sees this as taking away time we can spend together and that I value involvement more than her. We are always late on Sunday mornings (I have voiced this, and it gets thrown back at me guilt-tripping, so I stopped bringing this up). Whenever I try to encourage bible reading, she gets upset and says I'm telling her what to do (I stopped this). I'm afraid to discuss my areas of interest for serving with her because it always raises her anxiety and starts an argument. For example, I was asked if I could do it in a particular area in our congregation, but I shut it down because I was too afraid to bring this up with my wife. In most instances, whenever I bring anything up with Church, it brings her on the defensive and creates anxiety/worry/resentment for her. I do not have support from her to raise these "issues" with our pastors or the counselor who gave us marriage counseling, so I feel stuck here. I have a Christian Therapist I meet with from time to time. She is not open to getting individual counseling. The topic of the Church is always avoided because we want two different things. Her idea is to hear a message every Sunday and go home. Mine is that + community and involvement to see the gospel go forward. I want our marriage to work, but I'm feeling defeated and isolated. At home, intimacy is almost non-existent (1-4 times monthly lately); I have learned to respect her "drive" and "choice" of timing. This has been particularly hard on me, but it's something I'm getting used to. It gets thrown back on me for not making enough attempts, but I hope others can see why I fear initiating. In the past, my needs have come up as guilt-tripping, so I have developed a fear of making attempts. In all of this - I have had many moments of getting angry, resentful, and hurtful with my words ( I own this piece, which I am working on daily). I know divorce is not an option, and I want to be true to my marital commitment; I have been praying about this and praying that God will give me the strength to handle this with his help.

Welcome to CF. Sometimes being a man is difficult. Women are even more difficult. Personally, I would get your marriage on track and that starts with a plan for unification. But who am I to give advice on these matters.
Blessings.

 

[tturt]

There is marital advice in Scripture such as "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:" Eph 4:26 Personally, I've found the sooner I apologize the better. Sometimes it's for my behavior , tone or attitude during a disagreement. - how I've said things or the words I"ve used. "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." (Pro 15:1).

Also, husbands love your wives and wives Respect your husbands (Eph 5:33). How do you show love to your wife from her perspective?

Forgive - if needed everyday

Prayer and fasting. Asking God what changes you need to make.

Encourage you to watch "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All his teachings are Biblically based and there's hundreds on youtube so there's a lot on marriage.

 

[eleos1954]

Hello Everyone,

I was hoping for some advice in my 2+ year marriage. My wife and I have been having many issues since we married. For starters, we both come from different denominations and have different theology. I decided to recommit my life to Christ about four years ago. Since then, I have wanted to serve him; I discovered I might have the spiritual gift of evangelism/teaching. However, "most times," I desire to serve in the Church, but my wife is against it. For example, being involved in any small group always ends up in an argument and a guilt trip for her because she has no desire to do so. She also sees this as taking away time we can spend together and that I value involvement more than her. We are always late on Sunday mornings (I have voiced this, and it gets thrown back at me guilt-tripping, so I stopped bringing this up). Whenever I try to encourage bible reading, she gets upset and says I'm telling her what to do (I stopped this). I'm afraid to discuss my areas of interest for serving with her because it always raises her anxiety and starts an argument. For example, I was asked if I could do it in a particular area in our congregation, but I shut it down because I was too afraid to bring this up with my wife. In most instances, whenever I bring anything up with Church, it brings her on the defensive and creates anxiety/worry/resentment for her. I do not have support from her to raise these "issues" with our pastors or the counselor who gave us marriage counseling, so I feel stuck here. I have a Christian Therapist I meet with from time to time. She is not open to getting individual counseling. The topic of the Church is always avoided because we want two different things. Her idea is to hear a message every Sunday and go home. Mine is that + community and involvement to see the gospel go forward. I want our marriage to work, but I'm feeling defeated and isolated. At home, intimacy is almost non-existent (1-4 times monthly lately); I have learned to respect her "drive" and "choice" of timing. This has been particularly hard on me, but it's something I'm getting used to. It gets thrown back on me for not making enough attempts, but I hope others can see why I fear initiating. In the past, my needs have come up as guilt-tripping, so I have developed a fear of making attempts. In all of this - I have had many moments of getting angry, resentful, and hurtful with my words ( I own this piece, which I am working on daily). I know divorce is not an option, and I want to be true to my marital commitment; I have been praying about this and praying that God will give me the strength to handle this with his help.

The two of you should study His Word together (perhaps after church) .... it should be done with the mindset of .... agree to disagree on some things ... perhaps on many things ..... anger should always be avoided ... it never accomplishes anything good. If you feel called to serve in the community then do so ... with her or without her ... if she chooses not to ... that's ok ... it's her choice ... not worth getting angry over. Create a balance between the two.

I know this isn't a popular view .... but sex doesn't make the marriage ... build your friendship with her .... without anger. Give each other
some space. Don't be afraid to hold her, hug her and don't do so with any further expectations. Tell her you love her every day whether she is reciprocal with that sentiment or not. A simple clasp of the hand and saying .... I just want you to know I love you .... and nothing more can have more meaning than you can imagine. Simple things .... can mean a lot.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

I tend to not give personal advice to individuals. If you want scripture or faith advice, fine.
People used to give "personal prophecies" on CF where they would give strangers "prophecies" allegedly from God. This was the old "Prophetic Forum" which is now defunct. Rightly so.
Unless you are talking to a trained, experienced counsellor who is accountable for their advice, I would suggest not taking advice from online posters who you do not know, and who do not know you. Find a local pastor or professional. Sometimes it helps to just talk it out.

 

[Paidiske]

Especially if you belong to different churches, I can understand why she would feel you doing more in your church pulls you away from her. Is there any chance you'd be willing to go to her church, or search together for a church that could be a good enough fit for both of you?

 

[Diamond7]

I desire to serve in the Church, but my wife is against it. For example, being involved in any small group always ends up in an argument and a guilt trip for her because she has no desire to do so.

You say you desire to serve, but she has no desire. Then do what you feel you should do. Tell her she is glad to be a part of that & if she does not want then do it alone. My wife does that all the time. She says I am doing this, I am doing that, if you want to go with me, I would be glad for you to go along. But if you do not want to participate that is up to you. My wife and I attended each others church. We both pretty much feel comfortable attending any church esp if the people are friendly.

 

[anetazo]

Hello friend. No one is judging you or criticizing you.
Your not compadable. If your sincere in serving Jesus. Studying the bible and producing fruit for God. The opposite is polar pulling in different direction.
Jesus is more important. Yes, your to love your wife and family. But love God more !!.
Luke chapter 9:62. And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
Jesus needs Christian people who are dedicated and obedience to serving God. Thiers lost souls headed for hell. Servants of God are supposed to witness to lost souls.
Jesus is confronted with having to send some of His children into lake of fire, revelation chapter 20, and Jude. Think it over.

Back to your wife my friend. Your not compadable with each other. Why ??.
Because your trying to walk the line and she's walking in different path.
Meaning: its sound doctrine verse prosperity doctrine. Its tug of war. It won't work.
Isaiah 17:10. Because thou hast forgotten the God of thy salvation, and hast not been mindful of the Rock of thy strength, therefore shalt thou plant pleasant plants, and shalt set it with strange slips.
Jesus needs Christian people to teach sound doctrine. The strange slips are traditions of men and false doctrine. Get the picture.
You can't compromise your values and beliefs and God's word. Those involved with strange slips, prosperity doctrine, are detrimental to you.

I have 3 brothers who study with false preachers. They are biblically illiterate. I can't reason with them. I keep a distance from them. Get the picture.

17:11. In the day shalt thou make thy plant to grow, and in the morning shalt thou make thy seed to flourish: but the harvest shall be a heap in the day of grief and of desperate sorrow.
God won't bless those involved with strange slips. The other person will drag you down with them.
My honest advice. If you can't reason with her. Separate from her by moving else where. Arguing and fighting is silly and unproductive for God.
You can't compromise your values and beliefs. I hope you understand why. Peace.

 

[OldAbramBrown]

I think an instinct to persevere in relating is sounder than that specifically described by anetazo in this instance.

You are not in God's eyes under any legalism as to how often you serve in some capacity at church.

My gut feeling is, your good lady is not standing between you and the Lord and His people.

Here is a very worrying and unclear sentence and a half (in bold) that no-one else has referred to yet (if I might have the temerity as a single):

Hello Everyone,
... ; I have learned to respect her "drive" and "choice" of timing. This has been particularly hard on me, but it's something I'm getting used to. It gets thrown back on me for not making enough attempts, but I hope others can see why I fear initiating. In the past, my needs have come up as guilt-tripping, so I have developed a fear of making attempts. ...

Thrown back by whom? Needs as seen by whom (besides you)?

"Seeing the gospel go forward" is a very big subject. Take time to explore it in the light of all of Scripture meanings and find new perspectives.

You were given three or four different theologies: your good lady's, your different former ones, and your current, for God's good purpose. Step back and admire all the views!

What you need may not be - mainly - "marriage advice" after all?