Hey everyone. This will be long but I desperately want to keep my wife and family, so here I am looking for Christian advice.
My wife and I have been married for 11 years. Like and marriage, we've had many ups and downs, at least I thought. We are both in our mid 30s with 1 child we absolutely love and were blessed with.
Recently my wife had been distant and not wanting to be much of any kind of affectionate toward me which led to me asking about it. She said she was finally standing up for herself and she was done being touched without permission, I was smothering her, and she basically felt trapped by me. Of course this came to a shock to me, but she finally told me why.
She said I've been controlling our entire marriage and she was done being controlled. I immediately went into defense mode saying I hadn't been and all the denying one usually does when accused.
We went on our anniversary trip we had planned and it ended up being a knock dorm drag out fight most of the time, which of course furthered this.
She proceeded to tell me more as to why she was feeling the way she did. She has felt like a sexual object, not a person, and not able to tell me no for any type of physical activity. She did things for me only because I had thrown a fit, acted mad, said things that hurt her feelings if she didn't want a hug or to have sex whenever I wanted, etc. I never drank until she came in my life. I had noticed it had gotten to where she only wanted sex if she drank enough to get tipsy. She would tell me to get her more drinks until she loosened up some. Well I of course at the time liked this because I was getting what wanted, not realizing she was having to drink to be with me sexually.
Before we had our child she had a very stressful job. It caused her to resent me because I wouldn't let her quit the job and find something different. There aren't too many jobs around where we live, and we had just had our child, so I was looking at things in the way of making sure we could provide for our family until something better came along. It caused many nights of exhaustion, stress, and heartache. 3 years ago now, she did end up getting a much better position at a company she likes with wonderful hours and pay.
I would constantly make her feel like she wasn't enough, and everything had to be my way or no way. I would pick at the smallest things and gripe about them. I even at one time early on said that man and woman once married were supposed to be one together sexually, and be together in that way which I shouldn't have said.
She likes tattoos and I told her I had rather her not getting an entire arm or leg done as I much prefer her natural skin. She wanted black hair at one point, and I told her I preferred other colors.
Never once did I say she couldn't, I just prefer this or that which made her feel inadequate on what she wanted. I never forced her to do anything physical, but my nagging made her when she didn't want to at all.
She has always put what others wanted above her wants, and loves approval from people. She has been this way even growing up with her parents. She did not have a great childhood.
Her parents are divorced and she was glad when they did so the fighting between them would stop.
She further told me she has emotionally checked out of our marriage, and doesn't know if we are able to be fixed.
This threw me into anger at first. But then I realized I hadn't prayed about any of this, or over our marriage in a long time. I then realized I WAS wrong, and that most everything of what she has been saying, is right. I immediately started praying and for forgiveness from God but also from her.
Since this started, I have felt the negativity, and all of this controlling behavior leave me. I have prayed every night, and am a different person. I don't know what was over me, but I felt it lift.
She has noticed the difference since I told her I admitted that I was wrong, and for most of our marriage, I made her feel this hurt and anger towards me. I have no idea why I was this way for so long. I never wanted to hurt her in any way.
Presently, she is sleeping in another bedroom in our house. It is absolutely killing me. She can't have any thing to do with me physically. She said she is nearly traumatized at this point from touch. Not just me, but friends or family even. She doesn't want me seeing her without clothes on right now, and I can't even hug her without her freaking out on me, so everything has stopped.
She said she is very angry, and very hurt, and is processing her feelings on if she can stay together, or if too much damage has been done for her to stay. She doesn't want to leave and wants to try, but she just doesn't know when or how to get through this feeling. She said if I can give her time and space, she will try, but me pushing her will make it worse.
We had a counselor before but I went back after a few weeks to the same old me. She is mad now because she loves the way she's been treated, and thus was the husband she wanted and never got. And now she wonders if too much damage has been done.
Something else I did wrong was she told me she didn't want to be physical with me, but I found one of her toys she was using by herself one time and called her out on it. This made her even more mad which now I see why. It's HER body as well, not mine.
She still calls me babe, takes pictures together, we still go to church together, go out to eat, and she still tells me she loves me. She just needs to process her thoughts and feelings, and it's 10 years worth of bad memories. There are some good, and she's trying to focus on them.
She said she isn't ready to tell a counselor everything she's felt, but may can get there to help her process.
I gel feel absolutely worthless, and like the worst man on the earth right now. Why didn't I see these things before. Why didn't I pray through until it released?
My friends have went through some rough times as well and have nearly divorced. They have been in the same boat. They said give her time and the space she wants. God can heal I know that. I have faith, but it's so hard to roll over and not have her in our bed, and in the guest room instead. Neither of us want to raise our child in a split home. She just says she can't get over this anger and hurt right now, and time is what she needs.
I would love advice, and does it sound like she may stay? We had our normal talk/snack/drink together tonight and shared some laughs together. She sent me some funny pictures about things we joke about a lot. I think she wants to work things out, she just needs to see that this husband I am now, offering help, not being negative, basically the husband she wants, is here to stay.
I just want her to heal from our lady past, and have more positive years than bad. Does this seem possible in our situation? Thank you to whoever takes time to help give advice on this!
My wife and I have been married for 11 years. Like and marriage, we've had many ups and downs, at least I thought. We are both in our mid 30s with 1 child we absolutely love and were blessed with.
Recently my wife had been distant and not wanting to be much of any kind of affectionate toward me which led to me asking about it. She said she was finally standing up for herself and she was done being touched without permission, I was smothering her, and she basically felt trapped by me. Of course this came to a shock to me, but she finally told me why.
She said I've been controlling our entire marriage and she was done being controlled. I immediately went into defense mode saying I hadn't been and all the denying one usually does when accused.
We went on our anniversary trip we had planned and it ended up being a knock dorm drag out fight most of the time, which of course furthered this.
She proceeded to tell me more as to why she was feeling the way she did. She has felt like a sexual object, not a person, and not able to tell me no for any type of physical activity. She did things for me only because I had thrown a fit, acted mad, said things that hurt her feelings if she didn't want a hug or to have sex whenever I wanted, etc. I never drank until she came in my life. I had noticed it had gotten to where she only wanted sex if she drank enough to get tipsy. She would tell me to get her more drinks until she loosened up some. Well I of course at the time liked this because I was getting what wanted, not realizing she was having to drink to be with me sexually.
Before we had our child she had a very stressful job. It caused her to resent me because I wouldn't let her quit the job and find something different. There aren't too many jobs around where we live, and we had just had our child, so I was looking at things in the way of making sure we could provide for our family until something better came along. It caused many nights of exhaustion, stress, and heartache. 3 years ago now, she did end up getting a much better position at a company she likes with wonderful hours and pay.
I would constantly make her feel like she wasn't enough, and everything had to be my way or no way. I would pick at the smallest things and gripe about them. I even at one time early on said that man and woman once married were supposed to be one together sexually, and be together in that way which I shouldn't have said.
She likes tattoos and I told her I had rather her not getting an entire arm or leg done as I much prefer her natural skin. She wanted black hair at one point, and I told her I preferred other colors.
Never once did I say she couldn't, I just prefer this or that which made her feel inadequate on what she wanted. I never forced her to do anything physical, but my nagging made her when she didn't want to at all.
She has always put what others wanted above her wants, and loves approval from people. She has been this way even growing up with her parents. She did not have a great childhood.
Her parents are divorced and she was glad when they did so the fighting between them would stop.
She further told me she has emotionally checked out of our marriage, and doesn't know if we are able to be fixed.
This threw me into anger at first. But then I realized I hadn't prayed about any of this, or over our marriage in a long time. I then realized I WAS wrong, and that most everything of what she has been saying, is right. I immediately started praying and for forgiveness from God but also from her.
Since this started, I have felt the negativity, and all of this controlling behavior leave me. I have prayed every night, and am a different person. I don't know what was over me, but I felt it lift.
She has noticed the difference since I told her I admitted that I was wrong, and for most of our marriage, I made her feel this hurt and anger towards me. I have no idea why I was this way for so long. I never wanted to hurt her in any way.
Presently, she is sleeping in another bedroom in our house. It is absolutely killing me. She can't have any thing to do with me physically. She said she is nearly traumatized at this point from touch. Not just me, but friends or family even. She doesn't want me seeing her without clothes on right now, and I can't even hug her without her freaking out on me, so everything has stopped.
She said she is very angry, and very hurt, and is processing her feelings on if she can stay together, or if too much damage has been done for her to stay. She doesn't want to leave and wants to try, but she just doesn't know when or how to get through this feeling. She said if I can give her time and space, she will try, but me pushing her will make it worse.
We had a counselor before but I went back after a few weeks to the same old me. She is mad now because she loves the way she's been treated, and thus was the husband she wanted and never got. And now she wonders if too much damage has been done.
Something else I did wrong was she told me she didn't want to be physical with me, but I found one of her toys she was using by herself one time and called her out on it. This made her even more mad which now I see why. It's HER body as well, not mine.
She still calls me babe, takes pictures together, we still go to church together, go out to eat, and she still tells me she loves me. She just needs to process her thoughts and feelings, and it's 10 years worth of bad memories. There are some good, and she's trying to focus on them.
She said she isn't ready to tell a counselor everything she's felt, but may can get there to help her process.
I gel feel absolutely worthless, and like the worst man on the earth right now. Why didn't I see these things before. Why didn't I pray through until it released?
My friends have went through some rough times as well and have nearly divorced. They have been in the same boat. They said give her time and the space she wants. God can heal I know that. I have faith, but it's so hard to roll over and not have her in our bed, and in the guest room instead. Neither of us want to raise our child in a split home. She just says she can't get over this anger and hurt right now, and time is what she needs.
I would love advice, and does it sound like she may stay? We had our normal talk/snack/drink together tonight and shared some laughs together. She sent me some funny pictures about things we joke about a lot. I think she wants to work things out, she just needs to see that this husband I am now, offering help, not being negative, basically the husband she wants, is here to stay.
I just want her to heal from our lady past, and have more positive years than bad. Does this seem possible in our situation? Thank you to whoever takes time to help give advice on this!
