Married men. What should I look for in a wife?

JaneFW

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Don't just throw Proverbs 31 at me, assume that is a given. Give me the honest truth as it pertains to modern women in the US. What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.
What are you doing to ensure you will be a good husband?
 
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sdmsanjose

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http://www.christianforums.com/t7554363-post57317602/#post57317602
Originally Posted by Gabe7
Don't just throw Proverbs 31 at me, assume that is a given. Give me the honest truth as it pertains to modern women in the US. What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.


Reply by Jane
What are you doing to ensure you will be a good husband?



Jane that is a good topic for another thread. This thread is about

“What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.”
 
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JaneFW

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Jane that is a good topic for another thread. This thread is about

“What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.”
The two go together though. That's why I'm asking. I'm wondering what kind of work he is doing to become a good enough husband for this wonderful wife he is seeking. He can ignore me if he wants to. <shrug>
 
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lillivanilli

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So basically you need to find a quiet, docile, obedient woman who puts out regularly and without complaint, who will attend to your every need and never have a bad mood or negative thought, who is a virgin that loves sex, who doesn't have any ambitions of her own except to serve you and the lord.

Good luck with that.

This type of flawless, perfect person does not exist.

And while it's all well and good to discuss how much sex you'll be having, keep in mind that NOBODY can predict how their feelings and desires will change in the future. Children, work, life stresses, all these things have an effect on the libido. Just because someone says they'll give you sex x times per week can't possibly know how that will play out 1, 10, 20 years in the future.

And yeah, Jane is right. If you are a crap husband, don't expect your wife to take up the slack. A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP. You reap what you sow.

I can't believe people are actually discussing this like women are some piece of prize cattle to purchase. Oh yeah, I can. Never mind.
 
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LinkH

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So basically you need to find a quiet, docile, obedient woman who puts out regularly and without complaint, who will attend to your every need and never have a bad mood or negative thought,

It sounds like a pretty good list, overall, for an ideal bride. Not that there are many women exactly like this. 'Quiet' is a relative term. The idea candidate for a Christian wife has a 'meek and quiet spirit, which is in the site of God, of great price.'

Docile and obedient? Being obedient to God is a positive characteristic. I Peter 3 encourages wives with the example of the submission of Sarah who 'obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.' If a girlfriend is obedient to her boyfriend, that isn't necessarily a positive sign, though. Obedience to her father is. If she is obedient to her boyfriend, she could be the codependent type. If she is obedient to her parents because this is what the Lord commands, even though she is the type of person who knows how to think on her own, who has a will, a drive to do things, that is good. Power under control is a good thing. Self-control and obedience to the word of God are good things.

After a woman marries, she is to submit to her husband. She does not have to submit to her boyfriend, and in a lot of cases, it is a really bad idea to do so.

Never have a bad mood or negative though? That's not likely to happen. Seeing how she deals with bad moods can be helpful. If she learns to take every thought captive unto the obedience of Christ, that is a good thing, too.
[/quote]

who is a virgin that loves sex, who doesn't have any ambitions of her own except to serve you and the lord.
Yes, a virgin who loves sex. What an ideal for a bride. But how would she know how much she loves sex if she is a virgin? It is good if a woman has a healthy attitude toward sex and if both husband and wife go into marriage with the understanding that each is to meet the other's sexual needs. If both are virgins, sex drive may be hard to predict. If she is not a virgin and says she has a high sex drive, we've all heard the stereotype of women who love sex before marriage, but don't want to have it much after marriage. (Maybe this is a bad side effect of fornication for some people.)

On ambition, her having ambitions that are compatible with your own seems a bit more realistic. A lot of men are not attractive to unimaginative women with extremely low ambition.

A desire to serve the Lord is a key trait to find in a wife. If she is flawed in numerous other areas (and who isn't) the desire to serve the Lord can motivate her to yield to the Lord when it comes to the other areas of her life.

Good luck with that.

This type of flawless, perfect person does not exist.
Good point. And if a young man finds a woman like this, he should ask himself, "If she is so perfect, why would she want to be with me?" I suppose there are a number of godly women who fit all or most of these characteristics, but some of these things can take time to develop beyond an ideal age for marriage. Some of this type of character development comes through difficulties faced in marriage.

Titus 2 tells the older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands, how to care for the home, to submit to their husbands, etc. The reason this has to be taught is that there are women who don't do this automatically. It needs to be taught, and it can take some time.

If a man insists on the idea woman, a 'perfect 10' in looks, with all these characteristics, and actually finds one, then he should be just as perfect as well. Otherwise, why would she settle for him. In real life, people have flaws and don't live up to all our ideas.

Fearing the Lord and loving the Lord are two top characteristics for a wife. A lot of the other character issues can be straightened out over time if she loves and fears the Lord. I would still encourage young men looking to look for a 'meek and quiet spirit', someone who forgives easily and does not get upset about small things too easily, someone who is not controlling, who is submissive to authority, and who can accept what the Bible has to say about marriage. Agreement on what marriage is supposed to be like is important.
 
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CounselorForChrist

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I want to say something about lillivanilli, but I won't. She has to deal with God for her "views".

As for the topic, no one can tell you what you should want in a woman. Only you know what you want. True as christians people tend to have guidelines like the Proverbs 31 thing. But you will know when you meet the right person and thats what matters. I didn't really have any thing I was looking for in a women besides her being christian. I just found someone who just seemed ot feel right.
 
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lillivanilli

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Docile and obedient? Being obedient to God is a positive characteristic. I Peter 3 encourages wives with the example of the submission of Sarah who 'obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.' If a girlfriend is obedient to her boyfriend, that isn't necessarily a positive sign, though. Obedience to her father is. If she is obedient to her boyfriend, she could be the codependent type. If she is obedient to her parents because this is what the Lord commands, even though she is the type of person who knows how to think on her own, who has a will, a drive to do things, that is good. Power under control is a good thing. Self-control and obedience to the word of God are good things.

I agree with you on most of that. But what if doesn't have parents? (mine were dead by the time I got married). What are you going to use for your "indicator" then? What if her parents were abusive, neglectful, horrible people and she has cut them out of her life? Judging a woman by her relationship with her parents is not the greatest, because you don't know the extenuating circumstances.

Yes, a virgin who loves sex. What an ideal for a bride. But how would she know how much she loves sex if she is a virgin? It is good if a woman has a healthy attitude toward sex and if both husband and wife go into marriage with the understanding that each is to meet the other's sexual needs. If both are virgins, sex drive may be hard to predict. If she is not a virgin and says she has a high sex drive, we've all heard the stereotype of women who love sex before marriage, but don't want to have it much after marriage. (Maybe this is a bad side effect of fornication for some people.)

And like I said, nobody, NOBODY can say today that "yes, I will have sex with you 3 times per week" or whatever and be expected to be held to that in the future. So many factors go into a person's desire. And forcing a person to have sex (even out of obligation) is nothing more than rape my friend. Hope none of you men here guilt your wives into doing something she doesn't feel like doing. Sex should be mutual and ENJOYABLE...it should never be an obligation. You are just setting yourself up for future disappointment and resentment if that's your view.

DISCUSSIONS about sex are well and good...but EXPECTATIONS? Not so much.
 
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lillivanilli

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I want to say something about lillivanilli, but I won't. She has to deal with God for her "views".

No, you won't say anything because you know nothing about me. It's not your place to judge; I'm just right with God and don't need anyone's opinion but His. :thumbsup:
 
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LinkH

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I agree with you on most of that. But what if doesn't have parents? (mine were dead by the time I got married). What are you going to use for your "indicator" then? What if her parents were abusive, neglectful, horrible people and she has cut them out of her life? Judging a woman by her relationship with her parents is not the greatest, because you don't know the extenuating circumstances.

No, not everyone has parents in their life, but for those that do, this is something to look at.

I would imagine most people who are about to get married know each other well enough to know a little of the background of their potential spouse's relationship with their parents. My wife was sent away to relative's to study in a distance city in middle school, so she had a kind of 'distant' relationship with her father, and she was separated from her birth mother at 2, but that is another story. Not everyone is going to fit into the mold of the perfect nuclear family.

If a Christian woman does have a difficult relationship with her family, you can still see how she reacts in that difficult situation. You can also see other indicators of how she interacts with authority figures, pastors, etc. These are good things to look for early on before you both get too invested in the relationship. If her mom and dad live very far away, you may have to get far along into the relationship before you get a chance to meet them.

And like I said, nobody, NOBODY can say today that "yes, I will have sex with you 3 times per week" or whatever and be expected to be held to that in the future.
I wonder if any couples actually negotiate that out beforehand. :) Childbirth sure can throw a damper on such things, not just right after, but the childcare afterwards can be demanding for many months.

So many factors go into a person's desire. And forcing a person to have sex (even out of obligation) is nothing more than rape my friend. Hope none of you men here guilt your wives into doing something she doesn't feel like doing. Sex should be mutual and ENJOYABLE...it should never be an obligation. You are just setting yourself up for future disappointment and resentment if that's your view.
I wouldn't consider sex out of obligation to be rape. That really cheapens the definition of rape. Some guys do that when they don't feel like it, too, I suppose. It doesn't sound like that much fun for either party. If both the husband and wife are generous committed to meeting the other's needs, and are willing to try to get in the mood, it works out better.
 
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CounselorForChrist

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I wouldn't lol. Passive-Agreesive women (or men) are to fearful, insecure and they don't know how to trust. Not to mention if you are that way as a woman, it might make the "Provebs 31" thing not work to well. The first girl I was with was pasive-agressive. I don't hate her for being like she was, I felt bad because her daughter wanted her mom so bad, but she didn't see that. >.<
 
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CounselorForChrist

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I knew that! :p

I sometimes get caught up in trying to correct people. Which can be an issues because people then assume I am being self rigtheous when its not realy the case. I admiteddly sin and have flaws like everyone else. I'm no where near perfect. If I correct someone its more of me wanting to help them because I don't want to see any brother or sister go in the wrong direction. I just felt Lillis comment felt a little judgy like she was stereotyping men.

Its unfair to think men want quite, docile women to rule over. There are men that do want that, but not everyone feels like that.
 
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lillivanilli

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I knew that! :p

I sometimes get caught up in trying to correct people. Which can be an issues because people then assume I am being self rigtheous when its not realy the case. I admiteddly sin and have flaws like everyone else. I'm no where near perfect. If I correct someone its more of me wanting to help them because I don't want to see any brother or sister go in the wrong direction. I just felt Lillis comment felt a little judgy like she was stereotyping men.

Its unfair to think men want quite, docile women to rule over. There are men that do want that, but not everyone feels like that.


I was merely commenting on the previous posts. And sorry if I sounded snippy but this entire thread just feels completely demeaning and offensive toward women. It's like "how to choose the right pet for your family" only the object being weighed and measured here is the entire female population.

Here's a thought (for the OP): how about going on some dates, getting to KNOW some women, and see if you develop feelings for a special one? The heart works in mysterious ways (kinda like God) and you never know just who you might fall in love with. But trying to match a woman up to some impossible checklist? Probably not gonna work out too well. The question then becomes, can you accept her for who she IS? Only you can answer that.
 
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CounselorForChrist

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I apologize too, it was my mistake. Unlike what I normally do, I forgot to read the first page or two. So I didn't realize the response people were putting out there. You are right. The replies do come off as demeaning. I knew men could be pigish sometimes but this thread is very messed up.

Men and women alike who have incredibly crazy "lists" of what they want. Its ok to have some prefrences but it seems to many just want some way out there stuff. Sex life shouldn't matter, weight sholdn't matter, income shouldn't matter. Love looks past all these things. I guess people have forgotten this:

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13
By (men) saying a woman should be able to "put out" "x" amount of times or that they should do this or that. It only gives non-believers more fuel for the fire. At the previuous forum I was at athiests would rip apart any christian because they think all christian men want to be controlling with their wives.

I'm not perfect but I would never control my wife, hurt her or anything like that. Marraige is a equal partnership where things should be discussed. Sadly like I said though, even christian men don't seem to understand how it works. I apologize again, I should have read the first few posts!​
 
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davepra1234

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Don't just throw Proverbs 31 at me, assume that is a given. Give me the honest truth as it pertains to modern women in the US. What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.

Charm,Deceitful,Riches are vain but the woman that fears the Lord she should be praised .... All the Best ????
 
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jpcedotal

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I have been divorced 3 times so I can tell you what not to marry...

high school sweetheart
girl you met at the bar
girl you work with

All of this happened before I got serious with Christ and figured out that the main problem was myself.
 
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omanid

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I have been divorced 3 times so I can tell you what not to marry...

high school sweetheart
girl you met at the bar
girl you work with

All of this happened before I got serious with Christ and figured out that the main problem was myself.

so it might be high school sweetheart, bar girl, work girl...
thumbs up
 
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