Married men. What should I look for in a wife?

[Gabe7]

Don't just throw Proverbs 31 at me, assume that is a given. Give me the honest truth as it pertains to modern women in the US. What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

How does she speak of other people, especially people she doesn't like? Does she gossip about them, or is she respectful towards them doing everything in her power to get along with them? Avoid gossips like the plague.

Also, what is her relationship with her family like? Her relationship with her family will be telling about how she deals with a familial relationships of which marriage is one.

And lastly, how does she show affection? How interested is she in affection? And later on in your relationship (while you're engaged) definitely talk about both of your expectations regarding sex before you are married.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Honesty. Does she tell it like it is? Is she going to blow sunshine up your butt because you're her husband and can do no wrong or will she tell you the honest truth? Are you going to hear about it fairly quickly when you tick her off or is she going to let it fester, causing you to not even know it was an issue until later on?

 

[shoprag]

I've been married 24 years. Marry your best friend.

 

[Speculative]

I agree with posts #2 (re: talking about sex) and #3, and disagree with post #4.

I've been married 17 years, and I married my best friend.

Firstly, honesty is critically important. I'd suggest you take this very seriously and if you detect the slightest bit of dishonesty in a woman, run. She is not going to tell you if she's a habitual liar (my wife sure didn't) so you'll have to pay very close attention and realize that if she has this flaw, she will hide it.

Secondly, if a sexual relationship is at all important to you, make sure that you and she are on the same page with this. Talk about it. A lot. And if you find any sign that she's not committed to a sexual relationship, run. If you are committed to having a Biblical marriage, this is likely your only chance at a sexual relationship--make sure it's not a life long disappointment.

Finally, beware of sayings like: "marry your best friend" and "Don't marry someone you live with; marry someone you can't live without".

Have you ever been told by a girl that she wanted to "just be friends"? You know what that means, right? It means she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. The marriage relationship should be far more intimate than that of friends--even best friends. In my case, my wife has wondered why a sexual relationship is so important if we can be "best friends" without it.

Now I know there are people around here that think I'm abnormal, I'm a downer and I have a dreary outlook on marriage. That's fine, but I post this out of a sincere desire to help young men not make the same mistakes and experience the same disappointment I have.

 

[Luther073082]

Someone who has the same faith and a similar undertanding of doctrine. Don't just marry any Christian you can, marry someone who has a similar understanding of the faith and similar worship preferences.

After that look for someone with similar personality and desires to you. Someone that you can do things with (besides sex) and have fun together. You need to find someone with a similar work ethic (If you plan on working 16 hour days every day so you can make a huge income, be sure that you have a wife that can live with that. Or if you just want to do 8 hours and be done, maybe not make as much but have time for family and yourself, you need a woman thats ok with not being rich.), activity level (This is a big one, if you are a couch potato, don't marry a woman who's in the gym 3 days a week. or vice versa, the couch potato will always feel annoyed and the active one will feel disappointed.), spending and financial philosophies, some (but not necessarily all) shared interests.

Like others said, you need to find a woman that is committed to a sexual relationship and considers that important.

Perferably find someone with a similar sense of humor.

I do agree with marrying someone you love and marrying your best friend. But that being said you can't ignore the other aspects of how this is going to work too. You have to look at pretty much everything. Because in the end you and this person have to build a life together that you are both comfortable with. Now this person is never going to be the same as you and so things will change when you get married. But the more similar a person is to you, the easier the transition is.

 

[PaulOguns]

Look for a woman that fears God and believes in you. Most important of all be convinced in your heart that this is the woman God wants you to be with. Stay clear of women that want to compete with you and prove their independence, nothing wrong with a woman being independent but when she feels she needs to push it in your face and let you know that she doesn't need you, then that is a sure sign that she will be a contentious and unsubmissive wife coming into marriage with a mindset of "I have to prove I am an equal" and of course she is an equal but if she's not been treated as an equal in past relationships and is still carrying around the hurt from those relationships then you will be on the receiving end of that hurt even if you dont deserve to be - make sure she has dealt with all those kinds of issues.

Also make sure she has dealt with her insecurities, especially if she has been with unfaithful partners in the past, she will have lots of trust issues and frustrate you by checking up on your emails and phone calls all the time and that can really get under your skin.

Also look for a woman that loves you genuinely, not because of what you have or your status, you need a woman that will stick with you even when things aren't going well for you - they are a rare gem to find, but I thank God that I found one.

 

[Fierce Badger]

Don't just throw Proverbs 31 at me, assume that is a given. Give me the honest truth as it pertains to modern women in the US. What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.

Some warning signs have already been mentioned in this thread but I will reiterate them.

Don't marry a woman whom you know is deceptive and lies all of the time. She will keep secrets from you and try to manipulate you for her own gain. If you or her keep secrets in a marriage, it will harm and possibly destroy it. Even if you don't know she's keeping a secret from you, it will still harm your relationship. From what I understand (and let me preface this by saying I don't have any kids but I've talked to people that do), if you throw kids into that mix it will become a million times worse. Does she tell lies about other people to her friends? Does she actively try to set you against other people whom you know are innocent?

A good woman will be brutally honest with you, especially about her own faults. She will see the faults in her own self and want to improve upon them constantly. Basically, she will know that she's an imperfect sinner in constant need of Christ. Yes, she will be honest with you about your own faults. Her motivation to criticize will be that she wants you to be a better man. What makes marriage sanctifying for you is that she acts as a sort of living conscience. She'll make you mad sometimes, but it won't be to tear you down though you might feel that way.

Again, as was mentioned earlier, don't marry a woman who's headstrong and trying to prove that she's equal or above men. A good woman knows that she has equal value to a man but submits to his leadership even if she heartily disagrees. A good woman will support and defend her man to other people even if she completely disagrees with his actions (that might sound extremely weird to some people, but it's absolutely true). Women who have some sort of agenda to prove to the world of men, in my humble opinion, should never get married.

 

[beckyjustbecky]

I've been married 24 years. Marry your best friend.

I second that!

I just DID! And although we're only married 3 1/2 months, It was the second best decision I have EVER made!

 

[Spiritlight]

marry your best friend I third that. Also look at the fingernails. Long fingernails might mean she dont like getting her hands dirty. That might mean you do all the dirty work. This is not entirely accurate but a personal observation I have made.

If you marry a princess you might end up a servant- if you get my drift!

Someone who works side by side with you through any job makes your partnership easier. My wife was helping me rewire our house today..after a bit of whinging lol.

* look at her mother because that is what she may be like in a few years. She will have her mothers values and genes.

* you wan someone with similar values to you. If you are a christian AVOID marrying a non christian it makes it very hard.
Marry your best friend, love her and appreciate her every day. Never let the sun go down on an argument.

hope that helps

 

[pappastratos]

someone you can live WITH, not without. MAke sure her appearance is what you like. If you like tall blondes, you need to marry one. I have always loved brunettes with curves, not consumed with big boobs. So, my wife is brunette, nice curves, and not a "D" cup.

 

[LinkH]

First of all, Christians need to marry Christians. Don't just find someone who calls herself a Christian or even just someone who goes to church, but someone really seeking to please the Lord.

It is really important that you be able to forgive one another if you have an argument or whatever. Try to find someone who puts the teachings of Christ about forgiveness, making things right with others, etc. into practice and takes them seriously. You don't want to marry some bitter, petty woman who gets upset over nothing and is still angry at you for forgetting to bring her flowers on your first-month dating anniversary way back before you got married. It is also important for you to put these things into practice.

Find a woman who knows how to stay sexually pure who highly values marriage and has a strong disdain for divorce, realizing it displeases the Lord. You need to have this attitude as well.

Find someone loving and giving. Find someone with all those industrious traits of Proverbs 31. Be industrious and hard-working yourself.

Find someone you have some attraction for. If you find a woman with great character, but you just don't feel any attraction for and can't figure out how you would kiss her, much less have children with her, that isn't a good thing.

Find a woman who appreciates you and can appreciate how the Lord is working in your life.

Find a woman who is willing to submit to her husband. That is important and because important in marriage. Does she yell at you are call you names? That's a bad sign. A wife needs to respect her husband. I know this gets downplayed a lot in church these days, but it is important.

Of course, you will be required to love the woman like Christ loves the church. It helps if you find someone whom you find 'easy to love' because even those women will be tough to love at times, so its good to start from the 'easy to love' level when you are dating.

 

[LinkH]

Secondly, if a sexual relationship is at all important to you, make sure that you and she are on the same page with this. Talk about it. A lot. And if you find any sign that she's not committed to a sexual relationship, run. If you are committed to having a Biblical marriage, this is likely your only chance at a sexual relationship--make sure it's not a life long disappointment.

I think this should be discussed before marriage, but I think people need to be careful about this. If you sit around talking about sex a lot, you may be tempted to indulge in sin. You don't want to talk about this stuff in public. Don't do it alone on a couch somewhere. Maybe outside where people are far from you, out of earshot, but there isn't too much privacy. The phone may also work if you have some privacy.

If you want to marry a virgin, she may not have much idea of what sexual frequency to expect or what that will entail, and you may not if you are a virgin. It may be appropriate to read I Corinthians 7, and explain that couples are to meet one another's needs. If the spouse with lesser desire is supposed to meet the needs of the one with the greater desire. If you can agree on that beforehand, and walk it out if you get married, you could end up exhausted if you are the one with lesser desire, and well-satisfied if you are the other partner. I wouldn't talk in terms of 'me' and 'you' about this until you actually propose.

I think it is normal to start talking about marriage before proposing. For me, I wanted there to be a bit of a surprise element to the actual proposal, so I didn't want to talk too much in terms of us being married before that. I noticed in the Old Testament that engagement was pretty much marriage. Sleeping with an engaged girl was adultery, punishable by death. Breaking up with you fiancee required divorce. So I wasn't willing to propose until I was able to treat it like the real thing, and the deal wasn't completely sealed until I got her father's approval (fortunately happened) in my mind. After that, I would talk in terms of us. I still took it easy on the sex talk to keep us from falling into fornication. We saved ourselves until after the wedding ceremony and party that followed.

 

[anunbeliever]

What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.

Alot depends on what you personally want in a wife. So only you can answer. What is your rationale for wanting to be married? If its companionship, then marry a woman once she has become your best friend. If its children, then marry a woman who you think will become a wonderful mother. If you are the kind of man who needs physical beauty to be romantically attracted, then marry a woman you find beautiful.

 

[LinkH]

Don't just throw Proverbs 31 at me, assume that is a given. Give me the honest truth as it pertains to modern women in the US. What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.

I heard a sermon recently that said that if a woman was submissive and respectful to her father, she would likely be the same to her husband.

You should look for a woman who is not irritable, grouchy, and argumentative. Proverbs specifically warns multiple times about the poor fate of a man who has a quarrelsome wife. Has she ever told you a story about getting so angry she threw dishes at someone? That's a bad sign.

It is also important to have a diligent wife, a hard worker, who cares about the home. If her house is covered with dust bunnies and there is always a stack of dirty dishes, that could spell trouble in the future, especially if you are messy yourself. Women should look for diligent men, and men should look for a diligent woman.

Does she like children? Does she show affection for small kids?

The main thing is to find a woman who fears the Lord. Is the Lord first in her life. Does she compromise her values int he decisions she makes? Does she do what's right even when it is tough? The verse about the one who swears and does not violate his oath, even to his own hurt comes to mind.


In this culture it is also important to find a wife who does not believe in divorce, who is really committed to marriage and staying married.

 

[ferreira]

For me the big factor was how important family was to her. My ex before did not like my family and it put a big strain on our relationship.

Thankfully my wife hold family very close to her and that was what was most important to me.

 

[LinkH]

Another thing to look for is loyalty to those to whom she should be loyal. Is she too quick to share her frustrations about her parents, or does she make fun of them? What about her boss or co-workers? If she gossips about people she should be loyal to, what will she say about you? Gossip is another red flag.

In real life, people are flawed though. If you find someone who is right for you and the Lord is still working on her....well he is working on you, too.

I would try to avoid anyone who is quarrelsome. I remember praying before I got married that I knew there were challenges and difficulties in life, but I prayed that they would come from outside the marriage. I also wanted to find someone who did not think it was okay to divorce if you didn't feel a certain way after, who was committed to the Lord and His word. In another thread, that a counselor said that 80% of divorces that were filed in his exprience were filed by women. Wikipedia says it is 90% for college educated women.

It is good to marry a woman who has a Biblical, and dare I say 'practical' view of marriage. If she buys into the cultural lie that marriage should only last as long as it makes you happy, that's a really bad thing. She needs to realize going in that she won't always be happy all the time. She must be committed to the marriage and to loving her husband, and if she isn't happy, both of you should work on it together to make the marriage more satisfying.

 

[jsimms615]

Don't just throw Proverbs 31 at me, assume that is a given. Give me the honest truth as it pertains to modern women in the US. What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.

someone who is patient with your faults.
someone who treats others with respect and doesn't get mad easy.
someone who has a faith that is meaningful to them.
It doesn't hurt to be "hot" either

 

[sdmsanjose]

Originally Posted by Gabe7
Don't just throw Proverbs 31 at me, assume that is a given. Give me the honest truth as it pertains to modern women in the US. What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.

Areas to TEST TEST TEST, EXAMINE EXAMINE EXAMINE

Family relations in her family especially during childhood and teen years.
Did her family nourish her in emotions, spirit, and mind?

Is she really dedicated to God more than herself or others?

The other posts covered some of the other things like sex, personality, and abilities.

I am sure you already know to diligently seek God’s guidance in this very important decision but I just want to say one more reminder because God can make up for a ton of testing and examinations or use those testings and examinations to communicate with you.

Don’t cop out and not examine and test because God may use those actions to make clear to you His guidance. Sometimes this kind of decision is a God-You team work effort.

PS I have been married for 43 years

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

Areas to TEST TEST TEST, EXAMINE EXAMINE EXAMINE

Family relations in her family especially during childhood and teen years.
Did her family nourish her in emotions, spirit, and mind?

Is she really dedicated to God more than herself or others?

The other posts covered some of the other things like sex, personality, and abilities.

I am sure you already know to diligently seek God’s guidance in this very important decision but I just want to say one more reminder because God can make up for a ton of testing and examinations or use those testings and examinations to communicate with you.

Don’t cop out and not examine and test because God may use those actions to make clear to you His guidance. Sometimes this kind of decision is a God-You team work effort.

PS I have been married for 43 years

Well said, especially about her devotion to God, the other things are very worthy also.