Married men. What should I look for in a wife?

[jpcedotal]

so it might be high school sweetheart, bar girl, work girl...
thumbs up

exactly

 

[omanid]

exactly

 

[hijklmnop]

I apologize too, it was my mistake. Unlike what I normally do, I forgot to read the first page or two. So I didn't realize the response people were putting out there. You are right. The replies do come off as demeaning. I knew men could be pigish sometimes but this thread is very messed up.

Men and women alike who have incredibly crazy "lists" of what they want. Its ok to have some prefrences but it seems to many just want some way out there stuff. Sex life shouldn't matter, weight sholdn't matter, income shouldn't matter. Love looks past all these things. I guess people have forgotten this:

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13
​

By (men) saying a woman should be able to "put out" "x" amount of times or that they should do this or that. It only gives non-believers more fuel for the fire. At the previuous forum I was at athiests would rip apart any christian because they think all christian men want to be controlling with their wives.

I'm not perfect but I would never control my wife, hurt her or anything like that. Marraige is a equal partnership where things should be discussed. Sadly like I said though, even christian men don't seem to understand how it works. I apologize again, I should have read the first few posts!​

 

[LinkH]

I was merely commenting on the previous posts. And sorry if I sounded snippy but this entire thread just feels completely demeaning and offensive toward women. It's like "how to choose the right pet for your family" only the object being weighed and measured here is the entire female population.

Here's a thought (for the OP): how about going on some dates, getting to KNOW some women, and see if you develop feelings for a special one? The heart works in mysterious ways (kinda like God) and you never know just who you might fall in love with. But trying to match a woman up to some impossible checklist? Probably not gonna work out too well. The question then becomes, can you accept her for who she IS? Only you can answer that.

Oh, come on. Women have 'lists' too. Some of them are quite long. It's easy to have a list when there isn't a person to compare against it.

For a lot of us guys, the list goes out the window when we meet the right person, or parts of it at least. For a lot of women, they hang on to that list, mentally, and try to get the man to conform to it.

 

[hijklmnop]

That's a completely random (and untrue IMO) generalization.

 

[lillivanilli]

Oh, come on. Women have 'lists' too. Some of them are quite long. It's easy to have a list when there isn't a person to compare against it.

For a lot of us guys, the list goes out the window when we meet the right person, or parts of it at least. For a lot of women, they hang on to that list, mentally, and try to get the man to conform to it.

I can't speak for most women but I haven't written any "lists" since I was, oh, in about 6th grade.

Jane had it exactly right when she asked how the OP is ensuring he will be a good husband. It's the same question we ALL should be aking ourselves, how are we being a good spouse. Because no single side of a marriage, husband OR wife, is solely responsible for the success of a marriage. To think that picking the perfect "spouse material" is the recipe for success is terribly misguided. And you are all doing the OP a disservice bycontributing to that.

 

[LinkH]

Jane had it exactly right when she asked how the OP is ensuring he will be a good husband. It's the same question we ALL should be aking ourselves, how are we being a good spouse. Because no single side of a marriage, husband OR wife, is solely responsible for the success of a marriage. To think that picking the perfect "spouse material" is the recipe for success is terribly misguided. And you are all doing the OP a disservice bycontributing to that.

I believe God hears our prayers. I did not just have a list, but I had a number of things I had prayed and asked God for. My wife had asked for a number of things, too. There were even some characteristics I didn't like about myself that she had wanted in a husband. I have a big nose and hairy arms. My wife is from Asia, and she had wanted the nose, and hairy arms. There were a lot of more important things we'd prayed about than that, but I thought it was interesting that little things I might have been a little self-conscious about were things she'd wanted.

I certainly don't think it is wrong to have an idea about desirable characteristics in a husband or wife. Btw, are you married?

 

[Conservativation]

I can't speak for most women but I haven't written any "lists" since I was, oh, in about 6th grade.

Jane had it exactly right when she asked how the OP is ensuring he will be a good husband. It's the same question we ALL should be aking ourselves, how are we being a good spouse. Because no single side of a marriage, husband OR wife, is solely responsible for the success of a marriage. To think that picking the perfect "spouse material" is the recipe for success is terribly misguided. And you are all doing the OP a disservice bycontributing to that.

Well, no one mentioned "writing" a list, so we cannot be sure what that fact about 6th grade is telling us.

About lists as he said it, its a set of parameters, preferences one has in mind. For example, Id bet if I ask anyone here would that take a spouse that lies overtly while dating, and cheats with others openly....youd say NOPE.....hence, your "list"

Note the OP didnt ask anything about marriage, how to act or comport in marriage, the question in the OP and its answers are all relevant ONLY to the period BEFORE marriage. So how to be a good husband is quite irrelevant and this thread has been twisted and bent way away from the true question because , again, of some defensiveness or sensitivity.

This question he asked is utterly harmless, not insulting, and something everyone alive who intends to marry should ask themselves. i dare say if you did not consider what warning signs or whatever would be deal stoppers, you then didnt really even think through who you would marry, and I frankly do not believe thats the case, I believe every one married asked what he as asking. The things that are offending people have been made up of whole cloth in the midst of the thread

 

[lillivanilli]

I believe God hears our prayers. I did not just have a list, but I had a number of things I had prayed and asked God for. My wife had asked for a number of things, too. There were even some characteristics I didn't like about myself that she had wanted in a husband. I have a big nose and hairy arms. My wife is from Asia, and she had wanted the nose, and hairy arms. There were a lot of more important things we'd prayed about than that, but I thought it was interesting that little things I might have been a little self-conscious about were things she'd wanted.

I certainly don't think it is wrong to have an idea about desirable characteristics in a husband or wife. Btw, are you married?

No, it's not wrong at all to have an idea in mind. But the OP wasn't giving an idea of what he wants, he was asking what makes good "wife material" to which some of you were more than happy to point out. Saying "marry a girl who does a, b, and c but avoid a girl with x, y, and z" is pretty much like making a list, is it not? When in actuality, you never know WHO will be "the one" unless you get out, meet people, get to know them, and see what develops. To say you should avoid your high school sweetheart, or the girl you work with, is pretty absurd. Just because it didn't work out well for ONE person doesn't mean it can't for anybody else. You people are really not doing the OP any favors by setting up a set of parameters he should look for in a woman.

And yes, btw, I am married - see that little "married" icon next to my avatar?

Note the OP didnt ask anything about marriage, how to act or comport in marriage, the question in the OP and its answers are all relevant ONLY to the period BEFORE marriage. So how to be a good husband is quite irrelevant and this thread has been twisted and bent way away from the true question because , again, of some defensiveness or sensitivity.

Hmmm...."What should I look for in a wife" What part of wife doesn't mean marriage? If he wanted to know what to look for in the period before marriage, he probably would have said "What should I look for in a girlfriend" or even "future wife." But now, he said WIFE.

Like I said, you people putting the onus on the woman to meet a certain set of characteristics to ensure a successful marriage is ridiculous. Unless BOTH people in a marriage are equally committed to making it work, the most perfect woman in the world - on paper - won't be able to make a marriage work if her HUSBAND is not ALSO putting up some effort.

That is ALSO something the OP should be asking himself if he is really serious about getting married.

 

[LinkH]

No, it's not wrong at all to have an idea in mind. But the OP wasn't giving an idea of what he wants, he was asking what makes good "wife material" to which some of you were more than happy to point out. Saying "marry a girl who does a, b, and c but avoid a girl with x, y, and z" is pretty much like making a list, is it not? When in actuality, you never know WHO will be "the one" unless you get out, meet people, get to know them, and see what develops. To say you should avoid your high school sweetheart, or the girl you work with, is pretty absurd. Just because it didn't work out well for ONE person doesn't mean it can't for anybody else. You people are really not doing the OP any favors by setting up a set of parameters he should look for in a woman

"The one"? So do you think finding a spouse is a matter of finding a soul mate out there somewhere, who we know when we meet him/her? Doesn't looking for specific characteristics have a place in looking for a spouse?

When my wife and I had our first conversation, we both went home and started secretly praying about marrying each other. Something clicked when we met. But we had also been praying for each other, praying for specific things, too.

Like I said in one of my posts, it is good to think of good characteristics you are looking for in a wife. When you actually meet someone you might marry, though, that person is a human being and will have flaws. There are some characteristics that are good reason to avoid someone as a potential spouse-- an unbeliever, a quarrelsome woman, someone who is not committed to marriage, etc.

God did tell Hosea to marry a prostitute. Fortunately, He doesn't seem to require that of men often.

Note the OP didnt ask anything about marriage, how to act or comport in marriage, the question in the OP and its answers are all relevant ONLY to the period BEFORE marriage. So how to be a good husband is quite irrelevant and this thread has been twisted and bent way away from the true question because , again, of some defensiveness or sensitivity.

Hmmm...."What should I look for in a wife" What part of wife doesn't mean marriage? If he wanted to know what to look for in the period before marriage, he probably would have said "What should I look for in a girlfriend" or even "future wife." But now, he said WIFE.

Like I said, you people putting the onus on the woman to meet a certain set of characteristics to ensure a successful marriage is ridiculous. Unless BOTH people in a marriage are equally committed to making it work, the most perfect woman in the world - on paper - won't be able to make a marriage work if her HUSBAND is not ALSO putting up some effort.

That is ALSO something the OP should be asking himself if he is really serious about getting married.

I did not write the quoted part you are responding to in this section.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

There's nothing wrong with having a list. The Bible actually encourages being observational and using your brain and even gives you what should be first on your list. Here's what your list should look like:

1. A Christian
2. ....
3. ....
4. ....
5. ....
...
...
...
...
etc.

There's the Biblical list for ya.

 

[lillivanilli]

"The one"? So do you think finding a spouse is a matter of finding a soul mate out there somewhere, who we know when we meet him/her? Doesn't looking for specific characteristics have a place in looking for a spouse?

I think finding a spouse is a matter of finding someone you love and want to be with. Someone can look good on paper but if here's no romantic feelings? If that person's personality drives you nuts? LOL yeah. "The one" simply means, the person you fall in love with as opposed to people you only feel lukewarm about even though they fit your ideal set of characteristics. So you think a person should marry someone they aren't in love with?

That's why I was trying to say to the OP, forget about the checklist, go on some dates and find the woman who makes your heart beat a little faster, the one you can't stop thinking about, the one you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. You never know who that might end up being so drop the idea of what an "ideal" woman is and find the woman that's ideal for YOU.

I dated plenty of guys before I married my DH. While they all were definitely "marriage material" none of them caused my heart to stir like my DH did. He is, for me, "the one." I could have married one of the other guys (was engaged even) but I broke it off because even though he had everything going for him, I wasn't IN love with him the way I knew a wife should be. It would have ended up being a miserable marriage because no matter what, the heart won't always do what the brain tells it to.

And it's a good thing too. I found the closest thing to a soul mate that there can be for me and 18 years later, we're still as happy as the day we got married. He's not perfect. He's not anything more than what he is and I love and accept him for him. I don't expect him to measure up to some set of pre-defined qualifications just as he doesn't expect me to.

 

[LinkH]

I think finding a spouse is a matter of finding someone you love and want to be with. Someone can look good on paper but if here's no romantic feelings? If that person's personality drives you nuts? LOL yeah. "The one" simply means, the person you fall in love with as opposed to people you only feel lukewarm about even though they fit your ideal set of characteristics. So you think a person should marry someone they aren't in love with?

The Bible says for a husband to love his wife, not to marry a woman he is in love with. I did the dating thing (well we called it being 'friends' for a while) and found someone I 'clicked' with, and we very quickly grew to love each other while we were dating.

I spent a large portion of my life in Asia, and some of the people from the various cultures there will get married through some variation of an arranged marriage. A reasonably large percentage of Koreans get set up with someone to marry through matchmakers and relatives, still. I wouldn't say that is wrong or a sin. I have a fellow graduate student here who is thinking of marriage with a son of her father's friend who she plans to meet in the future. Matchmakers are supposed to set someone up with a compatible partner. And some of the parents from traditional cultures take personalities and various other factors into account when setting their children up with spouses.

Arranged marriage is probably closer to what was done in Biblical times, by the people who are the immediate audience of scripture, than what is done in our 'dating' culture today.

That's why I was trying to say to the OP, forget about the checklist, go on some dates and find the woman who makes your heart beat a little faster, the one you can't stop thinking about, the one you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. You never know who that might end up being so drop the idea of what an "ideal" woman is and find the woman that's ideal for YOU.

The heart beat a little faster could be some pretty bad advice. A lot of us guys, and a lot of women too, can get a faster heartbeat in response to physical beauty. There are some really bad potential spouses out there who look really good. Like Proverbs says, beauty is deceptive. That's not to say one should marry someone he finds unattractive. My wife is beautiful, and I certainly didn't hold that against her.

But there is something to be said for finding someone who is a good match, who gets along well with you personality wise.

The things I encouraged people to look for in this thread are mostly character qualifications, good godly characteristics a godly wife should have. I think it is good and healthy for a man to have some criteria for the type of character he'd like to see in a wife. And women should certainly have some criteria for potential husbands if they are dating. We also need to realize that other people are flawed human beings like ourselves.

 

[AmericanSamurai]

Makes the heart beat a little faster? This is deceptive advice. I met many a woman who did that to me, didn't mean that they were women of character or worth committing to.

 

[OGM]

This type of arranged/matchmaker marriages seem to work in many cultures.

 

[seeingeyes]

What's wrong with a list?

Sometimes folks need help with the parameters. For example I'm sure you have met woman who needed to be told, "Don't marry a man that you have seen punch his mother".

That wouldn't be demeaning to men, it would just be good advice.

 

[seeingeyes]

Oh goodness. The OP is from 2011. He's long gone anyway.

 

[J0hnSm1th]

Makes the heart beat a little faster? This is deceptive advice. I met many a woman who did that to me, didn't mean that they were women of character or worth committing to.

Its not either/or. Its both. They need character and your heart should flutter. Finding out if someone is "the one" is simple. Imagine spending the next 50 years with them. Does that make you feel excited and eager to start that journey? Good! If not, you're in trouble.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

Don't just throw Proverbs 31 at me, assume that is a given. Give me the honest truth as it pertains to modern women in the US. What are warning signs that I should not brush under the carpet? What are signs she is a good or bad pick for a wife.

I would say these are a few things to look for: She should have a sincere and growing faith, she should show commitment to her faith in her life, she should be able to show a gentle and meek spirit, she should believe together with you on the Bible's teachings about marriage, she should be at a point in her life when she is ready to marry reasonably soon, and parents being of good character will help too. My wife, although not from a Christian upbringing, definitely learned very good character from her parents. Naturally, she should not have been married before too.