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Featured How can I learn to forgive my wife?

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Neostarwcc, Jan 11, 2019 at 7:51 AM.

  1. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.
     
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  2. BobRyan

    BobRyan Junior Member

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    In Matthew 18 Jesus says the sin you are committing by not forgiving - gets all your forgiveness with Jesus for your own sins "revoked". You knew that right?

    Not forgiving others does nothing at all to their salvation state - it only sends you to hell. It is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. you may be making her miserable for a short time on earth - but you're tossing your own eternal life with Christ, out the wind for that bit of self indulgence. Not the greatest bargain in the world.

    The second issue there is that your me-me-myself focus above indicates that you have a very low esteem for just how much blood and torment Christ (the king of heaven and our Creator) paid to get your sins forgiven.

    There is a commentary on the life of Christ - free online - that might help you in that regard.
    The Desire of Ages, by Ellen G. White. Chapter 1: \"God With Us\"
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019 at 3:14 PM
  3. “Paisios”

    “Paisios” Sinner Supporter

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    I think you need to pray about and discuss with your wife over why it hurt you so much, as it sounds like there is more in the background than we are hearing. It is sometimes easier to forgive when we can figure out why we were hurt, and discuss with the one who hurt us (especially when it is a loved one) why we are so upset. It sometimes seems to me when I feel that way that despite a sincere apology from the person that they just “don’t get it”, so talking it out can help with that and provide some closure for me.
     
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  4. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    I know why I was hurt which makes the forgiving all that much harder. But it IS a silly reason to be hurt. Such a silly reason that I should forgive her and probably within time I will. I mean she is sorry and apologized multiple times so that should be it right? She's sorry so I should automatically forgive her. If only the world worked that way lol. I mean, God works that way so why can't we? XD!
     
  5. brinny

    brinny everlovin' shiner of light in dark places Supporter

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    It sounds like she reacted to something that you either said or did, Neo. It happens. What i've been meditating on these last couple of days, is the very thing you're speaking of here: grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

    My question to you, would be, have you ever sinned against your wife, in thought, word, and/or deed?

    You mentioned that your wife cries every time you bring it up and that she apologizes, profusely.

    Is your wife beyond grace, mercy, and forgiveness? Is she "exempt" from it?

    Are you?

    Are any of us?

    As i was saying, i have been meditating on these very things these past few days, and how forgiveness not only "frees" the one needing it, but it frees "us" as well.

    None of us are perfect, Neo. Not one.

    Pray about this, Neo. I'm praying as well, for you, your wife, and your household.

    Set your wife free Neo, and yourself, in the name of Jesus.
     
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  6. Dave-W

    Dave-W Grandparent of six grandchildren, #7 on the way! Supporter

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  7. “Paisios”

    “Paisios” Sinner Supporter

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    I guess if you recognize it as “a silly reason” then why is it still affecting you so much - in my experience, it is usually because the silly reason is only the tip of an iceberg and there is some other underlying issue that makes it sting more which has to be resolved before I am able to forgive. (But that’s me and may not apply to you - I barely understand myself let alone anyone else.)

    If forgiveness was easy, perhaps it wouldn’t be so valuable. Prayers for you, my friend.
     
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  8. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

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    In my humble opinion, you need to stop bringing it up with your wife. I know that this will be hard, but from what you have written, she has gotten the point and is contrite. You probably cannot improve upon that. It can damage you in her eyes, however, if you persist; and then the offense she committed may begin to seem less important to her than the bullying she perceives that you are engaged in (or something along those lines).

    As for the part about forgiving her, this usually takes some time. Right now the offense is red hot and you cannot get it out of your mind. That's understandable but, if you stop tearing the scab off that wound again and again, it will be easier to forgive as time passes. Give time a chance.
     
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  9. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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    Maybe we could pray together and I could get her to pray more just a thought. I mean I know that I NEED to forgive her and I know that in time I probably will forgive her.


    Anyway, yes I have sinned against my wife before. More times than she's hurt me actually. But she always has forgiven me almost instantly. She is good at forgiving which is one good quality she has. But it is much harder for me personally to forgive. Before I came to Christ I used to hold grudges against people. It took me a while to let go of those grudges.
     
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  10. Neostarwcc

    Neostarwcc Eternal life is a free gift. Amen. Supporter

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  11. A Realist

    A Realist Living in Reality

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    I've been through a similar situation, and through much prayer and heartache, my wife and I got through it.

    The good Lord made me realize that the only way to truly put it past us and get on with our marriage was simple, but very hard to do.

    It's simply this.....do not bring it up any more. Do not talk about it, dwell on it, or hold it against her. But like I said this is hard to do, because you are hurting. It will take quite a while for you to get over that hurt, but it is essential that you deal with it by yourself (with the good Lord giving you the strength). Avoid the temptation to throw it back in her face when you are hurting, just so you can give her back a little bit of the pain she's caused you.

    If you both really want to keep your marriage together, this is what you have to do. It's basically all on you, bud.
     
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  12. seeking.IAM

    seeking.IAM Episcopalian Supporter

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    It sounds like you keep picking the scab off the wound. I think forgiveness will begin to grow when you stop bringing it up. It will create space for other feelings to replace your upsetedness.
     
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  13. Petros2015

    Petros2015 Well-Known Member

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    Remember the worst things you did that have been forgiven by God and her, and then be thankful for that.

    It's really hard to go unforgiven, I don't know if you have ever felt that way, but I wouldn't want to do it to anyone else.
     
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  14. Brian Mcnamee

    Brian Mcnamee Well-Known Member

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    You are the one who needs to ask her for forgiveness and look in the mirror as the man and head of he house you are behaving like a selfish fool and holding this grudge is going to produce a great resentment in her as you keep pushing her face in her failure rather than loving and restoring her. You are being a jerk. You might say you love her, do you? Here is a quick summary of the definition of love .

    4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
    8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

    are you suffering long and being kind? No
    are you behaving rudely? yes
    are you provoked? yes
    are you baring all things, believing all things, hoping all things? no
    are you failing? yes

    you see you are using her offense as a license for your reaction. You must choose to stop. It is not a process but a repentance from holding one heart full of bitterness to one of restoration. The laws of reaping and sowing are in full effect and you need to humbly try to pull up the weed you have sown withe your wife and start planting some flowers. This sort of change can only be by the Holy spirit and if you go to James and look up what is the wisdom of the world and compare it with the wisdom that comes from God you can see your actions do not life with the wisdom from above.

    3 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. 18 Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
     
  15. brinny

    brinny everlovin' shiner of light in dark places Supporter

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    Take this to God, Neo. As you stated about grudges, it seems you may be doing so with your wife. Pray for God to intervene. If you are holding a "grudge" against your wife, you are "sinning", brother. She forgives you "immediately" without holding "grudges", and yet you describe what is akin to a "grudge" against your gracious wife, who stumbled, most likely out of just being a human being, as we are all prone to do. That is why we need God's inexplicable grace, ALL of us.

    This "grudge" is not your "friend". It's the "enemy" of your household, your wife, and you too.

    Kick that ol' "trespasser" to da curb in Jesus name, and secure your household, and your wife and you in the safe haven that God intends it to be, as the spiritual head of your household, and the "minister" to your wife, so to speak.

    We are even admonished to not drive our children to frustration and discouragement, Neo. This surely applies to our wives and our husbands, amen?

    This is a NEW year, dear brother. Let's do a NEW thing, in sync with what God Himself declares here, and cast out those things that don't belong there in our household and in our relationships:

    "Behold, I will do a NEW THING; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert." ~Isa 43:19

    Praying, brother for you and your wife and household too.
     
  16. Dave L

    Dave L Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Jesus says you shall know the truth and it shall make you free. You do not know how to interpret the situation from a biblical viewpoint.
     
  17. Tempura

    Tempura Newbie Supporter

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    Whenever I need to forgive someone, but I don't have real forgiveness in my heart and it just becomes a meaningless ritual that I perform, making my forgiveness absolutely fake and myself bitter, then if I come to my senses, I'll pray about it because at that point I know I'm the weak one and treating my grudge as something important I should hold on to, and thinking the other person absolutely owes me something. If I'm in that situation, I'll pray for the Lord to give me a forgiving heart, to help me let go of my useless grudge, to forgive myself and the other person too, and His will be done.
     
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  18. BobRyan

    BobRyan Junior Member

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    Good point - and since "all the risk" is incurred by the one not forgiving -- all the more reason to forgive.

    But as Matthew 18 shows -- the one who forgives must first have "fully experienced" forgiveness by God regarding their own sins -- if that has not happened then the whole thing is in doubt.
     
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  19. com7fy8

    com7fy8 Well-Known Member

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    "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

    We are not God; but God commands us to forgive, "even as God". With God, we share with Him in how He forgives. So, trust Jesus to get you into this, please.

    God bless you :)

    So, you know what you have been doing is wrong. At least you know this; so we can thank God that you know this. And God cares about you; He wants you to succeed. God is committed to this, and He is the One able to change us to how He wants us to share with Him in loving and forgiving. All of us have failed and beaten ourselves up or others up, about how we have failed. But God is able.

    God has arranged for you to know that what you are doing is wrong, because He does care about you and your wife. So, God does expect you to do better. And, again, it is God who is able to change us so we do better >

    "casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
     
  20. Tempura

    Tempura Newbie Supporter

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    Exactly this, I've been thinking about this as well. Because the more we strive to forgive, the more we suffer some wounds willingly without trying to get some payback, the more our burden is lifted. Because bitterness, feeling of somebody owing something to me, that horrible demand, it's a burden. And when that burden is taken away, I am relieved. I am free again. There's something very similar to giving and forgiving. When we give, we receive, and when we forgive, we are not only letting someone else free of their burden, we're also letting go of ours.
     
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