How can I learn to forgive my wife?

[brinny]

Exactly this, I've been thinking about this as well. Because the more we strive to forgive, the more we suffer some wounds willingly without trying to get some payback, the more our burden is lifted. Because bitterness, feeling of somebody owing something to me, that horrible demand, it's a burden. And when that burden is taken away, I am relieved. I am free again. There's something very similar to giving and forgiving. When we give, we receive, and when we forgive, we are not only letting someone else free of their burden, we're also letting go of ours.

I can sooooooo relate to this. This is PROFOUND. It IS like "giving", isn't it? This helps me, in my quest to "give" even as the "giving" can hurt sometimes, and the person you are "giving" to may not, for sooooo many reasons, be able to, or willing to even acknowledge it or reciprocate, or "ask" for forgiveness.

This is a precious lesson, for me as i journey on, in what can be so difficult and painful at times, and that is what a dear Bible teacher called "walking in mercy and grace".

What a precious thread. I've been blessed by it.

Thank you and God bless you, Tempura.

(I suspect the OP had no idea that this thread would not just be for him, but for me, and many others. How precious is THAT??!!)

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

You can forgive but you do not have to forget. Your primal instincts kick in to protect your feelings. You are right we are not God and we work in the flesh. Only time will heal and while time passes, focus on the good things about your wife eventually it will outweigh the one bad thing.

 

[com7fy8]

It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about.

"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)

So, if you are being so you can give in to cruel ways against your wife . . . this is not a small thing, if it can get power over you to get you like this.

So, it does not need to get a label about how bad or embarrassing it is. If it can get to you, like this, there is a major problem. But the issue is not the problem, but your ability to give in to it is the problem, I would say.

"I will not be brought under the power of any," our Apostle Paul does say in 1 Corinthians 6:12.

I personally think this means we need to not ever allow any thing to have power over us so we can be unforgiving about that thing being hurt or changed from how we want it to be.

So, you are attached to something in an evil way, so if something happens to it or it is threatened, you in turn can be hurt and scared and whatever.

But in God's love we have so much better than what you might fear losing, and all we have in love is safe in the almighty keeping power of love. And we are safe from fear and all its different sorts of emotional torment!!

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)

And our Apostle Peter says >

"And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good?" (1 Peter 3:13)

So, in case little things can get to us, this is major.

But, Neo, I think all of us who have been married and in close sharing with other people have to our great surprise discovered how little issues and changes can get us bent out of shape and even bitter. We might not be so strong and real in love, as we thought.

When we are committed with someone, staying unconditional in love can turn out not to be so easy, after all.

Why? We might have our treasured pleasures and expectations which we want with someone we are sharing with closely. So, if someone close to us seems to be a threat to our selfish treasure, we have no intention of forgiving the one we hope to use for what we selfishly value so much.

For example, I can do nicely with putting things in order so my lady friend can fit things in her refrigerator. I can feel so important to her, because she can act so delighted when I do this.

But then she might not go along with me helping her to get her apartment more in order. And she even can react negatively at how I so heroically am willing to help her. And then is when I can start to have negative and nasty stuff starting in me.

the beginning of bitterness

And it says for husbands not to be bitter against their wives; and surely this goes for other relationships, too. So, I know I am in trouble, and right away I need to trust and depend on God to stop how I am beginning to give in to bitterness. And I need to let go of whatever I might be wanting in a way so I can get bitter about not getting it.

Because this command means > no excuse for any bitterness, at all . . . no matter what she does > no excuse to worship < I am not to worship and glorify any excuse to get bitter.

But be changed by God to love, then discover how He has me being creative and caring with her. And get more this way in loving any and all people. We learn how to love so we love any and all people the way Jesus wants. And in this process we become more like Christ so God is getting all He desires of us, in all this.

We are not here only to get people to please us; we are here first, in order to be changed into the image of Jesus > Romans 8:29. So, we need to seek what matters first with God. So, this is not only about how you can feel less guilty and wrong, but how you can become so pleasing to our Father.

So, greetings to your wife > God bless you Your good example can help him. Have you been feeding on 1 Peter 3:1-4 about how the good example of Christian wives can help any disobedient husband?

 

[Tempura]

I can sooooooo relate to this. This is PROFOUND. It IS like "giving", isn't it? This helps me, in my quest to "give" even as the "giving" can hurt sometimes, and the person you are "giving" to may not, for sooooo many reasons, be able to, or willing to even acknowledge it or reciprocate, or "ask" for forgiveness.

Exactly. It is profound. There was a time when absolute bitterness ruled my life. Many times actually, but one that I remember, was related to my girlfriend back in the day. Something horrible had been done to her in the past. I wasn't even wronged, she was. And it was horrible. And I knew the people responsible. I wanted revenge. It was like I was on some holy mission for justice. Because I saw the damage in her. I had many other issues, I was a mess myself, but this quest for revenge consumed me. I stayed up many nights, in drunken stupor, fantasizing about actually "delivering justice" to these people. I fantasized about killing them. Sometimes even torture. I didn't actually start to make plans, but I wasn't far off. And the twisted comfort I got from that just made it worse.

Some time later, I started treating every situation where justice wasn't met, where someone "was getting away with something" or where I or someone I loved was hurt, about something where I should just take matters into my hands in acts of violence. And when I didn't do anything to harm someone, I treated myself as a coward and my situations got even worse. Because at its worst, when you can't or don't even want to forgive someone, it consumes you and rules over you like a tyrant. It demands, takes, demands again, it doesn't stop. It's not satisfied until something terrible happens, and even after that it wants more. It demands for you to hurt others, for you to be God and judge, and it beats you up if you can't do it. So I had no escape, because in some ways, I worshiped that bitterness and hate. My girlfriend was slowly getting over her wounds, but I just had to hold on to my grudge, as if it was some strength helping me with my own weakness.

I'm not quite sure what happened then. I didn't do any of the horrible things I fantasized about. She broke up with me, for other reasons, and I felt like my world was taken under my feet. I guess I had to break down. And I did. That crooked castle that was my soul needed to be torn down in ruins, for something else to replace it. That's where I started to search for God seriously (even if I stopped some years later only to be taken back) because I thought I was going to have to kill myself out of all the pain I had and I didn't know how I could live with any of it. But I was delivered. I don't even know how. Treatments started working too, when they didn't before. Many trips to hospitals. At some point, I just wanted to let go of all this crap that was tormenting me, including my need for "justice" that allowed no mercy for anyone I deemed not worthy of it, and it wasn't merciful for myself either. I think I just prayed god to take it all away from me, because I couldn't carry it any more, it was killing me along with the rest of my issues and weaknesses.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to write my life story. Many have gone through a lot worse, and this is nothing, but in my own perspective I've had to learn things the hard way, including forgiveness and how heavy of a burden my grudge can be if I don't want to let it go. It can become a monster. And in hindsight, God was never far away. I just didn't want to see Him. I treated God as something that I'll only hold on to when there's nothing left, as if God was nothing but trash, if even that. And that's pretty much what happened, because at some point I had nothing else. Now, I'm glad about that. I'm glad that I had to go into a place where I saw no other way. What I thought was lower than trash was higher than everything. And even though I stumble, I'm stupid, disobedient, He teaches me and works in me. I believe that.

Alright I'll stop typing these books. God bless you and everyone else in here.

 

[sea5763]

Exactly. It is profound. There was a time when absolute bitterness ruled my life. Many times actually, but one that I remember, was related to my girlfriend back in the day. Something horrible had been done to her in the past. I wasn't even wronged, she was. And it was horrible. And I knew the people responsible. I wanted revenge. It was like I was on some holy mission for justice. Because I saw the damage in her. I had many other issues, I was a mess myself, but this quest for revenge consumed me. I stayed up many nights, in drunken stupor, fantasizing about actually "delivering justice" to these people. I fantasized about killing them. Sometimes even torture. I didn't actually start to make plans, but I wasn't far off. And the twisted comfort I got from that just made it worse.

Some time later, I started treating every situation where justice wasn't met, where someone "was getting away with something" or where I or someone I loved was hurt, about something where I should just take matters into my hands in acts of violence. And when I didn't do anything to harm someone, I treated myself as a coward and my situations got even worse. Because at its worst, when you can't or don't even want to forgive someone, it consumes you and rules over you like a tyrant. It demands, takes, demands again, it doesn't stop. It's not satisfied until something terrible happens, and even after that it wants more. It demands for you to hurt others, for you to be God and judge, and it beats you up if you can't do it. So I had no escape, because in some ways, I worshiped that bitterness and hate. My girlfriend was slowly getting over her wounds, but I just had to hold on to my grudge, as if it was some strength helping me with my own weakness.

I'm not quite sure what happened then. I didn't do any of the horrible things I fantasized about. She broke up with me, for other reasons, and I felt like my world was taken under my feet. I guess I had to break down. And I did. That crooked castle that was my soul needed to be torn down in ruins, for something else to replace it. That's where I started to search for God seriously (even if I stopped some years later only to be taken back) because I thought I was going to have to kill myself out of all the pain I had and I didn't know how I could live with any of it. But I was delivered. I don't even know how. Treatments started working too, when they didn't before. Many trips to hospitals. At some point, I just wanted to let go of all this crap that was tormenting me, including my need for "justice" that allowed no mercy for anyone I deemed not worthy of it, and it wasn't merciful for myself either. I think I just prayed god to take it all away from me, because I couldn't carry it any more, it was killing me along with the rest of my issues and weaknesses.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to write my life story. Many have gone through a lot worse, and this is nothing, but in my own perspective I've had to learn things the hard way, including forgiveness and how heavy of a burden my grudge can be if I don't want to let it go. It can become a monster. And in hindsight, God was never far away. I just didn't want to see Him. I treated God as something that I'll only hold on to when there's nothing left, as if God was nothing but trash, if even that. And that's pretty much what happened, because at some point I had nothing else. Now, I'm glad about that. I'm glad that I had to go into a place where I saw no other way. What I thought was lower than trash was higher than everything. And even though I stumble, I'm stupid, disobedient, He teaches me and works in me. I believe that.

Alright I'll stop typing these books. God bless you and everyone else in here.

Hey tempura I’m sorry you struggled with this but I’m glad God gave you peace in the end. I’m also sorry that under a different username that I stopped using a long time ago I disregarded your story as not really being that bad. I was being an idiot which is sometimes easier to be in anonymous online forum than in real life not that I haven’t said stupid things in real life too. It was a long time ago but it was just something I remembered as a regret so I just wanted to say sorry.

 

[brinny]

Exactly. It is profound. There was a time when absolute bitterness ruled my life. Many times actually, but one that I remember, was related to my girlfriend back in the day. Something horrible had been done to her in the past. I wasn't even wronged, she was. And it was horrible. And I knew the people responsible. I wanted revenge. It was like I was on some holy mission for justice. Because I saw the damage in her. I had many other issues, I was a mess myself, but this quest for revenge consumed me. I stayed up many nights, in drunken stupor, fantasizing about actually "delivering justice" to these people. I fantasized about killing them. Sometimes even torture. I didn't actually start to make plans, but I wasn't far off. And the twisted comfort I got from that just made it worse.

Some time later, I started treating every situation where justice wasn't met, where someone "was getting away with something" or where I or someone I loved was hurt, about something where I should just take matters into my hands in acts of violence. And when I didn't do anything to harm someone, I treated myself as a coward and my situations got even worse. Because at its worst, when you can't or don't even want to forgive someone, it consumes you and rules over you like a tyrant. It demands, takes, demands again, it doesn't stop. It's not satisfied until something terrible happens, and even after that it wants more. It demands for you to hurt others, for you to be God and judge, and it beats you up if you can't do it. So I had no escape, because in some ways, I worshiped that bitterness and hate. My girlfriend was slowly getting over her wounds, but I just had to hold on to my grudge, as if it was some strength helping me with my own weakness.

I'm not quite sure what happened then. I didn't do any of the horrible things I fantasized about. She broke up with me, for other reasons, and I felt like my world was taken under my feet. I guess I had to break down. And I did. That crooked castle that was my soul needed to be torn down in ruins, for something else to replace it. That's where I started to search for God seriously (even if I stopped some years later only to be taken back) because I thought I was going to have to kill myself out of all the pain I had and I didn't know how I could live with any of it. But I was delivered. I don't even know how. Treatments started working too, when they didn't before. Many trips to hospitals. At some point, I just wanted to let go of all this crap that was tormenting me, including my need for "justice" that allowed no mercy for anyone I deemed not worthy of it, and it wasn't merciful for myself either. I think I just prayed god to take it all away from me, because I couldn't carry it any more, it was killing me along with the rest of my issues and weaknesses.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to write my life story. Many have gone through a lot worse, and this is nothing, but in my own perspective I've had to learn things the hard way, including forgiveness and how heavy of a burden my grudge can be if I don't want to let it go. It can become a monster. And in hindsight, God was never far away. I just didn't want to see Him. I treated God as something that I'll only hold on to when there's nothing left, as if God was nothing but trash, if even that. And that's pretty much what happened, because at some point I had nothing else. Now, I'm glad about that. I'm glad that I had to go into a place where I saw no other way. What I thought was lower than trash was higher than everything. And even though I stumble, I'm stupid, disobedient, He teaches me and works in me. I believe that.

Alright I'll stop typing these books. God bless you and everyone else in here.

At some point, I just wanted to let go of all this crap that was tormenting me, including my need for "justice" that allowed no mercy for anyone I deemed not worthy of it, and it wasn't merciful for myself either.

my need for "justice" that allowed no mercy for anyone I deemed not worthy of it, and it wasn't merciful for myself either

This. In having no mercy for other who i deemed just WRONG, i was inadvertently depriving myself of that very thing: "mercy".

It wasn't until God literally stepped in and granted me the grace to those who hurt me so devastatingly, and that includes my mother.

It was THEN, that i was able to not only forgive others, but also forgive myself.

Thank you for sharing, Tempura. This day has blessed me enormously, and brought me deeper into my own quest on delving into grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

God bless you.

 

[Tempura]

Hey tempura I’m sorry you struggled with this but I’m glad God gave you peace in the end. I’m also sorry that under a different username that I stopped using a long time ago I disregarded your story as not really being that bad. I was being an idiot which is sometimes easier to be in anonymous online forum than in real life not that I haven’t said stupid things in real life too. It was a long time ago but it was just something I remembered as a regret so I just wanted to say sorry.

Everything's fine, no worries brother (or sister, can't tell). I'm sure I've told the same story many times over the years, and I guess it's something I have to do until I learn everything about it, and it can come across as weird, as if I'm repeating stuff in an effort to impress someone or something else crooked or selfish. And it's not that bad, it really isn't, because people have real tragedies, and if I had one, it was because of my own blindness and stupidity.

But all is well, peace. Thank you and God bless you. I don't know where I've seen your current username, but I've seen it lately, most likely in some place where you were giving someone comfort and guidance. So thank you for that too.

 

[Danielwright2311]

Yes, but after your separated and divorced, this small issue will not even be thought of, your hearts will be broken and thats all you will think about.

Forget it and move on, let it go.

Whats more important, Love or hurt felling's?

But most people dont think about this till its to late.

 

[sea5763]

Hey Neostar i struggle with forgiving my mother for the past decade or more. She said sorry once under pressure but has either completely forgotten or rewritten the past and doesn’t acknowledge the past. She has slowly gotten better over time though and I think that it helped that I apologized for what I had done in return even though I felt she had always provoked me and just not bring up the past wrongs.

Love doesn’t keep a record of past wrongs 1 Corinthians 13:5. It’s something I struggle with and sometimes time helps with this to just let go of some things. I fail often and talk to my psychologist and brother about my mom but I try not to tell other people so as not to hurt her other relationships through gossip. She is much nicer now and I think if I was trying to get revenge or holding all her past wrongs against her things would get ugly again. It keeps the peace. Sometimes I pray out of anger to God to just tell Him how angry I am at my mother and how I’m jealous that He gives her whatever she wants but I also pray to be given the ability to forgive her and be forgiven. I’m actually pretty nice to her for the most part. I’ll keep praying to God to tell Him how I feel and to be more forgiving

 

[sea5763]

Everything's fine, no worries brother (or sister, can't tell). I'm sure I've told the same story many times over the years, and I guess it's something I have to do until I learn everything about it, and it can come across as weird, as if I'm repeating stuff in an effort to impress someone or something else crooked or selfish. And it's not that bad, it really isn't, because people have real tragedies, and if I had one, it was because of my own blindness and stupidity.

But all is well, peace. Thank you and God bless you. I don't know where I've seen your current username, but I've seen it lately, most likely in some place where you were giving someone comfort and guidance. So thank you for that too.

Don’t feel bad I repeat stories all the time too. Sometimes it’s relevant and sometimes talking about it is therapeutic

 

[GirdYourLoins]

I used to comment on here a lot but following an incident I didnt like I stopped. For this I will comment again.

Forgiveness starts with a choice. It is your choice to forgive your wife. That means you are choosing not to treat her differently because of what happened. You are choosing not to keep bringing up what happened. Even if you find it hard to do thats how I forgive people for things find difficult. I find that I have to work through to get to full forgiveness sometimes, but it always starts with choosing to treat people as if they have done nothing wrong. Thats how I was able to forgive my dad for a childhood of violence and constant verbal abuse.

 

[Wavecure]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

Hi Neostarwcc.

I'm currently going through a critical marriage issue (not separated or divorce) but it's a serious one that leads to this. You are right, even us, men tend to hurt our female wives more than they do to us. I know I did emotionally to my wife. And ever since I've learn what could be our marriage demise, a little before learning, ((( For God's Glory ))) I had already been in prayer sessions, now, fasting (fighting for my marriage).
If there's anything that I can recognize of why I am such a jack-@$$ to my wife, other than fact that I have anger and depression issues, my wife fails to validate situations that i bring forth for us. We don't know your reason of this cause - and we don't need to know. There is so much good advice being provided in this thread. Examine if you need to and work your way to (a) move away from selfish action, ...How (b) by continuing in prayer session in God's Mighty Throne (c) and see yourself in God's redemption and forgiveness and bring that understanding to yourself to Love your wife, (d) Understand that the elements taught in Scripture of 1 Cor. 13:4-8 is not only to be adopted/practiced by "feelings" of love, but, by acknowledgment of such commandment that Jesus left for us, His Church, John 13:34-35.
A commandment is a divine rule, law, which, in turn, Jesus said it accomplishes all Ten Commandments, right?
This part of love is so missed understood.
Can you imagine YAHWEH divorcing His bride Israel ...how Israel so many times left God for trashy demons...? Yet, YAHWEH never divorced or set apart entirely from Israel, but, Blessed Israel.
So, how is it that we humans give room for Divorce and Separation all because of self-absorption of feelings and hurt? Yet, The Trinity has left us His recorded Scripture for us to follow, not in our terms or feelings, but, in His Will. If "feelings" are to be considered in loving someone, than, Jesus would have called the Legions of Angels to release Him from the sacrificial condition, at the cross, and, the whole world would have ended then because The Trinity God would have ended all life. But, because of Jesus' love and redemption at the cross, we all humans have been made sons of God and a way to The Father & The Holy Spirit

You and I will only learn to forgive in God's presence, in prayer, and you and I proclaiming forgiveness being true. Meaning, let it go, Brother. Believe in your heart that you have forgiven your wife and move forward. There are so many other reasons that merit more attention, too. Every offense carries a level of degree. If this is not a high level offense, it's God's grace more in your marriage. Even if it was a higher one, God is still in Control

I'm still learning this and am believing our God and Savior that He is working behind the scenes.

God's love and encouragement be with you, Brother, and your Family (marriage), and His Peace.

Wavecure_

 

[unfinishedclay]

Hi Neo. So sorry about what's been happening.

Consider reading Matthew 18:21-35 from a very introspective and prayerful viewpoint. If you're able to closely examine your heart when reading it, you will realize that

1) you can and should set your wife free from the consequence of her offense because, if you're a repentant believer abiding in Christ, you've been set free from the consequence of yours - this leading to my second point that I've experienced firsthand too often as a betrayed spouse with an ongoing battle to overcome in order to forgive my husband with every triggered thought or aftermath result of his sin against our family;

2) how tolerant would you be of somebody throwing your offenses in your face all the time (knowing God has forgiven you)? Would you tolerate such treatment? If you don't tolerate such continued focus on what you've done in the past, can you admit to hypocrisy until you're able to give the same grace that you expect to be given to you by others? For example, how would you respond at work if you have a co-worker or supervisor hounding you constantly about a past error in judgment you've made on the job? (A fallout with a another co-worker or with a vender or with a customer)

More and more I'm learning forgiveness as being a form of self-awareness that enables me to extend grace toward others, including to a wayward husband. It doesn't mean I don't confront him or anybody about risky behavioral patterns that resemble a previous offense - for the purpose of prevention, not for the purpose of again imposing guilt. I'm learning this still.

I understand your struggle and encourage you to still obey God even when it's uncomfortable. If you surrender your opinion to God and surrender the self-protective guard against your wife, God will give you so much revelation of yourself that you will feel compelled to finally give your wife a break. At the same time you won't feel condemned but definitely will be so self-aware that relieving her of that stressful consequence will actually make sense to you. But "self" would have to be buried under Christ in order to do so.

 

[Rawtheran]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

It seems to me that here are some communication issues going on in the relationship and I don't think unforgiveness is the real problem. Best advice I can give is to give this problem to Jesus and nail it to the cross. Next talk to your wife, have a nice romantic dinner, remember why you both fell in love, and talk about and consider each others feelings. You both are a team. There is no I or Me its only about us and we.

 

[Ing Bee]

It sounds like you recognize what you need to do, at least at a purely "ought to" level. From my own experience and in counseling others, when we know what we ought to do (biblically) but can't or won't put it into practice it's usually because there's a breakdown in our relationship to the gospel.

Your wife is not responsible for your feelings, so there's nothing she can do to change how you feel. No matter how many times she apologizes, or how many times you remind her, you will never be happy because the issue is not with her.

Good news though, In the Bible there is a clear pattern for life transformation:

1. be transformed in your mind (your understanding of reality) which... (Romans 12:2)
2. will shape your will (you will desire what God wants)
3. your emotional life will reflect the peace of God and the fruit of having His life in your (Galatians 5:22-23)

You have recognized that your attitude is wrong and at odds with God's character. That's a good beginning. Look at the pattern in Ephesians 4:20-24 (I've underlined phrases that focus on a the new way of life/mindset that Paul assumes the believer has learned to constantly operate within.)

That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
​

Notice Paul's 3 steps:

1. take off (corrupt desires),
2. renew your mind (
3. put on the new self (behave in the way Jesus modeled–righteous and holy– that is now possible because God's Spirit is in every believer, empowering us to live like Jesus(Ephesians 1:13-14).

I have found it helpful to first "walk backward" through human personality:

1. EMOTIONS: How does this situation make me feel?
2. WILL: What desire of mine is being thwarted by this situation ? Is that desire coming from "true righteousness and holiness" or is it a "corrupt, deceitful desire"?
   • Note: a deceitful desire promises something that it doesn't and can't fulfill. It leads to relational and personal suffering and death, never of God.
3. MIND: What thoughts/ideas/beliefs are feeding into that desire? What truth from God's word can I meditate/chew on, memorize, and pray through in order to "renew my mind" so that I cooperate with the Spirit's transformational work in my life to conform me to the likeness of the Beloved Son.

I'll give you a personal example: Sometimes I want "me" time; I'll be watching something on YouTube or reading something and I will hear my children arguing or getting injured due to wrestling in the background. If I have to get up and intervene, I have often had an attitude of resentment toward them because they are keeping me from doing what I want to do. I don't have want I desire (uninterrupted "me" time) so I have negative emotions (resentment). This influences how I treat them: ungracious, problem-focused not person-focused, not kind, not gentle... the opposite of God's life, his "fruit".

I recognize that my desire for "me" time promises something it can't deliver: "keep doing what you want because this video/article/etc. will make your life better." That's a lie, it's deceitful and ends up (if I don't turn in humility to the gospel-power available to me) in a worse life, broken relationships, lingering bitterness, a lack of gratitude to my Father for the wonderful gift of children, and on and on and on...

What am I thinking that makes this corrupt desire of self-centeredness okay? I believe the lie that my standards and view of the world, my misvaluation of "me time" over my image-bearing children, is correct. So I go back to God's word. What does God say about the importance of loving others sacrificially? What did Jesus model in this regard?

I turned to Philippians 2:1-11 and committed to memorizing it. We are to have an attitude of humility, considering others better than ourselves– the very attitude of Jesus who emptied himself and became a servant, even dying for his enemies! Now, whenever the "old self" tries to climb back on, I recite this passage, thank the Spirit for drawing the deception to my attention and my emotions instantly change because I haven't been suckered by the demonic lie that seeks to destroy me and my family through self-centered bitterness.

I hope that's helpful.

 

[Bonzobob]

In Matthew 18 Jesus says the sin you are committing by not forgiving - gets all your forgiveness with Jesus for your own sins "revoked". You knew that right?

Not forgiving others does nothing at all to their salvation state - it only sends you to hell. It is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. you may be making her miserable for a short time on earth - but your tossing your own eternal life with Christ out the wind for that bit of self indulgence. Not the greatest bargain in the world.

The second issue there is that your me-me-myself focus above indicates that you have a very low esteem for just how much blood and torment Christ (the king of heaven and our Creator) paid to get your sins forgiven.

There is a commentary on the life of Christ - free online - that might help you in that regard.
The Desire of Ages, by Ellen G. White. Chapter 1: \"God With Us\"

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

I question whether you have really accepted the forgiveness God gave you when became a Christian. If you accept that forgiveness you can do no oter than to forgive your wife, or anyone else.

 

[paul becke]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

There must have been occasions during your life when you deserved to be hurt as much as you feel hurt now. Compare your hurt to hers. You are the miscreant - as you more or less admit - since she expresses deep remorse and you struggle. It seems to be an ego problem.

Many saints have felt gratitude towards people who have hurt them for that reason. What went round... came round, and they got a good kick in the pants.

Say this prayer (... and remember Luther believed in Mary's extraordinary status, as if he'd still been a Catholic.

'Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it know that anyone who fled to your protection or sought your intercession, was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, to you I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O mother of the Word Incarnate despise not my petition but hear and answer me.' Amen.

 

[Bonzobob]

In Matthew 18 Jesus says the sin you are committing by not forgiving - gets all your forgiveness with Jesus for your own sins "revoked". You knew that right?

Not forgiving others does nothing at all to their salvation state - it only sends you to hell. It is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. you may be making her miserable for a short time on earth - but your tossing your own eternal life with Christ out the wind for that bit of self indulgence. Not the greatest bargain in the world.

The second issue there is that your me-me-myself focus above indicates that you have a very low esteem for just how much blood and torment Christ (the king of heaven and our Creator) paid to get your sins forgiven.

There is a commentary on the life of Christ - free online - that might help you in that regard.
The Desire of Ages, by Ellen G. White. Chapter 1: \"God With Us\"

If you make true confession, and ask Jesus into your life, your sins are forgiven and you are saved, nothing can take that away from you. Matthew 18 relates to non Christians.

 

[derpytia]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

Christ died for you and forgave you for your offenses, even the ones you aren't that sorry about. If God forgave you, should you also not try to forgive your wife? I'm not married but I am a child of a broken home. Holding something against your partner for a long time puts a huge rift in the marriage and if it continues, the rift gets wider and wider until the marriage is almost un-salvageable.

Forgivness isn't necessarily forgetting what she said. But it is deciding to not hold the offense against the offender for all eternity. What she said/did will still hurt but you can decide to not hold it against her anymore.

May I suggest talking about it (not fighting) in a calm manner with your wife so that both of you can say what you want to say without going at each other and perhaps you'll both gain some perspective. If that can't be accomplished then I strongly suggest some Christian marriage counseling to save your marriage before the rift between you two gets any bigger.

 

[NW82]

Okay so a few days ago my wife really hurt me emotionally. Is rather not say what it was because I'm afraid that people will call me out and judge me as stupid. It is a semi stupid thing to be mad and hurt about. I mean its not like she cheated on me or anything like that. That would be a real reason to be mad and hurt. But basically I cannot stop bringing it up and she is crying every time and says how sorry she is and how much of a b word she was being. And yeah I agree with her she was being a you know what. But since she is so sorry and since Christ told us to forgive others I really WANT to forgive her. But... I can't. I am just so hurt inside and I cannot stop thinking about it. I've tried praying to God multiple times about it and its like he's just saying "yeah, you need to forgive her". And that's something I already know! But... I don't know how to do that I am just so hurt inside. I have told my wife that I'm sorry and I forgive her and then like an hour later it comes up and we start fighting again. How do you forgive others who have wronged you? I mean it IS a small thing when you think about it but I just can't forgive and forget. I'm not God.

I'm sorry to be blunt about it, but you're being selfish. Think about it, why can't you forgive her? Is it her, or you that stands in the way? It's important to know that we aren't called to forget, but to forgive. We're human and cannot literally forget, but we can choose not to remember, meaning making an effort to put it out of our mind. My ex-wife cheated on me and left. I've forgiven her, but not forgotten. I don't dwell on that piece, however I do occasionally want to know why. If I can forgive being cheated on and thrown away like trash then I'm sure you can forgive her. Men are called to lead and be the head of the house, that means leading by example. God cannot do this for you, you must make this decision on your own.