I want to feel the love again. Or feel anything at all. I really hope God still has a plan coming for me.
Hi-
Been very touched by what you have gone through......
A few ideas come to mind:
Since you are drawn to Catholicism, have you looked into the Catholic understanding of the unpardonable sin? It is quite different from Protestant views on it. I did a little research and here is the eseence of what the Catholic Church says of the Unpartdonable Sin:
"CCC 1864 "Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven." There are no limits to the mercy of God, but anyone who deliberately refuses to accept his mercy by repenting, rejects the forgiveness of his sins and the salvation offered by the Holy Spirit. Such hardness of heart can lead to final impenitence and eternal loss."
I also wonder if you have tried the Jesus prayer? I hear you say over and over that you feel nothing and that thoughts crowd your mind all day..... it is quite simple to do- You just pray this simple prayer
"Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me" over and over. I would be curious what would happen if you were to sit for 20 minutes and repeat it..... when I am completely lost it is a prayer I turn to....
Lastly, I am wondering if you had what is called a nondual awakening. It is not really talked about amongst modern day Christians, and when I had one I had to look outside of mainstream Christianity for answers..... the essence of it is that there is a part of us that is always at peace, always neutral, a neutral witness. You've made many statements that lead me to wonder if you've had one of them.
There are some refferences in the Bible to this state, a good article can be read here: Nonduality in the Bible ... and us
Hope some of that helps, let me know
Warmly,
Truth
I am still amazed by the fact that there's nobody who's told me that they recognize what I've experienced and how to overcome it. Life is still unbearable for me; I try to live a normal life but my mind is blocking all good things.
Will I find God again when I become a monk and live a good and holy life? Does God even care anymore or is it all over for me? 15 months of pure horsedump has me doubting our 'merciful' God.
I haven't read all 11 pages of this thread completely, but I've already seen some very good points made. From what I've seen you write, I'm getting that:
Is that correct? I don't want to misrepresent your feelings.
- You think God has deserted you
- That God doesn't care about you anymore
- That you committed the unpardonable sin and cannot be redeemed
- That you hate the thoughts in your head and the way you feel
- You feel disconnected from God
- You are considering suicide
- After your depression was "cured" temporarily, you felt suddenly more energized and compassionate, but the depression came back and you now no longer feel empathy, love, or positive emotions
- You are self-deprecating and the thoughts in your mind scare you
- You believe God told you that you were destined to be Pope, and you failed
I think I can understand the way you feel from how you have described yourself. Please try to listen to me for just a little, because I have gone through a very dark period of my life where I experienced some of the same things. Now that I am out of it, I can very clearly see the truth.
I understand that you've been to a mental hospital and to many psychiatrists. Are you saying that psychiatrists are not diagnosing you with depression any longer? I don't mean offense, but I work in healthcare and find it difficult to believe that with the things you are saying, they wouldn't consider you depressed.
Are you able to at least consider the fact that perhaps these feelings could be caused by mental problems, which are in turn caused by physical illness such as chemical imbalances in the brain? Would you at least consider that perhaps these things are caused by Satan? What exactly have your doctors told you, and when/why did you stop seeing them? I have struggled with mental illness myself.
There have been people who already commented with Bible verses refuting #1, 2, 3, and 9. I agree with them that God will NEVER abandon you, no matter what your head (which you yourself admit has problems) is telling you. He would never stop loving or caring about you, and His forgiveness is absolute. Do you think God is not great enough to forgive any sin you commit, no matter how grave? I also agree that God was not the one who told you that you were destined to be Pope. I believe that you absolutely believe that, but it simply does not match up with the Bible and thus suggests it could have come from other sources - such as Satan, or even a byproduct of mental illness.
I could say more, but I'd like to hear your thoughts first.
I think so too. I don't think anyone ever gets fixed except by miracles. I'm asking for prayers to be said for your healing and salvation.I can't get over this on myself, a miracle needs to happen in order to fix me.
I think a miracle will happen when I become a monk for a couple of months. A lot of prayer and no distraction from God will fix me for sure.I think so too. I don't think anyone ever gets fixed except by miracles. I'm asking for prayers to be said for your healing and salvation.
2 Corinthians 6:4-10 NIVHello all,
My name is Sinan Shamun, 21 years old and I come from the Netherlands.
In December 2015 I was very depressed and was looking for a cause to live for. I never understood who I was and what the hell I was doing here in the first place. Then suddenly, in February 2016 I felt amazing, I was full of love,joy, creativity and basically all positive things imaginable. I was killing it at my job and it felt as if I was in heaven every moment of the day. Then in March, during the communion of my little sister I found my faith in God, it was a great happening and I finally understood life after being an atheist for 20 years. I learned that it was the Holy Spirit which was dwelling in me at the time. I was constantly communicating with Jesus as if he were my best friend, and I loved it. As time passed I became very introspective and got to know my relation to God even better.
Then the great day came, God told me that I was the complete package to become a Roman Catholic Pope, me out of all people, after all those years. (I assume this happened to the current Pope when he was my age and suddenly switched from a Chemistry major to pursuing his path to become the Pope). I then learned that I had to spread my wings and fly away, become a total new person, find new Christian friends and live a holy life. At first I was totally flabbergasted by all of this. I decided to sign up for my Theology major in Utrecht at a Catholic school and was so grateful for being given a cause in life.
Then,unfortunately, all things went downhill. I realized that becoming a Catholic Pastor meant not being able to have sex and a wife and all other worldy pleasures, so I started avoiding God. Avoiding reading the Bible I bought and continuing a sinful life (smoking, using drugs, etc) after all that God had done for me. I became less and less full of positive energy and my connection with God was decaying and decaying. I showed up at the meeting day prior to starting my Theology major when I was totally unprepared, I had not become the person God wanted me to become and I just sat there with the other students looking like a complete fool, not knowing what to say. I left the meeting day by just running away from the other students and I went home.
Eventually, my thinking reached a point where I had sudden realization which totally destroyed God for me. I convinced myself that God is an all between the ears thing and that I don't own it anymore. It was gone, totally evaporated. I even remember cussing at the Holy Spirit for leaving me after I had failed God in a shameful way and I am actually 100% sure that I have committed the unforgivable sin, since I am not genuinely worried about committing it anymore. My heart wants to know nothing about God but my mind knows God is everything I need, but I have screwed up. I can't blame God for all that has happened, I was even warned prior to me finding out I was elected to become a Pope. God told me to 'choose wisely' and he warned me of a curse. It was all or nothing for me and it sure as hell turned out to be nothing and my destination will be hell for sure.
I had such a beautiful life ahead but all my stupid 20 year old self could think of was sex at the moment, instead of being able to help many souls including those of my friends, who weren't Christians either. My mind has become corrupt and worthless because I lost God and my introspectivity has reached so far that I have basically committed spiritual dialysis. I'm stuck with a mind that thinks about useless goalless garbage all day long. I spent months in a mental ward, taking medicine because the psychiatrists believed I was deluded and got myself into a psychosis. After all those months of medicine and super long tedious days it turned out that they were wrong and that my spiritual experience was from God. I have nothing now, all joy, love, personality and everything positive have evaporated into absolute nothingnes. 7 months of hell have passed and no progress was made. Many prayers have been prayed but all of them were in vain. I was helped by spiritual healers and therapists but nothing worked.
I have no idea what to do and am really feeling the urge to throw the towel in the ring because this life is terrible. A clinical depression is an ecstacy trip compared to what I'm going through and I'd cut off my limbs were it that I'd get my mental and emotional state back to 'normal' again. I am seriously considering to end it all and just accept my fate, which is probably hell. I'd take physical pain of flames over this mental numbness any day.
Has anyone heard of a story similar to mine and/or does anyone have any tips for me? Can anyone confirm that I should just accept my fate since there is nothing I can do about all of this? I read my bible while in the mental ward but it got me nowhere. No revelations or real understanding.
Thank you.
2 Peter 3:9What does it mean to have a reprobate mind?
"Can a Christian have a reprobate mind? Someone who has sincerely accepted Jesus Christ by faith will not have this mindset because the old person with a reprobate mind has been recreated into a new creation: “The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Christians are basically “new” people. We live differently and speak differently. Our world is centered on our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and how we can serve Him. Also, if we are truly in the faith, we will have the Holy Spirit to help us live a God-honoring life (John 14:26). Those with reprobate minds do not have the Spirit and live only for themselves."
I became a new person too and I lived a God-honoring life for a while until I figured out about me being elected to become a Pope. Then everything in my mind started clashing and I stopped living a God-honoring life, because I didn't want to become a Pope because I didn't want to abstain from having sex.
Why does it seem impossible for me to live a God-honoring life without becoming a great spiritual leader. Why doesn't God allow me to become a 'normal' good person. I am quite convinced that I actually have a reprobate mind and that there's no fix for it, a.k.a. I'm doomed only because I rejected God's gifts.
I hope you read this. I am going through the same exact thing. But my reason was 7 years of unrepented sin (inappropriate contentography) let me assure you that you DID NOT commit the unpardonable sin. You need to FLEE from That Catholic cult and find the real JESUS. You were only experiencing the very beginnings of a relationship with God and you got deceived into thinking he was making you become a pope? No, read Mark when Jesus calls the Pharisees out on the unpardonable sin. They looked at him with hate and publicly mocked him and credited him to Satan himself. Do not be deceived my mother is going through the same thing. No feelings. No sadness no emotions just dull and empty. The bible even said judas felt remorse for what he did, are you worse than judas? Did you see jesus in the flesh and work with him for years then crucify him for a little money? No your not, and if judas was able to still feel emotions then something else is wrong with you not some unpardonable sin. You think God is going to sentence you for eternity because you doubted him for a couple of months and stormed off like a child smoking cigarettes and doing drugs? That's NOT how he works. Look up testimoneys of backslidders and see how much farther others have fallen and were redeemed. Also I think allot of Catholic churches are not churches of Jesus, most of them are cult-classic old school churches with laws written by HUMANS. Catholics pray to marry with silly rehearsals they say like "praise marry full of grace" and boom they think they are forgiven? Is that why Jesus shed his blood and died on cavalry? So you could praise marry and ask her for forgiveness? You are being deceived and very strongly. He will return to you but you need to be patiently seeking him. Show God that you want him and stop thinking he has to make you want him. Jesus said whoever is thirsty DRINK. not whoever is thirsty wait till I tell them they can drink, HE SAID DRINK. The devil is using the same tactic on my mother and on me to think we are unforgivable. Stop researching you are diggi g urself deeper. I know how you feel exactly and I also know that you are going to be 100% fine. Stop worrying he will come through to you, but you need to find a charismatic church that preaches the GOSPEL not manmade doctrine created by a pope or a Catholic church. And no I'm not saying Catholics are bad people but they are being led and taught the wrong teachings. God didn't send his only son to earth to be tortured and crucified on a cross so that you could taste Christianity for a little bit then be eternally damned for eternity because you didn't want to become a pope? If you want to become a leader in the faith then be a pastor!!! You can still be married and still live a normal life with Jesus without the constraints of Roman Catholic manmade doctrine. The prodigal son did far worse than You and he was forgiven, he took his father's inheritance (GOD'S GOSPEL) and three it away and spent a long time in far country with prostitues and worldly things yet he came back and his father redeemed him. Don't think you are worse. I love you brother and so does God. Trust me as a person going through the same thing as you. YOU ARE JUST FINE. Rest and know that the work you are trying to do has been done 2018 years ago on a cross, just for youHello all,
My name is Sinan Shamun, 21 years old and I come from the Netherlands.
In December 2015 I was very depressed and was looking for a cause to live for. I never understood who I was and what the hell I was doing here in the first place. Then suddenly, in February 2016 I felt amazing, I was full of love,joy, creativity and basically all positive things imaginable. I was killing it at my job and it felt as if I was in heaven every moment of the day. Then in March, during the communion of my little sister I found my faith in God, it was a great happening and I finally understood life after being an atheist for 20 years. I learned that it was the Holy Spirit which was dwelling in me at the time. I was constantly communicating with Jesus as if he were my best friend, and I loved it. As time passed I became very introspective and got to know my relation to God even better.
Then the great day came, God told me that I was the complete package to become a Roman Catholic Pope, me out of all people, after all those years. (I assume this happened to the current Pope when he was my age and suddenly switched from a Chemistry major to pursuing his path to become the Pope). I then learned that I had to spread my wings and fly away, become a total new person, find new Christian friends and live a holy life. At first I was totally flabbergasted by all of this. I decided to sign up for my Theology major in Utrecht at a Catholic school and was so grateful for being given a cause in life.
Then,unfortunately, all things went downhill. I realized that becoming a Catholic Pastor meant not being able to have sex and a wife and all other worldy pleasures, so I started avoiding God. Avoiding reading the Bible I bought and continuing a sinful life (smoking, using drugs, etc) after all that God had done for me. I became less and less full of positive energy and my connection with God was decaying and decaying. I showed up at the meeting day prior to starting my Theology major when I was totally unprepared, I had not become the person God wanted me to become and I just sat there with the other students looking like a complete fool, not knowing what to say. I left the meeting day by just running away from the other students and I went home.
Eventually, my thinking reached a point where I had sudden realization which totally destroyed God for me. I convinced myself that God is an all between the ears thing and that I don't own it anymore. It was gone, totally evaporated. I even remember cussing at the Holy Spirit for leaving me after I had failed God in a shameful way and I am actually 100% sure that I have committed the unforgivable sin, since I am not genuinely worried about committing it anymore. My heart wants to know nothing about God but my mind knows God is everything I need, but I have screwed up. I can't blame God for all that has happened, I was even warned prior to me finding out I was elected to become a Pope. God told me to 'choose wisely' and he warned me of a curse. It was all or nothing for me and it sure as hell turned out to be nothing and my destination will be hell for sure.
I had such a beautiful life ahead but all my stupid 20 year old self could think of was sex at the moment, instead of being able to help many souls including those of my friends, who weren't Christians either. My mind has become corrupt and worthless because I lost God and my introspectivity has reached so far that I have basically committed spiritual dialysis. I'm stuck with a mind that thinks about useless goalless garbage all day long. I spent months in a mental ward, taking medicine because the psychiatrists believed I was deluded and got myself into a psychosis. After all those months of medicine and super long tedious days it turned out that they were wrong and that my spiritual experience was from God. I have nothing now, all joy, love, personality and everything positive have evaporated into absolute nothingnes. 7 months of hell have passed and no progress was made. Many prayers have been prayed but all of them were in vain. I was helped by spiritual healers and therapists but nothing worked.
I have no idea what to do and am really feeling the urge to throw the towel in the ring because this life is terrible. A clinical depression is an ecstacy trip compared to what I'm going through and I'd cut off my limbs were it that I'd get my mental and emotional state back to 'normal' again. I am seriously considering to end it all and just accept my fate, which is probably hell. I'd take physical pain of flames over this mental numbness any day.
Has anyone heard of a story similar to mine and/or does anyone have any tips for me? Can anyone confirm that I should just accept my fate since there is nothing I can do about all of this? I read my bible while in the mental ward but it got me nowhere. No revelations or real understanding.
Thank you.