Friendship problem

[iceqube]

I think you a bit cut up by this...asking her would just be annoying her again.
I think its better to be around friends who are I suppose more tolerant and like you back but also let that teach you that that kind of behaviour annoys most people it won't be just her.

should i remain in contact with her? we still sometimes help each other with class material

 

[Goodbook]

I think just when she asks you for help don't give help if its not asked for.

its ok if she wants to help you too if she chooses just don't get super involved with her, respect her boundary.

 

[iceqube]

I think just when she asks you for help don't give help if its not asked for.

its ok if she wants to help you too if she chooses just don't get super involved with her, respect her boundary.

Thank you for all the help. I should not offer help such as resources I have right? I've always offered extra resources in the past to help with classes. The other day I sat next to her and she didn't say anything. She kept talking to some other guy. Then when I handed her sign in paper she said oh hey i didn't notice you. I thought it was extremely disrespectful and I confronted her about that. I don't know if it was a bad idea. She said she don't hate me and still cares for me.

 

[redblue22]

So you are thinking of all sorts of reasons to contact her and disrespect the space she wants.

What is her next step if you don't listen and you cross her lines again?

 

[iceqube]

So you are thinking of all sorts of reasons to contact her and disrespect the space she wants.

What is her next step if you don't listen and you cross her lines again?

I'm not thinking of ways to contact her. It's just that when we were really friends we always help each other to do well in classes. I am thinking not offering help anymore unless she asks for it. She said we were friends in classroom and we've sat next to each other in classes. Just this time I felt completely ignored. I think her next step is to just cut me out completely

 

[blackribbon]

Hi everyone,

I am currently in a friendship problem with a girl. Last year I admitted to the girl I liked her and it went downhill from there. I was also quite clingy and texted her a lot. Our friendship ended over the summer. Before that we were really close friends and would always help each other. She wanted to re-enter the friendship a month ago and has placed many restrictions to just be classmates and talk only about school stuff. We ignore each other outside of classes and say nothing to each other. She said she put limitation on the friendship to protect her happiness. I am not sure how to proceed from here. Is there any way to ask her for forgiveness and forget the past? I am unsure what to do.

You don't have to ask for her forgiveness. She has offered it by reconnecting. You honor it by acknowledging the boundaries she has set for your relationship/friendship now. If it is a real friendship, then it will grow again and the boundaries will expand as you prove you are willing to be friends (her clear message at this time). If you want more, then set your own boundaries to minimize contact to protect YOU from being hurt because she is clearly stating that she doesn't want anything more at this time (and don't expect it in the future). Don't over think it or you will go back into clingy overbearing mode and I doubt there will be another chance for friendship....

You have to decide if you are willing to live with her boundaries...the choice is really yours but the boundaries are real.

 

[blackribbon]

I'm not thinking of ways to contact her. It's just that when we were really friends we always help each other to do well in classes. I am thinking not offering help anymore unless she asks for it. She said we were friends in classroom and we've sat next to each other in classes. Just this time I felt completely ignored. I think her next step is to just cut me out completely

Do not contact her outside of class. If she (or anyone else) is not asking for help, why would you feel the need to offer it? I believe she has stated that she wants this to be a classroom only based friendship...which means, no texting, no outside notes, no "thoughtful gifts", no phone calls, no driving/walking by her home, no hanging out at her haunts hoping to catch a glimpse of her...and learning to not think about her when she isn't around. She doesn't want to be your girlfriend ... she only wants to be your friend. Hard reality, but it is reality. Prove that you want to live just as a friend and the boundaries will expand ... but doesn't mean she will change her mind about wanting to be your girlfriend.

In the meantime, start cultivating more friendships with other people.

 

[Goodbook]

don't worry so much about it. Yes its sad when someone snubs you but don't let it bother you. She just needs some space I reckon.

I told you what hurts more is if someone doesn't even want to sit next to you in class or help when the teacher says 'help each other'. This happened to me and its not because I smell or anything the guy was being a jerk. Then the other classmates took pity on me and asked me to sit next to them.

 

[Kenny'sID]

She didn't notice you??

Yeah, I think I'd forget about asking for forgiveness, if for no other reason, it seems your main purpose for that is to get here to reconsider the restrictions, but it won't do any good, she has made it clear what she wants/doesn't want.

Someone mentioned she may be using you for help in class, is that so, do you help her much more than she does you? She may be using you but you are unable to see it, but maybe not...just be aware of that and look again.

Either way, I get it, you have a crush on her and you don't want to let go, even though there is nothing there to hold on to, it happens, but there is a point where you just have to respect her decision and hang on to a little self respect by not pushing it anymore.

I think I would back off, go with the thought she isn't interested and get used to it (sorry), don't be cold, but stop caring as much at least in regard to wanting a relationship. Not offering help is probably a good start, do that at the very least, and if you feel she is using you, maybe go a bit further. Whatever you do, don't be clingy, show definite lack of interest without being mean or obvious. Maybe start looking elsewhere too. If by slight chance she is going to come around, that is likely the only way she will, and if she doesn't, well that's where you are now anyway so nothing to lose.

I hate games but unfortunately that's the way it works sometimes. Also, I'm happy to be corrected on any of this, it's just all I can think of to do.

 

[blackribbon]

I don't think she is playing "games" because she has clearly marked the borders of this friendship. I don't think she is "using you" for schoolwork because that usually means you meet outside of class and can't acknowledge your friendship IN the classroom where people are looking. She likes you...but not as a boyfriend & not as her "best friend" and she is making that clear. I don't think I see any indications that she is being deliberately cruel ... only that she is being honest and saying, that her feelings are not the same as yours. You notice her because she is the first thing you notice in the room...you are not that to her, but neither are some of her close girlfriends most likely.

 

[timewerx]

Hi everyone,

I am currently in a friendship problem with a girl. Last year I admitted to the girl I liked her and it went downhill from there.

Unfortunately, your situation is WAY WAY more complicated than getting a date with someone you just met.

It's certainly wrong to say to a woman you have platonic and friendly relations for some time now that you like her upfront.

You have to be very sensitive in situations like that because you are practically risking your friendship. If she likes you, then no problem.....BUT what if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings for her??? Then you would have lost that friendship and even possibly hurt or creeped her out.

This is actually one situation that requires a great amount of wit and flair..... So even though she could not reciprocate your feelings for her, she still would have felt the same being your friend and not creeped out.

I guess this advice is too late to make a difference.

I was also quite clingy and texted her a lot

Some women might take you for that but not good in the long run.

Christians shouldn't be clingy at least....It's threading towards idolatry so avoid it. And more decent individuals would dig people who aren't clingy.

 

[Kenny'sID]

I don't think she is playing "games" because she has clearly marked the borders of this friendship.

The whole thing is a game, not that she is necessarily playing one with him. We like someone that doesn't like us, back off, and see how it goes, if it doesn't, as it likely will not... move on. Or play it a different way and so on.

 

[Goodbook]

The whole thing is a game?

Ok.
Thats in interessting way of putting it.

What kind of game...table tennis?
If its table tennis you take turns, eg she serves, you hit back, she hits back, you hit back. You dont try and serve her when shes not ready or looking. She doesnt slam the ball at your end, you dont toss her a high one to her face and expect her to reach it. Take it slow.

That way you can play for a long time and still be friends. What you did was keep at her when she was tired and not ready. Or not even at the table.

 

[CodyFaith]

Dude... She has to limit your friendship to protect her happiness? Like your some kiND of drain oN her life?... Bro, she's treating you like a doormat. Run. Run and escape. Find someone who actually appreciates you, amd doesn't treat you like you have to shelter them from yourself.

This!

This x10!

 

[mojoboy31]

I don't think she is playing "games" because she has clearly marked the borders of this friendship. I don't think she is "using you" for schoolwork because that usually means you meet outside of class and can't acknowledge your friendship IN the classroom where people are looking. She likes you...but not as a boyfriend & not as her "best friend" and she is making that clear. I don't think I see any indications that she is being deliberately cruel ... only that she is being honest and saying, that her feelings are not the same as yours. You notice her because she is the first thing you notice in the room...you are not that to her, but neither are some of her close girlfriends most likely.

Does she telling him that she must limit 'their friendship to protect her own happiness' sound at all like a healthy friendship to you? If she cared about him at all, she'd have never said that. No one deserves to be treated like that-- made to feel so inferior, inadequate- like a drain and disease.

 

[Kenny'sID]

What kind of game...table tennis?

You're catching on.

I'm a bit surprised more people don't get the comparison. As in a game, we break the rules and there are consequences, and as to this particular game, though things can sway from the norm, the rules are generally the same, as is the outcome because people are at least generally the same. As in a game, when things sway from the norm, that's when it gets interesting, but even then, we've probably seen the abnormal moves before.

Rules of life can be applied to a game and vice versa.

Maybe it just sounds cold to see it in that regard?

 

[Goodbook]

no its a good analogy.
Although some people play to win, some people play just for fun and to enjoy it.

 

[Kenny'sID]

Yeah, there is that. Many ways and reasons to play, all depending on what one is after, and I'm guessing the OP's reasons are sincere.

 

[timewerx]

Does she telling him that she must limit 'their friendship to protect her own happiness' sound at all like a healthy friendship to you? If she cared about him at all, she'd have never said that. No one deserves to be treated like that-- made to feel so inferior, inadequate- like a drain and disease.

There's a perfectly plausible reason for her behavior.

I've done a similar thing before. Doesn't really mean she hates you or doesn't want you around.

She must be that person like me who highly values their privacy but still want to keep some company who wouldn't creep them out.

I just don't make it a big deal if I met a woman like that. I'll just let her be and appreciate her company if she wants me around. It's just people with different personalities. Something for someone.

 

[mojoboy31]

There's a perfectly plausible reason for her behavior.

I've done a similar thing before. Doesn't really mean she hates you or doesn't want you around.

She must be that person like me who highly values their privacy but still want to keep some company who wouldn't creep them out.

I just don't make it a big deal if I met a woman like that. I'll just let her be and appreciate her company if she wants me around. It's just people with different personalities. Something for someone.

I'm not saying wanting to limit the friendship is wrong. But you don't tell someone what she said. You just don't. Not if you care for them.