@bèlla , what does biblical courtship look like exactly?
The underlying principle of biblical courtship is a God-centered connection that exists to explore the suitability of marriage for the pair. They've usually developed an acquaintance beforehand and covered the basics in respect to belief and character.
Courtship is an official declaration of sorts from the pair that acknowledges their interest (mutual) and want for a period of togetherness to determine if marriage is in their future. It isn't a promise of marriage but it's an acknowledgment to proceed in that direction if both parties are aligned.
Unlike dating, there's usually a time assigned for the coupling and they're cautious in their expression. The goal isn't to fall in love or be swept away. Answering the question is foremost which requires restraint and propriety throughout.
Dependent on the age and familial situation some pairings may be arranged by parents or overseen by older couples. Mature believers beyond their twenties may choose to utilize premarital counseling during the process or counsel from marriage ministries within the church.
Group outings are typical for younger persons but may be less appealing for older pairs. They're meant to prevent impropriety and excessive isolation. Some refuse to be alone at home or meet in the evenings. That requires mutual discretion and honesty.
Speaking on my own behalf, I don't struggle with lust or have difficulty with self-restraint. I had a lengthy period of abstinence long before my homecoming as a matter of conscience. I can be in a gentleman's company without a desire to sin or an inability to resist. Attraction notwithstanding, we're not fornicating.
That's the level of honesty and self-awareness required for courtship. You don't pretend you can handle things or ignore your weaknesses or the others. You want to be supportive and above reproach. An ability to say no is important. The courtship will only be as honorable as the people involved.
Oftentimes there's a greater focus on prayer and fellowship and accountability as individuals and a pair. If they have an advisor they'll meet periodically. There's usually some measure of familial involvement. At the very least they'll meet the intended and have time together.
A key difference in courtship and dating is intention. It's not about companionship, attraction, nabbing a Chad or Stacy or hypergamy. He's not your boyfriend. It has an expiration date. Sometimes couples require more time to decide. That's especially true for younger pairs or long distance unions. When the courtship ends they marry or part ways.
They're opposed to relational hostage and I concur. It takes a toll on the heart. When a person is determined to spend their life with you you're treated differently from a maybe and that's all dating is. I see crushes in a similar light. They allow themselves to get caught up in an attraction that hasn't been substantiated. It's all emotional.
They more they feed it the more afraid they become. Now they have take action and ask the question. They've built them up in their head and fed it emotionally. When they don't reciprocate they're hurt or disappointed. It should never get that far.
Guarding your heart is an integral part of courtship. If you want romance and butterflies it's not the right path for you. If you need to be claimed or crave companionship you're the wrong fit. If you want relational experiences it will never work.
It isn't a quasi marriage nor do you want the spoils. That comes after the altar. If you require that level of togetherness, security and emotional relating courtship will disappoint you. You hold back until a decision is made. Then you can be more expressive.
On a personal note...
Like the majority, I've dated in the past but always with a question mark. Where is this heading? I was not the kind of woman who'd spend five years with a man or half that period without an end goal in mind. I've always believed men know what they want. And by that I mean if he's willing to invest in her. I have no desire to be anyone's placeholder and avoid those connections.
I mate intentionally and while I don't apply the term to myself the pairing will only commence if the altar is a possibility. I have suitors not boyfriends. That's where acquaintance is established. I say little about my connections because he's not my husband. That's the one deserving of public announcement and accolades. That's the one I'll share on social media. They're not one in the same.
For me, it's a mark of respect and maturity and discretion. He's the one I want attached to my name and image. Not the others. He's the one I want the world to remember. My restraint isn't a reflection of faith although it influences it.
I hold myself in check because of the consequences. I don't ignore the price I'll pay later on. I was abstinent because I didn't want to confess what I'd done. It's shameful (to me) to share yourself indiscriminately. I would have to admit my indiscretions and I didn't want to be in that position. I made a decision and honored it.
My faith doesn't allow me the liberty of non disclosure some Christians promote. I don't want a marriage full of secrets or unexpected surprises. I want transparency which requires a willingness to tell the truth. Sometimes that means discomfort, shame, guilt, etc.
It's unpleasant but it's the consequence of my actions and I have to take my medicine. I don't want to sweep it under the rug and pretend I'm innocent. Everyone has a right to make informed decisions. Holding things back robs them of the same. Which requires honest discussions and hard questions.
Due diligence is a must and this is the time to address it. Some are afraid to ask about explicit content, same-sex relations/attractions, addictions, sexual appetite and so on. They don't want to hurt their feelings. But you have to live with it if you marry them. It's better to know upfront.
The Holy Spirit is ever present and delivers counsel throughout. He'll tell me when someone's being dishonest or holding things back. He'll tell me what to pray and provide input on my thoughts and behavior. Including warnings. He'll say don't do it you'll regret it. Sometimes I listen and sometimes I don't to my detriment.
He helps me in spite of myself. I'm a risk taker and not afraid to fail. Disappointments aren't life ending or soul crushing. I believe I can do it again and I'll start over. When you're not afraid to roll the dice you're not afraid to walk especially when you possess a great degree of self-preservation. That has its challenges relationally.
He works with me to help me overcome the things that oppose the Lord's will. He knows the right fit for His sons and daughters. When I interacted with suitors some were obvious nos and others had potential but they were not suitable from His perspective. He knew I required a strong leader with great integrity and personal responsibility and wouldn't marry without it.
He encouraged me to rekindle a connection with someone who had that in spades. Who also had a familial blueprint that complemented the one the Lord established. He wasn't solely desirous of a traditional wife. He valued high achievement and wouldn't compromise my purpose. He wants me to succeed.
But that isn't one-sided. I've advised him from the start. That's how we met. I wrote a post describing the ideal woman and the qualities required for good companionship and lifelong connections. He messaged me and asked how do I find the woman you described? It was posted in a group I moderated on etiquette and he was a member. As we conversed we discovered we possessed what the other sought.
While I waited on the Lord I was helping others. I was mentoring someone and ran three groups that focused on manners, femininity and etiquette. I instructed them on ladyship, deportment, how to dress and communicate, how to respond to inquiries and retool their profile. Where to meet gentlemen, how to let them lead and so on. I was a co-leader of another group on domesticity and spoke extensively on a woman's role. I always believed in headship.
He saw it all and its a testament to my convictions. I had a question in my mind long ago and was determined to answer it when I found him. What have you done while you waited? How was your time spent before my arrival? I didn't want to meet those words with silence, excuses or unprofitable pursuits.
I knew the day would come and I invested in my future. The time between that commitment and today is a CV. Pages filled with training, experiences, service, thoughts and encounters. I was living Proverbs 31 before I found my way home and continue to do so. And he followed a similar course.
I share that to answer your question and demonstrate His influence. Many people are high minded and they're seeking companions based on personal preferences or societal esteem with no consideration of their mission (if known) and the necessity for its presence.
I've seen people ask for 10's on the board. But what are you doing for God that requires you to have a woman of that stature that follows Him? Abram had a 10. But he became Abraham. The father of faith. Some desire high wage earners. What have you been called to do that demands additional resources? The Lord has things in mind for his plenty that requires a spouse who'll work towards those aims.
I'm not suggesting that all pairings will be perfectly balanced. There will be disparities in both and if you're fortunate the other possesses the qualities you need to help you overcome them or you work through them together. But I am encouraging prudence.
Prudence implies caution in deliberating and consulting on the most suitable means to accomplish valuable purposes, and the exercise of sagacity in discerning and selecting them. prudence differs from wisdom in this, that prudence implies more caution and reserve than wisdom, or is exercised more in foreseeing and avoiding evil, than in devising and executing that which is good. It is sometimes mere caution or circumspection.
There would be far less singleness amongst Christians if they were more prudent. You don't have to have everything at once or the best of the best. Many things are undertaken in the union and you grow together. Have a gander at your passions and the things that stir your heart about the Lord. Then look around you and see who enjoys the same.
Stop drawing ideas from social media. It's a social experiment meant to reinforce a class driven society. That's why they have influencers. They're paid to shape your thoughts. That's why it rewards beauty, success, wealth and popularity. The scarcest qualities.
It's okay to like things, seek information and try to improve yourself. I support that wholeheartedly. But if that's your standard for companionship you're going to be disappointed. What do you think they're going to expect in return?
Many of you desire to marry but you're not marriage minded. You want to be wanted, you're chasing rainbows, or you're heartsick. If you want to be noticed give them something to look at besides a selfie, complaints and sorrows. Something they can marvel at. Something admirable. Something that demonstrates your qualities and convictions. Something that makes them want to know more about you. Something that surprises them.
If you were asked to describe yourself in five hashtags what would you say? Write them down then look them up and ask yourself a question. Is that the way I am or how I want to be seen? And if it's the latter ask yourself what needs to change and do it.
~bella
