Feeling Desperate

[BeccaLynn]

I struggle so terribly with feeling that I am never genuine with God. As if I'm just putting on a performance for Him with my life, when I pray, go to church, the way I live. I never feel as if I'm genuinely repentant or as if there is ever a real change in me. The times I have thought there might be the inkling of a real change before have been extremely fleeting, as an illusion of a little bit of inward change, and then it's gone so quickly. I have worried before about having committed the unpardonable sin with my thoughts, but then I don't think I have. Then I worry that since I'm not so concerned about that, there's something wrong with me because I should feel that way for having such horrid thoughts. I don't have blasphemous thoughts like I used to, not since seeing a pastor for counseling and finding this forum to post on, but I'm struggling so terribly with feeling hopelessly lost from God. It's as if there's no connection at all and I'm so worried and trapped inside. For a while, I seemed to be doing better, but I steered away from reading much more than the Psalms in the Bible. When I read about hypocrites, that's me. When I read about those who have turned from God, that's me. Everything is me that God speaks against in the Bible. I feel as if I'm just playing a game with myself and God, trying to convince myself that I'm saved and that I'm going to spend eternity with Him. There are so many things that have happened, in my mind without question, that seem to prove the opposite. I know that word FEELING is in here a lot, but I've been sensing a newfound desperation in my life. The things that used to somewhat comfort me aren't working anymore, and I'm concerned that's all I'm trying to do - find comfort in this life because I think that I'm doomed for the eternal one. I've been hearing a ringing noise in my ears at night since going to an extremely loud concert about a week ago, and I have awakened many times during the night ever since panicking. Right now, it's about 4:45 a.m., and I've been awake since about 1:30 a.m. Between the ringing and the feeling of doom, I have sometimes thought that I'm losing it. I'm scared and stuck in spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional quicksand it seems. I could really use your input right now. I ask for prayer concerning the ringing in my ears. Please pray that God will heal my hearing!


Thanks So Much!
Rebecca

 

[Stryker395]

Hey Becca. I'm going to pray for you right now that God will give you peace in your mind and in your heart. You know, I've experienced a few of the things that you mentioned and I've doubted whether or not God sees me as being genuine.

Over the years though He has helped me realize that He understands who I am and He loves me for who I am. Just remember that God understands exactly how you are feeling. He knows that you want a better relationship with Him. He sees the struggles that you have and knows how to fix every one of them. Don't give up hope because the enemy will try to tell you that it's useless. Well he is a liar and that's his job is to confuse and disrupt your life.

Hang in there because the Lord sees your efforts and He loves you more than you could ever know. He also knows that you love Him and that you are continually trying. I don't know you, but I believe in the power of prayer and I pray right now that you have peace in your heart and that you will be at rest in the name of Jesus. God bless

 

[BeccaLynn]

Thank you Striker for your comments, and especially your prayers on my behalf. I definitely need them. I feel badly when I come to this forum instead of going to the Bible, as I always feel I should read God's Word for comfort. Yet, especially when I'm scared over feeling I'm not or never will be a REAL Christian, reading the Bible seems to feed the anxiety in me. Reading people's posts often has a calming effect on me, knowing that I'm not so alone as I often feel. I don't want to ever post anything that makes those who don't confess Christ as their Savior feel that their opinion to not serve Jesus is correct, and to use my experiences as one example of why they don't. I don't believe that there is any other way under heaven that we can be saved. But I do want advice from those who have walked where I've walked, or are walking there now., and God has upheld them. It definitely can help make the darkness not seem so deep.

Thanks!!!
Rebecca

 

[OptimisticSmile]

what you are describing is exactly me a few months ago . I too had the thought that I was doomed for eternity and that my life would be reduce to a fight for comfort and meaning of which I knew was not possible outside of Christ. I felt as though I was in a hard spot not wanting to die but not wanting to live and thinking that I would never get better and would one day just say I dont care and end it all. I actually sat in class wondering how much longer I would endure and kept thinking "Curse God and die" I am glad God delivered me from that because he has shown me he has used me since then. he wants to do the same for you. I still struggle with the genuine thing. I sometimes feel like I shouldnt even say I love you to God because I always feel awkward doing it. for me in the hardest of times it was 24/7 seven thinking I was doomed. to the outsider it is not something they could understand. I try to explain it in that even if the 24/7 thoughts were on something benign like a dog, the sheer obessing would drive one to a breakdown mentally and physically.add to that a serious set of thoughts that relate to our exhistance and future and its almost like hell on earth. It is so painful but God has a better understanding of the situation. I dont like to thinkn about judgment but one thing someone said hear that helped me is that when God says well done my good and faithful servant he will pat us on the back and acknowledge the love and devotion and faith in him that we never saw in ourselves.

Becca I once read your posts and was like dang shes definently genuine and perhaps I am not. we have our moments . Im sure others have thought of me "wow he must be genuine." yet ill be the first to say it is a dially struggle.

in my toughest time I lost my long-term focus and I gave up. God didn't give up on me and he wont give up on you. I would recommend listening to casting crowns east to west, and jars of clay -silence Don't lose your long-term focus.

also i would recommend 2 corinthians 4:17-18

 

[HeatherG]

Becca,

Don't feel bad for seeking comfort from other Christians. That is what we are there for, to bear each others' burdens. When we can't pray for ourselves, that's when we need our brothers and sisters to lift us up in prayer.

It seems to me that if you were just able to let go and allow God to love you for who you are, it could be the key to moving forward. You know in your head that grace is a free gift that you could not earn, but your heart is just not getting it. If you have an anxiety disorder then that is not going to help. I forget if you are on any medication but maybe getting that adjusted might help you to relax and be in a better position to accept the truth of God's unconditional love. Yes, truth, from the Bible. Stop reading all the negative bits and ignoring the comforting bits! Not that I think we should read selectively to make ourselves feel good, but it seems that you are focusing on all the passages that make you feel bad!

It is hard to joyfully serve a Master who we fear does not love us, even if that perception is wrong. It is also hard to feel a closeness to someone we fear is rejecting us, even though that may not be true. At times when we feel unloved by God it is hard to open up and let God's love flow through to others, so it is unlikely that we will be bearing much fruit in our lives. This is not a test of whether we are saved or not, it's just that we may be less productive than if we were feeling secure in our relationship with God. It's easy to get in a vicious cycle of not feeling loved, not bearing fruit, not bearing fruit, not feeling loved. But thanks be to God, His love for us never was about how much fruit we bear. "We love Him because He first loved us." It's just a matter of letting that sink in, then the fruit will come. Besides, your perception of how "good" your life is may be worse than God's perception of it.

Sorry for waffling on. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Try to relax and accept God's love, not just to make yourself feel good, but because it will actually help you to have victory in your Christian walk.

And I will pray for your peace and your ears too.

Heather

 

[OptimisticSmile]

with the whole blaphemous thouhghts thing. God will never change his love for us, he will always view us as his pardoned children even if our view of him changes.

 

[BeccaLynn]

Thank you Heather and Optimistic Smile!! Optimistic, it's kind of funny that you said you read one of my posts and thought how genuine I must be, and feeling that you weren't. I've thought the same thing about you. Heather, I am comforted in knowing that I can come to this forum and share myself, openly and honestly, without fearing that I will be "cut down". I'm thankful for the fellowship and encouragement you and everyone else has offered. Right now, I'm not on any anti-depressants. I don't have insurance, and the side effects I have had in the past (one of which always included weight gain, which then raises my blood pressure it seems to an unhealthy level), have caused me to fear trying any more of them. I have tried approximately 5 in the past, and the only one that slightly worked was Luvox, but it had such bad side effects that I finally came off of it too. I did go to see an audiologist today concerning me ears, and he gave me hope that it can very well be only temporary, and what to do to block out the ringing. Thank you for all of your prayers. Optimistic, I meant to say that I identify with sometimes not wanting to go on because it seems no use to try, but then of being afraid to die. But thankfully, somehow God intervenes and brings me hope again. This forum has been proof of that. It is so encouraging to be able to come here and be transparent, and still find acceptance!

Thanks to All!
Rebecca

 

[gracealone]

HI Rebecca,
You are on this forum because of the very fact that you choose to walk on in your committment to living for and following Jesus Christ. You are here because, as others have already stated so well, you too have encouraged their faith. In nearly every post you proclaim that your greatest desire is to live for Christ and to enjoy intimate fellowship with Him.
You can't base the reality of His love for you on your emotions or lack of emotions. No one can. But those of us with OCD most especially cannot do this.
You like myself may feel very strongly that you are a person of very little faith and that maybe that faith is too weak to save you.. but right there is the fly in the ointment. We may have weak faith but the faith that we do have is in a faithful God. Bottom line is this - our faith is not really found in us, but in all that He is. Arent' you glad for that? Rest assured that though your brain chemistry which is suffering an affliction is making these dreadful thoughts seem so very real or valid, OCD cannot undo the faithfulness of your Lord and Savior.
You just keep on proclaiming Him to be the Lord of your life, keep on doing your best to walk in obedience to His work, keep on praising Him for His great love and goodness to you... do it because you choose to do it because He is worthy of it not because you find it easy because of some emotional validation, but because you know it is what He wants you to do.
I know I don't even need to tell you to do these things because you are already doing them.. and this my dear friend is volitional faith.
Concerning medication. I have to take meds. that also make me gain weight and raise my cholesterol if I'm not careful and I have high blood pressure.. but I gotta be honest sometimes meds. are just plain necessary for quality of life and I'm willing to put up with some side effects when I'm really in a bad flare with OCD.
My daughter in law was able to get samples for her anxiety disorder when they didn't have insurance and some of them are cheaper than others.. like Prozac so that might be a possibility too. It's scary to try new drugs most especially when you are in a flare of OCD because you will intensely fear the side effects. I've been there too... hard to take that leap but am glad I did. Remember that we have to be willing to live with uncertainty when we have OCD.
(Who knows... someday I might also... spontaneously combust... one can never be sure.)
I hope you are doing some better by now. I continue to pray for you.
Go... under the mercy.
Mitzi

 

[OptimisticSmile]

about the bible vs coming to this forum thing. when you come here you are getting a biblical perspective on your struggle. I may not always qoute scripture but scripture plays heavely into what I write.

Tonigt I am feeling really good and I was able to pray at various times throught the day it was almost like before the struggle. I can see that God used me and yet I still feel as though I doubt he is in my life. moreover I am almost certain that God is leading me to court my freind and its not based on emotions but on oppertunities he has given us in the past and presently to minister to others together. he uses me with her freind that is in the occult by the little things i do nonchalantly yet ive only met the girl twice and both times weve met it was when praying with my freind. God drew her freind to pray with us both instances.