Engaged and living with a non-christian man. What should I do?

Lost4words · Mar 13, 2019

Dont sleep together.

If you love the guy deeply and cant see life without him, then marry him.

God may have brought you together so that you will be instrumental in converting him to full Christianity.

Obviously you need to talk to him deeply.

God bless you both.

Avocadoll · Mar 13, 2019

So, just because we slept together and we are engaged doesn't mean we are one flesh?
It will be hard to break an engagement, because we live together, he trust me and I promised him. I feel like this will be like a betrayal. I know how devastated he'll be if I do it and I feel like that will push him in to the wrong direction in life again, because he's been through a lot and he always tells me how I'm the light in his life and make his life so much better.
If I break the engagement, that means leaving him because the Bible says I should not be married to an unbeliever but i already broke so many of God's commandments that it seem like hypocritical now. I moved in with him, slept with him and now all of the sudden I decide that I can't marry him because he's not a christian. Doesn't it look weird?

FireDragon76 · Mar 13, 2019

Avocadoll said:
So, just because we slept together and we are engaged doesn't mean we are one flesh?
It will be hard to break an engagement, because we live together, he trust me and I promised him. I feel like this will be like a betrayal. I know how devastated he'll be if I do it and I feel like that will push him in to the wrong direction in life again, because he's been through a lot and he always tells me how I'm the light in his life and make his life so much better.
If I break the engagement, that means leaving him because the Bible says I should not be married to an unbeliever but i already broke so many of God's commandments that it seem like hypocritical now. I moved in with him, slept with him and now all of the sudden I decide that I can't marry him because he's not a christian. Doesn't it look weird?

Go with your intuition. In the end you are the one that has to live with yourself. Other people will not be there to pick up the pieces nor soothe your conscience. Be your own best friend in times like this, because you can never be sure other people really have your best interests at heart.

SeventhFisherofMen · Mar 13, 2019

Avocadoll said:
So, just because we slept together and we are engaged doesn't mean we are one flesh?
It will be hard to break an engagement, because we live together, he trust me and I promised him. I feel like this will be like a betrayal. I know how devastated he'll be if I do it and I feel like that will push him in to the wrong direction in life again, because he's been through a lot and he always tells me how I'm the light in his life and make his life so much better.
If I break the engagement, that means leaving him because the Bible says I should not be married to an unbeliever but i already broke so many of God's commandments that it seem like hypocritical now. I moved in with him, slept with him and now all of the sudden I decide that I can't marry him because he's not a christian. Doesn't it look weird?

The argument that you’re too far gone to do the right thing is wrong. I also wouldn’t put the burden of saving him on yourself as the reason you want to get married.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s never to late to turn back if you know you’ve gone down the wrong path. Jesus knows how you feel and that it’s no easy thing to end an engagement, but He also knows your heart and that The Holy Spirit has convicted you to do something in your situation. Marriage is a serious thing that you have to live with for the rest of your life, be careful who you choose to stay with. That’s all for now.

Also maybe talk to your Pastor on this, someone you know to be a good man or woman of God.

Dave-W · Mar 14, 2019

FireDragon76 said:
It is not a sin to marry someone who does not share our religious beliefs. In fact the Bible says the opposite, that our spouse is sanctified.

That is a serious misunderstanding of what Paul said.

Dave-W · Mar 14, 2019

ewq1938 said:
That is not talking about marrying a non-Christian.

1 Corinthians 7:12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
1 Corinthians 7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
1 Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

I agree this is not about marrying an non-christian. It is addressed to someone who became a christian AFTER they were married, and the spouse did NOT follow.

Dave-W · Mar 14, 2019

ewq1938 said:
Some believe this contradicts what Paul later wrote:

2 Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

This isn't about marriage or he would have spoken about marriage. He states pretty clearly that no one should divorce an unbeliever even though that technically makes them "unequally yoked"

Paul did not mention marriage specifically because it covers a host of OTHER life situations like business partnerships, joint ownerships and the like; in addition to marriage.

Dave-W · Mar 14, 2019

bekkilyn said:
FireDragon is right. It is not a sin to marry an unbeliever. Paul *warned* against it because of the various problems it could cause, but it is not forbidden. In this case, the flesh has already become one and emotional bonds have already been strongly developed. To break off a healthy relationship and engagement for the *sole* reason because some people on an internet forum are advising the OP to use scripture to harm someone is a terrible thing to do to a person. It is *not* loving neighbor and by not loving neighbor, it is *not* loving God, and it is definitely *not* loving someone as Christ loves us.

A biblical definition of love means that first and foremost you have to be guided by directions of scripture.

FireDragon76 · Mar 14, 2019

Dave-W said:
A biblical definition of love means that first and foremost you have to be guided by directions of scripture.

That's bringing Reformed assumptions about the proper use of the Scriptures to the text, as if the Bible were intended to be a comprehensive guide to human conduct apart from common sense and human experience. This is not something that Wesleyans or Lutherans would generally accept.

I also believe the notion that the Bible has a corner on defining love to be highly problematic, and it isn't true to Jesus' humanism. That's why Jesus uses earthy parables and imagery, because he situates morality and ethics within the human sphere, and takes it out of the hands of religious elites. That is actually a radical departure from many of his contemporaries, or many religious leaders since. It's one reason that religious leaders of his day felt threatened by him: he was putting them out of business.

bekkilyn · Mar 14, 2019

Dave-W said:
A biblical definition of love means that first and foremost you have to be guided by directions of scripture.

But which scripture in particular? There is no situation anywhere in scripture that matches up with the OP's. There was no such thing as a monogamous unmarried relationship where the man and woman lived with each other as if they were married in either Jewish or Greco-Roman culture. In ancient Israel, we would often read scripture to the effect of "he knew her and she became his wife" which doesn't imply anything like coming up before the equivalent of a Justice of the Peace. How exactly does God define who is married and who is not married in *his* eyes?

(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) · Mar 14, 2019

FireDragon76 said:
They have already attempted to have a child together, they are effectively already one flesh. To tear apart what God has joined is not right.

Sex does not equal "two becoming one flesh". It's sexual immorality and is condemned by God, not blessed by God.

(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) · Mar 14, 2019

bekkilyn said:
But which scripture in particular? There is no situation anywhere in scripture that matches up with the OP's. There was no such thing as a monogamous unmarried relationship where the man and woman lived with each other as if they were married in either Jewish or Greco-Roman culture.

The Samaritan women at the well.

15 The woman said to [Jesus], “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”

16 [Jesus] told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”

17 “I have no husband,” she replied.

Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.” (John 4:15-18)

Thus, having a sexual relationship with a man you live with does not equal marriage. Its sexual immorality.

FireDragon76 · Mar 14, 2019

No Username Found said:
The Samaritan women at the well.

I don't recall Jesus telling the Samaritan woman at the well how to live her life.

(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) · Mar 14, 2019

Avocadoll said:
So, just because we slept together and we are engaged doesn't mean we are one flesh?

No. Absolutely not. Scripture is very clear on that. Otherwise, Paul would not have warned people to get married if they could not control their lust.

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthian 7:8-9)

(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) · Mar 14, 2019

FireDragon76 said:
I don't recall Jesus telling the Samaritan woman at the well how to live her life.

He did tell her that the person she was living and having sex with was not her husband. Thus, the idea that having a sexual relationship with the person you live with does not equal marriage. The OP and her fiancé is neither married nor "one flesh" in the eyes of God. That is biblical truth that should not be rejected or denied.

FireDragon76 · Mar 14, 2019

bekkilyn said:
But which scripture in particular? There is no situation anywhere in scripture that matches up with the OP's. There was no such thing as a monogamous unmarried relationship where the man and woman lived with each other as if they were married in either Jewish or Greco-Roman culture. In ancient Israel, we would often read scripture to the effect of "he knew her and she became his wife" which doesn't imply anything like coming up before the equivalent of a Justice of the Peace. How exactly does God define who is married and who is not married in *his* eyes?

Plenty of people in history did exactly what the OP did, and morality did not fall apart. At one time, being married by any authority figure was a luxury that was unavailable to many communities. Church weddings for Christians were not even normative until modern times. On the American frontier, justices of the peace and religious ministers could be very rare.

bekkilyn · Mar 14, 2019

No Username Found said:
The Samaritan women at the well.

15 The woman said to [Jesus], “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”

16 [Jesus] told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”

17 “I have no husband,” she replied.

Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.” (John 4:15-18)

Thus, having a sexual relationship with a man you live with does not equal marriage. Its sexual immorality.

Jesus made no judgment on the Samaritan woman at all, one way or the other. Jesus demonstrates that he knows all about her, which was his purpose for bringing up the husbands (or men) and yet still commissions her as a missionary to her people vs. finding a man or a more "respectable" person who isn't both a woman and a detested (by the Jews) Samaritan. You may also notice that Jesus never once told her to immediately break off her relationship to this sixth man who was not her husband, so this scripture really isn't supportive of the view that the OP needs to immediately dump the person she loves solely because he's an unbeliever.

bekkilyn · Mar 14, 2019

No Username Found said:
He did tell her that the person she was living and having sex with was not her husband. Thus, the idea that having a sexual relationship with the person you live with does not equal marriage. The OP and her fiancé is neither married nor "one flesh" in the eyes of God. That is biblical truth that should not be rejected or denied.

Not to mention that different cultures have widely different views on what a marriage entails. Do forced marriages count? What about marriages to multiple people? Does the marriage have to be in a church? Or is the church under the government's authority concerning marriage? What if a government forbids people to get married altogether and they have their own private marriage ceremony with just God as their witness? Does that count as a marriage, or does it only count if a government says so? Is marriage about a piece of paper or is it in the heart? What about those who have lived together something like 20+ years and are considered married by common law?

There are so many factors and more to consider!

That view you had in the other post about a lot of 19th century Victorianism may be very much on the mark here.

(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) · Mar 14, 2019

bekkilyn said:
Jesus made no judgment on the Samaritan woman at all, one way or the other. Jesus demonstrates that he knows all about her, which was his purpose for bringing up the husbands (or men) and yet still commissions her as a missionary to her people vs. finding a man or a more "respectable" person who isn't both a woman and a detested (by the Jews) Samaritan. You may also notice that Jesus never once told her to immediately break off her relationship to this sixth man who was not her husband, so this scripture really isn't supportive of the view that the OP needs to immediately dump the person she loves solely because he's an unbeliever.

Christ's judgement of sexual morality is not the point. The passage destroys the idea that someone can be married in the eyes of God by simply living with the person you are having sex with. Jesus condemn sexual immorality in other passages but we cannot assume that because Jesus did not condemn the women at the well that all of a sudden sexual immorality is okay in her specific situation. That would be foolish

(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) · Mar 14, 2019

bekkilyn said:
Not to mention that different cultures have widely different views on what a marriage entails. Do forced marriages count? What about marriages to multiple people? Does the marriage have to be in a church? Or is the church under the government's authority concerning marriage? What if a government forbids people to get married altogether and they have their own private marriage ceremony with just God as their witness? Does that count as a marriage, or does it only count if a government says so? Is marriage about a piece of paper or is it in the heart? What about those who have lived together something like 20+ years and are considered married by common law?

There are so many factors and more to consider!

All these are factors that are irrelevant to the OP or John 4. One thing is clear, living with someone you have sex with is not biblical marriage...period.

Engaged and living with a non-christian man. What should I do?

Jesus I Trust In You

New Member

Well-Known Member

You cannot fool Jesus

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!

Well-Known Member

Contemplative Christian

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Contemplative Christian

Contemplative Christian

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Similar threads

Privacy & Transparency

Privacy & Transparency