Engaged and living with a non-christian man. What should I do?

[Natsumi Lam]

That is not talking about marrying a non-Christian.

1 Corinthians 7:12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
1 Corinthians 7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
1 Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.


Some believe this contradicts what Paul later wrote:


2 Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?


This isn't about marriage or he would have spoken about marriage. He states pretty clearly that no one should divorce an unbeliever even though that technically makes them "unequally yoked"


Gill

not is it to be understood as dehorting from entering into marriage contracts with such persons; for such marriages the apostle, in his former epistle, had allowed to be lawful, and what ought to be abode by; though believers would do well carefully to avoid such an unequal yoke, since oftentimes they are hereby exposed to many snares, temptations, distresses, and sorrows, which generally more or less follow hereon: but there is nothing in the text or context that lead to such an interpretation; rather, if any particular thing is referred to, it is to joining with unbelievers in acts of idolatry; since one of the apostle's arguments to dissuade from being unequally yoked with unbelievers is, "what agreement hath the temple of God with idols?" and from the foregoing epistle it looks as if some in this church had joined with them in such practices; see 1Co_10:14. But I rather think that these words are a dissuasive in general, from having any fellowship with unbelievers in anything sinful and criminal, whether in worship or in conversation:


Clarke

2Co 6:14 -
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers - This is a military term: keep in your own ranks; do not leave the Christian community to join in that of the heathens. The verb e?te?????e?? signifies to leave one’s own rank, place, or order, and go into another; and here it must signify not only that they should not associate with the Gentiles in their idolatrous feasts, but that they should not apostatize from Christianity; and the questions which follow show that there was a sort of fellowship that some of the Christians had formed with the heathens which was both wicked and absurd, and if not speedily checked would infallibly lead to final apostasy.
Some apply this exhortation to pious persons marrying with those who are not decidedly religious, and converted to God. That the exhortation may be thus applied I grant; but it is certainly not the meaning of the apostle in this place




Acts 16:30 And brought them out, and said, Sirs, what must I do to be saved?
Acts 16:31 And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.


Here a man can believe in the Lord and be saved AND his house can be saved meaning his family. That is the same exact concept of one person in a marriage/family saving another through their personal faith. Talk about grace and mercy!

Can the Word contradict itself and still remain?

Or does it take a contextual, subject, word etc study to clarify?

It looks to me an important statement at the beginning of 1 Corinthians 7:12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord. Is this the case with 2 Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers?

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Not at all. I would agree that she is under no legal *obligation* to enter into a marriage contract with him.

However, she is also under no obligation to government or to God to refuse to marry him either.

Well I guess that's where I'll have to draw a line in the sand and say I agree to disagree with you. I don't ever see God approving of seeking marriage with a non-believer. The only time would be if they were a non-believer to start with in marriage with another non-believer, and then later became a believer. At that point is what Paul was referring to in the Bible about how people should remain as they were when they became a believer, and also that the person who is already married when they become a believer sanctifies their wife/husband who is a non-believer.

Thanks for answering.

 

[ewq1938]

Just read the comments by experts in the Greek language. Being unequally yoked was not about marriage but about participating in pagan rituals etc. Paul also did not contradict himself so do you think the Word contradict itself and still remain?

Can the Word contradict itself and still remain?

Or does it take a contextual, subject, word etc study to clarify?

It looks to me an important statement at the beginning of 1 Corinthians 7:12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord. Is this the case with 2 Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers?

 

[bekkilyn]

First commandment is to love Him with all your heart, soul and spirit. He said to love Him is to keep His commandments. How can you say you love him yet disobey and be unequally yoked?

Because for one, unequally yoked is not a commandment but a warning. And the time to decide not to get into a relationship with an unbeliever is *before* getting into the relationship. The OP is at the point where she has already gotten into the relationship, they have already become one flesh, and actual love and trust have developed. Do you sincerely think Paul is then going to say, "Oh well it doesn't matter if he is irrevocably harmed by her toying with him for however many months or years, and then pretending to want to marry him just to viciously break off everything, destroy his trust, and perhaps whatever spiritual progress he's made, and for no apparent reason but some people on the internet told her that God wants it that way?"

So you take some of what Paul says as instruction from God but not keep the ones that are not lining up with your lifestyle?

You look at the context of when, where, why, etc. Paul is saying what he is saying and to whom.

Then love your neighbor. It does not say your love can compromise through sin. You can love your enemy but not marry them. The OPer does not have to be married to love. You can not break the first and keep the second. There is an order.

There is no sin in the OP making a choice to marry the person she loves.

 

[FireDragon76]

First commandment is to love Him with all your heart, soul and spirit. He said to love Him is to keep His commandments. How can you say you love him yet disobey and be unequally yoked?

No, there is no hierarchy like that in the commandments. To keep one, we must keep them all. The second great commandment Jesus says is "likened to" the first. The Greek word Jesus uses in this case, homoios, has a stronger meaning than the English word "like", and is closer to saying "the same as".

This is why John says we cannot love the God we have not seen if we do not love the brother we see, because the second commandment is so intimately related with the first.

 

[bekkilyn]

Well I guess that's where I'll have to draw a line in the sand and say I agree to disagree with you. I don't ever see God approving of seeking marriage with a non-believer. The only time would be if they were a non-believer to start with in marriage with another non-believer, and then later became a believer. At that point is what Paul was referring to in the Bible about how people should remain as they were when they became a believer, and also that the person who is already married when they become a believer sanctifies their wife/husband who is a non-believer.

Thanks for answering.

You're welcome.

My line in the sand is drawn before the relationship with the unbeliever begins. Once real hearts and real harm and damaging hurt can occur by severing an already existing relationship, then it becomes more complicated.

 

[Sketcher]

Hello everyone,
I found this forum and decided to post my situation because I've been so confused and hopeless lately that I don't know what to do. Beginning of this year my non-christian boyfriend proposed to me and I said yes. We moved in together and we are about to get married this month. I'm very happy with him and I think he's a great person but there's one problem that I did not take into consideration when I said yes to him and that's the fact that he's not a christian. He has a Bible and few times I noticed he listened to christian radio but when i spoke to him about that he doesn't believe..
I know God doesn't want Christians to marry non-believers but I made a mistake and I realized it now after we started living together and I said yes to him..
I don't know what to do. I'm confused, hopeless and I pray to God but there's seems to be no solution to this.
I can't leave him after I said yes, also I love him . Plus we live together. But I'm so scared what our life will be together when he's not a believer. He comes with me to church but I can tell he's so far from God.
I disobeyed God following my own path instead of what God wants me to do and now I'm suffering the consequences.
Please give me some advice!
God bless!

Well, you can either continue on and marry him and live with the pain of having an unbelieving spouse, or you can break up and live with the pain of the heartbreak from the breakup. That's the corner you backed yourself into.

 

[FireDragon76]

Well, you can either continue on and marry him and live with the pain of having an unbelieving spouse, or you can break up and live with the pain of the heartbreak from the breakup. That's the corner you backed yourself into.

If she marries him, it may be a cross to bear, but that is not a thing to be despised, necessarily. In this week's collect at my church, it was said how Jesus regarded the Cross before him, as a joy. Authentic Christian life involves struggle and suffering, but we carry our cross for the good of our neighbor and the world, because that is what Jesus called us to do. We do not worry about our own righteousness, which was secured by Christ for us, but the needs of our neighbor. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer understood, all Christians ethics ultimately is down to being a person for others. That is where the Christian should situate themselves in the world.

 

[Natsumi Lam]

No, there is no hierarchy like that in the commandments. To keep one, we must keep them all. The second great commandment Jesus says is "likened to" the first. The Greek word Jesus uses in this case, homoios, has a stronger meaning than the English word "like", and is closer to saying "the same as".

This is why John says we cannot love the God we have not seen if we do not love the brother we see, because the second commandment is so intimately related with the first.

Mar 12:29

And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord:

Mar 12:30

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.

Mar 12:31

And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

 

[Sketcher]

If she marries him, it may be a cross to bear, but that is not a thing to be despised, necessarily. In this week's collect at my church, it was said how Jesus regarded the Cross before him, as a joy. Authentic Christian life involves struggle and suffering, but we carry our cross for the good of our neighbor and the world, because that is what Jesus called us to do. We do not worry about our own righteousness, which was secured by Christ for us, but the needs of our neighbor. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer understood, all Christians ethics ultimately is down to being a person for others. That is where the Christian should situate themselves in the world.

If they marry, she'll have to repent of yoking herself to an unbeliever, stay with him afterwards, and all this without any guarantee that he will come to the Lord, let alone be a godly example to any children they may have. After that, yes she would need to live for him as you say. There's no reason to sugarcoat that road.

 

[Ttalkkugjil]

Hello everyone,
I found this forum and decided to post my situation because I've been so confused and hopeless lately that I don't know what to do. Beginning of this year my non-christian boyfriend proposed to me and I said yes. We moved in together and we are about to get married this month. I'm very happy with him and I think he's a great person but there's one problem that I did not take into consideration when I said yes to him and that's the fact that he's not a christian. He has a Bible and few times I noticed he listened to christian radio but when i spoke to him about that he doesn't believe..
I know God doesn't want Christians to marry non-believers but I made a mistake and I realized it now after we started living together and I said yes to him..
I don't know what to do. I'm confused, hopeless and I pray to God but there's seems to be no solution to this.
I can't leave him after I said yes, also I love him . Plus we live together. But I'm so scared what our life will be together when he's not a believer. He comes with me to church but I can tell he's so far from God.
I disobeyed God following my own path instead of what God wants me to do and now I'm suffering the consequences.
Please give me some advice!
God bless!

Show your non-Christian boyfriend the exit door. Do not marry him.

 

[(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)]

Hello everyone,
I found this forum and decided to post my situation because I've been so confused and hopeless lately that I don't know what to do. Beginning of this year my non-christian boyfriend proposed to me and I said yes. We moved in together and we are about to get married this month. I'm very happy with him and I think he's a great person but there's one problem that I did not take into consideration when I said yes to him and that's the fact that he's not a christian. He has a Bible and few times I noticed he listened to christian radio but when i spoke to him about that he doesn't believe..
I know God doesn't want Christians to marry non-believers but I made a mistake and I realized it now after we started living together and I said yes to him..
I don't know what to do. I'm confused, hopeless and I pray to God but there's seems to be no solution to this.
I can't leave him after I said yes, also I love him . Plus we live together. But I'm so scared what our life will be together when he's not a believer. He comes with me to church but I can tell he's so far from God.
I disobeyed God following my own path instead of what God wants me to do and now I'm suffering the consequences.
Please give me some advice!
God bless!

I am sure many people here are thinking the same thing but I am just going to go out and say it. Just know that I mean this with love and sometimes the best remedy for confusion is straight talk. So here I go.

You are living and having premarital sex with a man, then you have a moral conflict with marrying him because he isn't a Christian? I am not trying to be judgmental or rude. But it sheds much light on the cause of your confusion. The problem is that you have not only been sending this guy mixed messages in regards to your obedience to God's word, but you have been sending yourself mixed messages on what scripture to follow and which scripture to ignore. If marrying an non-believer was that big of an issue for you, you never should have dated one to begin with. Given the whole purpose of dating is to find a potential husband/wife. The big question you need to ask yourself is exactly why are you uncomfortable with marrying an unbeliever? Because I can tell you right now that obedience to God's word is not a reason he is going to buy because you have shown him that you are willing to compromise the Word of God so he is going to wonder why you are not compromising the command to not be unequally yoked. Especially after you two moved in with each other.

But mistakes cannot be changed so it is best to learn from them and move on. So what you need to do first is move out and put the wedding on hold. I am not saying to call off the wedding or break up with him. But if you are having these issues, DO NOT GET MARRIED. They will only get worse after you marry him. Apologize to him because you misled him and every day that you delay taking these steps you are not only digging yourself deeper into a hole, but you are dragging him down with you. After you put the wedding on hold (hopefully you didn't make the big announcement or started investing money), you need to set CLEAR BOUNDARIES. Meaning, no premarital sex, no living with each other, and he is going to have to take the Christian faith seriously before you can tie the knot. Keep in mind that he is very likely going to go with the motions to try to convince you he is a Christian regardless of his walk with Christ. But that is something he will have to answer to God for. You also need to take some time to reevaluate your walk and seek God's wisdom in discerning what caused you to be put into this situation. Of course I don't know you or have all the details, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But from what I can tell, your selective obedience to the Word of God is what put yourself in this situation. Once you make one compromise, it become very difficult to justify to yourself and others why you wont compromise the rest. I will be praying for you and him during this time. Just be strong and do the right thing.

 

[FireDragon76]

I am sure many people here are thinking the same thing but I am just going to go out and say it. Just know that I mean this with love and sometimes the best remedy for confusion is straight talk. So here I go.

You are living and having premarital sex with a man, then you have a moral conflict with marrying him because he isn't a Christian? I am not trying to be judgmental or rude. But it sheds much light on the cause of your confusion. The problem is that you have not only been sending this guy mixed messages in regards to your obedience to God's word, but you have been sending yourself mixed messages on what scripture to follow and which scripture to ignore. If marrying an non-believer was that big of an issue for you, you never should have dated one to begin with. Given the whole purpose of dating is to find a potential husband/wife. The big question you need to ask yourself is exactly why are you uncomfortable with marrying an unbeliever? Because I can tell you right now that obedience to God's word is not a reason he is going to buy because you have shown him that you are willing to compromise the Word of God so he is going to wonder why you are not compromising the command to not be unequally yoked. Especially after you two moved in with each other.

But mistakes cannot be changed so it is best to learn from them and move on. So what you need to do first is move out and put the wedding on hold. I am not saying to call off the wedding or break up with him. But if you are having these issues, DO NOT GET MARRIED. They will only get worse after you marry him. Apologize to him because you misled him and every day that you delay taking these steps you are not only digging yourself deeper into a hole, but you are dragging him down with you. After you put the wedding on hold (hopefully you didn't make the big announcement or started investing money), you need to set CLEAR BOUNDARIES. Meaning, no premarital sex, no living with each other, and he is going to have to take the Christian faith seriously before you can tie the knot. Keep in mind that he is very likely going to go with the motions to try to convince you he is not a Christian regardless of his walk with Christ. But that is something he will have to answer to God for. You also need to take some time to reevaluate your walk and seek God's wisdom in discerning what caused you to be put into this situation. Of course I don't know you or have all the details, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But from what I can tell, your selective obedience to the Word of God is what put yourself in this situation. Once you make one compromise, it become very difficult to justify to yourself and others why you wont compromise the rest. I will be praying for you and him during this time. Just be strong and do the right thing.

All that will do is create the equivalent of a "rice Christian" who merely converts to please, or alienate him from God altogether. People should not be manipulated into agreeing with someone else's religious beliefs. And she is in a position to easily do that, and that would not be fair or right.

A man that goes to church with a woman, who reads a Bible, even occasionally, is not a bad thing. Has wooden religion warped some people to the point that they cannot see something positive, as an opportunity instead of a risk?

 

[Avocadoll]

Here's the situation.. I know I should've not dated him in the first place but I was really far from God when I did that.. Didn't go to church and made lots of mistakes. I accepted Christ long time ago, but I was not baptized. There was time when I was going to church all the time but I stopped. Now when I came back to the faith I realized what a mistake I've done. Also I've never felt this way with anyone in my life. I thought that he's the man that God has for me. My fiance is not against my faith and he's also willing to come with me to church but I last few days I have been thinking about talking to him and explaining to him that my faith is very important for me and if we are going to be married he needs to look at Jesus seriously because I want us to raise our children as Christians. Yes, I'm not a good example to him by moving in with him and willfully sin and sleeping with him. I realize that .. But here's the thing.. I got pregnant and lost our baby few weeks ago. This is something that also bonded us together more than ever. He's loving and supporting and understand the importance of my faith. So I don't have peace of just leaving him and putting an ultimatum on him.

 

[FireDragon76]

Here's the situation.. I know I should've not dated him in the first place but I was really far from God when I did that.. Didn't go to church and made lots of mistakes. I accepted Christ long time ago, but I was not baptized. There was time when I was going to church all the time but I stopped. Now when I came back to the faith I realized what a mistake I've done. Also I've never felt this way with anyone in my life. I thought that he's the man that God has for me. My fiance is not against my faith and he's also willing to come with me to church but I last few days I have been thinking about talking to him and explaining to him that my faith is very important for me and if we are going to be married he needs to look at Jesus seriously because I want us to raise our children as Christians.

It's OK to talk about wanting to raise your kids as Christians but its not OK to imply that he has to be a Christian or share your religious beliefs. He respects your beliefs, that's about all you have the right to ask for.

Yes, I'm not a good example to him by moving in with him and willfully sin and sleeping with him. I realize that .. But here's the thing.. I got pregnant and lost our baby few weeks ago. This is something that also bonded us together more than ever. He's loving and supporting and understand the importance of my faith. So I don't have peace of just leaving him and putting an ultimatum on him.

Don't ruin a good thing just because it isn't ideal.

 

[Avocadoll]

Fire,

I can't force upon him the Christian faith but he hasn't really even looked at it that seriously. I just need him to open his heart. That's all I'm asking and if we gonna raise christian kids then he needs to agree with me about the Bible when I talk to my children, otherwise they'll be very confused. So for the sake of our marriage it's important to me that he takes a serious look at that.

 

[FireDragon76]

Fire,

I can't force upon him the Christian faith but he hasn't really even looked at it that seriously. I just need him to open his heart.

It sounds to me like his heart is open. It's not your job to convert him to your point of view.

That's all I'm asking and if we gonna raise christian kids then he needs to agree with me about the Bible when I talk to my children, otherwise they'll be very confused. So for the sake of our marriage it's important to me that he takes a serious look at that.

So? Confusion is a normal part of being a human being in a modern world. In your family situation, they might have to work out some things on their own and come to their own conclusions. That's why they are called children and not robots.

 

[paul1149]

I know I should've not dated him in the first place but I was really far from God when I did that.. Didn't go to church and made lots of mistakes

It's clear that the variable here is your faith being resuscitated. I think you need to get yourself alone for a season and get some perspective on your situation. How important is your faith going to be to you? How important is it to have a husband who shares it? What will it look like to have a husband who doesn't? How would that affect the kids?

And you need to talk to your fiance' about your changing priorities. He needs to know what's going on under the hood.

 

[FireDragon76]

It's clear that the variable here is your faith being resuscitated. I think you need to get yourself alone for a season and get some perspective on your situation. How important is your faith going to be to you? How important is it to have a husband who shares it? What will it look like to have a husband who doesn't? How would that affect the kids?

And you need to talk to your fiance' about your changing priorities. He needs to know what's going on under the hood.

They have already attempted to have a child together, they are effectively already one flesh. To tear apart what God has joined is not right. To threaten the emotional bonds that hold families together is hardly being pro-family, and it is hypocritical and unjustified. Families come in all different shapes and sizes and they all deserve our care and consideration regardless of whether or not they measure up to our ideals.

Families like this need our prayer and encouragement to make wise decisions, not criticism.

 

[paul1149]

They have already attempted to have a child together, they are effectively already one flesh. To tear apart what God has joined is not right.

This is false doctrine. One flesh refers to soul ties, not marriage necessarily. One isn't supposed to marry a prostitute one has patronized, yet Paul says going into a prostitute makes one one-flesh with her. Two wrongs don't make a right.