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Engaged and living with a non-christian man. What should I do?

Discussion in 'Courting Couples' started by Avocadoll, Mar 12, 2019.

  1. Avocadoll

    Avocadoll New Member

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    Hello everyone,
    I found this forum and decided to post my situation because I've been so confused and hopeless lately that I don't know what to do. Beginning of this year my non-christian boyfriend proposed to me and I said yes. We moved in together and we are about to get married this month. I'm very happy with him and I think he's a great person but there's one problem that I did not take into consideration when I said yes to him and that's the fact that he's not a christian. He has a Bible and few times I noticed he listened to christian radio but when i spoke to him about that he doesn't believe..
    I know God doesn't want Christians to marry non-believers but I made a mistake and I realized it now after we started living together and I said yes to him..
    I don't know what to do. I'm confused, hopeless and I pray to God but there's seems to be no solution to this.
    I can't leave him after I said yes, also I love him . Plus we live together. But I'm so scared what our life will be together when he's not a believer. He comes with me to church but I can tell he's so far from God.
    I disobeyed God following my own path instead of what God wants me to do and now I'm suffering the consequences.
    Please give me some advice!
    God bless!
     
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  2. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

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    You should talk to him about your growing convictions. And give yourself the chance to at least temporarily move out, so as not to continue sleeping with a guy you're not married to, who is also not a Christian.
     
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  3. SeventhFisherofMen

    SeventhFisherofMen Invisible Hero Supporter

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    Avocadoll,
    Thank you for reaching out. Now to get to the point:
    You already know that God wants us to be married to believers, so there can only be two options: Either you express to your fiance that because of your faith you can only be married to a believer and he decides to become a Christian (genuinely I might add and not just as a front to get married) or you count your losses and break the engagement before any real serious injury happens where you're married and now you know you shouldn't divorce, which I think would be an even worse situation than if you were to break off the engagement.
    I understand that this might be hard, and yes it might be easy for me sitting behind my computer from far off to just say what I think and not empathize about the situation at hand. I'm sorry you're in this situation, and God knows it is hard for you to have to make a decision like this, but I also believe that The Holy Spirit put it on your heart to reach out for Christian advice.

    Pray about this and ask God to help you through this process. I also want to add that people would be understanding if they are Christian as to why you broke off the engagement due to conflicting religious beliefs. If you explain yourself to your family and friends the ones that are truly your friends and that have your best interest at heart will take your side and stand by you in this, the others just ignore and know that God is first and foremost by your side in making this decision.

    I'm honestly sorry you're in this position and I'm sorry if this was straight to the point and seemed a bit lacking in the emotional aspect, I just wanted to address the main point before others posted stuff about how God might not care if you marry etc. which I totally think would be misleading and false advice.

    May God help you in this and The Holy Spirit give you the strength and words to say when the time and situation presents itself to do the right thing.
     
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  4. FireDragon76

    FireDragon76 Ship of Fools Supporter

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    If the two of you are happy together and you get along, I don't see the problem. As the apostle says, the believing spouse sanctifies the other.

    People take the "don't be yoked" thing far too legalistically. The real issue is, are you ready to be married to this person, do you truly know them, have you undergone marriage preparation with a counselor?
     
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  5. Melody Suttles

    Melody Suttles SingPeace

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    Well, I can see you have quite a conundrum to deal with - a big decision to make.

    It is my belief that if at any time a Christian feels uneasy about a decision to make or path to take; she should stop everything altogether - make no decision except to seek the Lord's guidance, council and will both from His Word and from His Holy Spirit Who guides us into all truth.

    Scripture says two things I think should be considered. First, that a non believing spouse is made holy by the believing spouse. However, this statement is in regards to two people already married.
    Second, that believers should not yoke themselves together with non believers; yet, this particular verse is not referring specifically to marriage.


    1 Corinthians 7:12-14
    To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that
    if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.


    2 Corinthians 6:14-17
    Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you,

    Then I found an article regarding three possible outcomes of marrying a non believer.

    Three True Outcomes

    For the moment, though, here goes: There are only three ways an unequal marriage can turn out, (and by unequal I am willing to stretch a point and include genuine, warm Christians who want to marry an in-name-only Christian, or someone very, very far behind them in Christian experience and growth):

    1. In order to be more in sync with your spouse, the Christian will have to push Christ to the margins of his or her life. This may not involve actually repudiating the faith, but in matters such as devotional life, hospitality to believers (small group meetings, emergency hosting of people in need), missionary support, tithing, raising children in the faith, fellowship with other believers—those things will have to be minimized or avoided in order to preserve peace in the home.

    2. Alternatively, if the believer in the marriage holds on to a robust Christian life and practice, the non-believing PARTNER will have to be marginalized. If he or she can't understand the point of Bible study and prayer, or missions trips, or hospitality, then he or she can't or won't participate alongside the believing spouse in those activities. The deep unity and oneness of a marriage cannot flourish when one partner cannot fully participate in the other person's most important commitments.

    3. So either the marriage experiences stress and breaks up; or it experiences stress and stays together, achieving some kind of truce that involves one spouse or the other capitulating in some areas, but which leaves both parties feeling lonely and unhappy.

    Does this sound like the kind of marriage you want? One that strangles your growth in Christ or strangles your growth as a couple, or does both? Think back to that off-cited passage in 2 Corinthians 6:14 about being “unequally yoked.” Most of us no longer live in an agrarian culture, but try to visualize what would happen if a farmer yoked together, say, an ox and a donkey. The heavy wooden yoke, designed to harness the strength of the team, would be askew, as the animals are of different heights, weights, walk at different speeds and with different gaits. The yoke, instead of harnessing the power of the team to complete the task, would rub and chafe BOTH animals, since the load would be distributed unequally. An unequal marriage is not just unwise for the Christian, it is also unfair to the non-Christian, and will end up being a trial for them both.
     
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  6. FireDragon76

    FireDragon76 Ship of Fools Supporter

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    It seems to me problematic to focus on ones own spiritual growth, and not the needs of other people. Sometimes people come together for the benefit of each other. As Martin Luther said, sin is nothing but turning inward on oneself, no possible growth can happen if someone turns inward only to their own needs. Yet if a marriage helps both people to grow into more loving human beings, then I cannot see how it can be considered forbidden to a Christian.
     
  7. Melody Suttles

    Melody Suttles SingPeace

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    Father, I Pray that You would circumcise this unbelieving man's heart and give him a heart of flesh. Lord, put your Spirit within him. Bring him to know You, dear Christ. Lord, I pray that You open his heart to believe the gospel and that You, Lord God would free him from the slavery of sin. Lord, remove Satan’s blinding influence and grant him repentance. In Jesus' name. Amen.
     
  8. ewq1938

    ewq1938 Chewbacca kree! Supporter

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    Here is direct advice from an Apostle:

    1Co 7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
    1Co 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
     
  9. EastCoastRemnant

    EastCoastRemnant I Must Decrease That He May Increase Supporter

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    Doesn't apply, they are not married.
     
  10. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

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    True. She has a very valid, serious, Scriptural opportunity / reason to break this engagement. And give both of them time to talk frankly about this, and to look at her future in light of God's Will.
     
  11. SeventhFisherofMen

    SeventhFisherofMen Invisible Hero Supporter

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    I agree with EastCoast
     
  12. FireDragon76

    FireDragon76 Ship of Fools Supporter

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    But they are engaged, she has already promised to marry him, it would not be blameless to break off such a relationship because there is another person involved. We should also think about the needs of the other potential spouse. Unless their is abuse or incompatability, I see no reason that the relationship should be ended to satisfy a perceived legal requirement. That is the very essence of legalism.
     
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  13. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

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    Christ Himself is pretty legalistic, Fire.
     
  14. FireDragon76

    FireDragon76 Ship of Fools Supporter

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    When seen through Lutheran hermeneutics, no, he isn't.
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2019
  15. ewq1938

    ewq1938 Chewbacca kree! Supporter

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    They are engaged so it does apply. According to Paul, nothing wrong with marrying a non-Christian as long as one spouse is Christian.
     
  16. Natsumi Lam

    Natsumi Lam Preparer of the Bride Supporter

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    It seems you are feel convicted . I would never suggest going against God's instructions for love.

    I suffered for 8 years by doing that. I know have a bad disorder and cant work because of my rebellion.

    I dont mean to seem intense but i dont want you to ever experience my path when you still have the chance to reconsider.
     
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  17. Natsumi Lam

    Natsumi Lam Preparer of the Bride Supporter

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    God said no.

    Man said i love them.

    God said no so anything going against that no is rebellion. 1 Sam 15:23 says rebellion is witchcraft.

    Dont suggest one should practice witchcraft.
     
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  18. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

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    @Avocadoll , as you can see, there are different points of view on this subject. Now, it could be that moving forward would end up in a nice marriage. He could even get saved at some point. But to do so would be presumptuous and is extremely risky. The covering Paul offers to mixed marriages in 1Cor 7 is for those who came to Christ while already married, as was often the case in the young church at Corinth when the letter was written. It is not for two people considering marriage, it is not meant to alleviate them of the responsibility of their decision.

    Backing out now would undoubtedly be costly emotionally. But to go ahead the way it is would be extremely risky spiritually. Which do you value more? Know that you have the option to back out even at this point; it is not too late to do so. You ought to talk to your fiance' and tell him your concerns. And spend good time in prayer and perhaps fasting looking for the answer that affords spiritual peace and rest.

    But if anyone lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, the One giving to all freely and without reproaching, and it will be given to him.
    But let him ask in faith, without being at variance within himself, for the one at variance within himself is like a surging wave on the sea, being driven and tossed by the wind. -Jas 1:5-6

    Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by right living his works done in the meekness of wisdom.
    But if you have bitter zeal and selfishness in your heart, do not boast and lie against the truth.
    This is not the wisdom coming down from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic.
    For where bitter zeal and selfishness are, there is confusion and every evil thing.
    But the wisdom from above is, truly, first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, and without hypocrisy.
    And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those making peace. -Jas 3:13-18​
     
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2019
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  19. FireDragon76

    FireDragon76 Ship of Fools Supporter

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    The Gospel sets us free to serve our neighbor, even an unbeliever. I cannot think of anything more unloving than going back on an engagement promise for no other reason than religious scruples. That isn't how God works, as I understand him.

    Remember, this is not just about a believer's choices, it's about a relationship that involves a promise between two people. Two people need to work together on this, you cannot just decide something unilaterally like this in good conscience. She needs to talk about her concerns with her fiancee, and it might also require the help of a professional. That is not unwise or unloving to say, and it is consistent with my church's teaching on this issue.
     
  20. Natsumi Lam

    Natsumi Lam Preparer of the Bride Supporter

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    The Lord works by never ever contridicting His Word. He said do not be unequally yoked. You are instructing someone or suggesting they go against God himself because a mere promise between mortal man.
     
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