Do looks matter to you?

[bèlla]

I've been pondering about what you said these past few days.. I don't know.. maybe I should try to "being" for a while. I've tried it a little bit, and have felt some light/hope.

I’m happy to hear that. You’ve made me smile. Thank you.

~Bella

 

[GodJesusAndChocolate]

No Physical Appearance does not matter to me.

 

[angelsaroundme]

It's a balance between the two. Looking back, some of the women I had feelings for were likely average appearance wise but their qualities made them attractive to me.

As you get older I think you realize how empty focusing on looks alone is. If a beautiful person has nothing in common with you, or has terrible behavior, that's not going to be a good relationship longterm.

 

[ReesePiece23]

I'd say 90% of my attraction towards a woman (if not 95%) is for her mind. Yeah, I will fall quite madly in love if the woman's mind is beautiful, even if she's considered 'unattractive' from a superficial standpoint.

Looks count for very little when you're gazing up at the stars philosophising.

Close to three years on and still feel this way. Even if I have no recollection of writing this post. Like, literally NONE, I wrote it during my 'hazy' phase when breakfast stout meant what it said on the tin.

I was living in the Netherlands at the time, I think...

 

[DragonFox91]

The problem w/ looks is that they fade over time.

 

[MehGuy]

Yes, under 30 please.

I can deal with some weight, but an older woman is a huge turn off for me.

 

[MehGuy]

Just as women tend to highly value height, men highly value youthfulness. As someone who is hitting the age of 30 I tend to find most women around my age unappealing.

Wow, time really flies. Now I am 32.

My attractions are not different, I just have a stronger preference for women who are younger than me. It's just going to get worse and worse as I get older. I imagine most 55+ men go insane about this, lol. When I'm in my early 40s and if still single, I'd probably prefer women around 31-33. Right now, I prefer women around 23-26.

I recently watched a Clint Eastwood movie, and he's like 91 in it... and this (attractive for her age) 42 something year old woman tries to seduce him... but Clint is the one who turns her down... which makes her extremely angry, lol.

Not sure how I felt then, but as I've entered my 30s, I've noticed a lot of women having "baby rabies" around me. Wanting me to settle down and provide for them... uhm yeah no. It's not like I can't have some basic attraction to a woman my own age... but I just view it as a bad investment long term.

As a short guy who's had his height be a deal breaker for many women in the past... I simply feel like I owe women my age anything. Not to mention I'm aging pretty well myself and given my family history probably will for years to come. I can still attract younger women, even if they're not as forceful as ones my own age. Which makes since, because they don't have to be.

 

[GodJesusAndChocolate]

I feel like Physical Attraction is unimportant. It’s the Person’s Soul and Heart that really matter.

 

[sampa]

If you saw someone who you found physically attracted to but found out their personality wasn’t compatible with yours, would you still pursue them?

It's kind of a current situation. There's a guy that I found very physically attractive as well as he did myself. He's also a Christian but lives quite far and has six kids. I said we weren't suitable and I wondered how hard it would be since 6 weeks later he text me and later we can burst It Again by phone. I find something missing in him that makes it easy to let go of him.
While, another guy who is attractive but doesn't live out the Christian faith, I teeter back and forth on intrigued and interest. He's much further but does not have kids and travels occasionally, we have not talked by phone since December 2021 but we are connected through social media. To answer your question, in the past it has been the character and words that has pulled me or attracted me to a person. If there's one physical characteristic I might say that stands out as a must, is that they have to be taller than me. Even if I have found their character attractive, when I'm around that person there's something that just doesn't make me feel like a woman or attracted.

 

[linux.poet]

Not really. I have fallen in love with people's internet forum personalities, completely sight unseen. Twice. Taking the time to get to know me matters way more to me than looks.

Unfortunately, though I haven't had a sexual attraction in my life, I do notice the aesthetics out of my designer brain. So if you have a big scar or acne on your face, I'm probably going to notice, and that will be a distraction that will wander through my mind throughout our conversation. Meanwhile, while all of my attractions have been to personality and romantic stuff rather than looks, all of the guys I have liked in person have looked like my dad. Same hair, skin, and eye color. Why, I have no idea. I blame aesthetic attraction and the fact that I appreciate certain divine works of art.

Right now I feel a large amount of psychological distance from my appearance observations, like I'm viewing them as moving statues rather than people. I don't necessarily feel anything as regards my appearance or others, just notice the details in my thinking brain. I don't know if this is permanent, or another wound that will heal up in time.

Meanwhile, I am cursed with the fact that, despite the fact that I am nearly 29, people STILL think that I'm 16. I got carded in Wal-Mart for trying to buy a bottle of non-alcoholic Worcestershire sauce that came in a glass bottle. People are still asking me how I'm doing in school even though I left school for good last May. I have to fight to get people to respect my intellectual acuity and spiritual toughness because my "teenage" appearance makes them think that I'm stupid. I have actually repeatedly reminded people that I'm 28 because they couldn't get it through their thick skulls. It's ridiculous.

 

[bèlla]

I value self-possession most. While we aspire to be loving and kind we miss the mark and attractiveness doesn’t make it easier. No one’s perfect. We fail often.

I find myself looking at the core. Who you are before you came to faith and who you are afterwards and the constants throughout. I appreciate people rich in self-restraint with a deep understanding of right and wrong imbedded in their person.

Not pharisaically or religiosity; but genuine prepossession. When you contemplate a lifetime with another and its challenges the road is easier with them in tow.

Admittedly, there’s downsides to attractiveness. The world lauds beauty and rewards it unashamedly. No one who possesses it is oblivious. It takes a lot of self-command not to exploit the privilege and vigilance is needed in areas where its benefits are most pronounced.

People make allowances and bend the rules when you’re lovely. They’re more likely to assign positive attributes to your character and view you in a better light because you’re pretty/handsome.

~bella

 

[TheRealAriel]

It’s a balance for me. Men generally become attractive or unattractive to me as I get to know them. A good personality goes a long way. But-

As a super tall girl who is insecure about it, I’m definitely more attracted to tall men who don’t make me feel so alien (not their problem, mine). As a person who loves semi fit activities, I don’t feel super attracted to/compatible with extremely unfit people. I’m definitely overweight myself, so I’m not talking perfection, but if his weight indicates to me that there will be clear limits on the things we can do together (hikes, runs, etc), then I’m not attracted.

so yeah. Definitely don’t ignore looks entirely, but they also aren’t the end all for me.

 

[MehGuy]

Wow, time really flies. Now I am 32.

My attractions are not different, I just have a stronger preference for women who are younger than me.

Only been a few months since my last post, but I think my preference for younger women is even stronger now.

I remember walking past an aisle at the grocery store... and they had this like 70-year-old woman... and the magazine was trying to sell me that she's "attractive". It's really disturbing out of touch society is regarding what men want in women.

It's pure nonsense. Men who prefer women who are at their most fertile are simply going to be more reproductively advantageous compared to men who do not. If the evolutionary history of women preferring taller men due to protection is valid... men preferring early 20s women is like 100 times more valid in comparison.

 

[KJ91]

Im a little bit weird with this. I think all women look good but in different way. Im probaly the least shallow person in the world. So its the personality that matters for me.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I remember walking past an aisle at the grocery store... and they had this like 70-year-old woman... and the magazine was trying to sell me that she's "attractive". It's really disturbing out of touch society is regarding what men want in women.
.

Or there's what is known now as "body positivity" , in other words, people, especially women, embracing their obesity as beautiful.

Even an issue of Sports Illustrated on the front cover put up hefty woman on the front page. Um....this is a magazine for athletes, so what's wrong with this picture?

 

[timewerx]

Or there's what is known now as "body positivity" , in other words, people, especially women, embracing their obesity as beautiful.

Even an issue of Sports Illustrated on the front cover put up hefty woman on the front page. Um....this is a magazine for athletes, so what's wrong with this picture?

I did find slightly obese or plus size attractive, long before it became a trend.

Back to topic: Looks matter in a way a couple should have roughly equal level of attractiveness!

If you are very attractive and married someone a lot less attractive, you'll be seduced a lot by other people to have an affair with you despite them knowing you're married!

Have seen this a lot. Such coupling with huge gap in attractiveness opens you up to very strong temptations.

Or the opposite, you married someone a lot more attractive than you do, you might see people flirting with your much more attractive partner. You'll either be crushed by jealousy all the time, if not, your partner will undergo huge temptations to have extra marital affair.

Attractiveness in this case doesn't account for wealth. Many who married someone not very attractive but strongly influenced by their wealth tend to succumb to extra-marital affairs.

So I'd say looks can matter in sense that it would have nice if you're marrying someone who has similar attractiveness to yourself to minimize temptations to engage in extra marital affairs.

 

[mojoboy31]

For me, looks only matter in "initial attraction phase". Like, "wow, she's attractive, I should try to get to know her...." after that, it's like 95% personality.

An attractive personality will make me see them as attractive, and likewise an ugly personality will make me see them as ugly-- more even than the other way around.

It's like a 5 becomes a 9 if she has a winning personality. And a 10 becomes a 3 if she's unkind, full of herself, lazy, entitled, disloyal, dishonest, etc. Lol

 

[MehGuy]

Or there's what is known now as "body positivity" , in other words, people, especially women, embracing their obesity as beautiful.

Even an issue of Sports Illustrated on the front cover put up hefty woman on the front page. Um....this is a magazine for athletes, so what's wrong with this picture?

I'm fine with woman admitting they prefer taller men and how psychologically important it is for them.

I just want the same for men and what they prefer. I get the idea that many women are so delusional these days... and when I say I prefer a woman several years younger than me, they think I'm just lying and only saying so to be a misogynist and simply being mean to women. When these attractions are every bit just as real and valid as their preference for taller men. Really, it's just the other side of the coin. A big reason women find tall men attractive, and masculine is for the protection aspect. Well, men like younger women for the sense of being the protector.

I don't like sounding like a parrot... just skimming through this thread.. and society in general.. I see women being more comfortable airing their preferences compared to men. I'm pretty much just repeating myself now. I've developed a good sense of what and why women and men want certain physical preferences. After a while there really isn't anything new to say about it.. but I just feel like I need to speak up when I see posts start talking about wanting tall men.. because it doesn't seem like any other real men are picking up the slack. The whole thing just becomes lopsided.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I'm fine with woman admitting they prefer taller men and how psychologically important it is for them. The whole thing just becomes lopsided.

It is lopsided because statistically women have a pretty long list of criteria, while men only have a few. Like she's kind of cute, not gorgeous, but cute. Sweet and kind. The basics.

I saw a woman one time in her profile that she was specifically looking for a man that was a small craft pilot. She her ex's, though they tried to join her, eventually got bored of the hobby, while she moved forward with it. She said that this caused the demise of their marriage (him not wanting to participate after so long).

VERY oddly specific criteria NOT to budge on. But hey, "Why settle, and not be happy, right?" Pshh

 

[MehGuy]

It is lopsided because statistically women have a pretty long list of criteria, while men only have a few. Like she's kind of cute, not gorgeous, but cute. Sweet and kind. The basics.

I saw a woman one time in her profile that she was specifically looking for a man that was a small craft pilot. She her ex's, though they tried to join her, eventually got bored of the hobby, while she moved forward with it. She said that this caused the demise of their marriage (him not wanting to participate after so long).

VERY oddly specific criteria NOT to budge on. But hey, "Why settle, and not be happy, right?" Pshh

I agree, I think women have a wider breadth in what they want in a partner. This can sometimes manifest in being more picky, but in other times it makes them less rigid.

Overall, I think men care more about physical looks than women. You can see this in the fossil record. Over thousands of years, mankind has become more neotenous... really you could just phrase it as more feminine. These are traits men select for in women.

An OKCupid study that found women find 80% of men below average and men had a more even bell curve is often brought up. Some say this means women care more about looks than men.. I see the opposite... we're dealing with consequences of men historically having a heaver selection pressure for women's looks. The reason there are less chiseled, hunter eyed, square jawed men is because there has been less selective pressure for it.

While women still prefer that... they also like men who have good careers and financial resources. They're more bendable when it comes to preferences than men are. What men desire on average is much simpler compared to women. There is a discussion about modern dating apps skewing women's perspective... but this really deals with younger women. The average 20 something woman is probably better looking than the average 20 something man... because men's heavy selective pressure made it this way.

Although for women this is heavily based on youthfulness and is a shorter window compared to men's desirability. Women simply peak earlier. I think internet culture (which tends to skew younger) is simply biased towards this fact. Overall... considering the entire human lifespan... I think women and men each face their own challenges and hardships.

It's reality. It's neither a misogynist nor a misandrist.