Devasting effects of divorce on children

[Rajni]

As one who is the child of divorced parents and who is also divorced (very amicably), I can tell you from direct experience that the impact of divorce depends entirely on how it's handled. While it's never easy even under the best of circumstances, I think the more traumatic ones are due to the fact that those involved couldn't handle it with any dignity. Too much selfishness, too much ego, and even too much calling the cops on each other (and this is in Christian split-ups).

I even know a Promise Keeper (remember those?) who's been divorced twice and married 3 times.

Back when we were first married, my ex and I didn't believe in divorce at all, and I felt quite judgmental of anyone who would even consider divorce. Hah! Little did I know how things would be 21 years later.

We are still there for each other, though, and even do things together with the kids. The family bond is still there, even if the documentation is different (oh -- and the sleeping arrangements are different, obviously ). He's done the dating-after-marriage thing (I even met one of his girlfriends -- really nice lady). I, on the other hand, am very, very content to never date again. I've forgotten how to do that.

 

[Saint Nod]

As a former teacher, just about every single child.... and I saw a LOT who went thru divorce.... yep they go thru it too... dropped a couple of grades in their marks...

 

[Goodbook]

I very much doubt children saying its the best thing that ever happened to them..if they do they arent being honest with you and masking it.

I remember reading about britney spears parents. Divorced (no surprise) and how she was claiming her parents divorce it was the best thing that ever happened. And then she goes off the rails and ends up in a pyschiatric ward.

Not saying that children whos parents stay together are immune from going crazy either but when they do, there is more a chance they are going to make it through. With divorced parents if a child ends up off the rails the split parents are going to fight over that too.

 

[Goodbook]

Actually children arent as egocentric as you make out..its only two year olds who are me me me..if a child has gone past that stage they arent automatically thinking my parents are together cos of me...especially if they not an only child. Thats a fallacy.

Children when thinking of parents have no concept that their parents are staying together because of them..parents stay together because they are married to each other. Marriage means you are yoked together. It means for better or for worse, in sickness and in health till death do you part. Notice there is NO VOW about staying together for the sake of children.

However its is selfish to not think children wont be affected. They have their schooling uprooted, they have to go back and forth, they have to act as a middleman for parents that dont communicate with each other. They see this relationship and then think its ok to be dishonest and hide stuff. I knew a girl whos parents had split up and she stayed in an rotten relationship with someone who wouldnt marry her. She couldnt split up with him cos she wanted to hold on to the house. Most children of divorce tell me there is NO WAY they want to be married and they dont want children either. One of the reasons is if they do get married they worry about whats going to happen at their wedding. Nightmare family gathering. Dad cant give me away cos he cant even stand to be in the same room as mum.

 

[Goodbook]

I do think the danger for girls of a certain age is the stepdads if their mum starts having a bf.
Its very common for molestation to occur especially if theres alcohol and drugs involved.

I think divorce too is sometmes even worse than if the parents werent even married, cos they hadnt made the commitment and there for the children while being unclean at leart they have no expectations if for emaple their dad just took offf. They accepting of this.

But for children whos parents were married, and have happy memories up till the time of divorce..this is much more devastting. Their sensee of security is ripped from them. And they have to choose who to live with. I had one girl whos parents were going theough it in primary achool, and she would ask me if your parents divorced who would you choose to live with? I was like ??? Uh...i culdnt not conceive of my parents hating each other so much they couldnt even live with each other.

 

[Goodbook]

It turned out she lived with her mum and her lesbian lover. I didnt really register it at the time though.

In fact I dont remember ever seeing her dad around. Some children I played with in primary school just never seemed to have dads.

 

[Goodbook]

I do think when it comes to the children of divorce forming their own relationships they are on the backfoot.

But really it does come down to a lot of selfishness and teaching children yea, just be selfish and dont bother trying to work things out.
However children soon Get used to be shunted back and forth,I suppose. I do think if things arent working sure go your separate ways but Im not really seeing any tangible benefit of divorce for children from what they tell me..unless the dad did something heinous like beat up the mum, in which case apart from apart from Restraining order needs jail time for abuse not a divorce so he can be free to go beat up someone else again.

 

[Goodbook]

If adultery is treated as a crime rather than just a thing to do so you can get a divorce and marry someone else, then i think it would work cos in jail you locked up and cant adulterate.

Back in OT both gulity parties got stoned. I sometimes think while that harsh, God had a good reason for that instead of allowing divorce.

Not sure about neglect or abandonment/desertion though.

Maybe im just in a not very forgiving mood to think about this. Im just thinking well I dont know what my bible school children are going through these days but i hear a lot about their parents in little snippets of how they cant trust them to always to be there for them. :-( but i also think ive had enough of divocee mothers complaining to me about their sititations, like being single and coping with children. When you married it isnt guaranteed you going to be together all your life either, your husband could die before you.

 

[Acts2:38]

From a biblical perspective, God really never wanted anyone to divorce (Malachi 2). In fact, the gospel only gives just ONE reason anyone would be able to divorce (Matthew 19:9). I suppose 1 Corinthians 7 dives into more discussion on it. I do heavily agree that divorce messes up children and ripple effects all within that sphere of influence. I also believe it impacts society (and their future relations) negatively.

 

[squirrel123]

I grew up with parents who were unhappy together. They did everything "right" - they stayed together, were civil when we were around, etc, but children aren't stupid. I knew they didn't loved each other, and often couldn't stand each other. For many years I was determined to never get married, because I believed that married people automatically stop loving each other. When I was old enough to see that wasn't true, I was still terrified of getting married and being stuck with someone and miserable every day.

I could spend all day describing the evils of growing up with unhappily married parents and the ways in which two separate but happy homes were better, but for now I'll just say that, without ever pretending that divorce is an ideal outcome, it can be and often is the lesser evil.

As for what the Bible says about divorce, I'll admit I am confused/conflicted. I know the Bible says God hates divorce, but I struggle to accept that a loving God would not want what is best for His children, even if what is best is divorce...

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

obviously I would endorse parents staying married no matter what as it's being obedient to the covenant you made with that person per God's Word.

with that said. two people who cannot stand each other staying together can only be seen as merely the least of all evils and just slightly less unbeneficial than a divorce. both greatly damage the children.

 

[sarah0688]

My parents divorced in 2011. I"am an only child. I"am 29 and a college graduate. I live with my mom. My dad lives 30 minutes away from a lady from his first marriage. He does not visit me that often. I feel devastated daily that my parents divorced. I lost so much weight and hair from my scalp too. Divorce is a huge waste of money for the lawyers and it's a waste of time. In my opinion, it destroys the value and love of families and children definetly do suffer. Lawyers, only want money, my parents lawyers forced my parents to sign papers and give away properties. The three of us are daily sad and in debt too. My parents hate eachother and do not speak to each other after the divorce. I lost tons of friends and all the money that my parents had when they were married.

 

[Goodbook]

Haha well my parents sometimes cant stand being around each other but thats life, you go through ups and downs. They made a commitment they going to stick to it. But you see my parents arent christians, so I know they dont truly really love each other the way God does. But am under no illusions that marriage is more than just happiness all the time.

You ARE stuck with each other but you make a choice to actively love each other thats the thing. GOd was stuck with the isralites he made a covenant with them He cant break it. Then He did an amazing thing He RENEWED the covenant with Jesus. So what does that mean for the israelites are they cut off? No they are still welcome at anytime to reconcile with God through Jesus.

 

[Goodbook]

Marriage is a covenant...let me make that clear. God never promised it would be an easy happy ever after thing (at least, without Jesus in the picture)..but if you divorce, it is your children who ultimately miss out on the blessing.

The aftermath of a divorce is not what many parents think about..they only thinking well we not actively fighting, but come on you still hostile to each other its nOw just passive hositility plus you withholding support for your children and breaking their home apart. Children arent geared to live in two places at once. They might try and justify it by say oh I have twice as much love and support and think oh i have twice as much STUFF but really a house divided cannot stand.

And then i also think what a massive waste of time it is for a child to have two homes and not even be sure which parent they really belong to. I have seen children be played off against each parent. One time was staying with a family and i didnt know they were going theough this, their 8 year old was tremebdously affected, she was biting her siblings and not talking to them..her peers were speculating about a new man her mother was taken up with...they had moved house suddenly without telling her why.

 

[Goodbook]

obviously I would endorse parents staying married no matter what as it's being obedient to the covenant you made with that person per God's Word.

with that said. two people who cannot stand each other staying together can only be seen as merely the least of all evils and just slightly less unbeneficial than a divorce. both greatly damage the children.

They could just separate without divorcing, maybe dad could stay in the kennel if hes done something rotten and be let in the house once all is forgiven. Or mum could stay in the garage/car or treehouse. Sometimes you just need space. Take a holiday, do something fun. Dont think oh well we will just divorce. You just making a lot of money for divorce lawyers. You could have spent that money on rebuilding your marriage. If the parents are fighting, the children could go stay with aunty and uncle for a while or granparents till the parents come to their senses and sort their differences out. I mean come on act like adults. if you are both believers divorce ought to be out of the question. We dont settle things by going to court against each other..there is such a thing as forgiveness Jesus paid the price.

 

[Goodbook]

obviously I would endorse parents staying married no matter what as it's being obedient to the covenant you made with that person per God's Word.

with that said. two people who cannot stand each other staying together can only be seen as merely the least of all evils and just slightly less unbeneficial than a divorce. both greatly damage the children.

Two people that both cant stand each other need Jesus. Thats all there is to it.

IF Jesus can reconcile samaritans and jews who hated each other, gentiles and jews who wouldnt even eat with each other, a woman who had five husbands, a woman caught in adultery, a thieving tax collector, people not in their right minds, even someone dead for four days and can forgive and resurrect all these lives...he can do the same for an ailing marriage on the brink of divorce. And he has.

 

[PeterDona]

Good thread Goodbook, nice to have some words on how to deal with divorce issues. My son is in the middle of a struggle between me and his mother. It has helped me to get into some of the hid away issues I had. But really I do not know how good it is for my son. At 13, he can not work out the issues. He is simply too young to deal with the situation. Mother wants to move out of the country to a secret location, and father will not let sonny go with her. So now father is the problem. I do pray a lot about it, and I believe that God has inspired me to let go the bad feelings.

I have heard of a marriage at the brink of divorce, where Jesus came in and totally renewed everything. It does happen, and as a christian we should just always keep in mind that God is awesome, and he just might decide to show up and be awesome in YOUR situation

 

[squirrel123]

Haha well my parents sometimes cant stand being around each other but thats life, you go through ups and downs. They made a commitment they going to stick to it. But you see my parents arent christians, so I know they dont truly really love each other the way God does. But am under no illusions that marriage is more than just happiness all the time.

You ARE stuck with each other but you make a choice to actively love each other thats the thing. GOd was stuck with the isralites he made a covenant with them He cant break it. Then He did an amazing thing He RENEWED the covenant with Jesus. So what does that mean for the israelites are they cut off? No they are still welcome at anytime to reconcile with God through Jesus.

"haha"? You find years of unbroken misery funny?

In my parents' case it was downs only, no ups that I can remember. I know that sounds melodramatic, but I don't have a single memory of them laughing together, or just being happy in each other's company. Did they need Jesus? Perhaps. More likely they should never have married. Their personalities are completely incompatible.

I believe that parents staying together no matter what, model a very unhealthy kind of relationship. I know I spent years figuring out for myself what a marriage should look like.

Of course divorce is hard on children, especially when the parents are too immature to stay focused on what's best for the kids, and use them as pawns in petty emotional battles instead. But when the upheaval is over, there are two happy homes, instead of one miserable one. I don't think that is the worst that can happen. It certainly wasn't for me. If I could change anything, I would have my parents divorce earlier...

 

[SilverBear]

I very much doubt children saying its the best thing that ever happened to them..if they do they arent being honest with you and masking it.

You can doubt all you want but that won't change the truth

 

[LastSeven]

Two people that both cant stand each other need Jesus. Thats all there is to it.

If only it were that simple.