Devasting effects of divorce on children

[denidods]

As one who is the child of divorced parents and who is also divorced (very amicably), I can tell you from direct experience that the impact of divorce depends entirely on how it's handled. While it's never easy even under the best of circumstances, I think the more traumatic ones are due to the fact that those involved couldn't handle it with any dignity. Too much selfishness, too much ego, and even too much calling the cops on each other (and this is in Christian split-ups).

I even know a Promise Keeper (remember those?) who's been divorced twice and married 3 times.

Back when we were first married, my ex and I didn't believe in divorce at all, and I felt quite judgmental of anyone who would even consider divorce. Hah! Little did I know how things would be 21 years later.

We are still there for each other, though, and even do things together with the kids. The family bond is still there, even if the documentation is different (oh -- and the sleeping arrangements are different, obviously ). He's done the dating-after-marriage thing (I even met one of his girlfriends -- really nice lady). I, on the other hand, am very, very content to never date again. I've forgotten how to do that.

I totally agree with you. If the parents show respect and decency towards each other the kids will adjust. So many parents unfairly use their kids to hurt the other parent which is so selfish

 

[noam burde]

I couldn't disagree more. It's a thousand times better for your kids if you stay together. As long as you're civil towards each other in front of the kids.

Yes it's tough for the parents to stay together if they hate each other, but the parents made that choice and that commitment. If it doesn't work out, then the kids should not be the ones to pay the price.

Divorce is a selfish act that the children pay for. It's no wonder the kids become resentful. Suck it up, honour your commitment and put your children first. Even if you end up being nothing more than roommates, it's better for the kids.

also Jesus was crystal clear about this:
matthew 19:8: He told them, “It was because of your hardness of heart that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives. But from the beginning it was not this way. 9 I tell you that whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
also, if you behave at least half ok to each other. you shouldn't be in this situation.

 

[mindlight]

Is it moral to divorce, do parents ever really stop to think about the effects it has on their children?

Im suspecting not. I've known so many children of divorce..it really messes them up. :-(

Divorce is a sin. The number of times I have heard spouses who divorced question their decisions afterwards speaks for itself. But so also the relational instability that followed, the damage that is done to their kids education, social support networks, emotional security, trust etc.

The only divorces that I know of that seem to have worked out have been of childless marriages and there only for the person who was not the initiator of the divorce.

 

[Goodbook]

If only it were that simple.

It is that simple. Divorce complicates things. You choose to be happy and think of others. You dont mess up peoples lives and break peoples homes apart. I havent seen any happy divorces..they only fooling themselves. Ive seen a remarried divorced couple fight like cat and dog in public and they were meant to be both christians.it was nasty.

 

[Goodbook]

At first i thought. Oh wonderful love story you both remarried after your divorces to each other..but then ok the daughter of one of the marriages is shunted off to boarding school. The ex wife lives just down the road. The new wife has a thosuand acre farm to look after. The ex husband is elsewhere and who knows where their children are. Then in public they blow up at each other in a way I have NEVER see married for life couples do over something as ridiculous as adding salt to fish and chips.

Im like what. Hookay...

 

[Goodbook]

You can doubt all you want but that won't change the truth

You sound deluded sorry. The truth is God hates divorce.

I have talked with a lot of deluded divorcees thinking they would be happy if they remarried again, and so they get their own children to advise dates for them.

Some of the dates they have their eyes on are only just barely older than the children themselves.

 

[Goodbook]

I totally agree with you. If the parents show respect and decency towards each other the kids will adjust. So many parents unfairly use their kids to hurt the other parent which is so selfish

Sadly I have never seen divorced parents show respect and dececny to each other..they dont talk to each other, for a start. The children adjust by either medicating, self harm or overachieving but they have to make their own way in life and its much harder. Then their children miss out because the parents are working so hard on getting ahead or their own affairs. If a parent is so consumed with providing they neglect to spend time with their children ...the children are the ones who end up parenting the parents. Children of divorced parents are driven in a way that children of married parents are not. i notice the difference..are they adjusted? Well yea but emotionally they are not in a good place, they not in a position to do anything about it. Ive had them say to me yea my parents cant sort their stuff out. Is divvorce the answer? No, as christians its Jesus, divorce is basicaly a cop out. If you cannot go through the hard times together as vows says for better or for WORSE..then you wont ever see the sweet fruits of what adversity and sufferring can teach. You just close the door on any miracle God can work on you. Would you go to a church and ask for a divorce minister?

If divorce is such a wonderful idea, why arent there divorce minsters in every church? I tell you why its because singles are tired of bearing the burden of al,these divorcees either latching on to them or prowling round churches hoping for a business opportunity, or new marriage partner instead of you know actually forgiving their spouses reconciling with the parent of their children, repenting and NOT sinning anymore. Or is it just too hard. You both made the vow, stick with it.

 

[Goodbook]

I had a divorcee parent cadge off other for rides to take her daughter to hospital appointments. She could have just asked the daughters dad (or learned to drive) but no, she had to put out everyone else.

Another divorcee asked me if I would dogsit whilst she was on holiday when her exhusband could have done it. Ugh. Look ladies these are youur childrens DADS. I am NOT called to be the husband subsititue or dad. The dads could have done it if the mums had just asked. For their childrens sake. Their dad is NOT dead hes alive and breathing just let him be the dad.

Just because someone is divorced doesnt mean these children no longer are allowed to have a dad.

The worst thing is when these divorcees are comntemplating having a replacement dad for their children. I just feel sick thinking about this. Who knows how the stepdad is going to treat the children who arent even his. Anyway. Theres also something hardened about divorcees that ive come across if they arent christian as if theyve completely written of their exes and become selfish in their pursuit of pleasure. Its like the parable of the two sons, one said I will then didnt do it. The other said he wouldnt but then obeyed. The first sos is like those who married and then divorced...they said I will (or I do)and then. they just didnt or dont. Im thinking well what a waste and a sham of a wedding then.

 

[GeorgeJ]

You sound deluded sorry. The truth is God hates divorce.

....and there are a lot of other things he hates which we are all guilty of. Being a judgemental busy-body is one of them.

You're the one who sounds deluded.

You've never been married. You've never had or raised children, and you have no experience in the matter.

Teaching children in church class is a far cry from raising them. It's easy to sit back on your high horse and judge. Until you've lived your life in someone else's shoes, maybe you should keep your ill-advised opinions and assumptions to yourself.

 

[Dave-W]

Two people that both cant stand each other need Jesus. Thats all there is to it.

What about a guy that believes Jesus wants him to physically beat his wife into submission? The guy in question was a seminary trained former pastor .....

 

[Dave-W]

I had a divorcee parent cadge off other for rides to take her daughter to hospital appointments. She could have just asked the daughters dad .....
Another divorcee asked me if I would dogsit whilst she was on holiday when her exhusband could have done it. Ugh.

That sounds normal. If a couple can get along and be civil to one another enough to ask for such stuff, they had no business divorcing.

 

[Dave-W]

Divorce is a selfish act that the children pay for.

Is it selfish to try to keep you and your kids alive?

 

[Goodbook]

I would say for the children there is no way they are 'better off' after their parents divorce.

If someone has a parent thats got issues like drugs, alcohol and abuse or adultery, and there is divorce so that the spouse can then continue on sinning I do not understand why it seems ok the children are then exposed to this on their OWN with that parent. The spouse is not allowed to contact the other spouse but then its ok to expose the children? Um shouldnt that person be in JAIL and serve some time not divorced? At least in jail its a space where someone can repent and make the effort to change. If someone gets a divorce and then marries again its just allowing that person to continue to be an adulterer...and also allows or makes the spouse after they divorce to become an adulterer too. Then they go on this silly re-marriage go round thinking this time it will work.

 

[Dave-W]

The only divorces that I know of that seem to have worked out have been of childless marriages and there only for the person who was not the initiator of the divorce.

Here is a situation for you:

A couple - dad is a former pastor, mom is a school teacher. Both have been believers since childhood. They have 2 children - a boy 7 and a girl 2.

Dad believes in a firm hand, that he is the master of his house and it is a biblical command to beat his wife and kids into submission. He beats the boy almost to the point of unconsciousness to "make him a man" several times a week for no reason. (just to teach him how not to be a crybaby) One evening after breaking several of his wife's bones, she leaves with the children. She then files for divorce.

So she is the guilty one for initiating the divorce?

 

[Dave-W]

I very much doubt children saying its the best thing that ever happened to them..if they do they arent being honest with you and masking it.

I may not say it was the BEST thing, (that was deciding to follow Jesus) but I will say it was a very good thing that my mom divorced my dad. I probably would have ended up dead at his hand in another year or 2.

No - when he remarried and had 2 more sons, (they are about the same age as my kids) they never experienced that kind of violence from him.

 

[Goodbook]

Adultery, inappropriate contentography, addiction and abuse arent only crimes against a spouse but also crimes toward children. Why people think divorce is the answer so they can go ahead remarry and do it to someone else is beyond me. People seem to think if someone divorces then they no longer have any parental responisbilty either they not allowed or even prevented from taking this responisbilty to even prove themselves.

All the people ive known whove divorced with children did it so they could be free to marry someone else. When they didnt have this for whatever reason they turned bitter. I would be thinking, ok you divorced, and now you telling me you want to marry again? Are you out of your mind?!

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

....and there are a lot of other things he hates which we are all guilty of. Being a judgemental busy-body is one of them.

You're the one who sounds deluded.

You've never been married. You've never had or raised children, and you have no experience in the matter.

Teaching children in church class is a far cry from raising them. It's easy to sit back on your high horse and judge. Until you've lived your life in someone else's shoes, maybe you should keep your ill-advised opinions and assumptions to yourself.

Well, I'm reading "Goodbook"'s posts and am SUPER thrilled that someone is speaking the Truth, and calling it as it is!

I am experienced.. my parents got divorced when I was 16 yrs old.. I didn't see it coming (teenagers usually are in their own world, especially the un-churched ones as I was), they never fought around me - my mom met a man at work, it turned into lust, she threw my dad's stuff out of the house, and her new man moved in with us. She claimed she had been unhappy with my dad for many years. She fed me all the lies - "sometimes people fall out of love".. blah blah blah

This is what was modeled for me as a 16 yr old, and over my dead body will I ever divorce and do that to my children. I won't drag my story out, but pretty much everything Goodbook said rang true for me -- I self-medicated, and pretty much destroyed my life for the next 5-10 yrs until Christ saved me... AND to this day (I'm 47 now), it still hurts - a hole that can't be filled, and after a REALLY long journey, I have forgiven my mom.

Been married 23 yrs, 2 teenagers, and marriage is HARD really HARD, and lots of times we can't stand each other.. but you ENDURE, die to self, walk by the Spirit and let HIM transform you and HE will empower us, and HE will resurrect a marriage -- IT'S HIS WILL and YES! it's that simple.

 

[Dave-W]

Well, I'm reading "Goodbook"'s posts and am SUPER thrilled that someone is speaking the Truth, and calling it as it is!

Thank you for saying my mom made a mistake and we both should have been killed in the early 1960s.

 

[Dave-W]

People seem to think if someone divorces then they no longer have any parental responsibility either they not allowed or even prevented from taking this responsibility to even prove themselves.

dad moved to a different state to avoid paying child support for my sister and I.
[/QUOTE]All the people ive known whove divorced with children did it so they could be free to marry someone else. [/QUOTE]
Not my dad or my mom. They both eventually remarried but it was years later. More than 10 years in my dad's case.

 

[GeorgeJ]

Well, I'm reading "Goodbook"'s posts and am SUPER thrilled that someone is speaking the Truth, and calling it as it is!

I am experienced.. my parents got divorced when I was 16 yrs old.. I didn't see it coming (teenagers usually are in their own world, especially the un-churched ones as I was), they never fought around me - my mom met a man at work, it turned into lust, she threw my dad's stuff out of the house, and her new man moved in with us. She claimed she had been unhappy with my dad for many years. She feed me all the lies - "sometimes people fall out of love".. blah blah blah

This is what was modeled for me as a 16 yr old, and over my dead body will I ever divorce and do that to my children. I won't drag my story out, but pretty much everything Goodbook said rang true for me -- I self-medicated, and pretty much destroyed my life for the next 5-10 yrs until Christ saved me... AND to this day (I'm 47 now), it still hurts - a hole that can't be filled, and after a REALLY long journey, I have forgiven my mom.

Been married 23 yrs, 2 teenagers, and marriage is HARD really HARD, and lots of times we can't stand each other.. but you ENDURE, die to self, walk by the Spirit and let HIM transform you and HE will empower us, and HE will resurrect a marriage -- IT'S HIS WILL and YES! it's that simple.

That's your experience, and for every experience like yours, there is one that's opposite.

BTW, I've been married 34 years, never divorced, two adult children; however, I have been close enough to divorces in my close family to know that it often needs to happen, and in spite of what you and the totally inexperienced OP believe, the children are better for it.