Devasting effects of divorce on children

[Goodbook]

This is an interesting passage..the saduccees didnt believe in the resurrection and were only thinking of earthly things

Matthew 22:23-30

I mean you may be married now but you not going to be married in heaven so divorce really dont change things eternally its just that on earth marriage is there for a reason and its not so you can marry sven different people in this case they still held to death do you part anyway. The power of God is that if you do marry God can give you both a marriage that will last. Howver for those that are single its far better to remain so....given the amount of drama married and divorcing couples seem to go through..oy.

Its really about keeping your Word, and as christians thats what you do..keep your word, let your yes be your yes and your no be no. If you goin gto be married then you both better actually think before you say YES.

 

[GeorgeJ]

...if your parents divorced amicably when you were too young to even remember that is kind of diifferent scenario but it still has its effects on you since you become quite defensive about it dont you?

Are you the only one who can't see that the divorce is NOT what Standfordella became defensive about? Standfordella became defensive because you are being so offensive....and you really don't have a clue what you're talking about because you're single, you've never been married, and never been in a situation where divorce may be in question.

 

[Goodbook]

My parents' divorce led to positive effects on my life. Yes, I'm sure it was painful for them, and I know that it has required continuous effort throughout the years to coordinate their parenting so we experienced no detrimental impacts and instead only derived benefit. I have a much older brother who does vividly remember their divorce, and is not scarred by it in any way. Quite the contrary, he looks back at that time with respect for how well they handled it. He said they also did an excellent job shielding him from the stress, anxiety and grief from my hospitalizations, and that he had a very happy childhood. I have a stepsister who is in her 30s and has also felt blessed by her dad's (my stepdad) marriage to my mom. She was their maid of honor in the wedding, and my mom was the matron of honor in hers last year.

I was mildly defensive because I felt that your post was a bit hurtful and offensive, though I trust that wasn't your intent. I wanted to make it unequivocally clear that my parents' divorce and subsequent remarriages had no social or financial motives, and was done with grace and respect.

Did your stepparents have more children together? Whos name do you carry? Sorry i am confused. Your stepparents were married previously as well? So what happened to your stepsisters mum. Or where they in a defacto releationship, not a marriage..there is a difference.

 

[Goodbook]

Also just how far apart did your parents live like were they next door to each other or in the same neighbourhood could they pop over and see each other. Did they go to the same church?

 

[Goodbook]

The thing with divorcees is of course only telling you their side of the story..not really what God sees and what breaks his heart. I think its quite difficult NOT to be a bit judgemental when dealing with breakups of others.

So if im seeming judgemental well you kind of have to be using dscernemtt and not just blithly say oh its ok? Cos if someone is hurting through sinful action of others its NOT OK. Especially if you need to be around to pick up the pieces. Thsoe pieces cannot be mended if somones deliberately broken them and made it so it cannot ever be mended. I know God doesnt like divorce I can tell you that much. But if there is forgiveness Hes able to bring about good from these situations.

If peoole humble themselves and just admit well, we didnt really mean the vows, we will divorce and mean it next time if we ever make vows. And both of them know this, well Im sure God can work it for peoples good if they do that.

 

[Elliewaves]

Hurting people bc they are divorced, gossiping about tthem and their children , and implying their children are beyond help is not okay either. You can say something is a sin or encourage people to stay together without being an in compassionate mean person about it or tearing someone down. Do you think God is proud of that behavior ? And as for causing unnecessary drama and being demanding/ needy, some singles are just as guilty as all these divorces you can't stand. You are on here moaning about thinking of the children, and when a child of divorce politely responded to you , you were extremely rude.

 

[Goodbook]

Because God did say He could graft the isralites back in. I mean in terms of spiriutal covenant. I think the pain is most acute when one of the divorcee is single and the other divorcee is not. There is deifinitely a thing where child ends up caring for their now solo parent.

I had once divorcee say to me her daughters are like mothers to her. She thinks its a good thing but i have spoken to the daughters and they roll their eyes. Children end up taking on a lot of responisbilty when their parents split and remain single. If they happen to get along with the new bf or gf its a good thing of course but in many cases they dont or reserve how they really feel. I guess it does depend on how lon the marriage lasted. If they dont remmeber any good times and were really young of course theres nothing much to base it on.

 

[Goodbook]

Matthew 1:19 shows Joseph wanting to divorce Mary, but doing it privately so as not to shame her. Of course if you trying to make the best of a situation such as this Joseph thought he was doing the right thing..from what they KNOW but often its not really seeing how God will work in this.

I sometimes imagine well how would Jesus have grown up without an earthly dad or someone who wasnt Joseph...but see his lineage was importnat thats how his claim to be Messiah was legit. Through Joseph.

 

[squirrel123]

Goodbook - I take it that you don't consider divorcees to be your "neighbour"?

I say that because you are not displaying any love towards them on this thread (quite the opposite!), and God did, after all, command us to love our neighbour as we love ourselves....

 

[Goodbook]

On the contrary I was out with the a divorcee and her daughter today. She has been through a really tough time and every so often i do notice she takes it out on her daughter..and other friends.

We went to see amusical with my bible teacher and her husband..actually she goes to the same church the ex husband goes to. To protect or shield her daughter this bible teacher was tellingme she cannot teach the ten commandments because one of them explictly says about adultery. I mean this daughter knows as shes the middle child of theee sisters her dad has been with three women and married once (her mother) who gave him a divorce but there are certain things we cannot say in front of children. Is she showing love by witholiding the truth or not discussing it. I dont know. If I am not showing love by discussing and being honest about sin then i dont knkw what you suppose d to do if aomeone kills someone else keep quiet about it?

 

[Goodbook]

It is not like I ever bring up the topic with her.
However another divorcee was always bringing up the topic because she WANTED to talk about it. In the end I told her look I am not the one to talk to. Talk to your ex to sort things out not me or talk to someeone whos been through a divorce because its your burden nOt mine and I dont understand it. just because I dont fully understand doesnt mean I dont care or love you. It just means I am very confused by your actions!

So it really is no use talking to me. Its very simple in the bible about what God thinks on divorce. It doesnt mean he hates you personally he just hates what was done. Because its a huge mess and often its left for other people to clean up.

It shows itself in little things which is why ive had to distance myself from divorcees they can be very monopolising of your time..but I try to encourage fellowship with other believers which Is why i asked more to go along in a group. Ive noticed divorcees if they get you alone at a bad time can treat you really badly.

At one point i did call the pastor for prayer about this friend as she was kind of lashing out at me, and I dont like to see her lash out at her daughter.

 

[Goodbook]

The daughter is turning 13 or is it 14 this year and so may be at an age coming into puberty when things like adultery can be discussed. But well..if she knows already then, its something she has to deal with sooner or later. Dad was unfaithful.

I think the bible teacher was saying she cant teach children what adultery means especially when many of the children probably have parents who are or have been unfaithful. Maybe its too devastating for children to handle. I know if my parents were unfaithful to each other, even if I was an adultt I would be devatasted. It isnt the case of logistics of being apart..but maybe just the betrayal of the family unit. That somewhere along the way this person lied.

 

[Goodbook]

I consider the children of the divorced parents to be my neighbours AS THEY ARE THE ONES DIRECTLY AFFECTED by their parents sin. They need compassion, wheras the parents...well. sad to say they the ones responsible and abdicated this responsibility to others.

It will have legal ramifications further down the track. I know some stepparents do the loving thing and adopt stepchildren as their own. But I dont know if that happens all the time. Most times children of divorced parents are left to make their own way.

 

[Goodbook]

If the children arent christians thats where we can pray for them to be adopted by our Heavenly Father who will NEVER leave nor forsake them.

I think thats the important thing...the children knowing their Lord and saviour. Thankfully the daughters of the divorcees I know show signs of faith, two go to youth group and reading the bible the other has a strong faith and goes to christian school and demonstrates a vibrant rleationship with Jesus.

 

[Goodbook]

Hmm. Maybe it just doesnt matter what parents do as long as the children are prayed for and protected. But i would still think christian parents are called to higher standards and to be an example to their children.

It isnt very loving to divorce and then and burden your children with stuff. Again people arent really thinking others as. MOre than themselves in A divorce. Its not rocket science to point this out. Sure there are exceptions but not really that I can see and it soes seem like as the bible teacher says she has to avoid the topic. Its like a taboo to even say this.

 

[com7fy8]

Prevention is better.

There are single people whose ways already are preparing them to get a divorce.

With God, we can learn how to do things His way so we don't get a divorce.

By the time a number of people get their divorces, they have for years been preparing to get one, simply by not doing things God's way. This is not true about everyone, but people, even while they are still single, can be a divorce waiting to happen, because of how they do things and because of not doing all the Bible means for us all to do.

For just one example > God's word says,

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

If you do only what our Father has you doing in His peace, He will guide you to marry the one He knows is right for you. Then . . . at each point . . . when you have problems, you both simply stop and reset in God's peace, then keep with doing what He has you doing in His love

Ephesians 4:31-5:2, Colossians 3:19,. Ephesians 5:21, 1 Peter 5:3, James 1:19-20, Philippians 2:13-16, Ephesians 4:1-3, 1 Peter 3:8-9, 1 Peter 5:5-11.

Clearly God's word shows He expects this of us, and therefore this is a realistic expectation. And any of us can start with Him in this, now. He is able.

None of us is ever excused from obeying God in His peace > this is part of our basic love calling as Christians. So, no matter what another spouse may do, we are not excused. So, this is not only a moral and ethical issue, but between us and God . . . how we need to find out how to love.

If we are not preparing for this, in getting ready for marriage, then what are we really getting ready to do??

And in case parents are not starting right away to learn God's way, they will not be ministering for their children to be strong in the LORD (Ephesians 6:10) and His way of loving; and so the children will indeed be weak enough to be basket cases when their parents abuse each other and break up.

Therefore, this is not only about what to do which is moral, at the end-stage of the game after ones have become worse enough to get a divorce. A marriage can get worse because one or both of the spouses got worse, not obeying Philippians 2:13-16 and Hebrews 13:5. But any of us can gain God's correction, then enjoy His love's perfection > Luke 9:23, Matthew 11:28-30, Hebrews 12:4-11, 1 John 4:17-18.

And have compassion on any of us who can fail > Hebrews 5:2, Galatians 6:1. We can help each other > James 5:16. And if our parents did fail, trust and depend on our Heavenly Father to parent us right And get wise to however any wrong parents did not bring us up to be strong in Jesus loving, and do not allow evil to keep deciding how we are >

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21)

Yes, I have been a child of a divorce, and now I see how both my mom and dad were wrong. And then I became self-righteously judging of them. So, I was capable of stupid nonsense of the devil, too. But Jesus died with compassion with hope for any of us to have peace in sharing with God and our real Jesus family people > His grace almighty is able to correct and heal us and change us into how His love is and has us relating in very close relationships as family

So, we thank You, our Father, for however You now win in us

 

[squirrel123]

Hmm. Maybe it just doesnt matter what parents do as long as the children are prayed for and protected. But i would still think christian parents are called to higher standards and to be an example to their children.

It isnt very loving to divorce and then and burden your children with stuff. Again people arent really thinking others as. MOre than themselves in A divorce. Its not rocket science to point this out. Sure there are exceptions but not really that I can see and it soes seem like as the bible teacher says she has to avoid the topic. Its like a taboo to even say this.

And there you go with the judgement again. I'm only going to post this one more time, so please read it slowly and try to comprehend:
1. I am a child of divorced parents.
2. My parents' marriage was toxic and damaging, not only to them, but also very much to my sister and I. Children aren't stupid. You can't hide a broken relationship from them.
3. Their divorce was a relief to all four of us.
4. My life was better after the divorce than before.
5. You are not helping children by encouraging parents to stay in a toxic marriage.

Making a marriage work is first prize, but since we are all sinful, it isn't always possible. Second prize is two happy, stable homes, not one full of hurt and strife.

 

[Elliewaves]

You can state that something is a sin and even discuss the damaging effects of sin without making broad sweeping general statements that are hateful towards divorcees and their children. Several children of divorce replied with their own experiences that were counter to your narrative and you were quite dismissive and implied they were liars or they were defensive b/c they can't see things clearly. That is a horrible way to respond to people. Most people have agreed with your op that divorce is a sin and not ideal, but that it happens and it's not always so simple just to patch things up. Divorce is something that breaks God's heart, but so does all sin. It's not the unforgivable sin. It's not the most terrible sin. Sadly, it happens, but the divorced persons and their children are not beyond hope. You seem personally angry with divorced people because they are in your life and dare to ask you things or confide in you. Wishing they would just consider their vows or get back with their ex so you don't have to deal with them or their children.... is not real love towards them. A Bible teacher CAN lovingly express that adultery is wrong and saddens God without personally attacking a child's parents. If she can't share God's truths in a proper age appropriate way without making children feel attacked or guilty for their parent's issues (that they have NO control over), then she shouldn't be working with children and is a lousy Bible teacher.

I have no dog in the fight. I am not divorced nor am I a child of divorce. I do believe people should think of their children or who they marry BEFORE they marry them. But, life is not always as simple as we want it to be and condemning people or beating them into the ground for something that is already done and over is not what God wants us to do either. Fakely pretending to care about the children of divorce and then just dismissing them or gossiping about their home life isn't okay as well.

 

[Rajni]

Its really about keeping your Word, and as christians thats what you do..keep your word, let your yes be your yes and your no be no. If you goin gto be married then you both better actually think before you say YES.

Tellya what. Why not wait until you yourself have been married for 20+ years and then get back to us about the 'evils' of divorce. I would be quite surprised if you weren't singing a different tune at that point.

-

 

[Lulav]

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