abusive boyfriend...

[SharonL]

There is some wonderful loving advice in this thread. I am backing out of posting because I have not been through the abuse, but please know that I am praying for you and pray that you will take the advice from people who have been through this awful treatment. Please know you have people who cares and who is sending prayers straight to the Throne of God for you. God showed me that the angels will take each prayer as a shaft of light and begin to answer them for you, but you have to do the reaching - and I pray that God gives you the strength to do that.

You are a beautiful person and God knows your heart and sees the brokenness of this heart. Please allow Jesus to wrap His arms around you and start your healing and please allow that baby to have the chance to show you what real love is.

 

[Criada]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, sweetie.
The people here are right - going back never works. You need to be safe and have time andf space to work out what to do.
You are very precious to God, sister, and so is your little one. Please protect yourself and your baby - it may seem impossible now, but I promise that you will be glad in time.

Praying for you

 

[Catherineanne]

No. no one will ever be able to love me becosue im nothing. and I dont have a faimly who cares like your cousin does...hes all i have...

You will find someone to love you, in time, but first you have to love yourself. We can show you how to do this, and others can as well. You are very, very precious, and very special. There will be safety, and there will be love for you.

Stay safe.

May the Lord be with you, now and always.

 

[mjmcmillan]

I tried going back after a twenty-year time between marriages. Second time around was worse than the first, though at the beginning of round 2 it seemed she really had changed for the better. Nope.

There is one, and one only way it ever gets better. That is when the abuser hurts so much that for him or her to live another day like that is intolerable and they seek help-- for real, not just for show. Until that day, you have the endless cycle -- honeymoon followed by relapse followed by "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" followed by honeymoon followed by--- well, I reckon you can see where this is going.

Until that day, you have to get away from the abuser and seek help for yourself.

You're worth a lot more than you think, regardless of the felgercarb the abuser fills your head with. You are somebody, God don't make no junk.

 

[somescarsneverheal]

I feel like im nothing but junk. I feel like im nothing but some sex toy for guys. First I grow up being sexually abuse by my dad an rape by my uncle and now my boyfriend does all those plus physical and verbal abuse. I just want to give him a chance...I want him to love me. I just need to know if he really doesnt love me...

 

[PassionFruit]

I feel like im nothing but junk. I feel like im nothing but some sex toy for guys. First I grow up being sexually abuse by my dad an rape by my uncle and now my boyfriend does all those plus physical and verbal abuse. I just want to give him a chance...I want him to love me. I just need to know if he really doesnt love me...

I know you just want him to love you, I know you want him to stop being abusive towards you. But you don't deserve this kind of treatment. You deserve someone who won't be abusive towards you.

There are places for you to seek help. You can talk to someone about how you're feeling. Have you called any of these domestic violence hotlines in this thread? You can PM me if you like, and it won't bother me. I also want to give you some more resources so you can seek help.

 

[somescarsneverheal]

I moved back in...=/

 

[SiyoNqoba]

Oh, honey...

What do you think is going to happen now?

 

[mjmcmillan]

Oh, honey...

What do you think is going to happen now?

Three guesses, the first two don't count. I hope I'm wrong, but personal experience and information found here and elsewhere on the Internet is not encouraging.

It has to hurt so bad that the situation becomes intolerable for even another moment. Then and only then can we--or anybody else-- be of much help.

There's a lot of wisdom in those 12-step programs, especially in the first couple of steps.

Add-on note: During the first marriage, I went through a time of leaving the abuse and then coming back, on the promise that it would be better. It never was, and I finally had to call it six months into that marriage. A twenty-year break followed, then I went back for round two. That marriage lasted two years, this time I only left once-- for good. I can tell you truthfully, until I was ready to acknowledge that the situation was impossible there is little that anybody else could have done to meaningfully help.

 

[somescarsneverheal]

He loves me okay. I know he does.

 

[Johnnz]

Real love doesn't hurt people. And he would be off to get help if he did really want to treat you properly.

John
NZ

 

[katautumn]

I feel like im nothing but junk. I feel like im nothing but some sex toy for guys. First I grow up being sexually abuse by my dad an rape by my uncle and now my boyfriend does all those plus physical and verbal abuse. I just want to give him a chance...I want him to love me. I just need to know if he really doesnt love me...

That's the devil speaking lies to you. You're worth so much. If you're nothing but junk because you have been abused, then that must mean I'm nothing but junk too. But I know I'm not. I know that I have a Heavenly Father who sees me and you and every child of His as His treasure.

Of course you want him to love you. Nothing is more natural than wanting to be loved. And I can tell you right now he doesn't truly love you. He loves you, but it's in his way and his way is hurtful and dangerous and isn't truly love at all. It's a twisted sort of hold he wants to have over you. A man who loves you would never hit you, call you names, make you live in fear or demand that you kill your baby in the womb. That isn't love. That is abusive control.

Here is what you need to do. You need to pray for God to give you strength. And then, when it is safe, you run. You go to the nearest police station and you tell them you need to go to a women's shelter. That is where women go when they don't have someone they can stay with, family or friend-wise, but they need a safe place. Most are undisclosed locations to protect the women who stay there, but the police department should be able to take you to one.

I'm praying for you. I hope you will get out of there so you and your baby will be safe.

 

[rowantree]

Praying for you somescars. Praying for you and your precious little baby, and for your protection, and that you can know that you are loved and loveable. Please keep on coming back here and letting us know how you are. God bless you precious sister. xx

 

[Catherineanne]

I feel like im nothing but junk. I feel like im nothing but some sex toy for guys. First I grow up being sexually abuse by my dad an rape by my uncle and now my boyfriend does all those plus physical and verbal abuse. I just want to give him a chance...I want him to love me. I just need to know if he really doesnt love me...

I am afraid, like your uncle and your dad, your abuser does not understand what love is. They think it is about them getting what they want; when they get it they are happy and they feel good, and they think that good feeling is love. It isn't.

Love is about giving to the other person, regardless of whether we feel good or not; in other words it is what YOU are offering to these people. They are incapable of that feeling.

When you find someone who is willing to put you and your needs first, and forget their own needs as long as you are unwell, or unhappy or hurt, then you will have found love.

What you have known so far is not genuine. I pray that when you hold your child in your arms you will know what real love is, and you will no longer settle for this fake, abusive kind.

You have to decide this one for yourself. You have to want better, and you have to know that you deserve better. Plenty of people here care enough to tell you what to do; now it is up to you to think this through as carefully as you can, and make a decision. None of us can do this for you; it is your life and it has to be your choice.

God be with you.

 

[Catherineanne]

I moved back in...=/

Don't worry, honey. You had no choice really, did you? You still think he loves you, and you did what any of us will do when we are stressed; you went home.

It is only when we are abuse victims that home is not the place to go; in any other stressful event of our lives we will naturally want to be at home. In this situation, home is the very worst place to be, but we will still want to be there.

Very often, when abused women return to their abusers, those who are trying to help them will get exasperated and give up trying to help. I am here to tell you that if it takes you five years, as it took me, I will not give up trying to help you. I am here for you.

He will hurt you again. When he does, have somewhere to go. Think about it now, while you have a bit of time. This is the fantasy bit, where he will try to be extra nice for a short time; make use of it to think for yourself, and try to see the pattern that happens over and over.

And plan an escape route, because you are going to need it.

May God be with you.

 

[Catherineanne]

He loves me okay. I know he does.

He loves you in his own way, but that is not really love. It is nothing like it.

You know this as well as we do. His love is nothing like yours, is it?

 

[rowantree]

I, too, understand why you went back sweetheart. Catherineanne has said so many things that are so true. But I too will be here for you whatever, as I know why you went back, and what stresses you are under. I will go on praying for you and your baby. You are both precious.

 

[PassionFruit]

I moved back in...=/

The cycle is going to continue. I'm sure he told you how much he loves you and how he'll never hurt you again, but that's how abusers are. But it's all manipulation and control. Sweetie the posters and I are concerned about your safety.

Please continue to post and please talk to someone at a domestic violence hotline, you need a lot of support.

I, too, understand why you went back sweetheart. Catherineanne has said so many things that are so true. But I too will be here for you whatever, as I know why you went back, and what stresses you are under. I will go on praying for you and your baby. You are both precious.

I know it's hard to understand (I don't get it either) but this is typical. Many victims go back to their abusers, just from this entire thread it's not hard to see she's attatched, I know it sounds crazy. somescarsneverheal just wants him to stop abusing her.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Don't worry, honey. You had no choice really, did you? You still think he loves you, and you did what any of us will do when we are stressed; you went home.

It is only when we are abuse victims that home is not the place to go; in any other stressful event of our lives we will naturally want to be at home. In this situation, home is the very worst place to be, but we will still want to be there.

Very often, when abused women return to their abusers, those who are trying to help them will get exasperated and give up trying to help. I am here to tell you that if it takes you five years, as it took me, I will not give up trying to help you. I am here for you.

He will hurt you again. When he does, have somewhere to go. Think about it now, while you have a bit of time. This is the fantasy bit, where he will try to be extra nice for a short time; make use of it to think for yourself, and try to see the pattern that happens over and over.

And plan an escape route, because you are going to need it.

May God be with you.

Amen, seconded.

Somescarsneverheal, when you check back with us all here whilst you're still at home (with your boyfriend) I'd urge you to do so at somewhere like an internet cafe or your Aunty's. Keep your password for CF here safe and secure too. Cover your tracks when you seek help online especially for the time period that he's being nice. Delete your browsing history if you must share a computer with him.

Please please take what Catherineanne said above - you're like family for us all here and we're worried for you.

May the Lord bless and keep you always. We're all here for you

 

[rowantree]

I second what Lotuspetal said as well. Please please make sure, somescars, that you can always get back in here, to us. We all care so much.