30s & Never Dated

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

They say they're told God has 'the one' for them. So they think it's the first guy they fall in love w/. Guys know this & use it to their advantage. For example they abuse them. Then they won't get out of the relationship b/c God wouldn't want that.

This is what they were saying on Reddit. I don't even know why I go to Reddit other than there's a couple sub-Reddits I really like. For the most part, it's a pretty secular site.

Wow, is that poor teaching or what that the girls have to get past!

 

[timewerx]

There is no bible verses that say that God will bring together a man and women. Nor is there any verse about "soulmate" or "the one". So dont listen to people like that.

I think there's a few in the Old Testament. However, I don't regard the Old Testament as a life model to follow.

You are correct if we look at the Bible in the big picture perspective.

Many things about the Old Testament is predestination leading to the birth of Christ. Some rules had to be bent. The real teachings did not happen until Jesus came.

 

[KJ91]

I think there's a few in the Old Testament. .

There is not.

 

[timewerx]

There is not.

Not in the sense of soulmates but in terms of arranged marriages. Like God had already appointed a spouse for you.

But of course, it does not apply to Christians of today. It only happened in the Old Testament so that Jesus can be born. The lineage of Christ is already decided.

Today or in the New Testament, getting married to someone is now of little importance. In fact Apostle Paul even said it's better to be single.

The world tells you it's better to be married but that's the world. As Christians, we do not operate in the same rules of the world.

 

[christiansoccerplayer]

It will get better when you reach the age of 40 with less raging hormones.

not really. I'm 44 and still have desires.

 

[DragonFox91]

If it gets better, it probably means I'm going to be single my whole life after all.

There is not.

We know thru our own life experiences that he does. For some. Maybe even many. Not all.

 

[Niels]

Edit: Reply removed because I felt it was off topic.

 

[sampa]

she wasn't particularly crazy about the people there.

Yes! I didn't focus on looking for someone, I made it my mission to help the leadership in bringing some kind of continuity, fellowship and attracting healthy Christians to involve themselves in the ministry and bring some kind of stable structure. Which is probably the group of friends that I have more than 10 years later now.

Apparently, they were socially awkward personalities, thus her reason for being on the site.

I totally agree and some were outright dangerous. I can think of at least four that I was concerned about the safety of others. I was friends with one of them and we carpool because of the distance. But some years later I found about his past because it came out with his anger issues and ending up in the news. He used me as a reference for moving, and I didn't know it until a week after I talked to his new landlord. After I found out I called her to let her know since she had a prior tenant with anger issues that she was very scared of. That one conversation led to an invitation to have breakfast with her, she was a recent widow and she found me soothing. When we met up I let her know about what I had just found out, but she said that he was up front and let her know about it. She seems like a woman that would be able to handle him and take her under his wing. He wasn't too big of a guy and the fact that he was a repentant Christian. I might still be friends with him to this day if he didn't have such interest in me. He actually ended up working for my agency for a short time, I kind of think it was because of the proximity to me. He did use me as a reference without my knowledge.

Another case I just had really bad vibes about the guy and the woman that was discipling me before we went out to eat I let her know something was very off about this guy. Very domineering and I never felt as threatened as I did before we went to the restaurant. One of the girls there was a feminist and things got ugly at the restaurant and she went off on him because of his views. There was one guy with us that I am good friends with, but he's very meek and does not like arguments so he didn't say much. Later I found out the guy I was scared ofhad a prison record.

Another man was quite nice and I liked him a lot along with the rest of our consistent group. A gal joined that was in her late twenties, she had just had a foot surgery, and she was going on a consistent basis. The rest of us were in our late 30s and 40s of the time. But there was a younger group, but she didn't feel she fit in there. The guy I mentioned exchange numbers with her, I thought it was strange since he never had asked for my phone number. And I thought, maybe he has a preference for younger girls. It came out after the group had dissolved that he was in the news. He had been following around or stocking different women in a superstore following them and looking at their feet. I can't remember the rest of the details but I found out that he had a foot fetish and that's probably the reason that he was interested in my friend. We are still good friends to this day but I do not know what happened with the guy.

Another guy I was actually interested in, decided to go out with another girl that I knew. It came out after they broke up that he was initially interested in me but didn't think I had interest in him. She said if I was interested in going out with him, that she would be okay with it. But after she detailed how his last divorce happened, I had no interest. He couldn't stand noise and his wife broke a dish, I can't remember if it was intentional because of an argument, but he decided he was done. I can't remember the details I think she was Thai or they were living in Thailand and it was a very short marriage.

The one guy that I was interested in who was a cop, it was 4 months into me being there that I met him. He was very interested in me and tried to pursue but he was working the night shift and I couldn't get it to work out that I could go to a movie or anything with him because of health and the distance traveling. Looking back I probably could have let him know, but internally I knew he was not right for me. He showed me off to at least two other guys and one of them pursued me. It was quite weird. He would show up sporadically the next 5 months and I suddenly saw a girl that was going through a divorce and her ex in the South trying to take custody of the kids. He had told me he was surprised to find someone with no kids. So he was not interested in someone with kids. The girl pursued him, I thought it would never work, but they ended up together and I was so heartbroken that I got sick. That's when I ended pretty much all dating and I had decided I wasn't going to be married.
Of course that changed some years down the road. But I needed to do that for my health since I had just been diagnosed with systemic lupus and I was wearing a wig, and I don't think the guy could understand it at the time because he was very conceited. One of my good friends to this day told me that she can't understand what I saw on him.

 

[linux.poet]

On Reddit it's trending men only want Christian girls b/c they're easier to take advantage of.

Time to inventory my weapons collection. Let's see, long stick, three swords, ferocious looking hunting knife, incredibly violent death threat poems, army of chess pieces. Maybe I should buy a gun or crossbow and upgrade my swords. Hmm...

They say they're told God has 'the one' for them. So they think it's the first guy they fall in love w/. Guys know this & use it to their advantage. For example they abuse them. Then they won't get out of the relationship b/c God wouldn't want that.

It will take approximately many more failed friendships before I meet a guy who I am actually comfortable with marrying. That's because I have to build a social strategy to work my way through the group that is tailored to each group. The low-hanging fruit that first approaches you in any social setting are the likely abusers, which you then have to fight off to get a chance to meet the decent folks.

 

[bèlla]

45% of Women (ages 25-44) Will Be Single and Childless By 2030

"if a man is single, he is lonely. If a woman is single, she is empowered."

 

[ThisIsMe123]

45% of Women (ages 25-44) Will Be Single and Childless By 2030

"if a man is single, he is lonely. If a woman is single, she is empowered."

I guess that's a double standard?

I watched this in the past, and it is sad. Like Courtney said, these women want these guys that are over 6 feet tall, chiseled jawline, make 6 figures, etc. These men wind up treating them like crap as they aren't giving decent men a chance.
By that time, they've painted most all men with a broad brush, saying "men suck!"

A lot of these women are making their preferences, more their standards that they won't budge on. Like a woman should be flexible in the height department for example.

They meet a guy that meets all her check boxes, oh, but he's a couple inches shorter than what she wants....give the guy a shot. A lunch date.

In one of the comments:

I am 34 and have known quite a few women now who are well past their prime and single (with no chance of having kids now) as a result of them having incredibly unrealistic standards and seemingly zero self awareness about their own attractiveness.

Many times I have talked to a woman who is probably only a 7/10 who says she wants a guy who's essentially in the top 1% of men across three (or more) different domains.

If you just do the math, 1% * 1% * 1% is one in a million... They don't seem to have any awareness whatsoever that a) you're unlikely to ever even meet someone who is 1 in a million, and b) a guy who IS one in a million is not going to want to pair up with some random woman who is a mere 7/10.

It is utterly bizarre to me that anyone has any problem thinking through that.

Especially the bolded...I am thinking, "Is she joking? Has she looked in a mirror lately?"

 

[bèlla]

I guess that's a double standard?

All that matters is the end result; finding the one you seek. Conditions provide insight on navigation but it isn’t the final word. You have a say in the outcome.

Like Courtney said, these women want these guys that are over 6 feet tall, chiseled jawline, make 6 figures, etc.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing. The who is immaterial. If she cannot see your value it matters not. She’ll never be satisfied and you’ll both be miserable.

The most important element is her willingness to see you and appreciate the person before her. And if she can’t or won’t the rest is moot. She’s not an option. Don’t give her a smidgen of headspace or emotional output. Save it for the one who does.

These men wind up treating them like crap as they aren't giving decent men a chance. By that time, they've painted most all men with a broad brush, saying "men suck!"

She has to see something within you that compels investment and offsets the things you lack. That’s why she takes a chance. She’s weighing what she wants versus who you are and the likelihood of its attainment.

You have difficulty understanding why she gambles on the other. She does it because he’s her ideal. It’s not a risk for her. No one leaps for anything without cause. Going without is usually the motivation. They can’t let go.

That’s what everyone’s missing. They want her to see their potential. But its impossible until she relinquishes the other. She has to surrender the ideal to appreciate the rest. She can’t see them. They’re overshadowed.

A lot of these women are making their preferences, more their standards that they won't budge on. Like a woman should be flexible in the height department for example. They meet a guy that meets all her check boxes, oh, but he's a couple inches shorter than what she wants....give the guy a shot. A lunch date.

Why would you want her? Seriously? There’s more behind it than height. You don’t measure up. Why would you waste your time on that?

It doesn’t matter if its realistic. Selection isn’t the final rung. It’s what happens afterwards that counts. You can’t do life with her. And if you have a morsel of sense you wouldn’t try. You’re setting yourself up for failure.

Just because someone isn’t interested doesn’t mean you’re unworthy. And I’m not inclined to change their mind or make an effort to show my potential. They see it or they don’t. And if they won’t another will.

I won’t compromise my self-respect to be partnered. Expecting him to give me a chance or lower his standard is begging in my opinion. I refuse to do that. You have to draw the line somewhere.

~bella

 

[linux.poet]

I've seen that video. Maybe if those "empowered" women are single for a few years, they will start to feel like they aren't attractive and their delusions of grandeur will take a huge hit.

As for me, I have underrated my own attractiveness for years and honestly can't see anything. Today I was talking to a guy who has a minimum-wage job and 1 year of college and felt like I was a social inferior to him, despite the fact that I have 2 college degrees. This was because my brother, who was right next to me, considers me a social inferior to him because I don't have a job.

At least 1-year-minimum-wage guy inquired for my opinion on the sermon, which was a cut above physically-aggressive guy from the singles group two days ago - I like discussing Scripture and theology. However, the whole encounter was socially awkward and my brother ruined it, so that relationship is dead. Next!

 

[ThisIsMe123]

All that matters is the end result; finding the one you seek. Conditions provide insight on navigation but it isn’t the final word. You have a say in the outcome.



You’re focusing on the wrong thing. The who is immaterial. If she cannot see your value it matters not. She’ll never be satisfied and you’ll both be miserable.

The most important element is her willingness to see you and appreciate the person before her. And if she can’t or won’t the rest is moot. She’s not an option. Don’t give her a smidgen of headspace or emotional output. Save it for the one who does.



She has to see something within you that compels investment and offsets the things you lack. That’s why she takes a chance. She’s weighing what she wants versus who you are and the likelihood of its attainment.

You have difficulty understanding why she gambles on the other. She does it because he’s her ideal. It’s not a risk for her. No one leaps for anything without cause. Going without is usually the motivation. They can’t let go.

That’s what everyone’s missing. They want her to see their potential. But its impossible until she relinquishes the other. She has to surrender the ideal to appreciate the rest. She can’t see them. They’re overshadowed.



Why would you want her? Seriously? There’s more behind it than height. You don’t measure up. Why would you waste your time on that?

It doesn’t matter if its realistic. Selection isn’t the final rung. It’s what happens afterwards that counts. You can’t do life with her. And if you have a morsel of sense you wouldn’t try. You’re setting yourself up for failure.

Just because someone isn’t interested doesn’t mean you’re unworthy. And I’m not inclined to change their mind or make an effort to show my potential. They see it or they don’t. And if they won’t another will.

I won’t compromise my self-respect to be partnered. Expecting him to give me a chance or lower his standard is begging in my opinion. I refuse to do that. You have to draw the line somewhere.

~bella

I think the point of these lady YouTubers are suggesting, also the author of 'Settling for Mr Good Enough" are providing self-help to these ladies that they are their own worst enemy, and if finding a decent guy is what they want...well...they should do something about it. That they should realize the ridiculousness of their ways and take heed their advice.

That maybe they should consider the guy with the receding hairline or a couple of inches shorter.

Thing is, some of these women probably do find these men attractive, but they feel they can do better. Just Google The Husband Store.

 

[bèlla]

I think the point of these lady YouTubers are suggesting, also the author of 'Settling for Mr Good Enough" are providing self-help to these ladies that they are their own worst enemy, and if finding a decent guy is what they want...well...they should do something about it. That they should realize the ridiculousness of their ways and take heed their advice.

I read the book a few years ago and understand her perspective. Nevertheless, she’s wrong in this respect. They’re not looking for a “decent man.” They’re looking for the one who fits their ideal and avoiding those who don’t. He’s the decent they’re referencing. Not the other.

Thing is, some of these women probably do find these men attractive, but they feel they can do better.

When a woman raises herself there’s always a consequence. I’m not referencing leveling up for gold digging purposes but they fall in that group. The ascent is purposeful and meant to attract a certain suitor. Men of a particular class and economic position.

That’s what grooming was for. It wasn’t merely mannerliness. The intended outcome was a successful pairing. Unlike their predecessors who confined themselves to specific groups and selected from its members they’re going about it differently. The insulation and reinforcements are lacking and she’s more exposed.

Truth be told, she shouldn’t be in the market. The decision and preparation places her outside the norm. Whether its the result of a desired lifestyle or personal investment. She’ll hit a wall eventually and need to make a choice. Adjust the standard or step up. That’s the only option.

When you have that perspective will is the driver and emotion is subdued. She won’t allow herself to say yes. Attraction or not. I don’t believe that’s the case with most Christian women. Their issue is different. They abhor the mundane. They want someone more exciting, intriguing, etc.

~bella

 

[linux.poet]

Today I found out that I fail this list of relationship green flags:

I have no gratitude for anything and I even have trouble expressing gratitude to God, I'm a scared bunny rabbit who is just trying to survive in-person social interaction and can barely try to turn the conversation toward the other person, I'm too honest and blunt, I have negative comments and criticism about everyone, I struggle to develop myself as fast as everyone else wants me to, everyone sabotages all my attempts at healthy relationships, and I am never responsible for everyone else's problems.

I am doomed!

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I read the book a few years ago and understand her perspective. Nevertheless, she’s wrong in this respect. They’re not looking for a “decent man.” They’re looking for the one who fits their ideal and avoiding those who don’t. He’s the decent they’re referencing. Not the other.



When a woman raises herself there’s always a consequence. I’m not referencing leveling up for gold digging purposes but they fall in that group. The ascent is purposeful and meant to attract a certain suitor. Men of a particular class and economic position.

That’s what grooming was for. It wasn’t merely mannerliness. The intended outcome was a successful pairing. Unlike their predecessors who confined themselves to specific groups and selected from its members they’re going about it differently. The insulation and reinforcements are lacking and she’s more exposed.

Truth be told, she shouldn’t be in the market. The decision and preparation places her outside the norm. Whether its the result of a desired lifestyle or personal investment. She’ll hit a wall eventually and need to make a choice. Adjust the standard or step up. That’s the only option.

When you have that perspective will is the driver and emotion is subdued. She won’t allow herself to say yes. Attraction or not. I don’t believe that’s the case with most Christian women. Their issue is different. They abhor the mundane. They want someone more exciting, intriguing, etc.

~bella

This made me think of a situation. I met a woman in a singles Christian group where she refused to marry a man that drank, even socially/casually. There was agentleman in the group that caught her eye...he was a musician in the group.

When they went on a group restaurant gathering together, when he ordered a beer...that was a deal breaker for her.

Then one day...I saw they got married.

Did she settle? was it a bad idea for her to settle?

 

[bèlla]

When they went on a group restaurant gathering together, when he ordered a beer...that was a deal breaker for her.

Then one day...I saw they got married.

Did she settle? was it a bad idea for her to settle?

Probably not. But instead of guessing, let me demonstrate how to reach a similar conclusion intentionally.

The people you’re attracted to + the ones attracted to you - mutual attraction = your sweet spot.

Weigh your preferences against the sweet spot to determine what percentage possess the qualities you’re seeking or willing to obtain them. And rank them from highest to lowest.

Compare the results to your preferences. Now you have something to go on and priority follows. Using the example, if 10% of her prospects were non drinkers and 90% were that’s her reality.

If she prioritizes abstinence—in light of her results—she’s ruling out most. But if she gives herself a caveat that permits the exception in response to other qualities or a stronger presence of her priorities agreement is easier.

Oftentimes they agree because they’re tired of looking, ready to settle or afraid of being alone. Preferences aren’t as fixed as they appear and that’s where the caveat comes in. Sometimes the exception is well-defined. In other instances she discovers it while engaging.

Most people are willing to bend on something but they’ll only do it in certain situations. That’s what they’re unwilling to admit.

I like tall men. I’ve dated someone who wasn’t that possessed the attributes I valued in great measure. Why would I turn him down? My no’s are practical: life direction, character, leadership, financial responsibility, etc. Deficiencies in those areas would warrant a no. But I won’t turn him down over bible studies or praying together. He’s not a pastor.

That’s why laundry lists don’t work and you shouldn’t mimic others. People put up with a lot. What works for one won’t work for the next. You have to know yourself to craft your standard and it must be informed by the sweet spot.

Or you’re throwing spaghetti and may waste years looking for things you’ll never get from them. Some of the should’s aren’t our reality or may not occur at the onset.

I’ve read a lot of relational books and like Myles Munroe and Michael Pearl for men. Munroe’s message will strengthen a man and rebuild his confidence. Pearl excels at cutting through the dross and cookie cutter associations. He recognizes the flavors (male and female) and doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all approach.

His three types of men analogy is golden. He demonstrates the spiritual correlations and affirms them. Everyone isn’t Elon and it isn’t necessary. Most women couldn’t deal with him. There’s a complementary nature that meshes with his and that’s what he unpacks.

For example, I’m very feminine. That extreme (softness) has a complement (hard). As a result, I’m deeply attracted to masculinity. That’s why I like leaders. His strength enables my decrease.

On the other hand, I have a friend who’s an ideas man. He can see the dream but can’t bring it to fruition. I excel at that. Execution is my strength and it would bless him. But it prohibits my decrease and puts me in leader mode. I can’t sate the other side. It’s a different energy.

The other knows how to get things done. He doesn’t need me to devise a plan and do it for him. He tells me the end result or what he wants and I respond. That what fits.

You may want to check it out. I think you’ll like it.

~bella

 

[VCR-2000]

Not in the sense of soulmates but in terms of arranged marriages. Like God had already appointed a spouse for you.

But of course, it does not apply to Christians of today. It only happened in the Old Testament so that Jesus can be born. The lineage of Christ is already decided.

Today or in the New Testament, getting married to someone is now of little importance. In fact Apostle Paul even said it's better to be single.

The world tells you it's better to be married but that's the world. As Christians, we do not operate in the same rules of the world.

What are the reasons Paul said that it's better to be single? I believe whether it is better to be single or not depends on social circumstance or the social environment a person is living in.

And it is sad and horrible that God allowed Satan and his followers to ruin marriage and the family.

 

[VCR-2000]

I guess that's a double standard?

I watched this in the past, and it is sad. Like Courtney said, these women want these guys that are over 6 feet tall, chiseled jawline, make 6 figures, etc. These men wind up treating them like crap as they aren't giving decent men a chance.
By that time, they've painted most all men with a broad brush, saying "men suck!"

A lot of these women are making their preferences, more their standards that they won't budge on. Like a woman should be flexible in the height department for example.

They meet a guy that meets all her check boxes, oh, but he's a couple inches shorter than what she wants....give the guy a shot. A lunch date.

In one of the comments:

I am 34 and have known quite a few women now who are well past their prime and single (with no chance of having kids now) as a result of them having incredibly unrealistic standards and seemingly zero self awareness about their own attractiveness.

Many times I have talked to a woman who is probably only a 7/10 who says she wants a guy who's essentially in the top 1% of men across three (or more) different domains.

If you just do the math, 1% * 1% * 1% is one in a million... They don't seem to have any awareness whatsoever that a) you're unlikely to ever even meet someone who is 1 in a million, and b) a guy who IS one in a million is not going to want to pair up with some random woman who is a mere 7/10.

It is utterly bizarre to me that anyone has any problem thinking through that.

Especially the bolded...I am thinking, "Is she joking? Has she looked in a mirror lately?"

Try it. Society calls men nasty stuff for even suggesting that women should lower standards and other stuff. Pure outrageous.