30s & Never Dated

[ThisIsMe123]

You might end up getting married a little later in life (or later than your friends), but that is okay.

Funny, I have a co-worker, age 19, is now married. Devout Christian, is there something about highly devout Christian families that like to have their kids married off at such an early age? I hear they are even living in a travel trailer or something. Barely can rub two pennies together.

 

[LoveDivine]

Funny, I have a co-worker, age 19, is now married. Devout Christian, is there something about highly devout Christian families that like to have their kids married off at such an early age? I hear they are even living in a travel trailer or something. Barely can rub two pennies together.

I think a 19 year old (in today's society) is a little too young to be married. I know everyone is different, but that is a lot of stress to take on at that age. I wouldn't advise that. It's very unlikely that a person at that age is fully mature and developed (as a person). I do think a lot of Christians encourage marriage at a young age, because it helps to eliminate the temptation to be immoral in relationships and because there is a heavy emphasis /focus on marriage in general within the church. I'm very pro-marriage, but I think that far too many Christians elevate marriage and place far too much emphasis on being married. There is serious pressure on young people to be married and start families, etc. I think that's a problem and contributes to the high divorce rates (within Christian circles). The flip side to this is the secular outlook that isn't healthy either. That's all about having fun and experimenting until you are ready to settle down. Both are destructive mindsets.

In regards to the OP, personally, I think it's actually wiser and safer for Christians to wait until they are older/more established before they start seriously dating. My outlook is that you should date when you are actually ready to be committed and able to be in a healthy marriage. There's really no point in dating just to have a girlfriend: that's only going to lead to sexual sin and problems. As a Christian, you really should have marriage as your goal and you should only date someone you think has potential to be a future spouse (of course, it takes time to get to know someone to find that out). You do have to date to figure that out (I'm not against dating), but I think it's not really about having girlfriends. It's about trying to meet the one person that you should spend the rest of your life with.

So, I'd say that in some ways, being 30 with little previous relationship experience could actually be a very good thing. It all depends on how you look at it. Most dating "experience" doesn't help you in a marriage and may work against it in the long run. I would stay focused on trying to find someone you can marry. Just my thoughts.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Christians encourage marriage at a young age, because it helps to eliminate the temptation to be immoral in relationships and because there is a heavy emphasis /focus on marriage in general within the church. I'm very pro-marriage, but I think that far too many Christians elevate marriage and place far too much emphasis on being married.

Where, in smaller cities and within more...smaller, tight Christian congregations, there DOES tend to be marriage rather young. I knew of a couple of high schoolers that planned their wedding the summer after they graduated high school. I was just a few years older than them, and thought to myself that was no where NEAR on my radar at that age.

I told a friend of their's that statistically, marriages that young, don't last too long. She frowned at me lol

I think Christians are still trying to live like we are in the dark ages or colonial times or whatever. Back then, it was acceptable to marry super young. Sometimes under 18.

Do you honestly think the majority of marriages happen at a young age MAINLY to avoid sexual sin, as opposed the couple truly being compatible, or truly even loving each other? Usually it's pupply lov eat that age.

 

[DragonFox91]

I think Christians marry young b/c they think the first one they hit it off with is ‘the one’ God has sent them. They think he wouldn’t send The One late in life.

 

[mojoboy31]

Funny, I have a co-worker, age 19, is now married. Devout Christian, is there something about highly devout Christian families that like to have their kids married off at such an early age? I hear they are even living in a travel trailer or something. Barely can rub two pennies together.

I had Christian friends who got married at 19. After about a year, she was sleeping with her boss, and telling her husband she was leaving him. A month later, she was pregnant with her boss's kid, whom had now dumped her, and she was then begging her husband to take her back, which he did not.
Sometimes, people in the church marry young to escape their strict parents and gain some freedom, then they rebel and ruin not only their lives, but their spouse's lives.

 

[Kwilson]

That is indeed, okay. In fact, that's better than being married to the wrong person, or being in a relationship with the wrong person. There's worse things than being single.

Thank you! Well said, my friend.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I think Christians marry young b/c they think the first one they hit it off with is ‘the one’ God has sent them. They think he wouldn’t send The One late in life.

I get tired of Christians saying that it was "God that sent them" or "God told me", when the onus wasn't on God's decision, but the decision was solely their's They just use God as a cop-out.

 

[LoveDivine]

Actually, I know lots of women who are desperate to be in relationships and they jump from guy to guy. They can't remain single for very long. I am surprised by all these threads being posted lately. What I am reading has not been my experience. Most women I know want to be with a guy and they don't seem that picky to me ( they actually should be more discriminating, lol )

Also, there are guys who are older than 25 who don't have dating experience and they are normal. I think there are actually some fairly cautious, picky guys who are doing the rejecting. Imagine that, lol. It's not always the woman who turns down the guy

 

[bèlla]

Unless you count a girl online that was lying and cheated on me, and a girl who cornered me into asking her out, then told me she'd been "pretending to like" me, and dumped me a day after our first official date- then I have zero dating experience. I'm 32.

Did you meet r/t? I’ve dated locally, nationally and internationally. The furthest was Australia and he spent a year and a half here. Cheating is a nice way of saying options. You weren’t the final answer. When you get to that point others don’t exist.

So going with your logic, I'm just not a catch, and there must be 'some reason' why not...

Of course there is. Telling you otherwise is disingenuous. You’re a white man in a society where most who share your hue desire to marry or consider it. The same holds true for the church.

Finding the stumbling block allows you to surmount it and put your best foot forward. If you want to pretend and spend another ten here that’s your choice.

~bella

 

[bèlla]

Actually, I know lots of women who are desperate to be in relationships and they jump from guy to guy. They can't remain single for very long. I am surprised by all these threads being posted lately. What I am reading has not been my experience. Most women I know want to be with a guy and they don't seem that picky to me ( they actually should be more discriminating, lol )

They don’t want her!

 

[LoveDivine]

They don’t want her!

Yeah. I agree. I am not saying that type of woman is a good catch. I just think that all these recent dating threads are very one sided. That's why I posted about desperate women. If you read through them you would come away with the impression that women don't need men and they rarely agree to go out with a guy unless he is stunningly handsome, etc. I know these threads are from the male perspective and I get it. I think it helps though to be balanced.

 

[bèlla]

Yeah. I agree. I am not saying that type of woman is a good catch. I just think that all these recent dating threads are very one sided. If you read through them you would come away with the impression that women don't need men and they rarely agree to go out with a guy unless he is stunningly handsome, etc. I know these threads are from the male perspective and I get it. I think it helps though to be balanced.

You have a good head on your shoulders and sense of self. It isn’t common in Christian circles and you’re unique. Don’t lose it. I can count on one hand how many others had the same.

Men had it easy and that time is over. Provision isn’t the tipping point. We’re looking at character and other attributes. The posts reveal a different spirit. Many believe they should have a companion based on their sex.

Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you can lead. Just because you’re a believer doesn’t mean a woman should trust you.

When I mentored my girls they were in a place where they were ready to hear the truth. They couldn't get him and surmounting that was more important than clinging to ideals. All are settled. Every single one.

I chose strong men who could stand. I wouldn’t choose a weaker Christian man in their place. He’s not an option.

~bella

 

[Juan777]

Actually, I know lots of women who are desperate to be in relationships and they jump from guy to guy. They can't remain single for very long. I am surprised by all these threads being posted lately. What I am reading has not been my experience. Most women I know want to be with a guy and they don't seem that picky to me ( they actually should be more discriminating, lol )

[/QUOTE]

Can you elaborate further as to what you mean by this? You said "jump from guy to guy", and "can't remain single for very long", etc.... That means they are meeting guys who don't want to commit with them?

Also, there are guys who are older than 25 who don't have dating experience and they are normal. I think there are actually some fairly cautious, picky guys who are doing the rejecting. Imagine that, lol. It's not always the woman who turns down the guy

How would you know they are cautious or picky who are doing the rejecting and not because they are not meeting any women in the first place?

 

[Juan777]

@DragonFox91 how do you feel about your supportive friend @bèlla now? This is what she really thinks about you.

 

[bèlla]

@DragonFox91 how do you feel about your supportive friend is what she really thinks about you.

Just because you failed with the opposite sex doesn’t mean I believe he’ll suffer a similar fate. And since you opened the floor I’ll admit what I told him privately.

I advised him against taking advice from men who suffered from similar problems who hadn’t resolved them. That includes YOU and others in your sandbox. I would never listen to a man who couldn’t keep a woman or secure their fealty.

Stirring the pot won’t minimize your failures. Yahweh sees and so do I.

~bella

 

[mikeforjesus]

Dear Bella what you teach is not required to be Christian teaching and stops people from actually showing charity those who don’t repent of their hardness rejecting someone just for more selfish desire for esteem before they die will have a much smaller reward in heaven they know they are being selfish. It is true person should be seeking to lead but person has different abilities not fair to judge person who does more because of one abilities that he has to do most not all should demand that or he somehow has more experience because he had advantage that others taught one earlier to know more.

 

[Juan777]

Just because you failed with the opposite sex doesn’t mean I believe he’ll suffer a similar fate. And since you opened the floor I’ll admit what I told him privately.

I advised him against taking advice from men who suffered from similar problems who hadn’t resolved them. That includes YOU and others in your sandbox. I would never listen to a man who couldn’t keep a woman or secure their fealty.

Stirring the pot won’t minimize your failures. Yahweh sees and so do I.

~bella

And I just same here a few months ago. You have been here for 2-3 years on his other thread like this and now you are saying he is listening to the wrong advice? Sounds like I touched a nerve on another thread and you are just triggered.

 

[bèlla]

Honestly Bella what you teach is not required to be Christian teaching and stops people from actually showing charity those who don’t repent of their hardness rejecting something before they die will have a much smaller reward in heaven they know they are being selfish

Lying never helped anyone. Telling people what they want to hear to spare their feelings is pointless. Some people will never choose you. Your problems and insecurities exceed them. They’ll choose someone with less baggage. Admitting that isn’t unkind. Some of the people here have difficulties beyond the norm. I know because we’ve spoken privately. If you’re inclined to sell them hope by all means do so. But I see their replies and know my sex.

They’re saying no for a reason. While they may not spell it out it isn’t hard to discern. Most people don’t want a partner with physical, mental, or emotional challenges. Or too much damage. I live in the real world and heard the same from people on this site.

Think what you will. I choose reality over sugarplums.

~bella

 

[Juan777]

Lying never helped anyone. Telling people what they want to hear to spare their feelings is pointless. Some people will never choose you. Your problems and insecurities exceed them. They’ll choose someone with less baggage. Admitting that isn’t unkind. Some of the people here have difficulties beyond the norm. I know because we’ve spoken privately. If you’re inclined to sell them hope by all means do so. But I see their replies and know my sex.

They’re saying no for a reason. While they may not spell it out it isn’t hard to discern. Most people don’t want a partner with physical, mental, or emotional challenges. Or too much damage. I live in the real world and heard the same from people on this site.

Think what you will. I choose reality over sugarplums.

~bella

Nah, dont buy that. You are too mean spirited. The tone and spirit in which something is said is just as important as the content.

 

[bèlla]

And I just same here a few months ago. You have been here for 2-3 years on his other thread like this and now you are saying he is listening to the wrong advice? Sounds like I touched a nerve on another thread and you are just triggered.

I advised him against that thread and indulging his feelings. A 40+ man who can’t get a woman wouldn’t trigger me.