29 & Never Dated

[DragonFox91]

Not good.

No one can answer that without interacting outside of this realm. You can hear pep talks and feel good messages. But without engagement, no one can say what's holding you back. They need to observe your body language, conversation, and how you respond to the opposite sex.

Talking to your pastor is a good start. You can be honest with him. Add a prayer to the prayer wall and ask others to come alongside you. You have to direct your questions to the appropriate source. Otherwise you're spinning your heels.

I talk to a Christian counselor. He's a retired pastor & attends my friends church I go to occasionally. No shadiness from me talking to him, I want to solve the problem. What do you think I should ask him I'm maybe not asking/talking to him about?

You may fare better with a younger suitor. With an absence of relational experience, the expectations of women your age will be much greater than someone younger. There's a learning curve. You'll need a lot of hand holding in the beginning. If you're with someone like yourself you'll learn together.

I know someone who married a man in similar circumstances. He pretended to be experienced. She's the only one he dated and he was a virgin. He never admitted it. But it came out eventually. The absence of understanding and know how created problems. If he'd told the truth they could have learned together before the children came. He doesn't know how to be a partner or spouse. That's unfortunate.

Not a lot of options, unfortunately. I'm not being picky - (although my counsellor actually says I am b/c I know I don't want to date a non-Christian girl, for example). I'm not rejecting younger girls. But it's going to be harder dating younger. Dating tends to skew that way. As much as I'd like younger, older seems my best bet. I feel like older will be past the 'have fun' stage & want something serious. Plus for whatever reason I tend to do better w/ older. Even in college it was like that. There's just a bit more maturity. But believe me, I'm not being picky & there's pros to younger too.

I'll be sure not to hide I've never dated.

 

[DragonFox91]

 

[DragonFox91]

I want to just cry.

I feel so upset

 

[bèlla]

We’ll tackle this in the morning.

 

[DragonFox91]

I just called my counselor. He didn't have a ton of time. He wants me to read Psalm 42 & type up my notes from Sunday.

I cry some.

Not good.

 

[bèlla]

What characteristics does she need to have to complement yours and offset your weaknesses? Not a laundry list. Things that strengthen and enhance your person.

 

[bèlla]

I just called my counselor. He didn't have a ton of time. He wants me to read Psalm 42 & type up my notes from Sunday.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God

You can only defeat a spirit with the opposite spirit.

Sorrow —> Joy
Fear —> Trust
Weakness —> Strength
Rejection —> Love
Infirmity —> Healing

Thus, you’d pray against sorrow and pray for joy. Affirming scripture for each.

 

[SarahsKnight]

I want to just cry.

I feel so upset

For what it can be worth, DragonFox, while I happen to share your feelings over this at this particular time period of my life, I can empathize with you and understand the strength of your desires to have someone to care for. And I know the seeming loneliness, and having experienced so little where romance and love are concerned, all of its joys, can be overwhelming. I am praying for God to comfort you and bring you peace despite not having that which you appear to so desperately want right now.

 

[DragonFox91]

Got off to a rough start this morning but feeling a bit better.

A coworker in another department who's single returned to the office, so that's a possibility at least. She works on the floor above & I don't go up there so that's an issue, but saw her leave for break just as I was taking it, & we left at same time at the end of the day. She was talking to her friend coworker so may not've been the best opportunity. Either way I didn't take it. Her friend is single too but not my type from what I hear. I don't know much about her herself, but I want to. Maybe a time will come. It will be a deadend but I need at least a hope.

For what it can be worth, DragonFox, while I happen to share your feelings over this at this particular time period of my life, I can empathize with you and understand the strength of your desires to have someone to care for. And I know the seeming loneliness, and having experienced so little where romance and love are concerned, all of its joys, can be overwhelming. I am praying for God to comfort you and bring you peace despite not having that which you appear to so desperately want right now.

That is very sweet of you to say that. I know sometimes venting about this topic can turn people off, so I appreciate your understanding.

 

[DragonFox91]

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God

You can only defeat a spirit with the opposite spirit.

Sorrow —> Joy
Fear —> Trust
Weakness —> Strength
Rejection —> Love
Infirmity —> Healing

Thus, you’d pray against sorrow and pray for joy. Affirming scripture for each.

I listened to a sermon on it & a quick 5 minute talk. Not sure what my counselor wants me to get out of the Psalm but the talk ends w/ Romans: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

What characteristics does she need to have to complement yours and offset your weaknesses? Not a laundry list. Things that strengthen and enhance your person.

I tried thinking about this at work but it's hard. Is this like a wish type list?

 

[bèlla]

I listened to a sermon on it & a quick 5 minute talk. Not sure what my counselor wants me to get out of the Psalm but the talk ends w/ Romans: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

I highlighted the purpose in my reply. It's a message of hope. He ends on Romans for the same reason. This morning I was musing on suffering and saw Sue's message. I hadn't made the connection in my response (about DH) until then.

He lives where I wanted to move, has a background in fashion, is a professional photographer and videographer (as a hobby), can run a fashion shoot, has the resources and skills to move overseas, can help me in my work (digital media), and wants marriage and family. That's an example of "all things working together." I'd never imagine finding all of that in one person.

No one could have done the same. They had bits and pieces but only he had everything. I didn't have to compromise or take on things I couldn't handle. He got what he wanted in return. God brought us together. He knew it was the right fit. But it happened in His timing. I have His counsel, I'm praying, He led me to support groups, and the energy's different. We're in a different place and it shows.

I tried thinking about this at work but it's hard. Is this like a wish type list?

This is related to you. That's why I can't chime in. You should work on it at home. I want you to think about what you need. When things go well and when they don't. What you put down is what you should pray for. Pray for a wife with those qualities and ask the Lord to prepare you to be the husband she requires.

Unlike the "God give me a wife prayers" this is strategic. I did the same but never admitted it. It would influence a man's response. Once you have the list you're praying that in and praying out the difficulties and shortcomings you have. And you're praying for her. Her faith, health, work, friendships, etc. You don't know who she is or what's going in her life. God directs the prayers to their rightful place.

I've been praying for him since he was 19. I prayed every day and fasted too. I see the fruit in his life. Don't slack on it. You're getting the fruits of your labor.

 

[Will Joseph]

I'm a 28 year old celibate virgin who never dated and who turns 29 in a few weeks. Life isn't too bad.

Maybe when I was younger, I desperately wanted a girlfriend. But a few things have lowered my interest in finding a girlfriend or dating.

Society. If you are a man who does "girly" stuff, then women might not like that. Women might also not like young men or poor men. Women might not like unemployed men. Women might not like short men. Women might not like colored men. Heck, some women declare themselves lesbians and don't like any man. Some of these dislikes could be personal, but some societies also promote these dislikes by portraying these types of men in bad ways or through stereotypes. So if you are a poor man, you have to convince a woman to date you, despite a whole society persuading or teaching her to not date you. It'a a lot of effort compared to a rich white man convincing a woman.

Societal expectations. Once you do date or get a girlfriend, you are likely to have to fulfill a certain role or stereotypical role. You may have to defend the girlfriend, but she doesn't necessarily have to defend you. You may have to get a job or a higher paying job, even though she might not. You may have to compliment her body, which is an issue if you don't like lust. You may have to "compete" for her, though she probably won't be competing for you. Whether these expectations are logical or not, they may seem illogical or too much for some men. And they definitely seem sexist. Some societies may promote these expectations for the sake of society rather than for the sake of the individual. For example, a woman should not be employed but rather stay home and care for a child. Of course children are important. But if dating is a method of grooming men into fathers, then some men might not be initially interested in dating.

Transwomen. I feel transgender women have existed for as long as there have been born intersex. If I do decide to date, then it would ultimately be for procreation, but I believe that most transwomen can not produce offspring. Even fertile transwomen may have a biology that can not safely produce offspring. So I don't have much interest in dating transwomen because I don't date for entertainment.

A transwoman may have been easy to identify in the past (with the exception of intersex who are born with both male and female features.) But nowadays with modern surgery technology, a transwoman can look exactly like a ciswoman. One of the few ways of discerning the difference would be impregnation, but I'd only have sex after marriage. I won't risk marrying a transwoman. Other methods of discerning can be talking with the woman's family or reviewing her medical records. These require less effort but still require above-average effort and complicates my dating experience.

There are even some transwomen who aim to "pass" as ciswomen. They will take many measures to make sure that nobody can discern their transgenderism. They may destroy medical records or have private surgeries in foreign lands. They may live far away from family or not talk about family around dates. And her effort to hide her transgenderism might be greater and stronger than a man's effort to uncover it, simply because the concealment might provide more social acceptance and less endangerment.


Prostitutes and criminals. Some women date solely for survival or profit. They get free food. If they aim for sex after the date, then they also get a free place to sleep for a night. Food and shelter have value: just look at the cost of a night at a hotel. There is no way to discern if a woman is a prostitute, especially if she lives in a society that does not punish prostitution. I would not want to have sex until after marriage, but a prostitute might try to convince or persuade me to have sex, simply for free shelter or to increase the chance of another date night.

Another issue is that some prostitutes commit or facilitate crime. They may lure a man into an unsafe area where he gets robbed. Or a prostitute may steal a man's expensive watch. The chance of crime might increase if she convinces the man to consume alcohol. In places where prostitution is illegal, dating can be a tool to disguise prostitution.

 

[bèlla]

Why would a Christian man be worried about lesbians, transwomen, and prostitutes if he’s pursuing Christian women?

 

[DragonFox91]

B/c it decreases the size of the pool. When I'm swiping on Tinder & it seems more than half have a Trans or Pride flag or something dumb like that, that's a problem. One of the reasons I don't really bother w/ dating sites anymore, TBH.

 

[bèlla]

B/c it decreases the size of the pool. When I'm swiping on Tinder & it seems more than half have a Trans or Pride flag or something dumb like that, that's a problem. One of the reasons I don't really bother w/ dating sites anymore, TBH.

They probably aren’t believers. So that’s moot. You weren’t picking from a large pool anyway.

 

[DragonFox91]

The question isn't 'God, will you' or 'God, will you give me'

The question is 'God when will you?'

 

[DragonFox91]

Not good. Trying to stay distracted.

 

[DragonFox91]

I highlighted the purpose in my reply. It's a message of hope. He ends on Romans for the same reason. This morning I was musing on suffering and saw Sue's message. I hadn't made the connection in my response (about DH) until then.

He lives where I wanted to move, has a background in fashion, is a professional photographer and videographer (as a hobby), can run a fashion shoot, has the resources and skills to move overseas, can help me in my work (digital media), and wants marriage and family. That's an example of "all things working together." I'd never imagine finding all of that in one person.

No one could have done the same. They had bits and pieces but only he had everything. I didn't have to compromise or take on things I couldn't handle. He got what he wanted in return. God brought us together. He knew it was the right fit. But it happened in His timing. I have His counsel, I'm praying, He led me to support groups, and the energy's different. We're in a different place and it shows.



This is related to you. That's why I can't chime in. You should work on it at home. I want you to think about what you need. When things go well and when they don't. What you put down is what you should pray for. Pray for a wife with those qualities and ask the Lord to prepare you to be the husband she requires.

Unlike the "God give me a wife prayers" this is strategic. I did the same but never admitted it. It would influence a man's response. Once you have the list you're praying that in and praying out the difficulties and shortcomings you have. And you're praying for her. Her faith, health, work, friendships, etc. You don't know who she is or what's going in her life. God directs the prayers to their rightful place.

I've been praying for him since he was 19. I prayed every day and fasted too. I see the fruit in his life. Don't slack on it. You're getting the fruits of your labor.

when

 

[bèlla]

when

I can’t answer that. No one can. What’s more important..someone or the right one?

 

[DragonFox91]

Got off to a rough start this morning but feeling a bit better.

A coworker in another department who's single returned to the office, so that's a possibility at least. She works on the floor above & I don't go up there so that's an issue, but saw her leave for break just as I was taking it, & we left at same time at the end of the day. She was talking to her friend coworker so may not've been the best opportunity. Either way I didn't take it. Her friend is single too but not my type from what I hear. I don't know much about her herself, but I want to. Maybe a time will come. It will be a deadend but I need at least a hope.

No thoughts on this from anyone? Unfortunately I didn't see her at all today ( ), tho her car was there. Very frustrating.

Most people chose not to return to office. I wonder why she chose not to....