what are you feeling right now? (24)

nvm

sea5763 said:

Psychotic episodes are terrible. I’ve been taking meds for that for years and still had some despite being on meds so now I have to take even more. Unfortunately some of us can’t go without them

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Yes i know i need meds for it as well, but usually manage to medicate myself with other, natural, resources. i found that 5-htp works wonders. This is the first psychosis i've had since i have been using it. However i was on my week break from it. This time everything accelerated really fast and went wrong. This morning i began taking it again. So i hope i will balance out without needing to take more meds.

nvm

Jeshu said:

Thanks brother for your prayers and care of me. Not sure why I feel so bad this morning. I'm so incredible deep down right now. All I want is to die. I placed my desires higher than Christ. I am a nobody really, just a miserable sinner who has run out of grace.

I can't seem to find my good life in Christ back. I think Jesus came last night and took me away in my faith and left me behind. All I can find is my miserable me. I know I have always been a miserable sinner and have hurt God, myself and others being around. I think I'm going to Hades soon. My doom is written about throughout Scripture. And the worst is I don't even care. I hate my life. I hate being alive. I can't even cry for myself.

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Jeshu I am so, so sorry to see you like this - I still believe that your week-long hiatus from the 5htp just might be causing at least some of this. It's terrible what happens to us when we don't take our supplements sometimes. It's so hard for people in your position to see the value they have in the eyes of other people.

Thank you for caring. Today has been devastating i got a psychotic episode the first in two years and i had hoped they woul be fnished i'm so disappointed. i'm deeply depressed and sinking fast after i was forced to take a full dose of anti-psychotics. Now i really feel rock bottom. i'm struggling with viiolent moods in which i want to harm myself. it is really difficult to look at Jesus feeling this way.

So glad you guys pray for me.

Remember Jeshu, your illness isn't you. And about hurting yourself, take perspective, and imagine hurting someone else in your place. You wouldn't do it. You wouldn't strike me down, and I'm just as much of a sinner as you are. If you want to counter me with the reality of your sin, I can counter you with mine, and we could compare our dirt until the day we die. No no, if I was in your place, you'd be the among the first to try and "slap" me out of it. Look at all these people caring for you. They don't want you to get hurt. They have none of the hatred towards you that you are feeling towards yourself. Isn't it Christ in and through them, wanting to comfort you? All good selfless love is from Him. He doesn't mock you in His heart but then send people to love you. He is not conflicted, even if we are.

We're all in the same boat. For once I'm glad that all of us are so different. Not just personalities, but even denominations and dogmas. When I struggle with these things, it seems like the accuser can take my "theology", or rather my understanding of God and the logical structure of my faith, which we all have to some extent, and turn it against me and use it as horrible weapon. It used to be a map to freedom, but now it's a prison. If I could ever unlock my or someone else's chains, now I'm stabbing myself with the keys. I am imprisoned and tortured with my own limited understanding, faith and love, and I still try to confine God into that enclosing and raging environment. There is no mercy for me then, because for whatever stupid (but then convincing) reason I am convinced that all mercy is locked outside of these walls, I have used it all up, and I demand sacrifice, I must have it, and I perceive God demanding the same. That is insanity and deceit. It is nothing else. Even without mental illnesses, it's already insanity in itself, and everything else just fuels the fire. It is always driven in my case by emotion and the need to be in control. God is never the center or the real object of it, nobody else is either but I am, always, every time.
And then, if God won't get through our thick skulls when we're alone deep in ourselves, the Body of Christ is moved, and if we are infected and blind, some other limb or sensor will work for us. Even if we see the difference in denomination, understanding, focus of faith and the person itself, the Head of the body isn't concerned as He knows what He is doing. We are one tiny part of that body, and we might be fit to some functions better than some others, but in everything else, all other parts are more fit than us. One joint will support the other, each one has something to give to others. We can look at them and see how peaceful they are, even if they were struggling with similar things, or even not focused on that struggle any longer but still at peace.
Sometimes God will send us these people (or push us towards them), possibly even someone who just had their mustard seed of faith yesterday, and they can melt our hearts, help us to be in peace, because we are reminded we are all in the same body and not alone. We can shift our focus, we don't have to think we are suffering alone as a severed part of some mutilated body. We can let some of the pain and the pressure go, instead of demanding that it must all be on us, instead of thinking we don't have the option to get peace. We can rest, give it up, and let the other parts of the body handle some of the weight. I've needed that lately, and just by "accident", I've found some peace from different sources and people of different ways of Christian faith that myself. It is a great thing and widens our perspective. So often we suffer uselessly, so easily pressed down. Some of it we can't help, but more often than not there is a lot we can drop right there and carry on without hurting ourselves even more with it.

Once again I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone, might even annoy some of you. Meant no harm.

Tempura said:

Isn't it Christ in and through them, wanting to comfort you? All good selfless love is from Him. He doesn't mock you in His heart but then send people to love you. He is not conflicted, even if we are.

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So very true brother, Jesus sends help, perspective and encouragement through other people. You have been great, as well as those others who prayed for me or encouraged me. i have for a long time enjoyed the benefit of having online brothers and sisters.

See i have learned to understand that even when people are not Christian that if they love or care it still comes from Jesus. i know that all good comes from God. Jesus is placed in all and above all by dying for the sins of the world and being seated at the right hand of the Father, faithfully working in people the will and want to do God's will and so saving them like that for Himself. So good to have Him as king and saviour. He loves us all so much that He lays His holiness aside to reach us in our fallen reality.

i had a hell of a day yesterday. The depression was that bad that within a hour of waking up i was lost to the world already. They used to call it manic depressed, it sure goes like that. i was driven crazy by my misery. i haven't been that deep down for years.

Today is much better. Still very down but back in one mind. The 5-htp began to benefit me a few hours after i took the evening dose. Maybe already before but i was to sick to notice.

i think i went in shock yesterday afternoon. The severity of the depression was so sudden and so overwhelming that it made me almost turn against myself. i really struggled to keep my eyes on Jesus and not give in to the need to harm myself.

i think when we are that deep down our thoughts an feelings become that dark that it is almost impossible to see the light shinning brightly above us. It was good to have a circle of praying people around me, for all your love protected me from myself.

Thanking you very much for heeding Christ and coming to my rescue.

Peace.

Good to hear Jeshu! Praise the Lord! So good that you are better, never mind what remains, it can be dealt with.

Jeshu said:

See i have learned to understand that even when people are not Christian that if they love or care it still comes from Jesus. i know that all good comes from God. Jesus is placed in all and above all by dying for the sins of the world and being seated at the right hand of the Father, faithfully working in people the will and want to do God's will and so saving them like that for Himself. So good to have Him as king and saviour. He loves us all so much that He lays His holiness aside to reach us in our fallen reality.

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Amen.

Hope you can take it easier now.

Tempura said:

Hope you can take it easier now.

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i have little choice brother i'm mentally and physically exhausted even though i slept many hours since yesterday afternoon.

Already i'm totally spend writing these posts. Resting time is now. Yvonne should be up in a few minutes.

Peace.

.

Rene Loup said:

Had a temporary setback in my faith. It's all good now but I'm wondering how many people can hear from God and how many are just simply bullspitting their way through it.

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Yes in this world, where Christianity is split up in countless little groups all claiming to have the truth, this is not easy. i decided to follow the truth of the word with the love of my heart.

i figured God is love, so if i place The truth of His Word in my love for God He will speak to me. And so it has been! Honest brother i have never looked back. However my love has been taught by His truth and refined in His love ten thousand fold. That is how i know He is true God, by the lies He exposed living within me and by the truth which set me free to be myself as He had made me to be, and by the bad life He took away with His loving truth. i got no other guarantee and i don't really need any other. Faith in the unseen is only true psychically, faith in God's loving truth set us free from our sins and brings us His good life spiritually guaranteed.

The Living Word Saves
Meeting Jesus down in my deepest Pit
brought an end to all my inner pain
For lovingly The Word made me fit
to have my Good Life back again.

First The Farmer pulled up my weeds
digging up the dirt and rocks within me
then lovingly sowing His Good Seeds
in time harvesting me most abundantly!

Yes The Word's Voice in Spirit of Love
The Living Word brought me under His care
His love dwelling within me from up above
His everlasting Good Life with me to share.

So please do from your pit walk away
also farming His Good Life in your soul
finding New Life in God's Truth today
The LIVING WORD your constant goal.

.

Rene Loup said:

I wonder if intelligence can be a hindrance to faith or if I'm living in an idiocracy. I know this sounds horrible but this is the kind of dilemma I'm in and need to approach it with humility.

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Yes intelligence can be a hindrance, for we might fall and compare our faith and knowledge of God with that of others, as this world is so good at doing. For yes, you are right, we need to approach our salvation with humility.

Faith as a journey is the best way to describe it. For years i thought God had made a monster the way i had turned out to be in my own eyes believing my inner lies about God, myself and others. Much misery followed.

Then God told me i was His child and that He loved me. Incredible joy and relief followed that revelation. Yet then soon i began to believe that i was more His child than others who hadn't heard Him say that and other things yet, and i fell again, to pride and arrogance this time. Unbelievable misery followed this thinking, me grabbing God's salvation with my low self-esteem.

Not until Jesus humbled me, by taking everything He had given from me, did i learn my lesson. Pride and arrogance lives in the heart of the lawless ones and needs to be avoided all cost if we want to hear what Jesus in His loving truth has to say about life in God's truth.

i learned to understand that Jesus' heart is humble even though He sits at God's Right Hand, and if we want to hear Him speak true, then humble love is essential. i learned to understand that a contrite heart brings us humility.

All in all, after many lessons learned, i now understand that all good things come from God, and that us possessing any good thing is through His grace alone. i learned to understand that we ought to serve humanity with God's good life, and never judge or deny others their (fallen) realities, and glorify our own ego with His gifts from above.

So be of good courage brother. An intelligent mind and a sharp eye will alert you to the lies people have in their faith, and which you know will bring them trouble, and a humbly loving heart will help you show them the truth of our Lord. If only through living your faith in your daily walk of life.

Peace.

Proverbs 3:13-26
Blessed are those who find wisdom,
those who gain understanding,
for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.
She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her;
those who hold her fast will be blessed.


By wisdom the Lord laid the earth’s foundations,
by understanding he set the heavens in place;
by his knowledge the watery depths were divided,
and the clouds let drop the dew.


My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight,
preserve sound judgment and discretion;
they will be life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble.
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
Have no fear of sudden disaster
or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked,
for the Lord will be at your side
and will keep your foot from being snared.

Rene Loup said:

It's not that I'm disillusioned by my church it's just that I'm too logical for my own good.

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Sometimes I pray for things like "Lord, let me understand only what I need to understand, and let me not exhaust myself with what I don't". I'm not smart in the first place, but I still kind of want to be dumber. Well not dumber, but more simple, more focused and at the same time more relaxed. But whatever intelligence we have, we will come to a point where we understand its limits, but we can use it for good nevertheless. Sometimes it is very good to be able to discern and categorize things, because if we believe absolutely everything that others tell us just because someone is telling us something, we might as well not believe anything at all because there is no real ground there. And we are supposed to test things a little, to see if some things hold up.

Concerning our differences in our beliefs, I've always liked Romans 12 and 14, where Paul talks about us being different parts of the body, with different gifts, and later about our different faiths and religious practices. But this isn't what you were wondering about, you were wondering about how can we tell who is true and who is not, so that we would know if we should believe them. We pretty much can't, it's not always obvious and sometimes we don't even know ourselves when we are in the wrong. Someone might have a spiritual gift and isn't using it much. Someone might not have it, but thinks they do, and they just kind of go along with the flow and their feelings - and these people themselves are true in the sense that they're not lying or trying to deceive. In some ways we all kind of fall short, as even the best of us only "know in part, and prophesy in part". But all of us, in whatever we do, if we're not trying to deceive anyone and Christ is in the center, we're doing it for the Lord, even if we're out of our element sometimes. He will help us stand, we can carry our own faith, and let the other one do the same. If people with differing faith can build up each other, great. If they can tolerate each other without conflict, that's fine too. If it leads to something else, time to back off.

The more I have thought about these things, the less I have any confidence in my capabilities to figure it all out. In fact, 50% of more of what I have now typed in this message, might be absolute crap! I just don't know man. So I just want to keep it simple, admit what I don't know once I know what I don't know, and find peace in the sentiment that God knows.

But a humble and gentle heart is still more important. And it's smart to know that, like you do! Give me someone with a humble heart over ten thousand wise men any day.

Feeling still rather downish but nowhere near as bed as a few days ago, so it is going the right way. Sleeping more as well. My mood is sluggish and i don't really feel like doing much. Lets hope the depression will lift soon.

How is everyone else going?

nvm

sea5763 said:

I’m glad you’re doing better Jeshu even if only by a little bit

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Thank you.

And how are you doing?

i hope that the Spirit of all comfort Himself will comfort and strengthen you in your battle with mental illness.

Psalms 34
I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
I will glory in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt his name together.


I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.


Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.


The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.


The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.


The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.


Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The Lord will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

nvm

sea5763 said:

I've been kind of depressed overall for the last couple of weeks, but not more than normal. I'm excited about finishing my last class before I get a bachelor's degree. I'm hoping I graduate on time, cuz I have a job lined up after this and I don't want to lose it by not finishing on time. I'm on a higher dose of meds now. At the moment I'm starting to feel excited that I might actually finish on time and have a job. It would be a dream come true.

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i so hope that Jesus will bless you on your way. It has hard to function normally when we are mentally ill.

What kind of studies do you do? And what kind of job have you lined up? It would indeed be very exciting if everything went to plan.

Do you find that taking more medicines dulls your comprehension and ability to take in new information? i always feel so dull an unmotivated when i'm on psych medicine. Do you get that?

i hope you will have a blessed day.

nvm