what are you feeling right now? (24)

[Jeshu]

Without the meds i hear voices screaming at me 24/7 making any thinking absolutely impossible.

Yes i relate to that reality a lot, its often been like that in my life, coupled with extreme high moods or extreme low moods and so much confusion and anxiety, terror really. So glad to hear those voices have been quelled in your life now and you can even finish your studies and get yourself a job. That is greatest ever!

In my life doctors tried for years to quell those voices, but with very limited success. And because i experienced these voices as those of demons attacking me, i was utterly confused as to why Jesus didn't come to my aid when i called out after Him in my distress. Not realising that i was looking the wrong way to be able to see Jesus. For i was looking in the direction those voices were coming from. Believing their lies literally scared hell out of me. i did not realise that the more i studied/observed my evil voices the more i was compelled by them.

The main Victory in my life was i finally realised that Jesus lived in my heart and i could determine what He was saying to me through the love for the truth of God dwelling in me and through the indwelling love for my neighbour and Creation as well.

His Voice - The Voice of The Living Word didn't come out of my confused and often wildly racing mind, but out of the love dwelling in my heart for God and His created good life.

So i put all my hope in God's truth living within me. For only He spoke always true, and only He brought me God's graceful love truthfully. It was Jesus' Spirit who taught me to ignore my evil voices and look for my salvation in God's Word. And so through the truth of His word and the love of His spirit within me, He took me to the wicked's origin. Destroying those wicked ones sucking my good life out of me with their loveless lies through the trauma and sinful wrongs that had befallen me throughout my deeply troubled past.

i don't know when your voices kicked in but with me it was after a very traumatic event in my life. In this event much evil wrong was committed against me. i almost lost my life in the process. This event kick started evil voices in a big way and had me blindly follow them on their road way to destruction for they spoke to me all the time and when i didn't do their bidding then they screamed at me. And to my utter confusion praying to Jesus didn't seem to help at all.

It has truly amazed me to see how many lies i had internalised about God, myself, the other and Creation in my paranoid Schizophrenic mind. Lies which truly have an unholy energy that sparked trouble in my heart and mind all the time. Yet when the living word began to replace those lies with His loving truth then the scenario became completely different and the voices began to die out of me and my mind slowed down a lot.

Not that Jesus healed me a mentally ill person. For i still become psychotic at times, and if i don't carefully medicate myself, all the time. i hope for healing of course, but know that physical illness can be for life and that His loving truth helps us through it, but often doesn't deliver us until we go to Heaven.

Yet it has been amazing to have won the victory when it comes to my evil voices. They tortured me for many years and almost got me to do their wicked bidding in my by psychosis crazed mind.

Thanking Jesus humbly He cleaned up those pesky voices out of my (and also your) reality.

Peace.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

Is it ever going to be my turn for romance? Why is it everyone I'm interested in doesn't reciprocate, and vice versa?

 

[Jeshu]

Is it ever going to be my turn for romance? Why is it everyone I'm interested in doesn't reciprocate, and vice versa?

A very difficult question brother. i can imagine that this must frustrate you and others in your position a lot. All i can think of saying is the right one hasn't crossed your path yet, or the road to each other hasn't been opened yet, despite your need to have a partner.

Opposites attract, i know this to be true in our marriage, but if it always counts i don't really know with certainty, nor if this is useful information to you. It must be hard to find the right person across the internet.

Wishing you God's comfort and blessing in this part of your life.

Like Scriptures says... Proverbs 31:10 "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."

However Scripture also gives encouraging promises to those looking for a happy family life of their own in the Lord.

Psalm 128
Blessed are all who fear the Lord,
who walk in obedience to him.
You will eat the fruit of your labor;
blessings and prosperity will be yours.
Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
Yes, this will be the blessing
for the man who fears the Lord.


May the Lord bless you from Zion;
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem
all the days of your life.
May you live to see your children’s children—
peace be on Israel.

i sincerely hope that you will find true romance down here and be able to thank the Lord for giving you the desire of your heart.

Peace.

 

[Yusuphhai]

Had a bad argument with my father. He thinks Christianity created a new conception of God, in stead of the Jewish God. But in fact Christianity still claims to trust the God of Abraham, which does not change and is not a different God. My father is an Atheist, He thinks human’s mind can create gods. That means humans will be gods. And he thinks "God" is the western God (because he admires the strongest, including himself)but not the God in the meaning of Bible or Jewish.
I am distressed.
Recently I translated some material into Chinese.

Blessings to all.

 

[Tempura]

Try not to worry about the argument brother. We can all pray for your father and you as well, and trust God to be good. I hope you get relief.

 

[Yusuphhai]

Try not to worry about the argument brother. We can all pray for your father and you as well, and trust God to be good. I hope you get relief.

Thank you dear brother. You are so sweet. Have a blessed day! I will try to speak to my father kindly but not rudely.

 

[sea5763]

nvm

 

[.Mikha'el.]

My voices started as a very faint whisper and just got louder. And louder over time. I now have to take the max dose of vraylar and 20mg a day of abilify to silence the voices. The voices almost got me to commit suicide. I didn’t but I think I came close. I don’t think God has ever spoken to me through voices at this point. However when i first started hearing voices I believed it was God talking to me. I think sometimes God sends me messages through dreams but never through voices. And of course if it conflicts with the Bible it’s wrong. I think I became mentally ill at a very young age like by 8th grade. I already believed I could see the future at that point. When I was finally on meds like 8 years later I had spent my whole life either doing whatever my mom told me to do it what I thought the future was showing me or then what the voices told me to do. When I finally got on meds and could make decisions without being told what to do it was a frightening experience cuz I wasn’t used to it and because I felt more responsibility and no longer had magical thinking making me think I was making the right decisions.

 

[Jeshu]

I don’t think God has ever spoken to me through voices at this point. However when i first started hearing voices I believed it was God talking to me.

No God has never spoken to me through my voices either! i don't think He would do that! So intrusive and overpowering is not how His Spirit works, i know to be true about that now, but there was a time i thought God spoke through my voices. Now i know He speaks through His Spirit of loving truth within me. Where The Living Word speaks to me through my love for God, other and good Creation. He sure teaches truthfully faithful to the word.

Basically what i found was that if we heed His love through the truths of Scripture then we hear His voice and do His bidding. His loving truth has taught me incredible things about how those evil voices operated in my mind. Where traumatic lies gave room for the wicked to influence my sick mind. However when God's loving truth destroyed those lies and healed the trauma experience with His love, He deactivated satan's ability to use my ability to hear evil voices.

i know for certain that all schizophrenic people, for example, have an ability to feel spirituality, both good and bad, at far higher frequencies then average people. This fact the Lord turned to good for me. Teaching me to hate the wicked and expose their lies and ways at every opportunity i have. i hate how satan tortures mentally ill people with his bad life and know that God's good life makes all the difference even when we are still mentally ill.

God taught me this through the truths of Scripture and in the divine love of His Spirit within me. He taught me to read scripture as a personal address of God to me while carefully observing my heart while reading those ancient lines. It is incredible what i have all discovered living in my heart. Firstly unbelievable misery caused by the lies i believed about God, myself and my neighbour, and then slowly but steadily the appearing of is kingdom within. Where the truth in love began to aid me in my battle with the wicked.

i wrote a poem about this time and its outcome.

Zion Descending

At first I heard Dad say,
"Son let us make tracks,
its near getting dark now,
the chosen are all asleep,
now would be best,
as darkness reigns its peak,
for arrogance has him blinded,
to what is really going on."


I saw the sunlight darkened,
the moon turn to blood,
and the stars falling from Heaven.
I felt everything shaking in its boots.
I heard about wars and rumours of wars.
I experienced famine and drought,
grand scale living in wantonness,
rulers making a living out of sin,
Satan's forces installed everywhere,
loveless forces ruling untruthfully.


I heard my inner world crying out in her dying pain,
"What is going on?
The Father is leaving us without the Son,
this can only evil mean."
I heard the angels blow the trumpets!
"Woe to the inhabitants of this soul!"

I heard the agonising cries,
coming from underneath the altar,
the dead in God's love, longingly,
awaiting newness of life!
"Yes, oh Lord, pour out their blood as they did ours!"

I heard the thunders rolling throughout my being,
"Let evil brood fear The Truth of God almighty!
Let judgement begin in The House of God!"

I knew judgement had already began,
when I beheld those massive hails stones,
tumbling down on the heads of the wicked.
I watched my enemies flee in terror!
Scorpion stings burning wrong,
horse hooves kicking up dirt,
truthfulness uncovering shame,
honesty baring nakedness,
the dung of the earth warring,
lies sores causing agony,
pestilence threatening,
as grasshoppers devoured,
my enemies food and good life!

It was fascinating to see,
how weak those are...,
.....so strong in lies!

Yes, honest!
Loving truth is like that!
The freedom to be,
true to yourself,
both in good and bad,
in His love to be.

Oh the release of faith!
Heart rendering awe!
Shouts of glorious praise!
Jumping joy - pure ecstasy!
Glorying in God almighty,
my life's tormentors died,
perishing one after the other.

Seeing Jesus on His white horse,
a blazing sword coming out of His mouth,
His all conquering loving truth
my inner world of being to reap.
Casting dead what is so good to have gone,
raising alive that which I had lost,
bringing new life at each dawn,
His kingdom ruling my world of being,
His presence bringing rest and peace.

Time and again He comes past like this,
(terrorising the wicked agonising their mates demise,)
as all His wheels turn into place.
The Word alive in heavenly love.
Costly gifts descending from above.
beholding the temple of the most high,
the truth of His love Himself my Zion.​

 

[Yusuphhai]

get up too late, it must be changed.

Blessings to all.

 

[Tempura]

get up too late, it must be changed.

Blessings to all.

Yeah same with me. Sometimes I can get up normally for a few days, but then it always turns around. So many nights I've been awake, so many days I've slept. But it is what it is, and at least we can get some sleep. It's better to sleep at the wrong times than to not sleep at all. Sometimes we can force some change for a while, when we absolutely have to be somewhere at a certain time, but I know it can be hard. I hope you can change your sleep patterns easier than I can.

I got up at 8:30pm today. Hahaa. At least I get to read and think about some things.

 

[Jeshu]

get up too late, it must be changed.

Blessings to all.

Better late than never i always think. It is best not to torture yourself with this part of your life. Rather when you wake up in the morning feeling like you don't want to get up. Go to Jesus and give yourself as you are to Him and ask Him to make things as He wills in His love for you and change your thinking and feeling world accordingly.

i know that in my life it was a long time the same as it is with you now. i know first hand how hard it can be to get up and going. Often because the night before i kept myself up far too late doing things that kept sleep away but had my interest.

Also when i was deeply depressed i needed much more sleep and often slept on because i couldn't face the day. Usually such days were my bad days, but i'm not sure if that was because i stayed in bed, or because i stayed in bed because i was not well. i think both were my reality at times.

Today i get up when i feel like it. Usually at 6.30am when Yvonne gets up, but if i have been up during the night then i might catch another hour or so. I'm usually never later than 8am, and that happens rarely. i found that 5-htp really helped me get my sleeping pattern right. i take 200mg a hour or so before i retire and hardly ever stay up later than 10am. Also i don't go on the internet after 8pm much. Too much activity just before sleep doesn't help me sleep well.

i hope you will get your sleeping pattern regulated according to your needs.

Peace.

 

[Jeshu]

Feeling downish and empty inside. This hollow feeling which can easily be mistaken to mean that God has left me, i know He hasn't, but it has been hard to get into contact with His love feeling like this.

i wait on The Lord for i know He has heard my cry for help and will come to my rescue sooner rather than later.

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

 

[Yusuphhai]

The hospital is lack of one kind of my medicine （Minapulun hydrochloride tablets）， so I feel bad for having stopped taking it for 5 days. Now i take 2 prozac each day.

Blessings to all.

 

[Jeshu]

The hospital is lack of one kind of my medicine （Minapulun hydrochloride tablets）， so I feel bad for having stopped taking it for 5 days. Now i take 2 prozac each day.

Blessings to all.

Prayers for you brother. i know how hard life can be when we switch medicine. Such can truly be awful. i hope the Prozac will bring you some relief so you don't have to switch medicine again.

 

[Yusuphhai]

I will go to see a doctor tomorrow.

blessings to all.

 

[Tempura]

I will go to see a doctor tomorrow.

blessings to all.

God bless you brother. One day at a time.

 

[Jeshu]

i've been feeling rather lowish this past week. Still struggling with racing/broken thoughts where i jump from one subject to the next without ever concluding anything. Ever since my return from holidays this has been the case.

i think the bitter sweetness of my home coming kick started this emotional overload. Ever since my psychotic episode Monday last week my mind has been very broken and i have to rally concentrate when i write things that i stay on subject and don't forget to finish my sentences and words, let alone my punctuation and gramma. i think i might try more 5-htp and see if this calms my mind a bit.

i've been thinking a lot about writing a book. A dual story interwoven but in complete different worlds and times. Where a believing person struggles with mental illness in our modern world which runs in parallel with the story of a world in its last days - reflecting all that dwells in the inner world of the main person. A bit how Jesus made me understand Scripture from a personal perspective.

i have wanted to write a book for a long time and even wrote the first chapter already many years ago. However my illness has stopped me from working on it or even thinking about it.

 

[HouseCat71]

I told my husband that sometimes I feel like I'm an alien visiting this planet trying to assimilate into human life only I can't seem to make it work or figure people out. Without missing a beat, he said, 'I know what you mean. I feel like that big bug thing from Men In Black'.



Feeling thankful I'm married to another crazy person.

 

[Tempura]

i have wanted to write a book for a long time and even wrote the first chapter already many years ago. However my illness has stopped me from working on it or even thinking about it.

If it's hard to continue, write something else. No need to contain yourself. You can always come back to the first thing later. Some short stories or weird scenarios or dialogues, whatever you want. If you can't finish a sentence, write the idea down. Go for it, if you have the drive.