- Sep 24, 2017
- 55
- 14
- 33
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
Hi everyone,
I'm new here! This is my first post. To make a long story somewhat short, my wife (24) and I (26) are approaching our 3 year anniversary. Everything was running smooth, at least it appeared that way until the first week of sept when everything collapsed. My wife told me about an old friend that texted her to catch up, she told me it's nothing and they used to have feelings for each other. I wasn't threatened but I told her I was suspicious he wanted more than a friendship despite her intentions. Fast forwarding, they begin talking a lot and the subject matter was questionable. They met up once while I was out of town but my wife insists nothing happened and they just caught up. She didn't even arrange it she says he asked what she was doing and she said she was at Walmart and he on his own went there to find her.
Anyway, I'm upset with the dialogue about past feelings etc and I tell her it's not ok, she needs to cut it off because I'm uncomfortable. She does, but the aftermath has been haunting us going on week 3 now. She says she was attracted to the connection they had that she doesn't feel we have. She says she's not in love with me but loves me so much. We have an incredible companionship, we get along so well and always talk and vibe. But this, threw me for a loop. She completely retreated emotionally, and shut me out. She later told me she wanted to separate. I am thinking this is so drastic! Then she changes to just wanting space. A week passed with her being completely cold, non emotional or caring of me as she used to. Our every interaction was shallow. It kills me. She went through a roller coaster of moods before I told her to take a day and clear her mind (since she wouldn't talk to me) ultimately she went to stay with her grandma for 2.5 days. We didn't talk. She came home on the third day and said she was on hr way to end the marriage when she experienced peace from God as she turned into our apt. This was truly prayers answered. She and I spoke truthfully and open for about an hour on how she felt, she felt we got married too quick, and didn't spend enough time going deep before life swooped in. Nonetheless she's staying and wants to start all the way over. As if we were still dating. She said she cannot do our marriage without intimacy and closeness. I totally agree and I apologized for having my priorities misfocused on my career and our logistical goals of buying a house etc and not on her needs. She admitted she needs to be more vocal about how she feels because she has just been holding in her needs and hoping things would just change.
So here we are, and here I am drumming up all sorts of ideas and immediately paying attention to her and spending quality time with her. We did the love languages test and I'm super attuned now.
Here's where I get lost. She wants us to sleep in separate rooms for the time being in the spirit of starting over. She said she doesn't want to fall back into the rut and feels this will help us work towards the intimacy and closeness more. But I'm feeling like what if this distances us even more? We spend time together in the bedroom at night, then I go to the couch. What do you think of this?
Also, I know this is a process that doesn't take overnight, but is it normal for her to still be withdrawn on some days? One day she's engaged, the next we don't talk much. Conversation is pulling teeth so I let it be and try to surrender it to God.
My wife's been praying and writing in her prayer journal for guidance and the desire to see me and love me right. I'm praying deeply and more than ever too. At the moment I'm paranoid that she's contemplating dicorce still, I'm afraid we're not making progress, and I'm hurt that she's cold sometimes. Also we aren't kissing or hugging much. When I go to kiss her I get her cheek.
It's also worth mentioning that I told her if we will start over I want her to also delete the guy off all social media. What do you think? Is this petty since she's definitely cut off communication? She told him she has to respect her husband. She told me she's sexually dissatisfied and has been for a while. Which also makes me insecure a bit. But she doesn't want to have sex right now since we're starting over. This is so difficult and I don't want to deal anymore blows and I pray we're making strides in the right way.
We have an appt with a counselor next week for our first session.
Thanks in advance
I'm new here! This is my first post. To make a long story somewhat short, my wife (24) and I (26) are approaching our 3 year anniversary. Everything was running smooth, at least it appeared that way until the first week of sept when everything collapsed. My wife told me about an old friend that texted her to catch up, she told me it's nothing and they used to have feelings for each other. I wasn't threatened but I told her I was suspicious he wanted more than a friendship despite her intentions. Fast forwarding, they begin talking a lot and the subject matter was questionable. They met up once while I was out of town but my wife insists nothing happened and they just caught up. She didn't even arrange it she says he asked what she was doing and she said she was at Walmart and he on his own went there to find her.
Anyway, I'm upset with the dialogue about past feelings etc and I tell her it's not ok, she needs to cut it off because I'm uncomfortable. She does, but the aftermath has been haunting us going on week 3 now. She says she was attracted to the connection they had that she doesn't feel we have. She says she's not in love with me but loves me so much. We have an incredible companionship, we get along so well and always talk and vibe. But this, threw me for a loop. She completely retreated emotionally, and shut me out. She later told me she wanted to separate. I am thinking this is so drastic! Then she changes to just wanting space. A week passed with her being completely cold, non emotional or caring of me as she used to. Our every interaction was shallow. It kills me. She went through a roller coaster of moods before I told her to take a day and clear her mind (since she wouldn't talk to me) ultimately she went to stay with her grandma for 2.5 days. We didn't talk. She came home on the third day and said she was on hr way to end the marriage when she experienced peace from God as she turned into our apt. This was truly prayers answered. She and I spoke truthfully and open for about an hour on how she felt, she felt we got married too quick, and didn't spend enough time going deep before life swooped in. Nonetheless she's staying and wants to start all the way over. As if we were still dating. She said she cannot do our marriage without intimacy and closeness. I totally agree and I apologized for having my priorities misfocused on my career and our logistical goals of buying a house etc and not on her needs. She admitted she needs to be more vocal about how she feels because she has just been holding in her needs and hoping things would just change.
So here we are, and here I am drumming up all sorts of ideas and immediately paying attention to her and spending quality time with her. We did the love languages test and I'm super attuned now.
Here's where I get lost. She wants us to sleep in separate rooms for the time being in the spirit of starting over. She said she doesn't want to fall back into the rut and feels this will help us work towards the intimacy and closeness more. But I'm feeling like what if this distances us even more? We spend time together in the bedroom at night, then I go to the couch. What do you think of this?
Also, I know this is a process that doesn't take overnight, but is it normal for her to still be withdrawn on some days? One day she's engaged, the next we don't talk much. Conversation is pulling teeth so I let it be and try to surrender it to God.
My wife's been praying and writing in her prayer journal for guidance and the desire to see me and love me right. I'm praying deeply and more than ever too. At the moment I'm paranoid that she's contemplating dicorce still, I'm afraid we're not making progress, and I'm hurt that she's cold sometimes. Also we aren't kissing or hugging much. When I go to kiss her I get her cheek.
It's also worth mentioning that I told her if we will start over I want her to also delete the guy off all social media. What do you think? Is this petty since she's definitely cut off communication? She told him she has to respect her husband. She told me she's sexually dissatisfied and has been for a while. Which also makes me insecure a bit. But she doesn't want to have sex right now since we're starting over. This is so difficult and I don't want to deal anymore blows and I pray we're making strides in the right way.
We have an appt with a counselor next week for our first session.
Thanks in advance