Wife and I are starting over, help?

[Scott Grissom]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here! This is my first post. To make a long story somewhat short, my wife (24) and I (26) are approaching our 3 year anniversary. Everything was running smooth, at least it appeared that way until the first week of sept when everything collapsed. My wife told me about an old friend that texted her to catch up, she told me it's nothing and they used to have feelings for each other. I wasn't threatened but I told her I was suspicious he wanted more than a friendship despite her intentions. Fast forwarding, they begin talking a lot and the subject matter was questionable. They met up once while I was out of town but my wife insists nothing happened and they just caught up. She didn't even arrange it she says he asked what she was doing and she said she was at Walmart and he on his own went there to find her.

Anyway, I'm upset with the dialogue about past feelings etc and I tell her it's not ok, she needs to cut it off because I'm uncomfortable. She does, but the aftermath has been haunting us going on week 3 now. She says she was attracted to the connection they had that she doesn't feel we have. She says she's not in love with me but loves me so much. We have an incredible companionship, we get along so well and always talk and vibe. But this, threw me for a loop. She completely retreated emotionally, and shut me out. She later told me she wanted to separate. I am thinking this is so drastic! Then she changes to just wanting space. A week passed with her being completely cold, non emotional or caring of me as she used to. Our every interaction was shallow. It kills me. She went through a roller coaster of moods before I told her to take a day and clear her mind (since she wouldn't talk to me) ultimately she went to stay with her grandma for 2.5 days. We didn't talk. She came home on the third day and said she was on hr way to end the marriage when she experienced peace from God as she turned into our apt. This was truly prayers answered. She and I spoke truthfully and open for about an hour on how she felt, she felt we got married too quick, and didn't spend enough time going deep before life swooped in. Nonetheless she's staying and wants to start all the way over. As if we were still dating. She said she cannot do our marriage without intimacy and closeness. I totally agree and I apologized for having my priorities misfocused on my career and our logistical goals of buying a house etc and not on her needs. She admitted she needs to be more vocal about how she feels because she has just been holding in her needs and hoping things would just change.

So here we are, and here I am drumming up all sorts of ideas and immediately paying attention to her and spending quality time with her. We did the love languages test and I'm super attuned now.

Here's where I get lost. She wants us to sleep in separate rooms for the time being in the spirit of starting over. She said she doesn't want to fall back into the rut and feels this will help us work towards the intimacy and closeness more. But I'm feeling like what if this distances us even more? We spend time together in the bedroom at night, then I go to the couch. What do you think of this?

Also, I know this is a process that doesn't take overnight, but is it normal for her to still be withdrawn on some days? One day she's engaged, the next we don't talk much. Conversation is pulling teeth so I let it be and try to surrender it to God.

My wife's been praying and writing in her prayer journal for guidance and the desire to see me and love me right. I'm praying deeply and more than ever too. At the moment I'm paranoid that she's contemplating dicorce still, I'm afraid we're not making progress, and I'm hurt that she's cold sometimes. Also we aren't kissing or hugging much. When I go to kiss her I get her cheek.

It's also worth mentioning that I told her if we will start over I want her to also delete the guy off all social media. What do you think? Is this petty since she's definitely cut off communication? She told him she has to respect her husband. She told me she's sexually dissatisfied and has been for a while. Which also makes me insecure a bit. But she doesn't want to have sex right now since we're starting over. This is so difficult and I don't want to deal anymore blows and I pray we're making strides in the right way.

We have an appt with a counselor next week for our first session.

Thanks in advance

 

[St_Worm2]

Hi Scott, I see you are new around here, so first off, WELCOME TO CF ..

That said, you are doing the right thing by seeking counseling. You are welcome to seek out a secular counselor, of course, but you guys need to have Christian counseling sessions (with your pastor, if possible) as I believe those will be far more important and useful for you two as Christians, especially at this point.

You might also try a Campus Crusade for Christ's Weekend to Remember this year. You'll hear and be given more solid marriage building tools than you'll know what to do with, and I can guarantee you that it will be one of the most memorable/most fun things you will ever do as a married couple.

I would also recommend that you study deeply, learn, and then apply the principles that the Bible teaches us on how to be the kind of loving husband/leader in your home that God calls us to be. Don't worry about whether she is being the Biblical wife she is supposed to be right now or not, just focus on learning and doing what is expected of you by the Lord .. start with Ephesians 5 .. because loving her like that, by itself, should do the trick (you might want to check out two recent sermons here .. "Loving Husbands #1" and today's sermon, which I'm sure will be posted by these guys in the next day or two, "Loving Husbands #2", as means of beginning to correctly engage with all that Ephesians 5 has to say about the husband's role/duties to his wife in marriage).

I would also be VERY patient with her, patience being the #1 ingredient (so to speak) in love .. 1 Corinthians 13:4. Remember too that Godly love (ἀγάπη [agape]) is first and foremost a "choice", which is a good thing for us, because if Godly love was based principally upon what God "feels" about us, we'd all be in trouble (and so it is in marriage, we .. first and foremost, "choose" to love our spouses).

I see no Biblical grounds for a divorce (or even a separation, actually) in what you've written above, but again, you will want your pastor to tell you wife that (actually, it sounds like she already knows if I am reading between the lines correctly ).

Hang in there brother, patiently, constantly praying/seeking the Lord about all of this.

Praying for both you and your wife.

God bless you! (Numbers 6:24-26; Isaiah 40:31; Ephesians 5:22-33)

--David

Ephesians 5
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.
31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.
32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.​

 

[Scott Grissom]

Hi Scott, I see you are new around here, so first off, WELCOME TO CF ..

That said, you are doing the right thing by seeking counseling. You are welcome to seek out a secular counselor, of course, but you guys need to have Christian counseling sessions (with your pastor, if possible) as I believe those will be far more important and useful for you two as Christians, especially at this point.

You might also try a Campus Crusade for Christ's Weekend to Remember this year. You'll hear and be given more solid marriage building tools than you'll know what to do with, and I can guarantee you that it will be one of the most memorable/most fun things you will ever do as a married couple.

I would also recommend that you study deeply, learn, and then apply the principles that the Bible teaches us on how to be the kind of loving husband/leader in your home that God calls us to be. Don't worry about whether she is being the Biblical wife she is supposed to be right now or not, just focus on learning and doing what is expected of you by the Lord .. start with Ephesians 5 .. because loving her like that, by itself, should do the trick (you might want to check out two recent sermons here .. "Loving Husband's #1" and today's sermon, which I'm sure will be posted by these guys in the next day or two, "Loving Husband's #2", as means of beginning to correctly engage with all that Ephesians 5 has to say about the husband's role/duties to his wife in marriage).

I would also be VERY patient with her, patience being the #1 ingredient (so to speak) in love .. 1 Corinthians 13:4. Remember too that Godly love (ἀγάπη [agape]) is first and foremost a "choice", which is a good thing for us, because if Godly love was based principally upon what God "feels" about us, we'd all be in trouble (and so it is in marriage, we .. first and foremost, "choose" to love our spouses).

I see no Biblical grounds for a divorce (or even a separation, actually) in what you've written above, but again, you will want your pastor to tell you wife that (actually, it sounds like she already knows if I am reading between the lines correctly ).

Hang in there brother, patiently, constantly praying/seeking the Lord about all of this.

Praying for both you and your wife.

God bless you! (Numbers 6:24-26; Isaiah 40:31; Ephesians 5:22-33)

--David

Ephesians 5
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.
31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.
32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.​

Thank you David, your post has greatly encouraged me and I'm setting up to listen to the sermon now. First I'll read Ephesians 5 again. I will seek out pastoral support, I hadn't thought of that! I will continue to love my wife despite the difficult times right now and uncertainty. Indeed it is a challenge but one I'm absolutely up for and God is definitely giving me the strength and love it requires. Thank you for saying not to worry about her being the Godly wife right now, I was flirting with the notion it was my responsibility to somehow make her one right now. Which caused additional strife.

All in all I'm glad I joined and I'm here. Thank you!

 

[unfinishedclay]

Hi Scott. Im sorry you're going through this. I plan to pray that God sends older mature Christian married women into your wife's path. She needs a set of friends to whom she can relate and from whom she can gain Biblical insight - ongoing.

I understand the things she said to you were a blow to the heart. I want to reiterate what St W 2 said in his post. Put Ephesians 5 into action with counseling and dedicated prayer/devotion through the Word to Jesus Christ. And also consider your wife might be dealing with a problem of not knowing what love truly is. Some people thrive on the feeling of euphoria and dont understand how or why it actually comes and goes in marriage. She misses that "old feeling" of newness, mystery and adventure. That new car scent so to speak. Thats why Hollywood couples cant hold down marriages. The perspective has to change and mature beginning with her growth in Christ.

Keep loving her as Christ loves the church. Stand on Ephesians 5. And just know that marriages have their ups and downs. We wont always FEEL in love. Life happens. From bills to morning appearance. Bringing a third party in with inappropriate communications is not only unacceptable but points to a need for spiritual growth. Im praying. There is great hope in Jesus Christ.

 

[St_Worm2]

Thank you David, your post has greatly encouraged me and I'm setting up to listen to the sermon now. First I'll read Ephesians 5 again. I will seek out pastoral support, I hadn't thought of that! I will continue to love my wife despite the difficult times right now and uncertainty. Indeed it is a challenge but one I'm absolutely up for and God is definitely giving me the strength and love it requires. Thank you for saying not to worry about her being the Godly wife right now, I was flirting with the notion it was my responsibility to somehow make her one right now. Which caused additional strife.

All in all I'm glad I joined and I'm here. Thank you!

I'm glad you found us as well You can also talk to one of our chaplains here at https://www.christianforums.com/forums/ask-a-chaplain.792/

Finally, once you get 20 posts and 5 likes, you can also use our private messaging service, so just keep posting away and you'll reach that # in no time

BTW, here's a free resource that you might be interested in from R C Sproul: What is Christian Marriage? by R.C. Sproul

Yours and His,
David

 

[Scott Grissom]

Hi Scott. Im sorry you're going through this. I plan to pray that God sends older mature Christian married women into your wife's path. She needs a set of friends to whom she can relate and from whom she can gain Biblical insight - ongoing.

I understand the things she said to you were a blow to the heart. I want to reiterate what St W 2 said in his post. Put Ephesiand 5 into action with counseling and dedicated prayer/devotion through the Word to Jesus. And also consider your wife might be dealing with a problem of not knowing what love truly is. Some people thrive on the feeling of euphoria and dont understand how or why it actually comes and goes in marriage. She misses that "old feeling" of newness, mystery and adventure. That new car scent to speak. Thats why Hollywood couples cant hold down marriages. The perspective has to change and mature beginning with her growth in Christ.

Keep loving her as Chrisf loves the church. Stand on Ephesians 5. And just know that marriages have their ups and downs. We wont always FEEL in love. Life happens. From bills to morning appearance. Bringing a third party in is not only unacceptable but points to a need for spiritual growth. Im praying. There is great hope in Jesus Christ.

Thank you as well. Yes I have just read Ep 5 and I will stand on this and in prayer. My wife has said love is a feeling, to which I corrected her that it is an action, a decision. But I'm not sure it was received. I pray God works in her on this. It's certainly that feeling she's after, I will also say that I've been working and focusing on making our life and I admit I took my eyes and focus off nurturing my wife's emotional needs unknowingly. I've course corrected since she's revealed this to me, and still feel we should be able to resolve and move beyond this. Thank you

 

[Scott Grissom]

I am remaining in prayer and feel I have direction to go in!

 

[St_Worm2]

How should I handle my wife's desire to sleep in separate rooms? I've always felt this widens the intimacy gap. She said she doesn't want us to get comfortable and slip back into our old routine and I inadvertently disregard her emotional needs again. My plan is to assure her that will not happen, and that I think we should stay in the same bed because it's on the path in faith to intimacy.

Hi Scott, I wouldn't push for anything that she doesn't feel comfortable with for the time being. I know this is tough, but this is the time that you need to focus on learning what it means to love and care for your wife in the way God intends you to. I would also wait to see what your Christian and secular counselors have to say and follow their advice concerning the short-term future of your sleeping arrangements. That way your wife may also feel like she's part of whatever happens, rather than possibly feeling like she's being imposed upon.

Patience and kindness are two of the principle keys to loving, so you must lovingly/patiently wait on her now (and on the Lord and His answers as well), always keeping the Lord as the principle focus of your love, of course, and at the very center of your marriage.

Praying for you!

--David

 

[Scott Grissom]

Ok will do! I am so grateful for the Godly advice. My wife and I just had a good long heart to heart. We did an exercise where we listed the things we loved about each other and the things that got under each of ours skin. It was fun and good. Today was a bad day for my wife, she's feeling discouraged and not up for the fight. I told her I loved her and know we will overcome this. She said some days she's optimistic and others she's not. She said she feels weak minded. We at least got to connect and it's apparent that we are both wanting to find the light at the end of the tunnel here. We are trying to figure out our connection, what is it that brings us together, she said she doesn't know. We were advised by a trusted married family member to rediscover what that connection is and create a plan to focus on that. But we don't know. We discussed what we love about our relationship and she said we have great honest communication, we love each other, and we get along really well. But we both don't feel intimately close, and as a result our sex life suffers. A better night, we didn't find a solution but we got to talk openly and I'm grateful to God for that.

 

[tall73]

It sounds like you all are on the right track as far as spending more time, building closeness etc.

As was noted above, even if your marriage is very close, married life is different than that initial feeling of infatuation while dating. That is something that is meant to initially cement the relationship. You can still have intimacy, closeness, later, but some of the aspects of that emotional and chemical reaction are different. And there is something different about pursuit, or being pursued, than living in a relationship.

This back and forth aspect of one day being for it, and another not may be her turning off thoughts of this other possibility that came up with this other guy. And keep in mind, it is not necessarily him that drove her thoughts, but the novelty of it, and the idea of romance. In fact in many cases when someone has such thoughts the person they have the thoughts for is not even a good match, or someone she would necessarily be attracted to more. If someone is dissatisfied they can imagine a better situation with someone else, even if the situation would in no way be better in reality.

The more you spend time together and re-build your relationship the more that will fade, as long as she doesn't continue conversing with him. There is the possibility if you spend time working on your relationship that you could experience some of the similar feelings to that initial romantic period again. But during that time as things start to get better it would be good to have further discussions about what love looks like down the road.

If she stated that sex is not good you may need to discuss that further. She noted that there was a lack of closeness in general, and that can certainly kill sexual desire. However, if she says she is sexually dissatisfied for a while, then there may be more to it.

You need to discuss what she would actually like to see out of sex, not just generally, but specifically what actions, what kind of touch, how much foreplay etc. If she is not climaxing then you may have to discuss what would be needed for that to happen. If she is experiencing pain or something that may have to be looked into.

If the frequency is a problem you can discuss that too. Sometimes things get busy and you just get off track in that regard.

If you start talking about it in a constructive way then you won't have to be insecure about it. You can just work together to make things better in that regard for both of you. Sex in married couples generally improves over time as you learn more about what the other person likes, as long as you keep communicating on the issue.

 

[Scott Grissom]

It sounds like you all are on the right track as far as spending more time, building closeness etc.

As was noted above, even if your marriage is very close, married life is different than that initial feeling of infatuation while dating. That is something that is meant to initially cement the relationship. You can still have intimacy, closeness, later, but some of the aspects of that emotional and chemical reaction are different. And there is something different about pursuit, or being pursued, than living in a relationship.

This back and forth aspect of one day being for it, and another not may be her turning off thoughts of this other possibility that came up with this other guy. And keep in mind, it is not necessarily him that drove her thoughts, but the novelty of it, and the idea of romance. In fact in many cases when someone has such thoughts the person they have the thoughts for is not even a good match, or someone she would necessarily be attracted to more. If someone is dissatisfied they can imagine a better situation with someone else, even if the situation would in no way be better in reality.

The more you spend time together and re-build your relationship the more that will fade, as long as she doesn't continue conversing with him. There is the possibility if you spend time working on your relationship that you could experience some of the similar feelings to that initial romantic period again. But during that time as things start to get better it would be good to have further discussions about what love looks like down the road.

If she stated that sex is not good you may need to discuss that further. She noted that there was a lack of closeness in general, and that can certainly kill sexual desire. However, if she says she is sexually dissatisfied for a while, then there may be more to it.

You need to discuss what she would actually like to see out of sex, not just generally, but specifically what actions, what kind of touch, how much foreplay etc. If she is not climaxing then you may have to discuss what would be needed for that to happen. If she is experiencing pain or something that may have to be looked into.

If the frequency is a problem you can discuss that too. Sometimes things get busy and you just get off track in that regard.

If you start talking about it in a constructive way then you won't have to be insecure about it. You can just work together to make things better in that regard for both of you. Sex in married couples generally improves over time as you learn more about what the other person likes, as long as you keep communicating on the issue.

Thank you and happy birthday!

I have a question, so you're saying the on and off feelings day to day are caused by her turning off thoughts with other guy? Makes sense as she just told me last night she's unfriended him on Facebook, which is something I wanted her to do for the sake of making the decision to remove him. I hear you on the novelty and not necessarily the person. Maybe you can help me with this too, she says she's always felt loved but felt like we were playing house. Like we have all the exterior things that make us look perfect but not the love inside.

I'm panicking because I feel like I don't know how to love her, anymore. I feel like what I've been doing the last 2.5 years is no longer going to work, she actually told me that. So I'm quickly trying to learn how to connect with her. She says she's not 100% ready in terms of enthusiasm and effort. She said today she doesn't feel even close, but that Thursday she felt really optimistic and good after we decided to start over. Friday night I planned a date and it totally blew up in my face. The restaurant was hastily chosen, but the real problem was we went to a place I thought would be great, an observation deck 70 stories up in LA. She thought it was nice but did feel like I considered HER and what SHE would have really liked. She said that night kind of pushed her back in her shell.

I'm desperately trying to connect. We both are trying to discover what our connection is or how to connect at all right now. I'm trying to not force it and let it come naturally, but I feel like we're under the gun to connect quickly as it feels like she's slipping away.

How can I reconnect with my wife? Suggestions?

 

[tall73]

Thank you and happy birthday!

I have a question, so you're saying the on and off feelings day to day are caused by her turning off thoughts with other guy? Makes sense as she just told me last night she's unfriended him on Facebook, which is something I wanted her to do for the sake of making the decision to remove him.

There are no real certainties here, but that is likely. If you start hoping for something, and receive a dopamine reward each time you communicate (text or whatever), in the form of excitement, then that takes a bit of time to forget. Essentially, and you don't need to refer to it this way with her, but she likely was infatuated with the notion.

What she is probably hoping for is that she can get that same infatuation back with you. And you might. But even if so it won't last.

Either way working on being close helps in that love is ultimately a choice to be loving to one another, and not a chasing after emotional excitement.

I hear you on the novelty and not necessarily the person. Maybe you can help me with this too, she says she's always felt loved but felt like we were playing house. Like we have all the exterior things that make us look perfect but not the love inside.

Well I can only help you by asking about your relationship. You know if this is true for your part. Did you really love her, emotionally and in action? If so did things slide a bit lately? Did it seem like she was in love at one point, or were there always issues there?

Sometimes it may be true that she never felt like the relationship was right. Other times when people are dissatisfied they tend to re-imagine even the beginning of the relationship to fit that dissatisfaction. They view the whole relationship from a negative light, even if at first it wasn't. That can change too if you spend time together and she remembers that it was not really bat at first.

As to exterior things, she would have to explain that. I am not sure if she means a house, and an official marriage, etc.

 

[tall73]

I'm panicking because I feel like I don't know how to love her, anymore. I feel like what I've been doing the last 2.5 years is no longer going to work, she actually told me that.

I just want to clarify, you don't know how to love her anymore, or you don't know how to make her feel loved?

Are you struggling with loving her now because of the situation? Or just feeling that you are having to look for new ways to connect?

Keep in mind, it is understandable if you feel some betrayal, etc. as well. And now on top of that she is saying that you need to change everything to make it work for her. That may be true, but if she was dissatisfied with the relationship there were better ways to let that be known, and before now. So do the best you can to show her love. If you are having some feelings of rejection, etc. and I can certainly see why you would, do your best to realize what this was--a poor response to a common situation where things drift in a relationship. You can help get things back on track by working on being close and acknowledging (which it sounds like you did) that things were not great lately in terms of time spent, etc. But this is not all on you to work out or to make sure she is happy. Nor is it up to you to entirely figure out what makes her feel loved. She still has to communicate with you what she wants.

So I'm quickly trying to learn how to connect with her. She says she's not 100% ready in terms of enthusiasm and effort. She said today she doesn't feel even close, but that Thursday she felt really optimistic and good after we decided to start over. Friday night I planned a date and it totally blew up in my face. The restaurant was hastily chosen, but the real problem was we went to a place I thought would be great, an observation deck 70 stories up in LA. She thought it was nice but did feel like I considered HER and what SHE would have really liked. She said that night kind of pushed her back in her shell.

a. ask her what she wants.

b. She is getting over an emotional connection and that doesn't just turn off. She is hoping to re-ignite your emotional connection, and that doesn't just turn on.

c. She needs to get over herself a bit. She strayed mentally, you are trying, and she needs to see that for what it is. You are not responsible for her mixed up emotions. Her bad choices are responsible for them.

I'm desperately trying to connect. We both are trying to discover what our connection is or how to connect at all right now. I'm trying to not force it and let it come naturally, but I feel like we're under the gun to connect quickly as it feels like she's slipping away.

How can I reconnect with my wife? Suggestions?

You are not under the gun. If she wants to leave she will eventually leave. If she wants temporary infatuation and lust with someone else to get what she thinks will be better sex she will statistically speaking likely wind up a total wreck emotionally and spiritually and probably in other ways. She likely realizes this on some level.

She needs to see things as they are. You all were not as close as you should have been for a while. You can communicate and see how to rebuild things. It still won't be a hot romance novel, and life is not constantly like that no matter who you are with.

She may not feel like it everyday. But you are not the one on trial here to make sure you please her. She has to find a way to be content with her spiritual, sexual, married life and find ways together to make it better.

 

[Scott Grissom]

There are no real certainties here, but that is likely. If you start hoping for something, and receive a dopamine reward each time you communicate (text or whatever), in the form of excitement, then that takes a bit of time to forget. Essentially, and you don't need to refer to it this way with her, but she likely was infatuated with the notion.

What she is probably hoping for is that she can get that same infatuation back with you. And you might. But even if so it won't last.

Either way working on being close helps in that love is ultimately a choice to be loving to one another, and not a chasing after emotional excitement.



Well I can only help you by asking about your relationship. You know if this is true for your part. Did you really love her, emotionally and in action? If so did things slide a bit lately? Did it seem like she was in love at one point, or were there always issues there?

Sometimes it may be true that she never felt like the relationship was right. Other times when people are dissatisfied they tend to re-imagine even the beginning of the relationship to fit that dissatisfaction. They view the whole relationship from a negative light, even if at first it wasn't. That can change too if you spend time together and she remembers that it was not really bat at first.

As to exterior things, she would have to explain that. I am not sure if she means a house, and an official marriage, etc.

She's told me that she wants to look at me and say that's the man I chose to be with. Or wake up and just have a sparkle in her eye for me. She wants to want to jump my bones and want to have sex with me, she said she wants to desire me but doesn't know why she doesn't.

I always felt that our sex life waned, but I chalked it up to ebb and flow and because she didn't express dissatisfaction and it didn't seem to affect our relationship day to day, things were good. Prior to this ordeal we were not miserable. We went places and did things. We were caught in the routine a bit, but we went out to the movies and dinner and went on couples trips with couple friends. I knew things were not perfect but I never felt empty like she's saying she's been feeling. And she's def not expressed that to me ever before.

I can see how she feels things were empty because we didn't invest specifically in spending uninterrupted 1:1 time regularly. I didn't. We were just sort of living and doing our thing of work, our daughter, dinner and our fav tv shows...day to day. I was content because this is largely what I saw in my parents marriage and life growing up. I didn't know she craved or needed more.

From the beginning of our relationship it was good, and exciting because we had so many things going on. New jobs and both in school in a new area. But she's recently told me she is stuck on the possibility we got married too quickly without getting deep enough and close enough first. She recalls feeling unsure if she was ready at the time, but felt if she didn't say yes she would lose me forever. She wishes we took a step back and continued to date longer. (We were together 3 years, but it was on again off, with about 7 months of steady improvement before I proposed).

I feel like I must quickly connect with her and learn to love her the way she wants to be loved. I'm trying to not be hasty, and it's easy for me to love her through this, but all types of intimacy she's closed off to right now. Kissing, sleeping in the same bed, etc. I sort of feel like I'm fighting alone with now or like a scientist trying different concoctions to see what works hoping she responds. I wish we could go back to how we were and build intimacy from that point because at least then she wasn't up and down and emotionally distant.

 

[Scott Grissom]

I just want to clarify, you don't know how to love her anymore, or you don't know how to make her feel loved?

Are you struggling with loving her now because of the situation? Or just feeling that you are having to look for new ways to connect?

Keep in mind, it is understandable if you feel some betrayal, etc. as well. And now on top of that she is saying that you need to change everything to make it work for her. That may be true, but if she was dissatisfied with the relationship there were better ways to let that be known, and before now. So do the best you can to show her love. If you are having some feelings of rejection, etc. and I can certainly see why you would, do your best to realize what this was--a poor response to a common situation where things drift in a relationship. You can help get things back on track by working on being close and acknowledging (which it sounds like you did) that things were not great lately in terms of time spent, etc. But this is not all on you to work out or to make sure she is happy. Nor is it up to you to entirely figure out what makes her feel loved. She still has to communicate with you what she wants.



a. ask her what she wants.

b. She is getting over an emotional connection and that doesn't just turn off. She is hoping to re-ignite your emotional connection, and that doesn't just turn on.

c. She needs to get over herself a bit. She strayed mentally, you are trying, and she needs to see that for what it is. You are not responsible for her mixed up emotions. Her bad choices are responsible for them.



You are not under the gun. If she wants to leave she will eventually leave. If she wants temporary infatuation and lust with someone else to get what she thinks will be better sex she will statistically speaking likely wind up a total wreck emotionally and spiritually and probably in other ways. She likely realizes this on some level.

She needs to see things as they are. You all were not as close as you should have been for a while. You can communicate and see how to rebuild things. It still won't be a hot romance novel, and life is not constantly like that no matter who you are with.

She may not feel like it everyday. But you are not the one on trial here to make sure you please her. She has to find a way to be content with her spiritual, sexual, married life and find ways together to make it better.

Good question- I do not know how to make her feel loved. She actually told me right now she feels numb. I am not struggling to love her, but struggling to find new ways to connect, and struggling to define what connected us in the first place.

I feel like she tells me what she wants to feel, and then Im trying to figure out what that translates to in action. She has told me in action something's, like she wants me to consider her likes and interests when I plan dates etc. I can do that. The difficulty in communication arises on days like yesterday where we just do not talk much during the day. Conversation is pulling teeth and I get discouraged because I don't want to get short bland answers, that's not conversation so I just stop trying to talk to her and let the silence sit. She'll play music. I'll rack my brain as to what to do and then relax myself by telling myself be patient and then I'll pray. Later on she typically opens up.

She does recognize that leaving isn't the best choice but I don't think she grasps the reality of how much worse things would get trying to start over for sex or infatuation or in general. I truly truly feel this issue is not grounds for divorce and is certainly reconcilable. But I feel she's waning and some days feeling too weak to try. These days are the ones I feel the hardest because I feel alone and rejected in my efforts.

It does take two and I shouldn't be on trial for her happiness, but that's exactly how I feel. I feel like I've been told I have to change my entire MO of how I make her feel loved almost overnight. I told her to be patient with me and she said she knows it's hard. We are going to Vegas for the week and I hope we get to reconnect and spend time together, but she's told me she's not excited about it because she might not feel like doing anything or going and doesn't want to feel in this mood she's in now. I told her if she wants to just hang out and do nothing that's ok, we don't have to do anything over the top we can just spend time together in the room or whatever. She said that comforts her but she's still concerned.

 

[RaymondG]

I've been through something similar, here is what i would like to have done if I was able to go back in time. I would focus on loving myself, knowing that if I couldnt stand to be alone.....no one else would stand to be alone with me as well. I would go to a gym...meet new people, new friends of both sexes. Be happy with the idea of being alone again knowing that if God lets one girl leave me, It is because there is someone better waiting for me. All I need is God....I should be happy with it just being me and Him for a while. If she wants someone else...Im happy for her......and the next Girl who now have the blessing of being my wife.

I shouldn't have to force anyone to love me when there are so many others out there willing to do so without any pressure at all. But I couldnt see it because all my attention was on trying to force someone to love me who doesnt seem to want to.

When you see yourself as the best husband and bedroom dancer in the world.....others will as well...including your current wife. When you see yourself and a sad case, who no one wants...everyone else will as well including your wife.

All you need to be happy is yourself and God.....when you start being happy alone.....you will have trouble staying alone...because the women will be knocking your door down to be in your happy, self-confident, i-am-the-man, presence.

P.S. I would not have taken this advise when I was in your situation and your age....so it is not something i expect you to understand for another few years.....then you will feel like I did......wishing you had done it years earlier.

 

[Scott Grissom]

I've been through something similar, here is what i would like to have done if I was able to go back in time. I would focus on loving myself, knowing that if I couldnt stand to be alone.....no one else would stand to be alone with me as well. I would go to a gym...meet new people, new friends of both sexes. Be happy with the idea of being alone again knowing that if God lets one girl leave me, It is because there is someone better waiting for me. All I need is God....I should be happy with it just being me and Him for a while. If she wants someone else...Im happy for her......and the next Girl who now have the blessing of being my wife.

I shouldn't have to force anyone to love me when there are so many others out there willing to do so without any pressure at all. But I couldnt see it because all my attention was on trying to force someone to love me who doesnt seem to want to.

When you see yourself as the best husband and bedroom dancer in the world.....others will as well...including your current wife. When you see yourself and a sad case, who no one wants...everyone else will as well including your wife.

All you need to be happy is yourself and God.....when you start being happy alone.....you will have trouble staying alone...because the women will be knocking your door down to be in your happy, self-confident, i-am-the-man, presence.

P.S. I would not have taken this advise when I was in your situation and your age....so it is not something i expect you to understand for another few years.....then you will feel like I did......wishing you had done it years earlier.

Hi Raymond,

I have actually been in the gym a lot and I've never felt closer to God from this. In some ways the hurt of her leaving is less because I'm taking care of myself physically and I'm feeling more reliant on and closer to God.

It is true that perhaps there is force going on here. I pray regularly that I surrender myself and my marriage to God and I am getting much closer to letting go of trying to steer the ship. I guess it's how God built me, I want to control and steer things toward an outcome but that isn't working this far. So I'm giving it to God. It's just very scary to not try and control things because I feel like I have to do things to stop our marriage from ending. I feel like if I do not DO something, anything, then we just drift apart and she leaves because I ceased to act. Br when I DO something sometimes it's received and I feel like we've moved the ball up the field and other times I do something and I feel like we moved back or didn't move at all.

We have a 1 year old daughter and I just don't want her to have a split family life. I really don't. I don't think my wife is too too concerned with that though she is to a degree, but not completely and I think it's because she grew up in a split family and turned out "fine".

I just feel there's a very real solution here she just has to be onboard 100%. I'm hoping that much of her effort and attention returns after she's over and passed the emotional seeds she planted with someone else.

We talked about how we would hate to split for wrong reasons and years pass and she regrets it, and at that point we're both in totally separate places in our lives and can't rekindle.

 

[RaymondG]

Hi Raymond,

I have actually been in the gym a lot and I've never felt closer to God from this. In some ways the hurt of her leaving is less because I'm taking care of myself physically and I'm feeling more reliant on and closer to God.

It is true that perhaps there is force going on here. I pray regularly that I surrender myself and my marriage to God and I am getting much closer to letting go of trying to steer the ship. I guess it's how God built me, I want to control and steer things toward an outcome but that isn't working this far. So I'm giving it to God. It's just very scary to not try and control things because I feel like I have to do things to stop our marriage from ending. I feel like if I do not DO something, anything, then we just drift apart and she leaves because I ceased to act. Br when I DO something sometimes it's received and I feel like we've moved the ball up the field and other times I do something and I feel like we moved back or didn't move at all.

We have a 1 year old daughter and I just don't want her to have a split family life. I really don't. I don't think my wife is too too concerned with that though she is to a degree, but not completely and I think it's because she grew up in a split family and turned out "fine".

I just feel there's a very real solution here she just has to be onboard 100%. I'm hoping that much of her effort and attention returns after she's over and passed the emotional seeds she planted with someone else.

We talked about how we would hate to split for wrong reasons and years pass and she regrets it, and at that point we're both in totally separate places in our lives and can't rekindle.

The more time you spend steering the ship, the less time God has to steer it. I've found that most of my breakthroughs and deliverance have come only after I've thrown my hands up and had given up....Then God steps in. But God is Patient....He will wait as long as he has to for you to continue to try and fix it yourself. He doesn't mind you trying. Continue to give all your energy and thoughts and worries to your situation....and do the best you can to save the life you have.

Once you are done, you can cast your cares on Him and leave them there....then he will give the life you should have....and life more abundantly.

Like I said, my situation was very close to yours....instead I had a son not daughter. I Gave up on my wife and the marriage and thought no more about it! I Mentally walked out the Door....but God stayed behind.......And because I wasnt there anymore with my worrying and emotional pain that follows worrying.....He was able to work. Now ten years latter, God more than Doubled my Children and my happiness with the same one wife. Whom the son sets free is free indeed. That year or so of worrying took years off my life... I was going to live to see 105, now I may only make it to 102.....And all this could have been avoided had I let God fix it from the beginning.

Im not saying your situation will work out like mine.....but that it is best to leave the work to the one who knows your end from the beginning. All things work together for the good.

 

[Scott Grissom]

The more time you spend steering the ship, the less time God has to steer it. I've found that most of my breakthroughs and deliverance have come only after I've thrown my hands up and had given up....Then God steps in. But God is Patient....He will wait as long as he has to for you to continue to try and fix it yourself. He doesn't mind you trying. Continue to give all your energy and thoughts and worries to your situation....and do the best you can to save the life you have.

Once you are done, you can cast your cares on Him and leave them there....then he will give the life you should have....and life more abundantly.

Like I said, my situation was very close to yours....instead I had a son not daughter. I Gave up on my wife and the marriage and thought no more about it! I Mentally walked out the Door....but God stayed behind.......And because I wasnt there anymore with my worrying and emotional pain that follows worrying.....He was able to work. Now ten years latter, God more than Doubled my Children and my happiness with the same one wife. Whom the son sets free is free indeed. That year or so of worrying took years off my life... I was going to live to see 105, now I may only make it to 102.....And all this could have been avoided had I let God fix it from the beginning.

Im not saying your situation will work out like mine.....but that it is best to leave the work to the one who knows your end from the beginning. All things work together for the good.

Praise God, what a story. This will be my single most focused prayer. That I surrender to God and let Him take the reigns. He knows my heart and He knows my wife's. And He is FOR marriage.

What do you think it looks like to surrender completely my marriage and the situation to God?

 

[Endeavourer]

I am sorry for the reasons you are here.

My wife told me about an old friend that texted her to catch up, she told me it's nothing and they used to have feelings for each other. I wasn't threatened but I told her I was suspicious he wanted more than a friendship despite her intentions.

Here is where you went wrong. You needed to run the other man off - and you still can do so. He is poaching in your family and your marriage.

Fast forwarding, they begin talking a lot and the subject matter was questionable. They met up once while I was out of town but my wife insists nothing happened and they just caught up. She didn't even arrange it she says he asked what she was doing and she said she was at Walmart and he on his own went there to find her.

This is what happens when you don't run the other man off. He keeps digging into your marriage. He will continue to deepen his entrenchment until you do this.

She says she's not in love with me but loves me so much.

This is stereoptyical speak for "I'm having an affair." 99% of the time this statement is used, the other person is having an affair.

She completely retreated emotionally, and shut me out. She later told me she wanted to separate.

This is TEXTBOOK behavior for someone in an active affair. She is nursing her addiction to the other man. You need to run him off, disrupt her ability to get a hit from her addiction and carefully monitor that he stays out of your family and marriage from now on.

A week passed with her being completely cold, non emotional or caring of me as she used to. Our every interaction was shallow. It kills me. She went through a roller coaster of moods before I told her to take a day and clear her mind (since she wouldn't talk to me) ultimately she went to stay with her grandma for 2.5 days.

This is a continuation of TEXTBOOK behavior for someone in an active affair. She behaves like this while she is seeing him.

Nonetheless she's staying and wants to start all the way over. As if we were still dating. She said she cannot do our marriage without intimacy and closeness.

She is still seeing him and you are now competing for your own wife. You need to run him off so her fog will clear up.

She wants us to sleep in separate rooms for the time being in the spirit of starting over. She said she doesn't want to fall back into the rut and feels this will help us work towards the intimacy and closeness more. But I'm feeling like what if this distances us even more? We spend time together in the bedroom at night, then I go to the couch. What do you think of this?

This is a terrible idea. Do not leave the marital bed. If she wants to leave, let her do it. If this evolves to her wanting you to leave the house, do NOT do so. Let her leave so she can experience the reality of her life without you.

Also, I know this is a process that doesn't take overnight, but is it normal for her to still be withdrawn on some days? One day she's engaged, the next we don't talk much.

Yes, it is normal for her to behave that way while she is still seeing her affair partner. You need to run him off.

At the moment I'm paranoid that she's contemplating dicorce still, I'm afraid we're not making progress, and I'm hurt that she's cold sometimes. Also we aren't kissing or hugging much. When I go to kiss her I get her cheek.

This is because she's having an affair. Women have a hard time loving two men at once.

It's also worth mentioning that I told her if we will start over I want her to also delete the guy off all social media. What do you think? Is this petty since she's definitely cut off communication?

She needs to eliminate this man and all other opposite sex friends off social media since this was an avenue for her to start and affair - unless you want to endure more affairs in the future.

She also needs to give you digital transparency to her entire life.

She told me she's sexually dissatisfied and has been for a while. Which also makes me insecure a bit. But she doesn't want to have sex right now since we're starting over. This is so difficult and I don't want to deal anymore blows and I pray we're making strides in the right way.

She will likely not be interested in sex with you until she ends her affair.

Wayward wives (and husbands) rewrite history. This is textbook behavior. However, it is very important for you to consider and address her complaints.