just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage:

1. The woman always makes the rules
2. These rules are subject to change without notice
3. No man can possibly know all the rules
4. The woman is never wrong
5. If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6. The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7. The woman can change her mind at any time
8. The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9. The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10. At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.

 

[ron4shua]

The Secrets of a Long Marriage
An Hilarious Look at a Successful Italian Marriage

At St. Mark's Catholic Church in Weymouth, Massachusetts, USA, they hold weekly husband's marriage seminars. These are always well attended.

At the session last week, the priest asked Cristiano, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all those years.

Cristiano announced to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treata her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary.'

The priest responded, 'Cristiano, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th
anniversary?'

Cristiano proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go picka her up.'

As funny as that is, getting your wife great anniversary gifts can show her how special she is to you.

 

[ron4shua]

The secret to a happy marriage for men is choosing a wife who is smarter and at least five years younger than you, UK experts have suggested to Will and Guy. These pairings are more likely to go the distance, particularly if neither has been divorced in the past, according to researchers at Bath University, England.

The work is published in the European Journal of Operational Research. The researchers studied interviews of more than 1,500 couples who were married or in a serious relationship.

Five years later, they followed up 1,000 of the couples to see which had lasted.

They found that if the wife was five or more years older than her husband, they were more than three times as likely to divorce than if they were the same age. If the age gap is reversed, and the man is older than the woman, the odds of marital bliss are higher.

 

[ron4shua]

Is This The Secret To A Happy Marriage?

Two identical twin brothers have married two identical twin sisters in a joint wedding ceremony in China. The two couples, from Binhai town, Jiansu, China, look so much alike that members of their own family struggle to tell them apart.

 

[ron4shua]

Funny Story About a Little Old Lady

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... 'Back off!' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

 

[ron4shua]

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'

 

[ron4shua]

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

 

[ron4shua]

Marriage Maths Marriage Proposals

When asked if there was anything they would have changed about one of the most romantic moments of their lives, several women said a 'bigger diamond!'

• 54% of men still get down on one knee
• 44% of men ask their partner's father for permission to marry
• 57% of men cry when she said yes
• 65% of women say he could have put more effort and preparation into the proposal
• 25% of couples wait longer than five years before taking their relationship that step further
• 23% of women have been proposed to more than once

 

[ron4shua]

Three Funny Women Things
The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words...

... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)

 

[ron4shua]

Recommendations Made by Men to Women

1. "Sports Report" starts at 5pm on a Saturday and runs for one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your mother.
2. You probably don't want to know what I'm thinking about.
3. Never buy a "new" brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
4. If we see each other in the morning and at night, why phone me at work?

 

[ron4shua]

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means". George Burns

 

[ron4shua]

Female Brain
First, a picture of the Female brain with it's mysterious characteristics.



Male Brain
Below we have a picture of the male brain, observe that we now see how new areas have developed, while some parts have atrophied. As ever a picture is worth a thousand words.



Further research on the differences between male and female brains still has a long way to travel. Wrestling meaning from the similarities and differences between male and female brains is a challenge in the decades ahead, but a challenge that those of us who dedicate our lives to research of the hypothalamus anticipate with relish. Professor David J. Etherington.

 

[ron4shua]

Does Your Husband Love You?
»
There was a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?' All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?' Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their cellphones and send the following text: I love you, sweetheart.

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are ten of the replies:

1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time.
7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I asked you not to drink anymore. I'll leave if you are tired of me.

 

[Messy]

Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage:

1. The woman always makes the rules
2. These rules are subject to change without notice
3. No man can possibly know all the rules
4. The woman is never wrong
5. If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6. The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7. The woman can change her mind at any time
8. The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9. The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10. At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.

Lol my sister had this on her Facebook:

Women are really easy.
If you have done something wrong say sorry.
If she did something wrong say sorry.

 

[visionary]

 

[BeStill&Know]

Instructions on how to wash your toilet
1. Put both lids up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the loud noises, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the here and the front door.

7. Standing behind as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out out, streak through the room and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[BeStill&Know]

Thanks for posting this. Had a real good belly laugh

 

[The Lone Ranger]

LOL!

 

[ron4shua]

ALLIGATOR SHOES
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then, the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darnit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

[ron4shua]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."