just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

New England Temperature Conversion Chart

60° F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. New Englanders sunbathe.

50° F: New Yorkers turn on the heat. People in New England plant gardens.

40° F: Italian & English cars won't start. New Englanders drive with the windows down.

32° F: Distilled water freezes. Maine's Moosehead Lake's water gets thicker.

20° F: Floridians put on coats coats, gloves, wool hats and thermal underwear. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.

15° F: New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0° F: All the people in Miami die. New Englanders close the windows.

10° below zero: Californians fly to Mexico. The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.

25° below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. New Englanders get out their winter coats.

40° below zero: Washington, D.C. runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep inside.

100° below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in New Englander get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."

460° below zero: All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). New Englanders start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"

500° below zero: Hell freezes over. The Red Sox win the World Series.

 

[ron4shua]

You know you are from the Pacific Northwest if:

You know the state flower is mildew.

You know the state motto: "Rain? What rain?"

You have a T-shirt that says, "200 Billion Slugs Can't Be Wrong!"

You use the term "sun break" and know what it means.

You open the windows in the summer to let the warm air in.

Your Early Girl tomatoes ripen in September.

Names like Point No Point, Useless Bay, Deception Pass, Destruction Island and Friday Harbor don't phase you.

You feel guilty throwing out paper or aluminum cans.

To you, if it doesn't have snow or hasn't erupted recently, it is not a real mountain.

You know more people who own a boat than own an air conditioner.

You will stand on a deserted corner in the rain and wait for the "Walk" signal.

You feel overdressed if you wear a suit to a fancy restaurant.

You can order coffee 10 different ways.

You can taste the difference between Seattle's Best, Tully's and Starbucks.

To you, swimming is an indoor sport.

You never go camping without a poncho and waterproof matches.

You know the difference between Coho, Chinook, and Sockeye salmon.

You know how to pronounce Puyallup, Sequim, Sekiu, Yakima, Oregon, Wenatchee, Steilacoom, Quileute, Cle Elum and Willamette.

You know Forks is not a bunch of eating utensil but a town on the Olympic Peninsula.

You can tell the difference between Thai, Japanese and Chinese food.

You know that Boring is not a state of mind, but a town in Oregon.

You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

You know that a forecast of "rain, changing to showers" means "constant drizzle changing to intermittent drizzle."

You are not fazed by the weather forecast, "Today: Showers followed by rain. Tomorrow: Rain followed by showers."

You rejoice at a forecast of "rain with sun breaks."

You know what "The mountain is out" means.

When the temperature gets above 50, you put on your shorts (If you're warm blooded, that is. If you're cold blooded, you wear a sweatshirt all summer.)

You can point out at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover.

You think people who use umbrellas are either tourists or wimps (or both).

You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

You knew immediately that the view out of Frazier's window was fake.

You use a down comforter and wear flannel pajamas in the summer.

Your kid's Halloween costumes fit under a raincoat.

You know all the seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer and Elk season (Fall).

Every year you have to buy new sunglasses because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.

 

[ron4shua]

Balance
For six days God could not be found. Finally, on the seventh day, Michael, the archangel, found Him.

"Where have You been?" Michael asked.

God smiled deeply and proudly and pointed down through the clouds. "Look," He said. "Look what I've made."

Michael looked down, but was puzzled. "What is it?" he asked.

"It's a planet. And I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance? What do you mean?" asked Michael.

Pointing to the different parts of the Earth, God explained. "Over there I've place a continent of black people and there I've placed a continent of white people. Europe will have wealth an opportunity, Africa will be poor. There it will be extremely cold and there it will be extremely hot. Everything is in Balance."

The Archangel was impressed. He pointed out a land area and said, "What is that?"

"That's Washington State," said God, "the most glorious place on earth. It has beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers and streams, hills, forests and plains. The people there will be handsome, intelligent, modest and humorous. They will be hardworking, high achieving, sociable and producers of software."

Michael was in awe and filled with admiration. He asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled. "Yes," He said, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put in that place!"

 

[ron4shua]

House Rules for Dogs and Cats. Post them where they can be read by your pets.
Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.

 

[ron4shua]

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Us and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
   
   
2. If you don't like their hair on your clothing, then stay off the furniture. (That's why it's called it "fur"niture.)
   
   
3. I like my pets better than I like most people.
   
   
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he or she is an adopted son or daughter who is hairy, short, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
   
   

 

[ron4shua]

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than children because they:

1. 
   
   
2. Eat less.
   
   
3. Usually come when called.
   
   
4. Are easier to train.
   
   
5. Don't ask for money all the time.
   
   
6. Don't drink or smoke.
   
   
7. Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.
   
   
8. Never ask to drive the car.
   
   
9. Don't have to have the latest fashions.
   
   
10. Don't want to wear your clothes.
    
    
11. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
    
    
12. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

 

[ron4shua]

Instructions on how to wash your toilet
1. Put both lids up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the loud noises, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the here and the front door.

7. Standing behind as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out out, streak through the room and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[ron4shua]

How Many Dogs Do You Need to Change a Lightbulb?

Boxer
Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Greyhound
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Labrador Retriever
Oh, me, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeze? Please, please, please?

Golden Retriever
The day is young. The sun is shining. We've got our whole lives ahead of us. And you're inside the house worrying about a burned out bulb?

Jack Russell Terrier
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the furniture and walls.

Cocker Spaniel
Why bother changing it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Australian Shepherd

First, let me put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Rottweiler
Try and make me.

Chihuahua
Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or - We don't need no stinkin' light bulb!

Border Collie
Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring I find that's not up to code.

Old English Sheep Dog
What light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see any light bulb!

German Shepherd
I'll change it as soon as I've led these people out of the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed anyone and made one last perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Dachshund

You know I can't reach that dumb lamp!

Poodle
Let me just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails should be dry.

 

[ron4shua]

Famous Dog Quotes and Funny Dog Quotes
A dog is the only thing in the world that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

We give dogs the time we can spare, the space we can spare and the love we can spare. In return, dogs give us their all. It is the best deal we have ever made.
- M. Acklam

Do not accept your dog's admiration as being conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers

I wonder if other dogs think poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

The reason a dog has lots of friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
- Unknown

The average dog is a much nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney

There is no psychiatrist to be found anywhere in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams

Dogs love their friends but bite their enemies. That is quite unlike people. We are not capable of pure love and always mix love and hate.
- Sigmund Freud

Cats and women will do as they please. Dogs and men need to relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

If your dog is too fat, you are not getting enough exercise
- Unknown

A child's dog teaches them fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

Have you ever consider what your dog must think of you? I mean, you come home from the grocery with the most amazing stuff, pork, chicken, half a cow. They must think you're the greatest hunter on earth!
- Anne Tyler

Anyone who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones

My dog worries about the economy because Alpo now costs $3.00 a can. That's $21.00 in dog money!
- Joe Weinstein

If you think dogs don't know how to count, try this: Put three dog biscuits in your pocket and give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret

If you pick up a dog that is starving and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain

Dogs may not be our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
- Roger Caras

You can say any dumb thing to a dog and the dog will look at you as if to say, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.
- Unknown

 

[ron4shua]

Made Where?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....

 

[ron4shua]

Is This a Joke???
Have you ever had one of those answering service calls where you find yourself saying things you don't believe?

This is so priceless....and so easy to see happening, given the state of customer service these days....

My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00.


I placed the following phone call to the bank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?"

She's dead, Jim!

Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she deceased in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX"

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure."

( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )

Bank: "Our system just isn't setup to handle this..."

Me: "Oh..."

Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."

 

[ron4shua]

Visit to Chicago
A man wrote a letter to one of the Chicago hotels he planned to stay at while on vacation: "I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well behaved and well-groomed. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room?"

The hotel owner replied, saying, "I've been operating hotels for thirty years. I've never had a dog steal bedclothes, towels, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to kick a dog out in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog skip out on a hotel bill. So, yes, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay, too."

 

[ron4shua]

Why I'm Tired
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.

 

[ron4shua]

Gracie Allen's Recipe for the Percect Roast Beef

Ingredients:

• 1 Small Roast Beef
• 1 Large Roast Beef

Put both roasts in the oven.

When the little one is burned, the big one is done.

 

[ron4shua]

Kitchen Jokes
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. This one is delirious.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

My next house will not have a kitchen - just vending machines.

Countless people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

Skinny cooks can't be trusted.

A balanced diet is a Twinkie in each hand.

 

[ron4shua]

Housework
Definition: Husband - A person who can take out the garbage and give the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Housework done properly can kill you.

 

[ron4shua]

Jay Leno Quote
With hurricanes, flooding, tornados, mud slides, fires out of control, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

 

[ron4shua]

Traffic Accident
Well, Your Honor, I really didn't mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, "OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?"

That's when the fight started.

 

[ron4shua]

How to Get the Police to Respond Really Quickly

Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.

The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."

In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.

"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.

"Thought you said no one was available," he replied.

 

[ron4shua]

Life After Death
A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"