just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?

Because it said "concentrate.

 

[ron4shua]

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

 

[ron4shua]

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?

The blonde, because she's 18.

 

[ron4shua]

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.

 

[ron4shua]

How to trouble a blonde:

Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!

 

[ron4shua]

* *
Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?

Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.

 

[ron4shua]

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.

 

[ron4shua]

God AND Eve - From an Article in the Global Village
'God, I have a problem.'

'What's your problem Eve?'

'I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy, '

'And why is that Eve?'

'God, I am lonely and bored and I'm sick to death of apples.'

'Well Eve, in that case I shall create a man for you'

'Man? What is that, God?'

'A flawed base creature with many bad traits. he'll lie, cheat and be vain. He will revel in childish things. he'll be bigger than you and will like fighting, hunting and killing things. He won't be too smart so will need your advice to think properly. He will have a limited emotional capacity so will need to be trained. He will look silly when aroused, but since You've been complaining of boredom, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs and you need never be bored again.'

'Sounds great', said Eve but what's the catch, God'

'Well, you can have him on one condition.'

'And what's that, God?'

'As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman.'

 

[ron4shua]

Gates of Heaven Test
Elisabeth arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeped through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her."Hello - How are you?""We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, Elisabeth said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?""You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."Which word?" she asked.

"Love."

Elisabeth correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to Elisabeth and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.While she was guarding the Gates of Heaven, Gerry, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," she said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, actually I've been doing pretty well since you died," Gerry told her."I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.And then I won the multi-state lottery.I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a wonderful mansion.Then my wife and I travelled all around the world.We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.I fell and hit my head, and here I am! What a disaster! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Elisabeth told him.

"Which word?" Gerry asked.

"Czechoslovakia ..."

 

[ron4shua]

A Question of Exam Honesty
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance.

Unsure of whether he should sign the form, one student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied his answer page and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

 

[ron4shua]

How Departments Grade Exams
Ever wonder how professors of various departments grade their final exams? Here's an inside look:

Dept. of Statistics: All grades are fitted to a normal curve.

Dept. of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor then opens them and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept. of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept. of Theology: Grade is determined by God.

Dept. of Philosophy: What is a grade?

Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A when they really deserve an F.

Dept. of Mathematics: Grades are variable.

Dept. of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.

Dept. of Music: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). Tone-deaf students fail.

Dept. of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.

 

[ron4shua]

How Being a Parent Can Change Your Life:

When a baby is born into a family it affects every one in that family. However, as you have baby 2 ... then baby 3, the way in which you deal with the child also changes considerably. Read these suggested differences and enjoy a laugh with Will and Guy.

Your Baby's Clothing:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.

2nd baby: You wear your ordinary clothes for as long as you are able.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your ordinary clothes.

Getting Ready for the Day of the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing as often as possible

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing your breathing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't help at all.

3rd baby: You accept an epidural injection as soon as it is offered.

 

[ron4shua]

It's All in the Name
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

 

[ron4shua]

Beer Test
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. -- No further testing is planned

 

[ron4shua]

New Female Maths - 710
Yesterday I was having some work done on my car at the Ford dealer.

While I was talking to Bert, the Mechanic, a woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.... We all looked at each other, and the Bert asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there.'

​

Bert gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, 'Is there a 710 on this car ?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

Now check the photo to learn what a 710 is.........

----------------
OIL cap .

 

[ron4shua]

Harry was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.

​

It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.

The farmer replied, 'Eddie's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'

'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'

'Nope,' said Giles.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'

 

[ron4shua]

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.

 

[ron4shua]

• A pharmacist tells a customer, 'In order to buy arsenic you need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.'

 

[ron4shua]

• My mother-in-law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder.

 

[ron4shua]

• Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.