just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are Wanted.

 

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• I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stocktaking.'

 

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Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.'
Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'

 

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Overheard in a restaurant:
She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?

 

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Open Door Policy
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said, 'Sure you can.' And shut the door in her face.

 

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Newlywed Surprise
The newlywed wife, Monica, said to her husband , Nick, when he returned from work, 'I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two.'

Nick started glowing with happiness and kissing Monica purred, 'Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world.'

Monica smiled and added, 'I'm glad that you feel that way, Nick, because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.'

 

[ron4shua]

Care for Your Mother-in-law
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'

 

[ron4shua]

Solomon Delivers Justice to Mother in Law
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. 'This young man agreed to marry my daughter,' said one.

'No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,' said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

'Bring me my biggest sword,' said Solomon, 'and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.'

'Sounds good to me,' said the first lady.
But the other woman said, 'Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.'

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. 'This man must marry the first lady's daughter,' he proclaimed.
'But she was willing to hew him in two!' exclaimed the king's court.

'Indeed,' said wise King Solomon. 'That shows she is the true mother-in-law.'

 

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Not A Mother-in-law Joke, A True Story!
An unnamed Englishman man accidentally? left his aged mother-in-law in a ferry port car park, while he and his wife took a day trip on the Dover to Calais ferry. However, they realised halfway across to France that the mother-in-law was still in the back of the car. Frankly, Will and Guy blame the wife as much, if not more, than the poor son-in-law.

Port of Dover police received a call asking them to check vehicles in a multi-storey car park for an abandoned old lady. They duly found the lady, and in true British style gave her a nice cup of tea. When the couple returned from Calais, in time honoured mother-in-law style she gave them a piece of her mind.

"We all know about mothers-in-law and what a nightmare they can be but this guy took it to the limit," a police source told reporters. "He'll never live this down and he'll be getting it in the ear from now until the end of time. It was a nightmare for the old dear."

What Will and Guy like about this Mother-in-law saga is that fact is always stranger than fiction. Furthermore, it is true stories, such as this, that act as seeds for all the related jokes.

 

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A Prospective Italian Mother-in-law
Mrs Ravioli comes to visit her son Rocco for dinner; he lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Rocco's roommate is.

As the evening went on, MaMa watched the two interact and started to wonder if there was more between Rocco and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Rocco volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Rocco saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So Rocco sat down and wrote this email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Rocco

.... Several days later, Rocco received this response from his MaMa:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

 

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Psychic Mother in law
When Roger came home, his wife, Norma, was crying. 'Your mother insulted me,' she sobbed.

'My mother?' spluttered Roger, 'How could she do that when she is on holiday on the other side of the world?'

'I know.' Norma gulped, 'But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.'

'And?'

'At the end of the letter it was written:
Dear Norma , When you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son, Roger.'

 

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Murphy's Law? No. Mother in law's Choice
Alexis, a young man, excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He tells her, 'Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you must try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, 'Okay Mother dear, guess which one I'm going to marry.'

She immediately replies, 'The one on the right.'

'That's amazing, Ma. You're correct. How did you know?'

The mother replies, 'I don't like her.'

 

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Unwanted Gift
A constantly nagged and harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year Christmas came again and this year he didn't buy her any present.

His mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why was she forgotten this time.

The angry son-in-law responded, 'Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year.'

 

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Help Mother in Law
Louise, a young wife came home one day and found her mother standing in a bucket of water with her finger stuck in the light socket.

Ian, her young husband was standing by the switch.

'Hello, darling,' greeted the mother, 'Ian has had this marvellous idea for curing my rheumatism.

 

[ron4shua]

My wife and I have the secret to making the marriage last...
Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney and mine in Melbourne.

 

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, 'Somewhere I haven't been for a long time' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

 

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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread maker. When she said that she had too many gadgets but nowhere to sit down. I bought her an electric chair.

 

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Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Ms. Right, I just didn't know that her first name was ALWAYS.
I haven't spoken to her in 18 months now - I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked, 'What is on the TV?' I said 'It looks like Dust'.

In the beginning; God created the earth and rested. Then God, created the man and rested. Then God created woman. And since then neither God nor man has rested.

 

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Secret of Marriage - Comic Poem
As an example of how some people viewed marriage in the 1850s, here is a comic poem:
You know I'm very fond of the ladies,
I say bless those wives that fill our lives
With little bees and honey,
They ease life's shocks, they mend our socks -
But can't they spend the money?

 

[ron4shua]

More Secrets of a Happy Marriage: from the Postbag:
Wife [whingeing]: You never speak to me anymore.

Husband: What? Only five minutes ago I told you to shut up.