Why does one spouse get fat?

[HisLittleHazelnut]

Hmmm. Our love for our mate shouldn't be affected by it. Our willingness to fulfill our obligations to them as our spouse and best friend shouldn't be affected by it. And our commitment to them certainly shouldn't be. All those are actions that we control.

But desire is not an action, it's a response that's based on several things, and attractiveness is one of them. I think the thought above ignores the reality that many people, particularly men, are very visual and that visual factor is a key component of desire.

Meh. I'm getting skinnier and am actually finding that my husband is being put off about it, so now I'm trying to gain weight again.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Hmmm. Our love for our mate shouldn't be affected by it. Our willingness to fulfill our obligations to them as our spouse and best friend shouldn't be affected by it. And our commitment to them certainly shouldn't be. All those are actions that we control.

But desire is not an action, it's a response that's based on several things, and attractiveness is one of them. I think the thought above ignores the reality that many people, particularly men, are very visual and that visual factor is a key component of desire.

Let's call it what it really is. When people's desires were based on mostly visual attractiveness, it used to be called superficiality. Somewhere along the line, people started to justify superficialness under the guise of being visual. I'm frankly tired of it. Scriptures tell a man not to pick a mate based on physical beauty. They also tell a man to be enraptured sexually with his wife when they are both old. So, how does this happen and what does this mean? If God chose your mate for you, He gives you the desire for your mate, and it is not something that goes away if they gain weight, or wrinkles.

 

[Yitzchak]

Hmmm. Our love for our mate shouldn't be affected by it. Our willingness to fulfill our obligations to them as our spouse and best friend shouldn't be affected by it. And our commitment to them certainly shouldn't be. All those are actions that we control.

But desire is not an action, it's a response that's based on several things, and attractiveness is one of them. I think the thought above ignores the reality that many people, particularly men, are very visual and that visual factor is a key component of desire.

May I ask an honest question here ? If men are very visual and this is what a husband needs , then what is it that a wife needs from her husband ? Presumably there must a quality or qualities in a husband that makes a woman want to lose weight for her husband and also a quality in him that makes a woman want to make love and be aroused by him.
I don't mean to be too rough on you here. But do you have a definite insight into that side of the equation also ?

 

[Texan40]

I would have to argue that there are probably more reasons that INDIVIDUALS get fat (regardless of whether or not they are married) than would be worth reading in a single thread. I also agree with Romans on her comment about superficiality. I know some wonderful couples who are extremely happy even though one or both are overweight. I don't think it's some "fetish" either... they truly love each other and enjoy each other.

 

[andross77]

I didn't read this thread thoroughly but the 1st page had some really good comments on it. I would like to say a few things. First, obesity is an excused sin in Christian circles. Proverbs talks about the glutton and we are told that are bodies are the TEMPLE OF GOD. The Temple of God is not tired going up a few flights of stairs. The Temple of God does not need naps all the time because the energy level is low. The Temple of God should not suffer from fat-related illnesses like heart attacks. The church does not address this nearly enough, if ever.

Secondly, I love the comment someone said about God giving us love for our spouse that doesn't change with gained weight or wrinkles. Sure, if your love is based on your spouse having a skinny figure like Lindsay Lohan or big boobs like Pamela Anderson or fill-in-the-blank, then you will fall out of love when one gains weight or has a wrinkly face or a double chin. That just means you are shallow and you did not enjoy true love. Just a crappy imitation offered by Satan and Hollywood and you bit.

Lastly, 1 Corinthians tell the wife that her body is not her own and the husband that his body is not his own. This does not just speak to sexual faithfulness but also physical attraction. When you are married, your body is not your own to get fat and lazy. Your body is to be presented at it's top physical condition as the TEMPLE OF GOD to your spouse!!! Most of us fail in this way! But it should be our goal.

Keep your body in shape because it is GOD's first. Keep you body in shape because it is your spouse's second. And the other spouse, you treat them in love and realize that the physical is passing away but godliness will last forever (proverbs 31, etc).

 

[HisLittleHazelnut]

I didn't read this thread thoroughly but the 1st page had some really good comments on it. I would like to say a few things. First, obesity is an excused sin in Christian circles. Proverbs talks about the glutton and we are told that are bodies are the TEMPLE OF GOD. The Temple of God is not tired going up a few flights of stairs. The Temple of God does not need naps all the time because the energy level is low. The Temple of God should not suffer from fat-related illnesses like heart attacks. The church does not address this nearly enough, if ever.

Secondly, I love the comment someone said about God giving us love for our spouse that doesn't change with gained weight or wrinkles. Sure, if your love is based on your spouse having a skinny figure like Lindsay Lohan or big boobs like Pamela Anderson or fill-in-the-blank, then you will fall out of love when one gains weight or has a wrinkly face or a double chin. That just means you are shallow and you did not enjoy true love. Just a crappy imitation offered by Satan and Hollywood and you bit.

Lastly, 1 Corinthians tell the wife that her body is not her own and the husband that his body is not his own. This does not just speak to sexual faithfulness but also physical attraction. When you are married, your body is not your own to get fat and lazy. Your body is to be presented at it's top physical condition as the TEMPLE OF GOD to your spouse!!! Most of us fail in this way! But it should be our goal.

Keep your body in shape because it is GOD's first. Keep you body in shape because it is your spouse's second. And the other spouse, you treat them in love and realize that the physical is passing away but godliness will last forever (proverbs 31, etc).

Some of us have never been "in shape" though not because we don't TRY (I'm running 3 miles a day now, and I'm still considered to be overweight according to the BMI) but that our bodies have ailments that keep us fat. (For me it's a double whammy of hypothyroidism and PCOS.) What do you say about stuff like that?

 

[andross77]

Some of us have never been "in shape" though not because we don't TRY (I'm running 3 miles a day now, and I'm still considered to be overweight according to the BMI) but that our bodies have ailments that keep us fat. (For me it's a double whammy of hypothyroidism and PCOS.) What do you say about stuff like that?

I'm not sure why you are even asking this question. If you have a DISEASE then obviously you have a legitimate reason for being fat. But 95% of the reasons fat people are fat are just excuses, not legitimate reasons. You can always argue the exceptions to the rule. And if you are that, i'm sorry for your disease and glad you still attempt to excercise. I also pray that Jesus heals you.

I am talking to people that don't have a disease but are just lazy and make excuses (ie. me )

 

[Conservativation]

Let's call it what it really is. When people's desires were based on mostly visual attractiveness, it used to be called superficiality. Somewhere along the line, people started to justify superficialness under the guise of being visual. I'm frankly tired of it. Scriptures tell a man not to pick a mate based on physical beauty. They also tell a man to be enraptured sexually with his wife when they are both old. So, how does this happen and what does this mean? If God chose your mate for you, He gives you the desire for your mate, and it is not something that goes away if they gain weight, or wrinkles.

Um,....no, not in this OP, not at all. See this is another topic that cannot be discussed rationally. BEFORE you ever met your spouse, MOST people saw their spouse. The seeing was the first exposure. I dont care if there are some here that will say "oh not me, we met in the dark"...or whatever...most people SAW before they MET.

The OP makes a great point when he refutes the so predictable line about "beauty is more than skin deep". Readers seem to have a hard time understanding that no one is saying that looks are EVERYTHING, indeed they arent even assigning a relative value to looks, the OP is simply saying that, pick you own prference, there is SOME level of importance to it.

Other predictable misunderstandings is the old "so, as she ages and you age and you both add some weight you no longer find each other attractive"
Another straw man....that was not the point EITHER. In fact any extreme example you can cook up, he/she is wheelchair bound, he/she has a disease, whatever is irrelevant, OP is NOT speaking about those situations, NOR did he say a single word about controlling , divorcing, no longer loving, or any kind of consequence whatesoever. Posters make that stuff up!


The perfect analogy is, how about if your husband stopped ALL oral hygiene. After a few months of that, things are gonna be "rotten". (please dont react like I suspect some are itchin to, he IS talking about WILLFUL behavior, not the natural aging and weight gain or any other not willful event, so willful lack of oral hygiene is perfect analogy)
So hubby has teeth falling out and breath that killed the cat. You think MAYBE you'd be a little, oh "PUT OFF" by that? OF COURSE you would. And you wouldnt be wrong to be.

This usually lines up along gender lines, and to be honest this defense that NO MATTER WHAT he ought to love and cherish her....well thats true...EXCEPT he said not a word about NOT loving and cherishing her.

Like the rotten teeth, he can have displeasure with the EFFECT, and STILL be madly deeply in love. To insist that a marriage is a license to let oneself go is painfully selfish to be honest. Of course not everyone can go to gym, have a six pack etc thats also not waht he is saying.

He is saying to BE REASONABLE....nothing more. If you gain 5 pounds, 10 pounds per decade, whatever, THATS NORMAL, and only obsessives can really keep that off, or folks blessed w/ rocket metabolisms.....but he isnt suggesting men dump women when they add weight or anything cruel.

On another page I had listed 2 topics that cannot be discussed rationally. I will add weight to that list and make it 3 things.

 

[Conservativation]

Some of us have never been "in shape" though not because we don't TRY (I'm running 3 miles a day now, and I'm still considered to be overweight according to the BMI) but that our bodies have ailments that keep us fat. (For me it's a double whammy of hypothyroidism and PCOS.) What do you say about stuff like that?

The OP is about WILLFUL gain, BEYOND what aging etc causes.

 

[c1ners]

My biggest fear of getting my thyroids fixed is that I'll become fat. Not that my husband desires me anyhow. I guess it really won't matter.

 

[blythe_ann]

My biggest fear of getting my thyroids fixed is that I'll become fat. Not that my husband desires me anyhow. I guess it really won't matter.

*hug*


This topic is so heated. Both sides of the argument are very set in their ways and weight is an extremely private and sometimes hurtful thing. I know that my weight is a touchy subject-- though if I'm honest with myself I am not fat, but I still concern myself about it.
We can all agree on a few points in this debate. Looks aren't everything, but they ARE something. We all have the chance of gaining weight as we age due to a slowing metabolism. There are extreme cases where weight gain is unavoidable such as disease, accidents, pregnancies, etc. Sometimes, people get "fat" because they are lazy and don't eat right. Sometimes they don't.
The thing everyone disagrees on is how hard we should work to remove the excess weight that we get as we age. Some will say we need to be concerned and working diligently to stay fit, because we are God's temple. Others will say that they are accepting of the way God made them. Both have verses to back them up. (argument one 1 Corinthians 6:19. Second argument 1 Samuel 16:7b).
Because I see both cases in the Bible and I have seen in the sinful world around me give examples of both extremes (those who are obsessed with dieting, or those who are obsessed with eating, both unhealthy), I think that like many things that can easily get twisted, there is a reason it's called the "happy" medium. I think that's why scientists have been able to determine healthy weight ranges for age/height.
I also think that the definition of "fat" has been twisted so much that those women who are working hard to stay thin are trying to get too thin, and those who upset about the new "thin quota" are going in the opposite direction almost as a protest. Men are similar, but not for thinness but buffness. That is just my general opinion and simple observation.
I know that that was a *tad* off topic, but I think it needs to be said.
As far as the pole, I voted that the spouse thinks his or her spouse is OK with it. I don't know if that is the truth or not in "most" cases, but it will be in mine. I do not plan on getting "fat". No one other than the scary lady that wants to reach 1000 pounds wants to or plans to get fat. I hope to stay diligent enough to continue in my healthy weight range. However, after pregnancies, if all the weight doesn't come off, I hope that my husband would be kind enough to still love me as the fallen creature that I am. I, personally, will always continue to try to remain in my healthy weight range. But if by chance after a pregnancy, or during a difficult time in my life, I have some excess body weight, I must accept where I am now and realize that I have room for improvement.
Isn't that what life as a human is like anyway? Accepting who God has made us, but out of thankfulness trying to be better?

 

[Conservativation]

My biggest fear of getting my thyroids fixed is that I'll become fat. Not that my husband desires me anyhow. I guess it really won't matter.

If you have hyPOthyroid.....I do too. I take synthroid. Once they fixed my level I lost weight, having low thyroid causes weight gain

If you have hyPER, thats trickier, as they muct suppress it, and can do it TOO effectively slowing the metabolism.

But both line out, you feel better, and it shouldnt really impact your weight greatly.

To the next poster, I dont even think most people say we need to work hard to keep from gaining weight with age. Thats an unreasonable expectations frankly.

I DO think its not unreasonable to HOPE that childbearing doesnt result in a PERMANENT increase of 50 pounds or something. And that aging doesnt mean 30 pounds every 5 years or something. A "healthy weight" isnt model thin, it can by "padded" extra weight whatever...no issue I dont really think most folks are that obsessed. Like you say thats is an UNhealthy obsession when one is dieting and stressing a lot over it.

But the idea that we cannot even discuss weight without folks coming unglued that we need to shut up and LIKE IT.....no matter what is just plain wrong. No one should love the spouse less, treat them different, LEAVE them or have an affair for petes sake......but to simply EXPRESS that one wishes the apouse would lose SOME weight (not get model thin) is NOT an indication that the person is some superficial idiot who doesnt realize there is more to people than meets the eye. To accuse that is to take this to the extreme, which we do with most marital issues instead of discussing them where they actually exist...somewhere in a grey area thats OK.

 

[blythe_ann]

I can't tell if you are agreeing or disagreeing with me. I'm a middle of the road person on this topic, but we've seen in the past 10 pages some examples of not necessarily extremes, but both sides of the argument (accept the fat spouse or the fat spouse should be trying to stay fit for their spouse).
For your last paragraph, I never said anything about not talking about it, I said it was touchy because the opinions. I am a "grey area" person, if you'd like. Which I thought I made relatively clear. I was not accusing anyone of anything, including being an superficial idiot. I re-read my post and have no clue where you would get that.
Marriage topics to go to the extremes pretty easily on these forums, which is why I listed the things we all agree on.
And I think there is a side to the argument that people do think we need to work hard to keep the weight off with age. There are also those who use age as an excuse. Then there are the middle of the road people, who try to stay healthy without living in a gym.
I don't know if you were addressing me or not but there was no transition.

 

[jimtem]

Um,....no, not in this OP, not at all. See this is another topic that cannot be discussed rationally. BEFORE you ever met your spouse, MOST people saw their spouse. The seeing was the first exposure. I dont care if there are some here that will say "oh not me, we met in the dark"...or whatever...most people SAW before they MET.

The OP makes a great point when he refutes the so predictable line about "beauty is more than skin deep". Readers seem to have a hard time understanding that no one is saying that looks are EVERYTHING, indeed they arent even assigning a relative value to looks, the OP is simply saying that, pick you own prference, there is SOME level of importance to it.

Other predictable misunderstandings is the old "so, as she ages and you age and you both add some weight you no longer find each other attractive"
Another straw man....that was not the point EITHER. In fact any extreme example you can cook up, he/she is wheelchair bound, he/she has a disease, whatever is irrelevant, OP is NOT speaking about those situations, NOR did he say a single word about controlling , divorcing, no longer loving, or any kind of consequence whatesoever. Posters make that stuff up!


The perfect analogy is, how about if your husband stopped ALL oral hygiene. After a few months of that, things are gonna be "rotten". (please dont react like I suspect some are itchin to, he IS talking about WILLFUL behavior, not the natural aging and weight gain or any other not willful event, so willful lack of oral hygiene is perfect analogy)
So hubby has teeth falling out and breath that killed the cat. You think MAYBE you'd be a little, oh "PUT OFF" by that? OF COURSE you would. And you wouldnt be wrong to be.

This usually lines up along gender lines, and to be honest this defense that NO MATTER WHAT he ought to love and cherish her....well thats true...EXCEPT he said not a word about NOT loving and cherishing her.

Like the rotten teeth, he can have displeasure with the EFFECT, and STILL be madly deeply in love. To insist that a marriage is a license to let oneself go is painfully selfish to be honest. Of course not everyone can go to gym, have a six pack etc thats also not waht he is saying.

He is saying to BE REASONABLE....nothing more. If you gain 5 pounds, 10 pounds per decade, whatever, THATS NORMAL, and only obsessives can really keep that off, or folks blessed w/ rocket metabolisms.....but he isnt suggesting men dump women when they add weight or anything cruel.

On another page I had listed 2 topics that cannot be discussed rationally. I will add weight to that list and make it 3 things.

Thanks, I completely agree.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I know that if I try to eat what my husband eats, I will become very fat. I simply can't eat as much as he can, and that is sometimes a problem since we eat together.

 

[jimtem]

So it's a year later and another 20 lbs gained. I couldn't let the issue go on any longer. I have done everything in the world to make her feel secure and loved. I have tried to engineer and environment in which she had leisure time for healthy activities. I had avoided the discussion due to the negative impact it had 7 years ago but today we were having an email discussion about me spending to much time directing community health promotion activities and so I asked her to please come with me during one of our next fitness sessions. I let her know that the way to prevent premature death and chronic disease relating to a sedentary life style was to spend 30 minutes a day doing some type of moderate activity and that maintaining a body composition above 30% greatly increases her risk of heart disease, metabolic disease, cancer and pulmonary diseases.

 

[WolfGate]

So it's a year later and another 20 lbs gained. I couldn't let the issue go on any longer. I have done everything in the world to make her feel secure and loved. I have tried to engineer and environment in which she had leisure time for healthy activities. I had avoided the discussion due to the negative impact it had 7 years ago but today we were having an email discussion about me spending to much time directing community health promotion activities and so I asked her to please come with me during one of our next fitness sessions. I let her know that the way to prevent premature death and chronic disease relating to a sedentary life style was to spend 30 minutes a day doing some type of moderate activity and that maintaining a body composition above 30% greatly increases her risk of heart disease, metabolic disease, cancer and pulmonary diseases.

Did you get any positive response by tackling the health issue? And inviting her to a fitness session? Every person is different (duh) but I found my DW responds to the invitation to go to the gym, or walk, etc.
Guess the thought is that in her case, the invitation gives her time with me, gentle motivation, and let's her know I also want to spend time with her. DW has the nutrition side understood, her need is to keep the cardio, skeletal and muscular systems healthy and in shape. Then calories burned kind of takes care of itself.

 

[SharonL]

1

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I think it's pretty simple. People simply become more comfortable with each other and with their size/looks. It's much easier to stay motivated to work out when you want to impress the opposite gender than it is when you have a spouse who loves you whether you're working out 5 days a week or never, or whether you gain 20 pounds or not. Not to mention, spouses often act as each other's junk food "enablers" so to speak.

Personally it hasn't really been much of a thing in my marriage (I'm a military guy so I have to work out hard, and she's a very healthy eater who believes in not eating restaurant-sized portions). We certainly do act as each other's junk food enablers at times, though, and we love each other whether one of us gains weight or not, so it's easy to see how it can happen.

 

[dallasapple]

I have a middle view of this topic too..I see both sides..but what irks me ..is its almost always .."its not the weight its their health"..I dont buy that 9 times out of 10 thats the primary concern..

The reason being is you can be very unhealthy..have very unhealthy habits as far as your diet including having to high of a BMI and still be "thin"..you can be sedentary and and still be thin...you can keep your calroies and your weight down..but only be eating for example foods that are not nurtrient dense..that are high in fat and sugar..

I dont see the spouses running around complaining how worried they are their spouse has horrible eatign habits..never excersizes..and is begging them to take better care of themselves..as long as you cant really tell by looking at them in terms of "fatness".

Thin does NOT -=healthy..You can be "thin" and have diabetes..hardening of the arteries..high blood pressure.high risk for certian cancers including skin cancer and throat and stomach from bad lifestyles..are those spouses offering to go on walks?Frantically trying to come up with great tasting healthy meals if the spouse is "thin" but yet eating crap for food?Thin...but never does any cardio or muscle building excersizes?If all I eat everyday ..is say a hot dog...on a white bun with ketchup and mustard..a small servign of chips..and drink coffee with cream and sugar..then a slice of apple pie with a small scoop of ice cream for dinner..or a can of chef boyardee ravioli...a half of a krispy cream donut...and a beef jerky and some pork skins for dinner..and a pickle for desert..if thats my typical daily snapshot for food..Im goign to be 'thin"..but im goign to be completely nutrient deprived..at risk for heart disease..diabetes and stomach and colon cancer..Is my husband going to be desperate to get me to 'eat right and excersize" as along as I still look good naked?

Just an observation...

Dallas