Why does one spouse get fat?

[WolfGate]

Im so glad you understood what i was asking..sometimes I feel clear as "mud" not spring water..

No I dont think its selfish for you to want your wife to keep her hair that long.But I guess its the same question..what about when she is old and the long hair completely loses its affect?then what?Unless you like long gray hair thats all wiry..see what I mean?

I think its funny you thought your wife was hot and felt guilty because you are 48 and she was 19 LOL!!...that doesnt count because you are her husband..and you thought she was hot then too right?When you were younger?

And how different IS weight?Do you think there is an overall sort of "disgust" with fat in our society?..Or is it deeper than that?Like instinctually fat = bad health /immobility so its an ingrained turn off?Or its an outward evidence of a type of "gluttony"?..Versus hair length which is really more about style..and has nothing to do with representing feritlity or health?

I saw a study a long time ago..and "clear skin" is something that apparently we subconsciously notice..like a sign of good health..= indicates "fertility"..

anyway..I imagine when I'm really old..and my husband tellign me "your hot!"....and it cracks me up..I guess I'll cal him a liar then too..

Dallas

LOL!!! On the hot when you're really old comment. Yeah, I gotta admit I can't see using that word with a senior citizen. Who knows, maybe that will change too.

Dallas, I don't really know what the root is with the way people feel about weight. You mentioned several possible causes, and I'm not sure I understand enough to know if it's a conditioned reaction or something deeper and more biological. Ideas of what is beautiful have changed over time, but it's the rare culture (if ever) that found obesity attractive.

BTW, yeah, I thought my wife was hot back then. And, for what it's worth, she has great skin. Definitely part of what I find beautiful.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

He's 6' and average boned. It wasn't his choice to go on the starvation diet; it was a requirement of the place he was living at the time. They wanted him to get to 145. O_O His waist is 42 right now, so yeah he could afford to lose at least 30 pounds.

Wow, where was he living? That's a pretty gnarly requirement, and being that same height, I know if I hit 155 lbs, I'd be EXTREMELY unhealthy looking. I'm 200 right now (down from 230 lbs thanks to Eat Stop Eat and a steady regiment of kettlebell swings and 2-hand jerks for high reps) and even at 230 I was fairly healthy and could pass an Air Force PT test.

 

[Romanseight2005]

When I met my husband, and even when I married him, he was 125 pounds. Yeah, he was skinnier than me. He is 5'8, and was always lean. Every since we married, he started putting on weight, and it looked good on him. I think he was too skinny when i met him. He is now over 200 pounds, and he thinks it's a problem. I think he is so attractive, but he would be whether he gained, or lost Weight.

I on the other hand and gone up and down, withing about a 15 pound range. I have to be extremely conscious of it, with dramatic and purposeful dietary changes, to keep it off. Lots of exercise is no longer enough to maintain my ideal weight. That's sad, since I really enjoy exercise.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Truth to that, certainly from the ideal standpoint. I believe part of God's design for us included that as we age He also enabled us to see beauty in those aging with us.

Two things come into play. First, there is a limit to that in real, human terms. I fully admit while I find my DW attractive even with the aging she has done, she could have pushed past that point. Becoming morbidly obese, not taking care of teeth, cutting her hair short, wearing dumpy clothes. Yep, she could have done enough things that I would not find her attractive no matter how much I thought I should. (Only talking attraction here, not love, to be clear).

I appreciate your kind words about guarding my heart (even though I sorta just contradicted them above). And yes, some of that has been intentional. I recognized long ago the damage media can cause if you allow their portrayal of attractiveness to be what you believe your spouse should look like. It has set society's model for beauty in a way that is really not realistic. (As a sidebar, I don't know how men with porn problems cannot end up measuring thier wife against what they see).

So I guess I see it, like many things in marriage, as a shared responsibility. We do have a call to see beauty in our spouse, and we also have a responsibility to do what we reasonably can to be attractive to our spouse.

I think there should be common courtesy for one's spouse, and a general concern for one's own health, to be reasonable about weight, taking care of teeth, etc. I don't however think that one needs to wear a certain kind of clothes to be attractive though. I don't get that one. The more I try to wear baggy clothes, which I do because my stomach is often really sensitive,(I am Peri menopausal, I think) the more I get ogled by passersby, so I really don't get that one. I also don't wear any make up, so I don't believe one needs to do all of that. I guess what i am saying, is that taking care of your basic healthiness should be all you have to do, as far as what is your own part in staying attractive. As far as cutting hair and the like, that falls under courtesy. However, if your wife had a good reason for cutting it, and you knew it wasn't to spite you, etc, would you still be unable to find her attractive?

Back to the guarding one's heart point, I think that is the most important part, and sadly, it is the one that seems to go completely out the window these days. There is so much emphasis on maintaining some standard, with little or even no, responsibility put on the other spouse to purpose in the heart, to make that your standard of sexual alluredness, and beauty.

 

[dallasapple]

Truth to that, certainly from the ideal standpoint. I believe part of God's design for us included that as we age He also enabled us to see beauty in those aging with us.

Two things come into play. First, there is a limit to that in real, human terms. I fully admit while I find my DW attractive even with the aging she has done, she could have pushed past that point. Becoming morbidly obese, not taking care of teeth, cutting her hair short, wearing dumpy clothes. Yep, she could have done enough things that I would not find her attractive no matter how much I thought I should. (Only talking attraction here, not love, to be clear).

I appreciate your kind words about guarding my heart (even though I sorta just contradicted them above). And yes, some of that has been intentional. I recognized long ago the damage media can cause if you allow their portrayal of attractiveness to be what you believe your spouse should look like. It has set society's model for beauty in a way that is really not realistic. (As a sidebar, I don't know how men with porn problems cannot end up measuring thier wife against what they see).

So I guess I see it, like many things in marriage, as a shared responsibility. We do have a call to see beauty in our spouse, and we also have a responsibility to do what we reasonably can to be attractive to our spouse.

This completely makes sense to me and I am in line with that thinking..

And its funny..when I was 17 19 early 20's I of course thought of my husband as my "eros" interest..other guys that age I thought of of course not romatically ..but I saw them as "sexual beings"..if that makes sense..Now I see a 17 19 early 20's(well mid and late too) and they seem like children to me..I know 'logically" they are full grown adults and can even be married with children..

When I was that age...its the reverse..I would have thought of a 45 year old man(my husbands age) as "old" LOL!!...well "fatherly"..of course with the exception of some heart throb actors....

I guess the word is "natural"..I have "naturally" grown to see my 45 year old husband as my age appropriate "stud" LOL!!..I hope Im his age appropriate hottie!...But more so than 'in general" of course..like ME..particularly me..and "him' particularly 'him"..Not 'any" 40 something year old..

When I see a "hot' 20 year old..I think ..."oh look how cute '..LOL!!./..more like "adorable" like my kitten..LOL!!..Im sure it helps Im a grandmother for goodness sakes!

Dallas

 

[JanniGirl]

I also think there's a bit of a double standard. If a woman is supposed to weigh 120 according to BMI charts and gains 40 pounds (160lbs total), she's fat and doesn't respect herself or her husband . . .. she's a lazy bum.

If her husband is supposed to weigh in at 160lbs gains 60lbs (220lbs total), he's just well built or "normal" looking.

Our society has a double standard when it comes to overweight -- women are judged far more harshly than men.

We can all see the obese person and tell that they're probably not healthy.

The "overweight" man is normal though, while is overweight wife is "fat".

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Wow, where was he living? That's a pretty gnarly requirement, and being that same height, I know if I hit 155 lbs, I'd be EXTREMELY unhealthy looking. I'm 200 right now (down from 230 lbs thanks to Eat Stop Eat and a steady regiment of kettlebell swings and 2-hand jerks for high reps) and even at 230 I was fairly healthy and could pass an Air Force PT test.

He was living with my aunt, a holistic nurse who thought he could cure my husband's autism and lupus with eating a raw food vegetarian diet alone. The lupus is gone, yes, but the autism actually worsened.

He was extremely unhealthy looking. But he had never had muscle in his life before either. He was a 32 inch waist at 155. She said he looked fine and in fact could drop 10 more pounds. Of course she thought I had to be 100 pounds max (I'm 5'4", large boned, 175 pounds and already 19% body fat.)

I also think there's a bit of a double standard. If a woman is supposed to weigh 120 according to BMI charts and gains 40 pounds (160lbs total), she's fat and doesn't respect herself or her husband . . .. she's a lazy bum.

If her husband is supposed to weigh in at 160lbs gains 60lbs (220lbs total), he's just well built or "normal" looking.

Our society has a double standard when it comes to overweight -- women are judged far more harshly than men.

We can all see the obese person and tell that they're probably not healthy.

The "overweight" man is normal though, while is overweight wife is "fat".

Definitely a double standard, and the BMI is not accurate for everyone either.

There's almost this unspoken rule that NO woman should ever be above 150 lbs no matter what the reason is.

Yet I'm a) short, and b) only 19% body fat, and weigh 175.

Something doesn't compute. If I weighed 150 I would have 6% body fat- FAR too little for a woman, who is supposed to have 10-12% essential fat.

 

[dallasapple]

The only explanation Neinna (I woudl think) is its muscle mass thats making up a lot of your weight..In fact mauscle weighs more than fat already anyway...(as to why you are 19% only obdy fat)

Dallas

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

The only explanation Neinna (I woudl think) is its muscle mass thats making up a lot of your weight..In fact mauscle weighs more than fat already anyway...(as to why you are 19% only obdy fat)

Dallas

I know that is what it is, it's just that there is a double standard, and that women are judged only by the lbs or their size. I'm a size 14-16 and can't get smaller; my family says I should be a 4... my husband says I'm TOO skinny.

 

[dallasapple]

I know that is what it is, it's just that there is a double standard, and that women are judged only by the lbs or their size. I'm a size 14-16 and can't get smaller; my family says I should be a 4... my husband says I'm TOO skinny.

LOL!! Well since you cant please everyone how about they can all talk to the hand while you please YOUR SELF!

Dallas

 

[desi]

People get fat because they eat too much and work out too little. If they choose to do that and get fat then I don't think you can do anything for them. You can only change yourself.

 

[JaneFW]

Does someone just go looking for these old topics because they're going to cause strife?

Anyway, as someone who has been underweight and overweight, I think "they eat too much" is a huge simplification. Some people do become addicted to food, and the one thing that you can't give up - unlike drugs and alcohol and gambling and pornography - is food. You can't just decide not to eat at all. So, it's more complicated than that. It takes re-training.

I had an ex husband who was never happy with me. If I was skinny, I was too thin, if I put on weight, I was too fat. Ugh. I quit trying to please him on that one.

When I was pregnant, I ballooned up to 195lbs! No excuse for it. A vast quantity was water, and I actually dropped to 171lbs after I gave birth. So, baby weight and water. But 195 at 5ft was appalling. I looked like a whale, no other word for it. That's not to say that women should struggle to stay skinny when pregnant. That's unhealthy. You have to just continue to eat healthily because "eating for two" just isn't true. You just adjust up a little. But you do have to eat plenty when nursing. BUT, if you stay in balance, you will be okay.

When I quit drinking alcohol, I started eating a lot. I did a simple food for booze replacement. That didn't work out too good. Ha. I had to rebalance and get rid of that obsessive "need" for something.

The laughable thing was, I went for a doctor's appointment at that time, and I was about 160, and he wanted to do all the labs going, because he was wagging his finger at me about being overweight, and then I went back for results, and he was SO disappointed, it was laughable. Seriously, he was saying "cholesterol, hmmm, that's excellent .. sugar .. no problem there .. liver function .. excellent .." He actually wanted to be able to say SEE YOU ARE SO UNHEALTHY!! But I wasn't. I was taking better care of myself than I had in years and years, and it showed.

I actually hate fried food, and I don't eat red meat, and I eat a lot of veggies and fruit. I don't ever drink soda. I drink mainly water other than the occasional cup of decaff, and my labs have never varied since that test, and I'm 48 now, 49 in August. I'm pretty proud of that. Yes, I'm about 20lbs above "ideal" because "ideal" is apparently 100lbs and I'm just not going to try to get there. I have arthritis (genetic), I can't run any more, and that was the only way I ever got that skinny. I'm happy with myself.

My h on the other hand is about 30lbs overweight. He has gone up and down the scale all the time I have known him. It has never made a darn bit of difference to me, I have always desired him as he was, because love isn't in the way he looks, it's in who he is, and my heart is with him, and I don't think that will ever change, even if he was 60lbs overweight. That said, there are genetic cholesterol and blood pressure issues in his family. His dad (who has never been overweight) had a quadruple bypass in 2004. He often doesn't eat breakfast but then will sit with a carton of sugary cereal and eat half of it. I find that frustrating. I have learned to say nothing - nothing when he does that, and nothing when he complains about being overweight. It's his choice. He gets yearly labs too, and already knows his cholesterol ain't so great. BP is also high.

I couldn't imagine loving or not loving a spouse on the basis of their appearance. I have plenty of grey - well hidden by a skilful hairdresser - and wrinkles, and I daredn't look at my butt because the cellulite monster hides there. But I figure that if Jillian Michaels says that she has cellulite, as toned and healthy as she is, then I'm in good company and I'm not going to fret.

It's really, in the long term, not the biggest issue in a marriage, imho. Or eternity. Really, you wasted 20 years worrying about the size of your spouse's thighs or butt? And whether s/he was good enough? Wow. It's a short life, I'm just not going to do that.

 

[Conservativation]

Did anyone read the poll question?

The responses to this are amazing every time.

Posts about not loving ones spouse, posts about double standards, posts about personal struggles with eating, etc etc.

Not one actually addresses the OP, even though, yea, its an old one.

It is an interesting question, and especially an American question. We can rationalize all we want about good lab numbers and double standards and shallowness and how dare someone not love (where that came from is beyond me) but we are a VERY VERY fat country, we all know it, and its not good. All the equivocating under the sun wont change that, and it needs honest talk, blunt talk, its unmanageable.

Imagine if we treated smoking like being badly overweight. Imagine saying yea, I smoked but my lab numbers were great? Spare explaining how smoking and eating are different, I know and that misses the point. The point is lots of extra weight is not healthy. Overweight kids are not healthy, overweight adults are huge consumers of health care. Genetically we are the same folks as our (predominantly) European contemporaries. Something is badly amiss. I dont favor government fix, thats a bad idea. So, what to do?

 

[JanniGirl]

I guess we need a definition of "fat" to work with. What is fat? -- 20 lbs overweight, 30, 50? -- 75?

Personally, and I'm a medical professional . . . . I consider someone 'fat' when they are physically unable to do activities of daily living (dress themselves, cook a meal, shower, minimally clean the house) due to weight. I dare say, that I've seen plenty of healthy women who tip the scales at 180lbs. Now, is their husband going to find them as desireable as a 20something 100lb gal with breast implants? -- probably not. I'd put more of the blame for that on him than her. I've also seen a whole heck of a lot of men tipping the scales in the mid 200's who are reasonably healthy, too.

And frankly, I'm a little insulted that "looking good" is related, evidentially, solely to whether or not someone is fat. I'll be honest and say that my husband could stand to lose a good 100lbs -- He looks good to me.

The reason that people aren't addressing the poll is because they don't like any of the answers . . . . where's "none of the above" listed?

 

[dallasapple]

Now, is their husband going to find them as desireable as a 20something 100lb gal with breast implants? -- probably not.

How about a 40 something year old 100lb gal without breast implants?..Should I schedule my surgery now or wait ?

Because I'll get back to my point that I like to make..we are ALL just going to get OLD and wrinkly and 'saggy" ..no matter if we are skinny or fat..PERIOD!

Dallas

 

[JanniGirl]

Dallas,

I agree. And frankly, slightly "plump" folks to me, tend to look younger than the ultra skinny folks (like yourself, sorry).

The reason many gain weight as they age is because the responsibilities of adulthood tend to occupy time and energy that at 18-24, used-to be spent on looking "good". Start a high pressure career, have a few kids, get a mortgage and car payment, start caring for aging parents, accept adult responsibilities at church / civic groups . . . . It starts to wear one out. And frankly, a whole lot of us would rather attend church, play with the kids, have a good paying job, clean house, and some down-time ... than to get up an hour earlier every morning to "work-out". I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

It's a whole lot easier when you're a brand new adult to find the time to do these things or . . . . maybe wait until the kids are out of the house. Idk

 

[dallasapple]

Dallas,

I agree. And frankly, slightly "plump" folks to me, tend to look younger than the ultra skinny folks (like yourself, sorry).

The reason many gain weight as they age is because the responsibilities of adulthood tend to occupy time and energy that at 18-24, used-to be spent on looking "good". Start a high pressure career, have a few kids, get a mortgage and car payment, start caring for aging parents, accept adult responsibilities at church / civic groups . . . . It starts to wear one out. And frankly, a whole lot of us would rather attend church, play with the kids, have a good paying job, clean house, and some down-time ... than to get up an hour earlier every morning to "work-out". I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

It's a whole lot easier when you're a brand new adult to find the time to do these things or . . . . maybe wait until the kids are out of the house. Idk

Hey NO offense..Im so "vain" I have actually thought about deliberateley gaining about 10/12 lbs..and on my frame I would go up at least one size if I did..to 'plump me up" a little and stave off some of the wrinkles creeping up on me..

Having said that..I didnt stay thin because Im forever 18/24 with all my time and energy spent on "looking good"..

I mean no offense either..but it doesnt take that much time and energy NOT to become obese...plus it doesnt explain WHY our children (in the age range you mention and YOUNGER) are exceedingly in the overweight obese cateragory..

I guess what Im saying is..I sort of feel like you are saying that if you are thin you must not have a busy life and have all day to just work out or devote to "looking good"..I have a lot more time now than I used to..A LOT..but back in the day with 3 kids and all at home..(I didnt work outside the home but still..a lot of SAHM's put on weight and they say its because of tiredness...or even boredom...or lack of opportunity becasue of the kids schedules)...Anwyay I got down on the floor and worked out in my den...I also took up walking and jogging ..but a LOT of walking with my 3rd child just around our neighborhood to lose some weight I gained after I quit nursing him for 14 months..I also quit eating sugar..and flour ...(no bread..no pasta)...and lost that weight and stayed that way for the past 12 years.


You also dont have to have a vigorous work out schedule either..In fact ..UNLESS you have some medical condition..there should be no reason that you gain weight from eating the same amount of calories you actually burn off in a day...And Im not talking about 5 lbs or 10lbs or even possibly 20lbs from age 20...to 80..I think thats normal..but there is no reason I can find..that someone shoud gain 40 or 50 lbs..from age 24 to 40.....I mean there IS a reason..and its the large or majority of the time..eating more calories than you use..

Dallas

 

[JaneFW]

How about a 40 something year old 100lb gal without breast implants?..Should I schedule my surgery now or wait ?

Schedule immediately.

Because I'll get back to my point that I like to make..we are ALL just going to get OLD and wrinkly and 'saggy" ..no matter if we are skinny or fat..PERIOD!

Speak for yourself. I am forever young. So there.

 

[jimtem]

I guess we need a definition of "fat" to work with. What is fat? -- 20 lbs overweight, 30, 50? -- 75?

There are tons of different resources for this info and you have to differentiate between BMI and body composition but in general.

Men >20% = over weight & >25% is obese

Woman >25% = overweight & >30% is obese

You can't go by height and weight, that is meaningless. When I do health risk assessments we use BIA scales http://www.walmart.com/ip/Biggest-Loser-Body-Fat-Monitor-White/12454033?findingMethod=rr

 

[jimtem]

You also dont have to have a vigorous work out schedule either..In fact ..UNLESS you have some medical condition..there should be no reason that you gain weight from eating the same amount of calories you actually burn off in a day...And Im not talking about 5 lbs or 10lbs or even possibly 20lbs from age 20...to 80..I think thats normal..but there is no reason I can find..that someone shoud gain 40 or 50 lbs..from age 24 to 40.....I mean there IS a reason..and its the large or majority of the time..eating more calories than you use..

Dallas

You are exactly right. To greatly reduce your risk of chronic disease such as coronary artery disease, diabetes, congestive heart failure and stroke you only need to walk 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Or is your short on time you can power walk 20 minutes a day.

In combination to this the person has to balance their caloric intake. Even if the person is 40 with a 'slow' metabolism, has hypothyroidism, has abnormal ghrelin and leptin production levels, just had a baby, is on the pill and has a sedentary job it is still calories in minus calories out. A person can take in 1000 calories 20 minutes or an extra 200 calories in 3 minutes 5 times a day as simple extra calories. But it would take hours to walk that off. People never want to believe that they over eat. They don't realize how much they eat or are unaware of what a proper caloric intake is.