Why does one spouse get fat?

[WolfGate]

I have a middle view of this topic too..I see both sides..but what irks me ..isits almost always .."its not the weight its thier health"..I dont buy that 9 times out to 10 thats the primary concern..

The reason beign is you can be very unhealthy..have very unhelathy habits as far as your diet including having to high of a BMI and still be "thin"..you can be sedentary and and still be thin...you can kkep your calroies and yoru weight down..but only be eatign for exaple foods that are not nurtrient dense..that are high in fat and sugar..

I dont see the spouses running around complaining how worried they are their spouse has horrible eatign habits..never excersizes..and is begging them to take better care of themselves..as long as you cant really tell by looking at them in terms of "fatness".

Thin does NOT -=healthy..You can be "thin" and have diabetes..hardening of the arteries..high blood pressure.high risk for cancers frond offering ot go on walks?Frantically trying to come up with great tasing healthy meals it the spouse is "thin" but yet eating crap for food?Thin...but never does any cardio or muscle buildign excersizes?

Just an observation...

Dallas

Dallas, I think - perhaps more accurately am assuming - that for most it's both. You are correct that thin = healthy is not a true formula. Though I do believe much of our culture sees there is a correlation, so there is a tendancy to assume someone who is thin is healthy.

I would say I DO see spouses running around worried about their thin spouses eating habits. However, there is usually something else that sparked it. Poor cholesteral reading, blood sugar, unable to do activities once enjoyed - or concern because of family history things will go that way. With being overweight also increasing risks of health problems, it causes the same parallel concern.

So I'm not disagreeing with your "it's not the weight, it's the health" irk. Most people do want their spouse to be attractive to them. And they want them to be healthy. Not an either/or IMHO.

Course, I could be wrong. All I've really got to go on is my experience with my one marriage. For us, as we age, we focus on nutrition and activity and let the rest take care of itself.

 

[dallasapple]

Dallas, I think - perhaps more accurately am assuming - that for most it's both. You are correct that thin = healthy is not a true formula. Though I do believe much of our culture sees there is a correlation, so there is a tendancy to assume someone who is thin is healthy.

I would say I DO see spouses running around worried about their thin spouses eating habits. However, there is usually something else that sparked it. Poor cholesteral reading, blood sugar, unable to do activities once enjoyed - or concern because of family history things will go that way. With being overweight also increasing risks of health problems, it causes the same parallel concern.

So I'm not disagreeing with your "it's not the weight, it's the health" irk. Most people do want their spouse to be attractive to them. And they want them to be healthy. Not an either/or IMHO.

Course, I could be wrong. All I've really got to go on is my experience with my one marriage. For us, as we age, we focus on nutrition and activity and let the rest take care of itself.

I agree Im sure its "both" ..BUT my irk is the health part of it is what seems to me a "side note"..thats put forth as the real or "main" concern..

And I just dont see alot of people.."complaining' that they are desperate to get their "thin" spouse to start eatign better. and excersizing.because they are racked with concerns over thier health...or that they feel 'cheated" that their spouse used to eat salmon and walnuts and greek yogurt....and now they are having to watch them eat white bread and processed american cheese.IOW they seem to have more of an easy time leaving thier diet up to them(and excersize habits)..no matter how poor it is..if they dont get fat..while looming over them are high risk for osteopsorsis.breast cancer..(women who take hormonal BC pills in fact have a significant risk for certain female cancers..I dont see peopel running around aganizing over that risk)...etc...

Its only that if they are fat..it seems the spouse has this urgent concern over their health..with the exception I do see some feel that way over smoking...or some other obvious health hazzard..

I mean as long as Im thin..my husband doesnt question if all I eat today is some cherry licorice,a glass of chocolate milk..5 slices of bacon..cheese whiz on saltines..24 ozs of dr.pepper..and I barely walk around the house let alone get on a treadmill...he also doesnt remind me to wear sunscrean..even though Im due to my heritage and skin tone..in a high risk cateragory for skin cancer..

Im aware that obesity is an inidcator of those bad habits..which the weight carries risks on thier own..but I just dotn SEE or hear..spouses wigging out ..if their spouse has horrible eatign habits..and is sedentary ..as long as they LOOK GOOD..

My husband has been what I call "slightly' overweight..for almost our entire marriage..not grossly obese..and he ended up with type 2 diabetes at 43 years of age..(its full on ..he has to take medicatin to control it)..I have NEVER "complained' about his weight..TBH I only noticed it really becasue he complained..what I DID notice..was how poorly he ate..and how he had very bad habits liek keeping fried pies in his nightstand which he would eat (Im not kidding) in the middle of teh night..he avoided vegetables and ate limited fruit..TONS of red meat..and lots of fast food...has ONLY been on one excersize routine which I was on (Larry North) that he did with me for about 6 months then he quit..

I have told him over and over and over and over..he is GOING to get colon cancer..he is GOING to develop heart disease..I coudl NOT make him eat right or excersize..it TOOK him developing diabetes to change..

I have maintained my weight our entire marraige(once i got fat after 3rd child and nursing for 14 months I took care of it)...but he wouldnt notice Im telling you if I only ate a bowl of sugar for breakfast lunch and dinner..as long as I didnt gain weight..well maybe he would now..becasue of his diabetes..but my point is..I can be sitting here ..developing all kinds of diseases from poor eating..and its not so "urgent' I dont think as if my eating habits caused me to gain 30lbs over the next 3 years..and he had to see my naked body in that condition..

And finally..that is why I would RESENT him putting on a front that it was all about his concren over my health if that were to happen..I would call him a liar.

Dallas

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

Dang, I do all those things with my wife, Dallas. Both her parents have had skin cancer so I harass her like crazy to wear sunscreen when she's out. Actually, I'm a bit wary of her going to the pool all the time cause I don't want her getting skin cancer. She's fair skinned so it's extremely important for her to cover herself up with sunscreen and/or clothes and to wear a wide brim hat. I admit that she is pretty good about wearing sunscreen and protecting her skin. Most of the time she has to bug me about sunscreen! My parents didn't get skin cancer though so genetically I'm not as likely to get it.

She's also well-toned and thin but her eating habits, especially at work, are abysmal. She will go a whole day and eat nothing but Doritos and drink Coke. I have definitely been bugging her about eating better at work. I do my part by packing her healthy lunch but oftentimes she doesn't take a lunch break and just eats the junk food on the go. I'm trying to get her to just TAKE a lunch break. If it's busy, who cares, you need to eat. Take 15 minutes, sit down, and eat some real food. Her co-workers eat their lunch, she should eat hers, too. People can be patient and wait till she's done. Anyway, it's been a battle. She knows I'm just looking out for her, though.

 

[dallasapple]

Dang, I do all those things with my wife, Dallas. Both her parents have had skin cancer so I harass her like crazy to wear sunscreen when she's out. Actually, I'm a bit wary of her going to the pool all the time cause I don't want her getting skin cancer. She's fair skinned so it's extremely important for her to cover herself up with sunscreen and/or clothes and to wear a wide brim hat. I admit that she is pretty good about wearing sunscreen and protecting her skin. Most of the time she has to bug me about sunscreen! My parents didn't get skin cancer though so genetically I'm not as likely to get it.

She's also well-toned and thin but her eating habits, especially at work, are abysmal. She will go a whole day and eat nothing but Doritos and drink Coke. I have definitely been bugging her about eating better at work. I do my part by packing her healthy lunch but oftentimes she doesn't take a lunch break and just eats the junk food on the go. I'm trying to get her to just TAKE a lunch break. If it's busy, who cares, you need to eat. Take 15 minutes, sit down, and eat some real food. Her co-workers eat their lunch, she should eat hers, too. People can be patient and wait till she's done. Anyway, it's been a battle. She knows I'm just looking out for her, though.

Well maybe you should start a thread on "my wife is thin and tone..but I feel cheated she doesnt eat right and its not fair she makes me worry"..because it would be the FIRST one I saw started..versus the many many that are started about 'my wife is fat"..oh and yeah..Im worried about her health because of it..

Be sure to include how selfish she is..not takign care of her thin toned heart..and her vulnerable skin..and how difficult it is to be attracted to her..knowing how little she cares about her health...therefore she must not really care about your feelings..

Dallas

 

[SharonL]

I am overweight and have suffered tremendously - I lose weight, gain weight. But the thing I guess that upsets me is that a nice skinny person gets so much more respect in life, in their work in everything they do even though the overweight person outshines them 100%. I always had good jobs, but I always knew I had to perform twice as much as the skinny person.

My husband's ex-wife was not overweight - she was a person that jumped in bed with anyone and everyone, neglected her kids, in fact deserted them - yet more respect was shown to her because she was not overweight.

Everything that happens to an overweight is blamed on the weight - yet I am healthier than most of my friends - I am 76 years old, work part time, volunteer at the hospital do water arobics 3 days a week, but if my back hurts - its from being overweight - if my arthritis hurts its from being overweight - I am a diebetic - they say its from overweight. Yet I have friends who are skinny, diebetic, etc - but tht comes from inheritance. Not making excuses, but I can work circles around some of my skinny friends, yet I am the cause of everything that happens healthwise. Just not fair.

 

[dallasapple]

I am overweight and have suffered tremendously - I lose weight, gain weight. But the thing I guess that upsets me is that a nice skinny person gets so much more respect in life, in their work in everything they do even though the overweight person outshines them 100%. I always had good jobs, but I always knew I had to perform twice as much as the skinny person.

My husband's ex-wife was not overweight - she was a person that jumped in bed with anyone and everyone, neglected her kids, in fact deserted them - yet more respect was shown to her because she was not overweight.

Everything that happens to an overweight is blamed on the weight - yet I am healthier than most of my friends - I am 76 years old, work part time, volunteer at the hospital do water arobics 3 days a week, but if my back hurts - its from being overweight - if my arthritis hurts its from being overweight - I am a diebetic - they say its from overweight. Yet I have friends who are skinny, diebetic, etc - but tht comes from inheritance. Not making excuses, but I can work circles around some of my skinny friends, yet I am the cause of everything that happens healthwise. Just not fair.

Well the fact of the matter is everyone gets sick and dies ..period..thin..medium and large..or they get killed in an accident..but left to mother nature ..we all get diseases(sickness we recover from...some chronic and then eventually sometign overtakes us or something wears out).

Having said that beign overwieght and or obese for the significant portion of your life is a sure way to cut your life short.Many things you might not ever develop..or may have developed later in life..obesity can cause .It doesnt mean every illness or condition yu have IS the result of it..just you are flat out at higher risks..and it can in fact be the cause..

I think..its now the leadign cause of all major diseases and premature death..I think it beats out smoking.(or its a close 2nd)..

Obviously though..its ridiculous and shameless to judge a persons character..based on simply thier weight..

Im a thin person always have been..that is no reflection on if Im "good or bad"..I happen to be good....but its not because of my dress size.

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Also Sharon..Im not picking on you ..I just think sayign beign overweight doesnt mean everyitme you are sick its the casue ..isnt the point as far as the health risk that are a matter of fact there...

I will give you a counter...My oldest son..is 28 ..he has been overweight since he was about 8...now before he is even 30..he has out of control blood pressure..his cholestraol and triglycerides are also alarmingly high..Im his mother..and have not until recently(in my 40's) had ot have ANY concern over my cholesteraol and blood pressure..and neither has his father..even though his father now has diabetes due to poor eatign habits..

My son has "old age" conditions in his late 20's due to his long term weight problem..as a result of his poor eating and excersize habits.There s no gettign around the fact that if left un-treated..left as is?He coudl be one of the ones you hear of havign his first heart attack in his early 40's...teh first thing on the list..accordign to his DOCTORS is lose weight..

Same with my husband..the doctor put him on meds..but told him LOSE weight..My DIL(my grandbabies Mama) had to have an emergency gall bladder surgery to remove her gall bladder..the doctors said most likely the cause was due to her poor eating habits and obesity..she was only 24 when that developed..(too much fat in her diet I believe)...My littel sister..has been overweight again since childhood..by 33..she had 3 knee surgeries..two times on one knee and one on the other..it wasnt from a sports injury..it was from her weight..

Dallas

 

[WolfGate]

Dallas - I agree with your main thesis here. Let me just make a couple of quick points.

I agree Im sure its "both" ..BUT my irk is the health part of it is what seems to me a "side note"..thats put forth as the real or "main" concern..

And I just dont see alot of people.."complaining' that they are desperate to get their "thin" spouse to start eatign better. and excersizing.because they are racked with concerns over thier health...or that they feel 'cheated" that their spouse used to eat salmon and walnuts and greek yogurt....and now they are having to watch them eat white bread and processed american cheese.IOW they seem to have more of an easy time leaving thier diet up to them(and excersize habits)..no matter how poor it is..if they dont get fat..while looming over them are high risk for osteopsorsis.breast cancer..(women who take hormonal BC pills in fact have a significant risk for certain female cancers..I dont see peopel running around aganizing over that risk)...etc...

I don't either - until they find out their spouse is pre-diabetic, or has heart disease, or high cholesteral, or... Then I do see it. Without that type of indication of increased health risk, yep, most people don't really care about their spouse's diet. Up to that point, the danger is not visible. Gaining weight, though, is a health risk factor that is entirely visible. Which leads to the other aspect of weight...

Its only that if they are fat..it seems the spouse has this urgent concern over their health..with the exception I do see some feel that way over smoking...or some other obvious health hazzard..

I mean as long as Im thin..my husband doesnt question if all I eat today is some cherry licorice,a glass of chocolate milk..5 slices of bacon..cheese whiz on saltines..24 ozs of dr.pepper..and I barely walk around the house let alone get on a treadmill...he also doesnt remind me to wear sunscrean..even though Im due to my heritage and skin tone..in a high risk cateragory for skin cancer..

Im aware that obesity is an inidcator of those bad habits..which the weight carries risks on thier own..but I just dotn SEE or hear..spouses wigging out ..if their spouse has horrible eatign habits..and is sedentary ..as long as they LOOK GOOD.....

This does hit on the other dynamic in play, doesn't it? Unlike all the things I mentioned above, weight also has an effect on attractiveness. And that makes it a more emotional topic than any of the other health stuff.

My husband has been what I call "slightly' overweight..for almost our entire marriage..not grossly obese..and he ended up with type 2 diabetes at 43 years of age..(its full on ..he has to take medicatin to control it)..I have NEVER "complained' about his weight..TBH I only noticed it really becasue he complained..what I DID notice..was how poorly he ate..and how he had very bad habits liek keeping fried pies in his nightstand which he would eat (Im not kidding) in the middle of teh night..he avoided vegetables and ate limited fruit..TONS of red meat..and lots of fast food...has ONLY been on one excersize routine which I was on (Larry North) that he did with me for about 6 months then he quit..

I have told him over and over and over and over..he is GOING to get colon cancer..he is GOING to develop heart disease..I coudl NOT make him eat right or excersize..it TOOK him developing diabetes to change..

I have maintained my weight our entire marraige(once i got fat after 3rd child and nursing for 14 months I took care of it)...but he wouldnt notice Im telling you if I only ate a bowl of sugar for breakfast lunch and dinner..as long as I didnt gain weight..well maybe he would now..becasue of his diabetes..but my point is..I can be sitting here ..developing all kinds of diseases from poor eating..and its not so "urgent' I dont think as if my eating habits caused me to gain 30lbs over the next 3 years..and he had to see my naked body in that condition..

To me the futility in this type of thread is that none of us can really make our spouse change their behavior. It has to be something else, whether health issue, conviction from Holy Spirit, etc.

And finally..that is why I would RESENT him putting on a front that it was all about his concren over my health if that were to happen..I would call him a liar.

Dallas

I can understand that.

I also understand why many people try the "health" route. Just mentioning "weight" and "attraction" gets emotions spun up really fast. Look at this thread! I think though, that like you, most people would see through the front. So that tact usually fails.

Does leave someone like the OP in a difficult spot.

 

[SharonL]

Also Sharon..Im not picking on you ..I just think sayign beign overweight doesnt mean everyitme you are sick its the casue ..isnt the point as far as the health risk that are a matter of fact there...

I will give you a counter...My oldest son..is 28 ..he has been overweight since he was about 8...now before he is even 30..he has out of control blood pressure..his cholestraol and triglycerides are also alarmingly high..Im his mother..and have not until recently(in my 40's) had ot have ANY concern over my cholesteraol and blood pressure..and neither has his father..even though his father now has diabetes due to poor eatign habits..

My son has "old age" conditions in his late 20's due to his long term weight problem..as a result of his poor eating and excersize habits.There s no gettign around the fact that if left un-treated..left as is?He coudl be one of the ones you hear of havign his first heart attack in his early 40's...teh first thing on the list..accordign to his DOCTORS is lose weight..

Same with my husband..the doctor put him on meds..but told him LOSE weight..My DIL(my grandbabies Mama) had to have an emergency gall bladder surgery to remove her gall bladder..the doctors said most likely the cause was due to her poor eating habits and obesity..she was only 24 when that developed..(too much fat in her diet I believe)...My littel sister..has been overweight again since childhood..by 33..she had 3 knee surgeries..two times on one knee and one on the other..it wasnt from a sports injury..it was from her weight..

Dallas

You are totally right. Weight runs in my family - everyone fights it - I feel for my daughter and son - they both fight it. I'm not saying weight is ok - just that we are judged by our weight. Diebetes runs way back many generations in my family - even though I am diabetic my blood pressure is perfect, cholestrol - perfect - heart beat - perfect. Having a hard time now due to arthritis and shoulder hurting, but that is from age. Believe me if I could be successful at losing weight and my family, I would be the first one to celebrate. I would never make excuses about not losing (I am totally at fault and so are my family) even though we eat healthy we still do not eat right - I have no excuse and have much remorse for hurting myself like I have by always wanting to hide from people and places.

 

[dallasapple]

You are totally right. Weight runs in my family - everyone fights it - I feel for my daughter and son - they both fight it. I'm not saying weight is ok - just that we are judged by our weight. Diebetes runs way back many generations in my family - even though I am diabetic my blood pressure is perfect, cholestrol - perfect - heart beat - perfect. Having a hard time now due to arthritis and shoulder hurting, but that is from age. Believe me if I could be successful at losing weight and my family, I would be the first one to celebrate. I would never make excuses about not losing (I am totally at fault and so are my family) even though we eat healthy we still do not eat right - I have no excuse and have much remorse for hurting myself like I have by always wanting to hide from people and places.

Well I must admit..as im sure anyone would..if at 76 you have normal cholesterol and blood pressure without medications ..you are doign awesome..you have obviously taken care of your self in spite of beign overweight...The diabetes and the arthritis could in fact be unrealted..even if they arent..you are still doign awesome..WAY to go!

My mother is 67..and she has had SOO many things already..Her thyroid went out in her 30's..high blood pressure in her early 40's and cholesterol through the roof(like 400)..now she has a condition I believe called A ventricle fibrilation(its an electricle problem in the hearts sinus node)..She is not 'obese"..she has been what I would call "overweight' but not obese since her late 30's..and she is a smoker..and drinks too much alcohol.and likes to eat fat...I think those habits and not excersizing have caused her to have a lot of her issues..even if she was going to have them ANYWAY I think they are aggrivated..her hip was competley warn out and she has already had a hip replacement..she started havign bone deteriatin too..in her 50's..pre-osteo psorosis..I think its the smoking that did that..she will deny that and say its genetic..

Anyway I rambling..you are an awesome lady..

People are hateful for judging you on your weight.

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

This does hit on the other dynamic in play, doesn't it? Unlike all the things I mentioned above, weight also has an effect on attractiveness. And that makes it a more emotional topic than any of the other health stuff.

Thats the point..I think the concern..I mean the real aggrivation and "heartbreak" is over their APPEARENCE...by that I mean thier level of "distraughtness" including the the harsh judment of their lack of control and discipline as it pertains to what they eat..and if they excersize or not ..is brought on by THEIR own personal level of discomfort of the viewing pleasure of the spouses body..NOT that inside the body there are clogged arteries...conditions developing that will eventaully result in a stroke ..or cancer ....etc...

When they CRINGE when they see them eating a donut..its over the accumilation of the fat that is VISIBLE to them..that is a turn OFF...NOT Oh my ! You are stressing out your PANCREAS...you will RUIN your insulin cells..!!! take that out of your mouth..Its a different concern..that is made out to be a "concern" over their health..Its an undertone of ANGER and as if something is being taken away from them..and its all about what they see...they arent 'angry" if what they see looks good..even if they know logically the SAME amount of damage is being done internally...

I mean seriously..I have known of people to actully go as far as divorcing over their spouses weight gain..When have you ever heard of someone divorcing because their spouse refused to stop eating too much sugar and had a family history of diabetes?

They aint fooling me!

And by the way..Im one of the few that I know of..that will flat out say..going through pregnancy and childbirth..is NOT a reason to put on ANY extra "permanent" weight..its flat out not true..My youngest son is 15..why should I have any extra weight on me now from pregnancy ???If I asked 10 doctors that ..unless they were quacks..they would tell me I shouldnt..

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

I think the question comes back around is it a selfish and or shallow "concern" to not want to have to "look at" a fat spouse..to be angry or resentful that is what you "see" when you look at them..Serioulsy if 5 doctors say ..well..you are otherwise healthy"..IOW your spouses weight ..they are one of the ones that seem to be getting away with fat but healthy...would the spouse THEN be O.K with it?If the ONLY reason that they have a problem with it is appearence?

I dont know..its kind of scary considering we are ALL going to change drastically in appearence as we age regardless of weight..When we are old how are we going to ignore the fact our spouse was unhappy if we were fat..but now we are old and its supposedly not going to affect them and the way they see us?

Dallas

 

[WolfGate]

I think the question comes back around is it a selfish and or shallow "concern" to not want to have to "look at" a fat spouse..to be angry or resentful that is what you "see" when you look at them..Serioulsy if 5 doctors say ..well..you are otherwise healthy"..IOW your spouses weight ..they are one of the ones that seem to be getting away with fat but healthy...would the spouse THEN be O.K with it?If the ONLY reason that they have a problem with it is appearence?

I dont know..its kind of scary considering we are ALL going to change drastically in appearence as we age regardless of weight..When we are old how are we going to ignore the fact our spouse was unhappy if we were fat..but now we are old and its supposedly not going to affect them and the way they see us?

Dallas

I don't know Dallas. Yes, we are all going to change. Recently a college friend posted on Facebook a photo of my wonderful wife from when we met. She was 19 then, and is 45 now. I felt a little guilty for thinking how hot she looked in the pictures - LOL!! I mean, here I am a 48 year old admiring a 19 year old. Of course she's changed a good bit. And I wonder when I was 22 if I could have seen a picture of my wife at 45, would I have had a similar reaction in reverse. Probably not. But my wife is attractive to me now - so I've changed as well in what I see as attractive.

HOWEVER, I totally get the point of "how are we going to ignore the fact our spouse was unhappy if we were fat..but now we are old and its supposedly not going to affect them and the way they see us?" Another emotional minefield.

It is important, I think, for us to do what we can to be attractive to our spouse. For example, I like longer hair. My DW's sister has a really short, above the ear haircut that I think is entirely unattractive. She got it because it's easy to take care of. If my DW cut her hair that way, I would not be happy because IMHO it would make her less attractive to me. So, though it takes more work for her to dry and so forth, DW keeps her hair a few inches below shoulder length. Not as long as I might find ideal, but that would be really hard for her to manage. Not as short as she might prefer, but she also wants to be as attractive to me as reasonably possible.

Is it selfish or shallow for me to want her to keep her hair that long? Because the only thing that is about is appearance.

Now the part I still haven't thought through well yet is how different weight is. Excluding the issues that cannot be controlled of course. (I wouldn't resent my wife if her hair fell out, even though I might if she cut it despite knowing I found it not attractive.) And I realize weight is a much more complicated thing than hair, with many medical, habitual, emotional aspects. But in the end, I think there is validity to including weight in the list of things someone should try to reasonably control for their spouse.

Dang, can I sit any closer to the middle of the fence?

 

[dallasapple]

I don't know Dallas. Yes, we are all going to change. Recently a college friend posted on Facebook a photo of my wonderful wife from when we met. She was 19 then, and is 45 now. I felt a little guilty for thinking how hot she looked in the pictures - LOL!! I mean, here I am a 48 year old admiring a 19 year old. Of course she's changed a good bit. And I wonder when I was 22 if I could have seen a picture of my wife at 45, would I have had a similar reaction in reverse. Probably not. But my wife is attractive to me now - so I've changed as well in what I see as attractive.

HOWEVER, I totally get the point of "how are we going to ignore the fact our spouse was unhappy if we were fat..but now we are old and its supposedly not going to affect them and the way they see us?" Another emotional minefield.

It is important, I think, for us to do what we can to be attractive to our spouse. For example, I like longer hair. My DW's sister has a really short, above the ear haircut that I think is entirely unattractive. She got it because it's easy to take care of. If my DW cut her hair that way, I would not be happy because IMHO it would make her less attractive to me. So, though it takes more work for her to dry and so forth, DW keeps her hair a few inches below shoulder length. Not as long as I might find ideal, but that would be really hard for her to manage. Not as short as she might prefer, but she also wants to be as attractive to me as reasonably possible.

Is it selfish or shallow for me to want her to keep her hair that long? Because the only thing that is about is appearance.

Now the part I still haven't thought through well yet is how different weight is. Excluding the issues that cannot be controlled of course. (I wouldn't resent my wife if her hair fell out, even though I might if she cut it despite knowing I found it not attractive.) And I realize weight is a much more complicated thing than hair, with many medical, habitual, emotional aspects. But in the end, I think there is validity to including weight in the list of things someone should try to reasonably control for their spouse.

Dang, can I sit any closer to the middle of the fence?

Im so glad you understood what i was asking..sometimes I feel clear as "mud" not spring water..

No I dont think its selfish for you to want your wife to keep her hair that long.But I guess its the same question..what about when she is old and the long hair completely loses its affect?then what?Unless you like long gray hair thats all wiry..see what I mean?

I think its funny you thought your wife was hot and felt guilty because you are 48 and she was 19 LOL!!...that doesnt count because you are her husband..and you thought she was hot then too right?When you were younger?

And how different IS weight?Do you think there is an overall sort of "disgust" with fat in our society?..Or is it deeper than that?Like instinctually fat = bad health /immobility so its an ingrained turn off?Or its an outward evidence of a type of "gluttony"?..Versus hair length which is really more about style..and has nothing to do with representing feritlity or health?

I saw a study a long time ago..and "clear skin" is something that apparently we subconsciously notice..like a sign of good health..= indicates "fertility"..

anyway..I imagine when I'm really old..and my husband tellign me "your hot!"....and it cracks me up..I guess I'll cal him a liar then too..

Dallas

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

I struggle with my weight too. I will literally change two sizes in the course of a month, and then go back down after I'm all done with my monthly. Where my BMI puts me at obese however, I've had a body composition test done and I'm at 19% body fat- 5'4" 172 pounds on average. BMI or size is not the end all when it comes to overweight or not.

My husband went from 300 pounds to 155 on a starvation diet (less than 1000 calories a day.) By the time we got married he was 180 and looking pretty good; well, it's been a year and a half and he's now 235... He's afraid of losing weight because last time it took a starvation diet and he doesn't want that again. I eat half a plate of food per meal just to try to stay at a size 16 (and exercise quite a bit too) and he walks about 5 miles a day and only eats a plate of food per meal... we're talking mostly veggies and a small portion of pasta, potatoes or rice, rarely if ever meat.

Calories in calories out doesn't work in all cases apparently.

 

[dallasapple]

I struggle with my weight too. I will literally change two sizes in the course of a month, and then go back down after I'm all done with my monthly. Where my BMI puts me at obese however, I've had a body composition test done and I'm at 19% body fat- 5'4" 172 pounds on average. BMI or size is not the end all when it comes to overweight or not.

My husband went from 300 pounds to 155 on a starvation diet (less than 1000 calories a day.) By the time we got married he was 180 and looking pretty good; well, it's been a year and a half and he's now 235... He's afraid of losing weight because last time it took a starvation diet and he doesn't want that again. I eat half a plate of food per meal just to try to stay at a size 16 (and exercise quite a bit too) and he walks about 5 miles a day and only eats a plate of food per meal... we're talking mostly veggies and a small portion of pasta, potatoes or rice, rarely if ever meat.

Calories in calories out doesn't work in all cases apparently.

He could have whacked out his body starving himself..and I know its very bad for you to lose and gain a lot of weight up and down all the time like you are describing you do..

And I think the point is ..calories in and calories out "works" or its how it shoud work in the vast majortiy..thats how the human body works..

I mean if someone "suddenly" gains a lot of weight..or loses...the rule of thumb is go to the doctor..something is most likely wrong with you thats more serious than "calories in calories " out..

Dallas

 

[Romanseight2005]

One thing that troubles me a bit about all of this, is that no one seems to recognize the responsibility that we each have, to find our spouse attractive. The onus is on me to think my hubby is attractive. Nowhere in scripture does it tell a man, or a woman, to focus on her/his beauty. That is something that we like to pretend is in there, but it's not. However, Scripture does tell us that we are to find our spouse alluring, even when they are old. This means that the responsibility to find one's spouse attractive lies with the perception of the spouse admiring the other.

Wolfgate, was you said was huge. You find your wife attractive now. That has everything to do with you. That literally means that you have guarded your heart well. It has very little, of anything at all, to do with your wife.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I struggle with my weight too. I will literally change two sizes in the course of a month, and then go back down after I'm all done with my monthly. Where my BMI puts me at obese however, I've had a body composition test done and I'm at 19% body fat- 5'4" 172 pounds on average. BMI or size is not the end all when it comes to overweight or not.

My husband went from 300 pounds to 155 on a starvation diet (less than 1000 calories a day.) By the time we got married he was 180 and looking pretty good; well, it's been a year and a half and he's now 235... He's afraid of losing weight because last time it took a starvation diet and he doesn't want that again. I eat half a plate of food per meal just to try to stay at a size 16 (and exercise quite a bit too) and he walks about 5 miles a day and only eats a plate of food per meal... we're talking mostly veggies and a small portion of pasta, potatoes or rice, rarely if ever meat.

Calories in calories out doesn't work in all cases apparently.

Calories in/out works, but only (generally) up to the point that you aren't throwing your body into starvation mode by eating too few calories, which can throw the ratio out of whack. Your bodyfat percentage is on the lower side of normal, though, so apparently whatever you're doing is working. Is your husband a tall guy, though? 235 is much different for a 6'4 guy than a 5'7" guy. Judging by his routine I'm guessing that his bodyfat should still be pretty low (and that he looked downright anorexic when he was 80 lbs lighter)

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Calories in/out works, but only (generally) up to the point that you aren't throwing your body into starvation mode by eating too few calories, which can throw the ratio out of whack. Your bodyfat percentage is on the lower side of normal, though, so apparently whatever you're doing is working. Is your husband a tall guy, though? 235 is much different for a 6'4 guy than a 5'7" guy. Judging by his routine I'm guessing that his bodyfat should still be pretty low (and that he looked downright anorexic when he was 80 lbs lighter)

He's 6' and average boned. It wasn't his choice to go on the starvation diet; it was a requirement of the place he was living at the time. They wanted him to get to 145. O_O His waist is 42 right now, so yeah he could afford to lose at least 30 pounds.

 

[WolfGate]

One thing that troubles me a bit about all of this, is that no one seems to recognize the responsibility that we each have, to find our spouse attractive. The onus is on me to think my hubby is attractive. Nowhere in scripture does it tell a man, or a woman, to focus on her/his beauty. That is something that we like to pretend is in there, but it's not. However, Scripture does tell us that we are to find our spouse alluring, even when they are old. This means that the responsibility to find one's spouse attractive lies with the perception of the spouse admiring the other.

Wolfgate, was you said was huge. You find your wife attractive now. That has everything to do with you. That literally means that you have guarded your heart well. It has very little, of anything at all, to do with your wife.

Truth to that, certainly from the ideal standpoint. I believe part of God's design for us included that as we age He also enabled us to see beauty in those aging with us.

Two things come into play. First, there is a limit to that in real, human terms. I fully admit while I find my DW attractive even with the aging she has done, she could have pushed past that point. Becoming morbidly obese, not taking care of teeth, cutting her hair short, wearing dumpy clothes. Yep, she could have done enough things that I would not find her attractive no matter how much I thought I should. (Only talking attraction here, not love, to be clear).

I appreciate your kind words about guarding my heart (even though I sorta just contradicted them above). And yes, some of that has been intentional. I recognized long ago the damage media can cause if you allow their portrayal of attractiveness to be what you believe your spouse should look like. It has set society's model for beauty in a way that is really not realistic. (As a sidebar, I don't know how men with porn problems cannot end up measuring thier wife against what they see).

So I guess I see it, like many things in marriage, as a shared responsibility. We do have a call to see beauty in our spouse, and we also have a responsibility to do what we reasonably can to be attractive to our spouse.