Why does one spouse get fat?

[jimtem]

How about you; do you accept people the way they are? Maybe you do, if your answer is yes to that question then how about a second question. You are a Christian man and are you successful in loving your God with all your mind, body, and soul and do you love your neighbor as yourself?[/COLOR] If you do not then apply the questions to yourself that you asked on this forum. 1) Do they (you) just not care enough to do something about it? 2) Are they (You) unaware that you are totally, completely able to accept people the way they are and loving your God with all your might and your neighbor as yourself? 3) Do they think your spouse is OK with you not accepting her the way she is or not loving God with all your might and loving your neighbor as yourself? Can this be true? 4) Do you think it’s really out of your control? My point is that we should try and help others, especially our loved ones, to improve themselves when possible but if that does not work or is not possible then accepting them and loving them without resentment takes precedence.

​

Weight and physical attractiveness is important in a marriage but there are others things that are so much mort important and fulfilling. Stan PS My wife ahs been overweight for over 20 years. We celebrated our 40th wedding anniversery last December.

Sorry I only replied to half of your post. I was to busy to get to all of it the other day.
Concerning the section about accepting someone for who they are please refer to my post 29 and EZoolander’s post 27 these both offer a comprehensive and fundamental articulation of the meaning behind that phrase. I will try to honestly answer your questions. No I am not a Christian. I am agnostic. I would like to not tie this discussion to Christianity please. The goal of the discussion is to quantify the perception on the issue and to understand how a person could be happy with someone they wouldn’t marry just shortly after marriage. To address the bulk of your post, I was agnostic when I got married and my wife knew it. She is agnostic also. We were both young, very active, health conscious, happy agnostics. Then after the “I do’s” she instantly quit the work out, became inactive and gained 30 pounds. You are right that there is more to marriage than physical attraction and as mentioned before the key words there are “more than”. There is more than means along with, in addition to and not replaced by. Physical attraction is a part of marriage and the marriage is affected by it, especially if the marriage is brand new. The goal of this thread is not for others to discover a solution for me. The goal is to understand other perception concerning the causes in these situations. A case study is not helpful. A ton of replies is. That’s why it’s a poll. Do I understand correctly that you and your wife were not obese when you met and then 20 years after the wedding she became obese? Although 20 years is a lot longer than the 1 year in my situation can you tell me how you went from being a person who choose a non obese spouse and then became OK with having an obese spouse?

 

[jimtem]

One thing you forgot to mention is medical issues. My mom, for example, gained weight because she was on prednisone (steroid) for a medical issue. I gained weight when I started having moderate to heavy issues with asthma (after being diagnosed with asthma at 18, being put on an inhaler that made me allergic to bronchiodilators and caffeine) and having children. I am now losing weight because I'm on a diabetic diet (gestational diabetic) and can't eat as much as is on my diet w/o my blood sugar going up. As this has been my lifestyle for 4.5 months, I'm hoping to stay with it (getting a new diet from a dietician at the hospital before I leave) after the baby is born. However, if I start eating *everything* on the diet they give me . . . I don't *know* that I will be able to continue losing weight. I will also, at that point, have an 8yo, 6.5yo and an infant, so trying to go somewhere like a gym would be *very* difficult. I'm not sure where I'm going with my weight, but I *am* planning to try eating healthier. Rachel

Medical issues are not a fundamental cause for weight gain so they are not a poll choice, I have not forgotten them. In this thread I gave my view that a medical issue is no different than any other issue that tips a scale in the calorie balance. These scale tipping events are normal part of life and they happen to everyone but not everyone becomes obese. Half the population adjusts the calorie intake when the scale tipping events in life pop up. An active 20 year old person taking in 2600 calories gets in a car wreck and becomes wheel chair bound may adjust their caloric intake to 1800 per day. The problem is that some continue to eat like they are a 20 year old active person no matter how their life changes. When we get a morbidly obese patient in our med rehab they will often be placed on a 1200 cal diet. Our patients stay for between 1 week to 3 months because the hospital side of our facility is medical not just rehab. They complain about the diet for a few weeks and then get use to it. I have seen unbelievable achievements but it is because we are exercising control where there otherwise isn’t any.

 

[sweeticus]

There's no natural ( <staff edit> - even chemically induced) variance in people that would account for morbid obesity - all else being equal. Over a prolonged period of time - there's no condition that would make someone who consumes consistently 1800 calories per day (every day, week after week, month after month, year after year) be morbidly obese.

Just to interject, there actually are medical reasons for obesity. People with a thyroid condition do not metabolize their food properly and despite eating well and exercising, they can still gain weight. People with some forms of diabetes, and people with PCOS, often become weight-loss resistant, which can be extremely frustrating because they are doing all the "right" things and still not losing weight. People who take steroidal medications will often gain weight because the medicines make their appetite increase, and their choice is to feel hungry 24 hours a day or eat more.

I'm certainly not saying these conditions account for the majority of obesity, but they are valid medical/chemical/biological reasons for certain cases.

 

[jimtem]

And again, the problem is oversimplified. Much like saying the problem behind a child getting a gun and accidentally shooting their younger sibling is that guns fire deadly projectiles at a high rate of speed. At it's core, that's the science behind what happened, but there are many other factors at play.

What...... Your analogy falls apart when applied to our discussion. You imply that weight gain/retention is not a matter of self control and/or the need for caloric intake to balance with caloric expenditure and that this idea is over simplified. Your analogy implies that we should blame a bullet for murder. The problem with your analogy is that if it were to mean anything to our discussion it would have to involve a person accidentally overfeeding another and that negates personal responsibility at best. Lets keep the noise to information ratio tipped towards informative and discuss the subject carefully.

 

[DZoolander]

Just to interject, there actually are medical reasons for obesity. People with a thyroid condition do not metabolize their food properly and despite eating well and exercising, they can still gain weight. People with some forms of diabetes, and people with PCOS, often become weight-loss resistant, which can be extremely frustrating because they are doing all the "right" things and still not losing weight. People who take steroidal medications will often gain weight because the medicines make their appetite increase, and their choice is to feel hungry 24 hours a day or eat more.

I'm certainly not saying these conditions account for the majority of obesity, but they are valid medical/chemical/biological reasons for certain cases.

Weight gain relative to others - yes. But I would argue that there's no thyroid condition that would take 1800 calories per day - with a person that exercised properly - and turn them into a 300-400 lb person.

 

[Robinsegg]

Medical issues are not a fundamental cause for weight gain so they are not a poll choice, I have not forgotten them. In this thread I gave my view that a medical issue is no different than any other issue that tips a scale in the calorie balance. These scale tipping events are normal part of life and they happen to everyone but not everyone becomes obese. Half the population adjusts the calorie intake when the scale tipping events in life pop up. An active 20 year old person taking in 2600 calories gets in a car wreck and becomes wheel chair bound may adjust their caloric intake to 1800 per day. The problem is that some continue to eat like they are a 20 year old active person no matter how their life changes. When we get a morbidly obese patient in our med rehab they will often be placed on a 1200 cal diet. Our patients stay for between 1 week to 3 months because the hospital side of our facility is medical not just rehab. They complain about the diet for a few weeks and then get use to it. I have seen unbelievable achievements but it is because we are exercising control where there otherwise isn’t any.

I see your point here. In my situation (asthma keeping me from a more active lifestyle), would you see it profitable for a physician to refer the patient to a dietician when it is seen the patient is gaining weight after such a diagnosis? If this had happened for me, I would have been more informed on how much I could eat a day w/o gaining weight, and may have changed my diet at least to an extent.

Something else that could help in a situation where someone needs to change their diet is to "build in" some areas where they can have their favorite snacks, from time to time. If I know, for instance, that I will be able to have one child-sized shake per week (instead of another snack), it would be easier for me to keep to my diet. Part of the psychological issue is feeling *totally deprived* of ones' favorite things. The answer *can't* be to totally get rid of them, but to know when (and in what quantities) one may have them . . . and then follow it.

Rachel

 

[jimtem]

in my situation the weight is an issue that puts both DH and I in a difficult health spot. He's now overweight by 100 kilos, and is at risk for many health issues and already encountering 2 or 3 that need straight away attention and he's refusing to get it. In cases like that, what do you do?

Pay a doctor and a Psychologist to engage in an intervention with you, him and his loved ones.

"let's go to the gym together, I need to get fit.. and do not want to go by myself"

The gym is a level above and beyond his needs at this point. He has to reevaluated by his MD and then should start with calorie reduction and a walking regimen. You sound like a wonderful person but you have to be more forward with him and push the need. My heart goes out to you and your beloved husband. Please count on me/us for council.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Quote by Jimtim
“Do I understand correctly that you and your wife were not obese when you met and then 20 years after the wedding she became obese? Although 20 years is a lot longer than the 1 year in my situation can you tell me how you went from being a person who choose a non obese spouse and then became OK with having an obese spouse?”

Sdmsanjose answers
Yes I can. My wife and I started out with almost perfect weight and living in a 300 square foot apartment as I bounced around from one menial job to another and my wife took care of our first child. I got fired from a job and she never put me down only held me up. I finally got a good job and we had a second child and my wife went to work in order to help out; we were both in very good physical shape with very little fat. She did not like working and preferred to raise our children as a stay at home mom. However, she put in 27 years at that job. In the 1980s we had a third child. We were both in good shape and still had our weight under control. After 20 years our weight started getting out of control and then we lost most all of the fat by diet and exercise in the 1990s. Little by little the weight got back out of control and we have both been over weight for about 12 years.

To make along story short I will tell you that my wife and I have laughed together, cried together, we had children together, and basically faced this world by us supporting each other. I don’t know about you but when you fail or fall down most people kind of just fade away. My wife has stuck by me through thick and thin and not many people will do that. In addition, my wife has almost always had my best interest a heart and she has taken action to prove it.

Do I wish that she would loose weight so that she is more physically attractive to me? YOU BET!

Do I wish that she had a sexy body that would get me real excited? YOU BET

Does our weight interfere with our sex? YOU BET!

Have I tried to help her loose weight? YOU BET!

Have we lost weight in the past and felt better, had better sex, etc? YOU BET!

It boils down to this. We have not given up on getting our weight under control but until that time this is my situation. I am not going to let her failure or my failure in our weight control dictate the complete quality of our relationship. Because I have faced reality in my situation and that reality is that at this time my wife is overweight and there is nothing I can do about it. My desire is for her and I to do better with our weight but I am not going to jeopardize the love and the bond that we share because she is no longer physically attractive or a turn on sexually.

It would be hypocritical for me to let her weight cause me to be bitter when I know that I have failed and been accepted in spite of my own short comings. I know you are not a Christian but you asked me the questions so I am going to bring Christianity into it. I know that it is right for me to strive to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” Furthermore, I have been accepted even though I have failed and sinned and I thank God’s Son Jesus for that acceptance.

I will again tackle this weight problem in the future and my weight will get better but I am not going to trade a lifetime of love for my desire for physical attractiveness and exciting sex.

I know it is very hard on a man in his young years to not have a physically attractive woman that can light his fire sexually. If you are in your 20s or 30s then I had an advantage on you because my wife was a woman with a nice body (she is also good looking) in her 20s and 30s. However, if your wife is not successful in losing enough weight to satisfy you then you will be faced with either being unhappy (Bitter?) or accepting her and loving her the way she is. I wished there were better choices but that is reality.

I have chosen to concentrate on all my wife’s good points, remember how I have been accepted by God in spite of my failures, remember that sacrifice is part of love, and to accept her with her failings without bitterness or unhappiness. Mankind has free will choice and we can choose to do this. In my case my faith has helped me to make those choices. That is my answer to your question of:

“….tell me how you went from being a person who choose a non obese spouse and then became OK with having an obese spouse?”

 

[jimtem]

........................ I am big on nutrition and exercise and I understand your post. For most people who do not exercise, it really comes down to desire. We just don't feel like it. We work all day and we are tired. Or we are genetically predisposed for a life of obesity and figure exercise would be pointless. While exercise can be rewarding in many facets of our lives, it is still strenuous, difficult, and sometimes discouraging and because of this I believe most people do not consistently exercise. It takes a lot of self-control and self-discipline to accomplish consistent exercise and eating well and most people struggle with these areas...I know I do. For the most part, our weight is within our control and our attitude toward exercise really determines the amount that we put into it.

You are 100% right. Getting a little exercise daily is difficult. We are all so busy. Its not easy to make time for the things that are not important to us. To these people I say just do 20 minutes of calisthenics in the living room while watching your favorite show. And take off out your front door for a walk every time the weather will allow.
Now, taking in only the calories you need and skipping the one you don’t is the kicker! This is where the majority of the improvement will come from. There are 2 rules for this one:
1) Only eat when you are hungry.
2) Never become full.

 

[jimtem]

Pregnancy and breastfeeding affect a woman's weight substantially and many men gain weight with their wive's pregnancy. Children eat often and one can find themselves picking more on food (which is always a recipe for disaster with one's weight because one who picks and picks doesn't ever feel full and tends to eat more that way). Parents may not be comfortable with leaving their newborn in the gym childcare room, which translates to not being able to get the required time to work out in order to lose the added weight. Medical conditions certainly play a part in influencing weight gain. That's self-explanatory. Metabolisms do slow down as one ages and this does influence a person's weight gain.

You are right, those are all very common factors that influence body composition.

It's more common in my experiences to see both partners with some added weight gain after 10 years of marriage than your scenario.

It does seem like many couples equally and at the same time. They seem to feel allowed by their partners results to become just as unhealthy as their partner.

So, are you unhappy with your spouse's appearance or are you concerned for her health?

Yes personally I am but I did not start this thread to be a case study into my life. The goal of this thread is not interested in a case study concerning something I already know about. What I wanted is empirical information on the perception of the issue, hence the poll and also a brief explanation of others positions. I know all about my situation. What I want is to know about others.

I assume you are physically healthy and not just "thin" because thin =/= health. Ain't nuthin' worse than some skinny person who is unhealthy judging someone who is overweight

Yes I am very healthy. NS, ND, NDU, B/P 120/70, body comp 12%, No stress, no chronic illness,,,, I’m very lucky.

 

[jimtem]

So, how is your life ordered as far as making exercise a part of everyday? It's quite one thing to go to a club, but it's something very different to order one's life so it happens. For instance, is your house where you and your wife can walk to the stores close by and get things or are you where the response is to jump in a car and drive? Does she enjoy gardening? That can add a lot of work to the day. Those sorts of things. Is walking and physical labor a natural part of how life is set up or is it where everything is with minimal labor except if you go to a health club, is exercise built in or is it something separate? Marv

Being a trainer and nutrition coach in my earlier years my lifestyle does conform to my awareness of those needs. There is only healthy food in the house, we can take off for a walk anytime. We have excellent exercise routines that I made up that we can launch into anytime as a family or individually right in the living room. We have a workout room with several cardio machines, resistance equipment on other activities all right in front of an online TV viewer. I often ask my wife to join me and she does. She is also a health food nut. Thanks for the consideration,,,,, but…… what I am curious about is what people feel the common, “deep-down-basic” reasons are for weight gain and retention with young recently healthy couples. So please vote if you haven’t already.
I would also like to discuss how a married person can get the other motivated to be healthier since it is such a touchy subject between couples.

 

[jimtem]

I would like to point out that just because one spouse may be "thin" it doesn't mean they are healthy. I am highly concerned about my DH's health and I weigh more than he does. He does almost no physical activity, eats junk food at work on a regular basis and occasionally drinks a bit too much. Just because someone appears healthy doesn't mean they are. I think that both spouses should encourage each other to be as healthy as they can be. Even if that means encouraging them to drop a few pounds, eat a healthier diet, get more exercise, or even gain a few pounds.

You are exactly right! Like our other poster pointed out, thin does not equal healthy. Sounds like he is headed towards CAD (heart disease), CA (cancer), and reduced liver function.
That’s another tricky one. How does a spouse approach this need to motivate their loved one to become more healthy? Subtle pushes have subtle results and bigger pushes produce the other to feel rejected.

 

[jimtem]

Perhaps because for some folks there is NO fun in exercise, solely for exercise's sake. It might not be such an issue if the couple were active together in ways that are not normally thought of as exercise - but nonetheless are. Evening walks in the neighborhood, playing tag in the yard, dancing like fools to disco music, pillow fights and wild romps through the house, etc. I would rather shoot a nail through my foot than go to the gym or go jogging. But make it a fun event (that just happens to move the body and raise the heart rate) and I'm there. Summation: the problem is you get old and stop playing like a kid. That affects a lot more than weight within a marriage, imo.

Well said. That is extremely important. I suffer from this issue also. I jog 3 miles 5 times a week and it’s not terribly fun. I would much rather put out the same effort swimming laps but I don’t want to spend the extra money and time to get to the gym.
I like how you put the fact that we do what we want, we do what we like and most often we do what is easy!
The problem is that we do not want a knee replacement. We do not like to sit on the bench while other parents play with their kids and it is not easy to feel distanced from your spouse, insecure about your physical appearance and sluggish threw life.

 

[jimtem]

Odds are - if you were young and single again - and someone presented a stranger in front of you with an equal amount of weight gain that your spouse has incurred over those years - you never would have looked at them as a potential mate. They would have instantly fallen into "friend" category - at best. Odds are - you wouldn't even have followed your own advice - which makes it hollow and hypocritical at best.

I believe this is a very good point. A couple meet, fall in love, get married and then 1 year after the I do’s one of them quickly becomes someone that the other would have never wanted to be with. And then the alienation, resentment, bitterness, disappointment, ect invades.

I don’t think that being “happy with it” is going to happen. What I suggested is accepting it. You can accept some things and not be happy about it because the acceptance prevents bitterness.

…………………………..


You or someone else maybe able to get your wife started in the right direction and I would encourage you to look into those possibilities. If nothing works I was giving you an alternative to being bitter or resentful. That is why I said
“…but if that does not work or is not possible then accepting them and loving them without resentment takes precedence.”

Thanks. I get what you are saying. I misspoke. I didn’t really mean “happy with it”. I mean other than coming to accept it over a period of 20 years. How does one accept it after only 7 years so as to prevent feeling extremely negative? I realize this question may be asking to much.

 

[jimtem]

Weight gain relative to others - yes. But I would argue that there's no thyroid condition that would take 1800 calories per day - with a person that exercised properly - and turn them into a 300-400 lb person.

Exactly right. Many do have more chips stacked against them. One person may be asthmatic, have a bad back, take medications that make them hungry and tired. That person is going to have to work harder than someone with fewer obstacles. They would have to exercise a greater amount of self control but still, like you implied, if they take in 1600 calories a day (which is low but it is still a fine amount), they burn 500 on metabolic processes and 1100 on ADLs, (activities of daily living), which it totally normal, they are not going to magically get heavy. The medical issues are not the cause. They are only the obstacles. The calories are the cause.
The problem is that there are 200 calories is a can of soda, 900 calories for lunch at KFC, 500 calories for the home cooked dinner, 200 calories for a little bit of seconds after dinner, 200 calories for a bit of desert and a few hundred for the in between snack one has during the day. That totals about 2200 calories for someone that burns an average of 1600 calories a day. This is also one of the reasons why the 200 calorie expenditure for the after dinner walk around the neighborhood doesn’t do much good.
It is extremely easy to take in the calories and extremely hard to burn them off. The workout is essential because the diet is telling the body that we are about to get smaller and the work out tells the body to burn the fat and not the muscle. For obesity control the workout is not to induce fat loss. It is to retain muscle while the diet induces fat loss.

 

[LoisGriffin]

I cant do heavy exercise due to my health problems. When I started doing running its when my heart problems came to light.

Its pretty tough to lose even 1 pound yet putting on 3 in a week is very simple even without pigging out too much.

I am now in my healthy zone but I wasn't when I when I married my husband. He still loves me exactly the same.

I tried to walk at least an hour a day every day no matter what and my weightloss stopped. I since took a more sensible approach and have made one day a week rest day (or more if I feel tired) and the weight is falling back off (diet was kept low fat at all times).

Don't underestimate health issues. My friend had a major operation a few month ago. In recovery she lost so much weight she looked terrible and fragile. Now in recovering she has gained weight (she did need to gain some though). She just got permission to lose the weight and get healthy but its hard when she is pretty low on energy. She eats properly because she has too (the serious operation was to do with her digestive system).

 

[heart of peace]

Yes personally I am but I did not start this thread to be a case study into my life. The goal of this thread is not interested in a case study concerning something I already know about. What I wanted is empirical information on the perception of the issue, hence the poll and also a brief explanation of others positions. I know all about my situation. What I want is to know about others.

Yes I am very healthy. NS, ND, NDU, B/P 120/70, body comp 12%, No stress, no chronic illness,,,, I’m very lucky.

I do not want to perform a case study of your life and I am unclear how you arrived at the conclusion because I was trying to understand your thread better. I asked if you are unhappy with her or concerned for her, which is a valid question to ask, your disapproval does not make it any less valid.

Your response to me leads me to think that there are different issues at play here than your wife merely gaining weight. Perhaps you should turn the mirror inward and ask God to show you how you can improve yourself .... ya know... some good ol' fashioned take the speck out of your own eye before you take it out of another.

And fyi jimtem, I did respond to your thread, 90% my initial post was a response to your questions. I do have an additional reason to add to why people get fat:

When a person is married to an over controlling, rigid spouse, the person may feel they have no control over anything and may find (1) solace in the food or (2) some sort of semblance of control in their life that they have lost to their spouse who is too militant in their handling of life.

Cheers to your health!

 

[jimtem]

I do not want to perform a case study of your life and I am unclear how you arrived at the conclusion because I was trying to understand your thread better. I asked if you are unhappy with her or concerned for her, which is a valid question to ask, your disapproval does not make it any less valid. Your response to me leads me to think that there are different issues at play here than your wife merely gaining weight. Perhaps you should turn the mirror inward and ask God to show you how you can improve yourself .... ya know... some good ol' fashioned take the speck out of your own eye before you take it out of another. And fyi jimtem, I did respond to your thread, 90&#37; my initial post was a response to your questions. I do have an additional reason to add to why people get fat: When a person is married to an over controlling, rigid spouse, the person may feel they have no control over anything and may find (1) solace in the food or (2) some sort of semblance of control in their life that they have lost to their spouse who is too militant in their handling of life. Cheers to your health!

I did not mean to sound badly. So far many in this thread have asked questions concerning my wife&#8217;s diet and exercise. It sounds like many are offering help and I feel badly because I don&#8217;t want others to waste their time on me on the issue.
It is very kind but And I do need council concerning the idea of accepting someone if they continue to be other than what they were. To answer your question in a way I am unhappy with her appearance and if this gets worse and goes long term then I also will worry about her health. She is beautiful to me and we have a wonderful relationship but there are several things that are becoming very uncomfortable. I hate to talk about it because I am worried that she will find this thread someday and be terribly upset. I need to adjust how I feel so that we can get back to the closeness that we use to have. The uncomfortable issues and the distance those issues create are beginning to cause problems. I am absolutely not controlling. I replied to another poster who decided that I must be some horrible controlling person for saying that I wasn&#8217;t as attracted to my wife as I use to be. I let them know that I am extremely supportive in everything that she does. I never tell her what to wear or who to be friends with. I work out routinely and ask her to join me only if the situation is just right because I worry that if I ask her to join me to often that she might get the idea that I am unhappy with her appearance and I would hate to ever upset her like that. I never try to control her freedom. She is a good person, NS, ND, conservative and she can just take off with her friends any night and I stay home and watch the kids with no questions asked. She travels for business often and when she is out of town she sometimes goes out with the guys from the office. I never question her about it because I am not the jealous type and she is such a good person. We are always extremely pleasant to each other and almost never fight. We have had only a few loud arguments in our 8 years together. I have a lot of respect for her and tell her routinely that she is wonderful, brilliant and feels like heaven when close to me. She controls most of the direction in our family in part because she often has a preference and I am very easy going aside from the fact that she just plain makes good decisions. Don&#8217;t get me wrong we are a team and were doing a great job. I feel horribly guilty for talking behind her back&#8230;. but I tell you what, I have gotten up every morning at 4am so that I could read and write in this thread before work and I feel better this week than I have in the last year. I feel like I should be honest at this point now. I am a very sensory based person. When I walk in the room I am driven to go straight to her, hug her, kiss her,,,,, If we are out together I have to be holding her hand. If we are sitting near one another I need to be against her,,, ya know? Now when she gets home I feel awkward like there is a physical distance between us. Sometimes she&#8217;ll wear a flattering outfit and I&#8217;ll feel physically driven to be close to her and sometimes she&#8217;ll wear a very unflattering outfit and I feel uncomfortable and awkward. I have never thought of myself as shallow and I fell petty when this happens and the hard part is that I can&#8217;t snap my fingers and be different about this even though I want to. So that&#8217;s the whole story. I don&#8217;t want to talk about her behind her back, we have a wonderful relationship, I can&#8217;t tell her that I am not as attracted to her as I use to be, I am awkward and uncomfortable when she is around because I am usually a very touchy feely person and I started this thread hoping to get a feel for the common perception of this type of issue.

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

I feel like I should be honest at this point now. I am a very sensory based person. When I walk in the room I am driven to go straight to her, hug her, kiss her,,,,, If we are out together I have to be holding her hand. If we are sitting near one another I need to be against her,,, ya know? Now when she gets home I feel awkward like there is a physical distance between us. Sometimes she’ll wear a flattering outfit and I’ll feel physically driven to be close to her and sometimes she’ll wear a very unflattering outfit and I feel uncomfortable and awkward. I have never thought of myself as shallow and I fell petty when this happens and the hard part is that I can’t snap my fingers and be different about this even though I want to. So that’s the whole story. I don’t want to talk about her behind her back, we have a wonderful relationship, I can’t tell her that I am not as attracted to her as I use to be, I am awkward and uncomfortable when she is around because I am usually a very touchy feely person and I started this thread hoping to get a feel for the common perception of this type of issue.

If indeed the ONLY issue that is contributing to you not feeling as attracted to your wife is her weight, then YOU are being dreadfully unfair to her by not sharing that. You say that you don't want to upset her or hurt her feelings; however, do you not think she has noticed a difference in your level of "touch feely"?

IMO, you need to talk to your wife about this - just be very clear that your FEELINGS for her have not altered, it is just a matter of the physical. It's not a secret I would want my husband to keep - much as if I had cut my hair to a length he found unappealing, I would expect that he would lovingly tell me he preferred it in another style.

 

[heart of peace]

Wow, jim, the open honesty is very refreshing especially on the internet. That is the best way to get the advice or information you are seeking, in my experiences. I agree with flibber - you have to be honest with her like this. It sounds like physical attractiveness is one of your emotional needs in your marriage - this is a valid need and it doesn't make you superficial or shallow. Have you ever heard of His Needs, Her Needs? It's a Christian based book but it is really great book in discussing different types of emotional needs in marriage and learning to fill each other's love banks. What I would consider to be shallow is to use a spouse's weight gain as grounds for separation/divorce and not just the legal varieties but also the unspoken emotional separation/divorce that many spouse's engage in when their spouse is not measuring up to their standards of what their spouse should/should not be.

Getting back to your situatin in relation to this post....when I said turn the mirror inward, consider if there are other areas in which you are not the same when you first married. Sure, you may not have gained weight but have you changed drastically in some other way? Initially I read this post as a way for you to justify your disdain for your wife's weight gain. What she may need is some compassion, love and sense of security. I have found in my own life, I tend to gain weight when I am insecure or feeling unsafe about a situation (and not just in regards to physical safety). The weight provides a sort of protection to me during those times, it's difficult to describe but think about a person who seeks comfort in foods - they are upset about something and turn to food to comfort them (i.e. to protect them). Maybe your wife may not feel secure with you - maybe she is picking up on your vibes about her appearance and it only perpetuates the weight issue. Compassion can go a long way especially within the marital relationship.