Why does one spouse get fat?

[sdmsanjose]

Quote by hadassahsukkot
“Unfortunately, in my situation the weight is an issue that puts both DH and I in a difficult health spot. He's now overweight by 100 kilos, and is at risk for many health issues and already encountering 2 or 3 that need straight away attention and he's refusing to get it. In cases like that, what do you do?”

I really feel for you and your husband.
When I was constructing my post I was not thinking of a situation like yours. I was concentrating on the original post which did not have such a serious health problem involved. I am 50 pounds overweight and I do have sleep apnea as diagnosed by the doctor and the tests. I will have to face your husband’s situation either now or later.

It is obvious that you love your husband and have diligently tried to help him. I have heard it said in the past and on this forum that in these type cases that the change cannot come from someone else. As a matter of fact on this thread Blue Impulse said:

“That's a big one.. changing (losing weight, for instance) for anyone but yourself will never work.”

My guess is that blue Impulse is 99% correct.

You asked “In cases like that, what do you do?” I have been in a somewhat similar situation as you and this was my approach. I prayed to God for His intervention and guidance. I also told God that I am not sure if I am to just do nothing and wait for God or that I should try to do something. I decided that I would do everything that I could think of and that if I was doing something against God’s will, I prayed that God would stop me. I just could not sit still and watch a very serious situation occur with my loved one while I did nothing.

In my case everything that I did on my own did not help much and the help that occurred was only temporary. Later there was a situation that I believe that God was involved that also included me to take action. That did produce a much longer benefit for my loved one but because of my loved ones free-will he fell back into his problem.


After several months when I had exhausted myself and could do nothing more that is when my loved one made another effort to improve himself. As of this date he has almost eight months sober. This ordeal has been ongoing not a few months but several years. No matter the long term outcome of my loved one I have concluded that I plan on honoring God for the rest of my life. If I do not do that then it means that I have lost my way.

That is my story on this kind of issue. I would love to give you a direct answer that I know would work but every situation is different. In my way of thinking I would not hesitate to exhaust every avenue that I could think of to try and help my loved one. I believe there is a time for you to act and a time for you to let go and let God. I just never seem to know when to do each. I am the type of personality that I feel like I have to do something. I am glad that God understands me and puts up with me.

I am no faith giant I just try to hold on to my small mustard seed of faith. I reminded myself and God often of His words in Hebrews 4:16

I don’t know if my situation relates to yours at all but my final thought is that God will not take away mankind’s free but sometimes consequences will help turn mankind’s will in the right direction. With prayer and faith God will protect and lean your loved one in the direction of getting better.

May God’s mercy and grace be with you and your husband

Stan

 

[jimtem]

None of the pathetic poll choices.

My DH is nowhere close to being fat, but he has put on 20 lbs since we got married 8+ years ago. Basically, he doesn't exercise like he used to and he travels a lot for his job which means a lot of eating out.

So basically it's not my fault but his fault as he's gaining weight for the same reason that 99% of the population gains weight - he eats more than he burns (exercises) off. I'm an exercise freak so I try to get him to exercise with me as much as he can but until he gets more dedicated, he's not going to lose weight and he knows that.

Hello and thanks for your response.

You listed the direct influences for your husbands weight gain but we are not talking about direct influences. Direct influences are obvious: a fellow develops an affinity for beer and hence begins to regularly take in more calories, a person leaves and active job for a sedentary job or for example a doctor adjusts your meds and you suddenly feel generally unmotivated. A person may go from cooking for 1 to cooking for 4, they may move from a city where sidewalks are the preferred mode of transportation or a person may develop a disability than stops their exercise routine. But these changes do not cause obesity. The difference here is more fundamental than the direct influence. Everyone in the world has these types of changes in their life but what matters is how a person reacts to the changes.

Your husband is not gaining weight because he is eating out and avoiding the work out. He could choose to eat smaller meals no matter where he is and it takes a half hour to jog off a pastry. Working out is good for you but it is never the culprit. It is amazingly easy to take in calories and extremely hard to burn them off so when looking at the effectiveness of the 2 in regards to weight control cutting calories is key.

You said, “None of the pathetic poll choices”, are the cause of his 20 pound weight retention. But you did not give an alternate fundamental reason. “He eats out a lot”, is not a source reason. As mentioned before that is a direct influence to the weight gain which would have to relate to a deeper issue. It may be upsetting but the deeper issue is probably one of the 4 I listed in the poll.

 

[DZoolander]

Hello and thanks for your response.

You listed the direct influences for your husbands weight gain but we are not talking about direct influences. Direct influences are obvious: a fellow develops an affinity for beer and hence begins to regularly take in more calories, a person leaves and active job for a sedentary job or for example a doctor adjusts your meds and you suddenly feel generally unmotivated. A person may go from cooking for 1 to cooking for 4, they may move from a city where sidewalks are the preferred mode of transportation or a person may develop a disability than stops their exercise routine. But these changes do not cause obesity. The difference here is more fundamental than the direct influence. Everyone in the world has these types of changes in their life but what matters is how a person reacts to the changes.

Your husband is not gaining weight because he is eating out and avoiding the work out. He could choose to eat smaller meals no matter where he is and it takes a half hour to jog off a pastry. Working out is good for you but it is never the culprit. It is amazingly easy to take in calories and extremely hard to burn them off so when looking at the effectiveness of the 2 in regards to weight control cutting calories is key.

You said, “None of the pathetic poll choices”, are the cause of his 20 pound weight retention. But you did not give an alternate fundamental reason. “He eats out a lot”, is not a source reason. As mentioned before that is a direct influence to the weight gain which would have to relate to a deeper issue. It may be upsetting but the deeper issue is probably one of the 4 I listed in the poll.

I agree. "He eats out alot" is not a good reason. Last I checked, McDonalds offers apples and grilled chicken sandwiches. It's not the eating out that matters - it's the choices that we make when we do eat out. We're not mindless automatons forced by circumstance to eat whatever mega-calorie slop is handed to us...although that's what people constantly seem to infer.

My feeling - as I've said before - is that weight gain can be completely accidental. I can totally see how someone might over the course of time - and without thinking what they were doing - gain a decent amount of weight.

Weight *loss* is another issue altogether.

In my humble opinion - the reason people don't *lose* weight is exemplified by this post. It's more social than anything else. The overwhelming idea put forth to fat people is that they shouldn't need to lose weight. Heck - out of 23 messages so far in this thread so far - there's the OP (who only suggests people ought to lose weight and says that they are empowered to do something about it) - me (who hasn't really taken a firm stand until now) - and pretty much everyone else towing the party line of "weight shouldn't matter".

Guess what - that's what pretty much everyone says! 95% of the people you talk to running around out there follow the same basic pattern. MOST people running around out there tell fat people that "it's someone else's problem" - and that "you should be loved the way you are". MOST people run around telling fat people they don't need to lose weight. Those that suggest they should (even in the most minor of ways) are almost universally lambasted as being shallow jerks.

I contend that we make it very confusing for fat people.

We ignore that people almost universally treat fat people like crap (and understand - by "like crap" I don't mean that we're just flat out jerks to them. It's more insidious than that. We treat them in such a way that trains them to accept less than anyone else would find acceptable - while at the same time telling them that they ought to be treated no differently than anyone else.

We take the only things that really matter - i.e., how the fat person feels - and tell them that those feelings are wrong. But then we suggest they "ought" to do it "eventually" for "health reasons".. "Health" is meaningless to a person that doesn't have it. Healthy enough to do what? Run a marathon? Most fat people have no desire to do that. If a fat person gets winded walking up the stairs - all they have to do is take an elevator - and suddenly they feel "healthy" again.

The whole "everyone should accept" stuff is nonsense too. "Acceptance" has many meaningings - and is very much based on circumstance.

If you're 60 years old - and your partner is fat - the fact you haven't left doesn't really mean a lot. Of course you haven't - nor should you. You're already with that person - and you've already established something with meaning with them. Your circumstance is far different than those that are single - and significantly younger. You're mixing apples with oranges when you give advice along the lines of "people need to look beyond weight. I have."

Odds are - if you were young and single again - and someone presented a stranger in front of you with an equal amount of weight gain that your spouse has incurred over those years - you never would have looked at them as a potential mate. They would have instantly fallen into "friend" category - at best. Odds are - you wouldn't even have followed your own advice - which makes it hollow and hypocritical at best.

That's the kind of stuff that fat people truly face - yet people aren't honest about it. They aren't even honest about how they feel. In such - they actually are doing fat people a dis-service (in my humble opinion). They're representing the world in such a way that's not true - only confusing the fat person - and removing the only true motivating factor that exists for them to actually lose weight (the emotional reasons).

Just my .02 - lol

 

[Everlasting33]

OP,

While we may be oversimplifying this problem, some of its pretty simple: eat healthy and exercise and you will generally lose weight and be healthy.

My fiance and I are both very physically fit. Moderate exercise is important for both of us to remain healthy and happy. We are more physically attracted to each other because of it and our bodies are stronger and hardier.

Going into marriage, we have this advantage since exercise is a top priority for us and we are less likely to slack in later years.

I am big on nutrition and exercise and I understand your post. For most people who do not exercise, it really comes down to desire. We just don't feel like it. We work all day and we are tired. Or we are genetically predisposed for a life of obesity and figure exercise would be pointless.

While exercise can be rewarding in many facets of our lives, it is still strenuous, difficult, and sometimes discouraging and because of this I believe most people do not consistently exercise. It takes a lot of self-control and self-discipline to accomplish consistent exercise and eating well and most people struggle with these areas...I know I do.

For the most part, our weight is within our control and our attitude toward exercise really determines the amount that we put into it.

 

[heart of peace]

Pregnancy and breastfeeding affect a woman's weight substantially and many men gain weight with their wive's pregnancy. Children eat often and one can find themselves picking more on food (which is always a recipe for disaster with one's weight because one who picks and picks doesn't ever feel full and tends to eat more that way). Parents may not be comfortable with leaving their newborn in the gym childcare room, which translates to not being able to get the required time to work out in order to lose the added weight.

Medical conditions certainly play a part in influencing weight gain. That's self-explanatory.

Metabolisms do slow down as one ages and this does influence a person's weight gain.

It's more common in my experiences to see both partners with some added weight gain after 10 years of marriage than your scenario.


So, are you unhappy with your spouse's appearance or are you concerned for her health? I assume you are physically healthy and not just "thin" because thin =/= health. Ain't nuthin' worse than some skinny person who is unhealthy judging someone who is overweight

 

[DZoolander]

IMHO - that's another thing that people need to clarify.

"Gain weight" is such a nebulous term. I, also, believe that as people age - they will gain weight. However - there have to be distinctions drawn between someone that's gained 10 lbs over the past couple of years (which would be a natural thing to happen due to metabolic slowdown/getting older) - and someone that gains 100 lbs.

I think that we - far too often - have a tendency to lump people together that have no business being lumped together. For example - you'll see on talk shows an anorexic sitting next to a morbidly obese person - both bemoaning the "unfair expectations of society". The truth is - they have nothing in common - and it's shameful that they're allowed to commiserate together.

The truth is - nobody holds a reasonable amount of weight gain against anyone. I know plenty of guys - and not a single one of them has any expectation of anything other than "don't be obese". Most likely - if you're 10-20lbs away from "ideal" - nobody's holding it against you. Most likely - nobody is aware that you're upset that you don't fit into your skinny jeans. They probably don't fit into theirs either.

Where people run into problems is when we're talking about getting obese. That's an entirely different animal. Ya know?

 

[Hadassah]

thanks Stan and Ezoolander

 

[jimtem]

Personally, I feel one (or both) spouses in a marriage gain weight because they feel they have found a comfortable life with someone who accepts them for whom they are

“Accepts them for who they are” is an overused, flawed, blanket statement.

It is not possible to accept someone for who they are because a person is not able to truly know another person. It is possible to know with fair certainty –things about a person but there is a logic error to say that you accept someone for who they are. Here is why:

1) It is difficult to express yourself as you truly are based on your interpretation of yourself, your skill with expression and the situational circumstances.
2) It is extremely difficult to interpret another’s expressions of behavior because we all have our own positions in behavior in which the expression reflects from. In other words our sounding boards bounce other expressions differently.
3) The frequency and variation of expression can never be adequate. It is poor at best. In other words it takes a lifetime of every situation that is possible for expression and interpretation to convey the understanding that would allow a person to say that they actually know someone.

We spend our whole lives just trying to know ourselves. Don’t fool yourself into believing that you are able to know someone. The best to hope for on your 50th wedding anniversary is a mildly comprehensive understanding of that person.

Now let’s talk about what the phrase, “accepts them for who they are”, implies.

When 2 people are young and fit when they get married, they are implying to one another that they care about their health and are committed to supporting to a degree a health centric mental and physical relationship. They feel that they know that about one another. Then 5 years into the relationship one spouse gains 25 to 50 pounds causing: adult onset diabetes, increased risk for heart disease, joint problems, back problems, emotional insecurities that disrupt their relationship, one spouse avoids all the family activities such as swimming, trekking threw a theme park, playing sports with the kids, sex,,,,.

So in the blink of an eye the person they thought they knew something about became someone else. Now how do you accept someone for who they are? Did you not know them before? Do you know them differently now? No, you do not know them. All you know is something about them which in this case is that they are doing destructive things.

changing (losing weight, for instance) for anyone but yourself will never work. Ever. You will almost always go back to the way you were. And the one and only way most people can change for themselves, is if they know they are accepted by others already; or at least by those closest to them.

Being accepted by others does not allow a person to commit to a healthy lifestyle. No unhealthy person says, “No one cared that I was obese and that gave me the drive to become healthy”. The closest sense I can make of that is that a person has an easier time committing to a healthy life style if they are supported by the ones around them. Such as, “The people close to me make me feel like a strong person and that empowered me toward self improvement”.

 

[jimtem]

Nope, you're perfectly right. People that complain about things like "metabolisms" don't quite understand what the word even really means. While there is some natural variance between people - it's not nearly as extreme as people make it out to be. Without considering true hypometabolic conditions (and before you say you suffer from it - you might want to look up what other symptoms accompany true hypometabolism - like mental retardation, short stature, etc) - the most extreme differences only vary like 5-10% - which would not account for obesity - all else being equal. The simple fact of the matter is that people eat too much and they move too little. One pound of fat = 3500 unused calories. If I take in (on average) 500 calories fewer than I expend per day - I will lose a pound of fat a week. So will you. If I consume 500 more than I expend a day - I will gain a pound a week. It's simple math. The problem that we have in this society is that weight - albeit frowned upon - is untouchable as a subject. We contradict ourselves - and fat people suffer as a result of it. We imply to fat people that they are going through something worthwhile...that somehow their fatness is a moral stand they are taking...which gives it meaning. Think about the nonsense we tell people. "Your looks should not matter" (i.e., don't change). "Only shallow people look at weight" (i.e., don't change). "You're beautiful as you are" (i.e., don't change). There are all of these things we tell people - not really for their benefit (but rather I'd argue simply for our benefit as the advice givers) - that leave them thinking that their obesity means something. Then they're left to just sort of figure out a way to make it okay by themselves.

You are right on every point.

It is strange that if a person lights up a cigarette they get glares from strangers around them. Then someone *lightly*, with a slight smile says, “Those things will kill you know”. But if an obese person fills their plate with food, goes back for seconds and then has desert, everyone looks away because they would not want to upset that person. We tiptoe around obesity so much that the responders to this thread seem to be biased and in denial. It is a weak excuse to say that someone has no control over their weight because they had a baby, their metabolism slowed down, their health condition causes a sedentary state, their medication causes lethargy or that they just became the person they were meant to be. As a trainer and nutrition coach I help people in denial get around these issues but with my own wife the subject is not approachable because I am afraid to upset her. I am just as guilty as everyone else. I avoid the difficult issue when it’s close to home.

 

[jimtem]

I think the OPer is trying to over-simplify a complicated problem. The factors that go into weight gain and loss are multi-faceted. If it were a simple matter of a forumla of taking in less than you put out, nobody would be overweight and we wouldn't be having this discussion.

They are not over-simplifying the issue. Weight gain comes 100% from taking in more calories than you burn. You are right the factors that contribute to a person taking in more calories than they burn are multifaceted. The math and biology facts are easy but the psychology is not and that is why we are having this discussion.

 

[jimtem]

I agree - however I'd say that the bulk of the hurdles that people face are psychological - rather than physical. Despite what people may believe - I'd argue that the overwhelming message fat people get from society is *not* to change.

Exactly right, thanks.

 

[jimtem]

Vis made an awesome point. I know for me, my weight gain is a combination of adjusting my eating style to his (more starches), a baby and the needs for extended nursing, and now finding myself pregnant again. DH on the other hand, has no excuse that I can find other than becoming more sedentary and eating more. I will be buckling down when I get home, and there will be limits on what is served at a meal and how much. For someone who is as sedentary as he is, at the weight he is, there is no requirement for two whole plates of food full of starches and red meat in large portions. He was at least 50 kilo less when we got married, and I am unsure what happened. We are not very active, but some of that has had to do with my recovery after the birth of our son, and the weather at the time + his unwillingness to even consider going to a gym together. I can understand the college 30-50, or the small gain and loss after the wife is pregnant... but we are talking dangerous levels of weight gain, and the family (mine and his) and I are very concerned for his health.

You are exactly right, there is no reason for 2 plates of food. I have preached for a decade to my clients that a meal should never take up more than 3 quarters of the dinner plate.

You can make numerous adjustments all around him but it will have only a small effect. The only way to bring about change is full open communication. But how will you do that without throwing a wrench into the relationship. I have an advantage in the club. When a couple comes to me they have already acknowledged the need for change and I get them results so they stay committed but how do you discuss this with your spouse without causing harm?

 

[jimtem]

Speaking for myself and probably most overweight people, being overweight is a very humbling experience. You care, are aware, you want your spouse to be physically attracted to you, and you know that you can do something about it. Failure in this area is very humbling and depressing. I wished that I could be as successful as you are in that area. In my case I have lost 30-40 pounds in the past only to regain it. I know that any excuse I make up is a lame excuse. I was not fat in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. However I did become overweight in my 50s and the reason that I have not lost weight is that I don’t want to make the sacrifice and my family and I enjoy eating and the other enjoyment that comes with it. Eating is when the family is together, going out to eat is fun and exciting, we relax and do not worry about much when we eat, and it is an activity that is not Anti-family or anti-God. Yes my excuse is lame but at least I am truthful. Considering taking some advice from an old man. The sooner you learn to overlook some things in life the happier you and your family will be. When someone as important as your spouse fails to do their best and there is nothing you can do about it, then just realize that you are going to have loved ones in your life that fail at some things without a good excuse. You job is to accept them without resentment and continue to love them. I know my advice is not acceptable to most young people but what alternative do you have to offer?

None….

do you accept people the way they are?

I am a considerate, kind, live and let live person I personally do not know how to flip a switch and decide that I will not feel a little mad, turned off and disappointed when I hug my wife. I love my wife but I am not very physically attracted to her anymore. and it is affecting our relationship. I just don’t know how to make myself feel differently about her weight. I have never been attracted to heavy people. I have never and would never date a heavy person. When my wife and I met our first 3 dates were at the gym. Our next few were hiking at the park and the next few were playing tennis. We haven’t been married long. How does a man and a woman, young, active, healthy become this single-sided young, inactive, unhealthy couple and accept it and do nothing about it and be happy with it. To everyone out there how do we do that? Should we do that?

 

[RobinRedbreast]

I am a considerate, kind, live and let live person I personally do not know how to flip a switch and decide that I will not feel a little mad, turned off and disappointed when I hug my wife. I love my wife but I am not very physically attracted to her anymore. and it is affecting our relationship. I just don’t know how to make myself feel differently about her weight. I have never been attracted to heavy people. I have never and would never date a heavy person. When my wife and I met our first 3 dates were at the gym. Our next few were hiking at the park and the next few were playing tennis. We haven’t been married long. How does a man and a woman, young, active, healthy become this single-sided young, inactive, unhealthy couple and accept it and do nothing about it and be happy with it. To everyone out there how do we do that? Should we do that?

I don't think you're "wrong" for not being attracted to heavy people. Everyone likes what they like.

That being said, gaining weight is common and it is something that a large portion of people are at risk for... anyone could gain weight in the right circumstances, we're all capable of it. Therefor, I consider it logically and mathematically always a risk.

Therefor, if you are so put off by heavy people, perhaps you should not have gotten married in the first place. *shrugs* Sometimes, some risks just aren't worth it for some people, and if a change in physical appearance does it in for you, you probably shouldn't have bothered. Everyone changes looks as they age, weight gain or not, change in appearance happens.

Too late for that though, we're here now... so the question is... what does your wife say to all this? I can only assume though you're talking to her about it and not hiding how you feel, so correct me if I'm wrong.

 

[jimtem]

I don't think you're "wrong" for not being attracted to heavy people. Everyone likes what they like.

That being said, gaining weight is common and it is something that a large portion of people are at risk for... anyone could gain weight in the right circumstances, we're all capable of it. Therefor, I consider it logically and mathematically always a risk.

Therefor, if you are so put off by heavy people, perhaps you should not have gotten married in the first place. *shrugs* Sometimes, some risks just aren't worth it for some people, and if a change in physical appearance does it in for you, you probably shouldn't have bothered. Everyone changes looks as they age, weight gain or not, change in appearance happens.

Too late for that though, we're here now... so the question is... what does your wife say to all this? I can only assume though you're talking to her about it and not hiding how you feel, so correct me if I'm wrong.

I am far from done in by it. I love my wife and weight would never amount to a deal breaker. Im not even sure if we have reached the point of needing to talk about it.

 

[BigNorsk]

So, how is your life ordered as far as making exercise a part of everyday?

It's quite one thing to go to a club, but it's something very different to order one's life so it happens.

For instance, is your house where you and your wife can walk to the stores close by and get things or are you where the response is to jump in a car and drive?

Does she enjoy gardening? That can add a lot of work to the day.

Those sorts of things.

Is walking and physical labor a natural part of how life is set up or is it where everything is with minimal labor except if you go to a health club, is exercise built in or is it something separate?

Marv

 

[whatisyourstory]

So boy and girl meet. They are young and active. They get married and then one of them begins to gain 5 to 10 pounds a year. Then 5 to 10 years after marriage one of them is still healthy, happy and good looking. The other is unhealthy, inactive and unattractive.

I would like to point out that just because one spouse may be "thin" it doesn't mean they are healthy. I am highly concerned about my DH's health and I weigh more than he does. He does almost no physical activity, eats junk food at work on a regular basis and occasionally drinks a bit too much. Just because someone appears healthy doesn't mean they are. I think that both spouses should encourage each other to be as healthy as they can be. Even if that means encouraging them to drop a few pounds, eat a healthier diet, get more exercise, or even gain a few pounds.

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

Perhaps because for some folks there is NO fun in exercise, solely for exercise's sake. It might not be such an issue if the couple were active together in ways that are not normally thought of as exercise - but nonetheless are. Evening walks in the neighborhood, playing tag in the yard, dancing like fools to disco music, pillow fights and wild romps through the house, etc.

I would rather shoot a nail through my foot than go to the gym or go jogging. But make it a fun event (that just happens to move the body and raise the heart rate) and I'm there.

Summation: the problem is you get old and stop playing like a kid. That affects a lot more than weight within a marriage, imo.

 

[DZoolander]

And again, the problem is oversimplified. Much like saying the problem behind a child getting a gun and accidentally shooting their younger sibling is that guns fire deadly projectiles at a high rate of speed. At it's core, that's the science behind what happened, but there are many other factors at play.

While that's true - I would argue that all else being equal - those types of differences account for what would be a normal variance within weight between people of the same age/sex/stature/etc. Obesity is another issue altogether.

There's no natural ( <staff edit> - even chemically induced) variance in people that would account for morbid obesity - all else being equal. Over a prolonged period of time - there's no condition that would make someone who consumes consistently 1800 calories per day (every day, week after week, month after month, year after year) be morbidly obese.

Maybe an extra 15-20 lbs over someone else - but certainly not the kind of stuff we see running around with people weighing 50-100+ lbs more than others of the same height/age/sex.

When you see someone morbidly obese - somewhere down the line - they ate consistently (significantly) more than the fit person - and they moved around significantly less.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Quote by EZloolander
Heck - out of 23 messages so far in this thread so far - there's the OP (who only suggests people ought to lose weight and says that they are empowered to do something about it) - me (who hasn't really taken a firm stand until now) - and pretty much everyone else towing the party line of "weight shouldn't matter".

I am one of the 23 messages and you are in error about pretty much everybody else towing the party line of “Weight Shouldn’t matter” Maybe you did not read my message carefully enough. I am reprinting some of my message below:

My point is that we should try and help others, especially our loved ones, to improve themselves when possible but if that does not work or is not possible then accepting them and loving them without resentment takes precedence.
Weight and physical attractiveness is important in a marriage but there are others things that are so much mort important and fulfilling.

Quote by EZloolander
If you're 60 years old - and your partner is fat - the fact you haven't left doesn't really mean a lot. Of course you haven't - nor should you. You're already with that person - and you've already established something with meaning with them. Your circumstance is far different than those that are single - and significantly younger. You're mixing apples with oranges when you give advice along the lines of "people need to look beyond weight. I have."

EZoolander
Did you did not read the OP message? He is NOT single he is married. I was responding to the OP who is married and not to single people. When you bring in the single category into a conversation about married people you are the one that is mixing apples with oranges.

Odds are - if you were young and single again - and someone presented a stranger in front of you with an equal amount of weight gain that your spouse has incurred over those years - you never would have looked at them as a potential mate. They would have instantly fallen into "friend" category - at best. Odds are - you wouldn't even have followed your own advice - which makes it hollow and hypocritical at best.

EZoolander
Cool down, breath, take it EZ EZoolander. If you are going to judge me as hollow and hypocritical please do not change the issue I was talking about.
Again, I was not talking about single people looking for a thin woman I was addressing married people that have a spouse that is overweight and trying to give an alternative in the event that the spouse will not loose the 30 pounds that she is overweight.

Quote by Jimtim
How does a man and a woman, young, active, healthy become this single-sided young, inactive, unhealthy couple and accept it and do nothing about it and be happy with it. To everyone out there how do we do that? Should we do that?

I don’t think that being “happy with it” is going to happen. What I suggested is accepting it. You can accept some things and not be happy about it because the acceptance prevents bitterness.

As I have stated in my previous post “My point is that we should try and help others, especially our loved ones, to improve themselves when possible..”
Perhaps talking to her, showing your loving concern for her, taking loving actions will help her get going in the direction of weight control. Some one mentioned the physiological factor; you would know better than I about your wife. Perhaps ask these ladies how a husband could help their wife get started.



You or someone else maybe able to get your wife started in the right direction and I would encourage you to look into those possibilities. If nothing works I was giving you an alternative to being bitter or resentful. That is why I said
“…but if that does not work or is not possible then accepting them and loving them without resentment takes precedence.”



It appears you are very honest about this issue and really love your wife but the weight thing is a real problem for you. I sure hope that your wife can get motivated somehow to lose weight because I think that will make your marriage better.

I want to commend you on making the statement
“I am far from done in by it. I love my wife and weight would never amount to a deal breaker.”

IMO that shows character!