What's on your mind?

[SarahsKnight]

I am on the forum much later tonight than I thought I would be. I will reply to this post tonight and reply the other posts tomorrow.

Sound advice. I many ways I had a good childhood, but it was certainly not without flaws. All I can say is, the way I was brought up in certain areas, is not how I would bring a kid up.

Self acknowledgment is a good thing. I do believe I have self ackowledgment. There are things about myself that took a long time for me to realize, but once I realized them, I also had an urge to do something about it. For example quitting porn, quitting spending money on material gains, comics being the big sinner.

Matthew 6:21
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Many times I read a comic, instead of reading the bible. But God has helped me. I am slowly getting rid of my comics. I pray to God to free me from my enthreallment I have for worldly possessions. the wheels are slowly turning, but they are turning in my favor. That is God's doing. I used to get a kick out of getting a comic for my shelf, now I am relieved when I get space on the shelf.

Self awareness, I believe I have self awereness , I am much more in tune with who I am today, than I was in the past. I do make mistakes, but I can also acknowledge it and I am aware enough to know when I am I out of bounds. I feel it, when I do soemthing that is beneath me and should lead with a better example.

"You don't want someone unconscientious. You want someone quick to forgive, apologize, and make amends. Someone who listens, hears you, and is other centered. You need to provide the same."

That's exactly what I want. I do need to provide the same and I want to. As I write this there is one thing that lingers in my mind. I get easily irritated and do raise my voice. It only lasts for a minute or two just as quick as I get mad I get good again, but I can say some mean things in a couple of minutes. That's one of the things I dislike about myself, because I do know better.

Proverbs 25:28
A man without self-control
is like a city broken into and left without walls.

This has a direct line to my childhood. As a kid if I didn't listen she would slam all the kitchen doors on the kitchen cupboard, because my mom knew I did not like loud noises. My mom is very easy to anger. She could let is fester and suddenly explode over something days after. I am not like that because I hated that as a kid I never knew when she was going to explode the next time.

I just get mad right here right now, buy why get mad at all. Espcially if I find a woman that exudes gentleness and kindness, it would rub off on me and would feel downright ashamed for raising my voice to a woman that only wishes the best for me. So that is something I need to kick now rather than later, because my future wife deserves better.

When it comes to my upbringing I'm I could come up with other examples that may stick out like a sore thumb. I am sure I will open up about it in time.

In my mom's defense she didn't have the best upbringing herself, so in many cases she probably didn't know any better. I know she loves me and even though she was a single mom with low to mediocre income she always managed to give me the same things as the other kids so I didn't wind up looking like the poor kid.

I just want to say, Vinter, that I have read through this and believe you to show great wisdom (and wisdom of self-awareness and thus desire for self-improvement, more specifically) in most of this post. I pray that God will grant you your desires for these things, to become stronger in the ways you realize that you have been weak. If it means anything, I also admire in particular how you wish to control your tendencies towards showing anger (which does not even seem to be near as great as many a people's problem with this whom I know, going by this post and what I remember from your past interactions on here) with particular regard to how it would hurt the future wife that you seem to be wishing for. Yes, especially she herself were a gentle creature who exudes the opposite traits of anger, then guys like you and myself - who wish for gentility ourselves - should be especially regretful if we were to ever make the grievous mistake of showing the slightest bit of harshness toward her, even so much as something like raising your voice at her, as you mentioned for example. It would be like kicking a puppy away who just wanted to sit in your lap. Who would we be as men - especially those who claim to believe in Jesus Christ - to ever do that?

It is admirable that you show this kind of regard for yourself and how it would affect others, especially those you love, if I may say so.

 

[bèlla]

I am on the forum much later tonight than I thought I would be. I will reply to this post tonight and reply the other posts tomorrow.

Lucky me!

Sound advice. I many ways I had a good childhood, but it was certainly not without flaws. All I can say is, the way I was brought up in certain areas, is not how I would bring a kid up.

No parent is perfect. We all make mistakes. It's important to review your upbringing and acknowledge the good and bad. You don't want to repeat the latter. Weigh it against the word and keep the good. Ask for healing, deliverance, and counsel for the unpleasant stuff so you make better choices and don't replicate poor behavior.

Transparency is a feather in your cap. Never set it aside. It will endear you to your companion and enable you to see yourself clearly. If you're wedded to a specific ideal or want the world to see you through a specific guise you're clueless. You're unable to grasp the other's perspective or recognize how you're impeding yourself.

Self acknowledgment is a good thing. I do believe I have self ackowledgment. There are things about myself that took a long time for me to realize, but once I realized them, I also had an urge to do something about it. For example quitting porn, quitting spending money on material gains, comics being the big sinner.

The most important word in that comment is action. Millions see the problem and never move. You're in the minority. Make a list while the topic is fresh. Tell your story so you can recount it later. You saw a problem and took action. That's leadership 101. When you're accustomed to cleaning up your mess you're ready to help others. You can't help anyone if you've never grabbed a broom.

Many times I read a comic, instead of reading the bible. But God has helped me. I am slowly getting rid of my comics. I pray to God to free me from my enthreallment I have for worldly possessions. the wheels are slowly turning, but they are turning in my favor. That is God's doing. I used to get a kick out of getting a comic for my shelf, now I am relieved when I get space on the shelf.

Celebrate the gains. God honors our effort. Don't be ashamed to acknowledge the difficulty and how you've grown. That allows the other to get real and unveil. That's what you want. Two naked souls standing eye to eye. You'll have it. The foundation is laid. I see it.

Self awareness, I believe I have self awereness , I am much more in tune with who I am today, than I was in the past. I do make mistakes, but I can also acknowledge it and I am aware enough to know when I am I out of bounds. I feel it, when I do soemthing that is beneath me and should lead with a better example.

Did you see what you wrote? You're not looking for validation or approval. Or holier than thou. Your behavior bears witness. That's good. Really good. Don't waste that on silly girls. Leave her for the pretenders. You need depth.

That's exactly what I want. I do need to provide the same and I want to. As I write this there is one thing that lingers in my mind. I get easily irritated and do raise my voice. It only lasts for a minute or two just as quick as I get mad I get good again, but I can say some mean things in a couple of minutes. That's one of the things I dislike about myself, because I do know better.

Remember the rules of engagement. Never start a fight you're not prepared to lose. Never make a threat or ultimatum you're not prepared to honor. That should restrain your lips. Count the cost always.

I advise you to reign that in for several reasons. Don't open the floor to get your feelings hurt. Women are masters at language. We know how to hit the bullseye emotionally. When the argument ends her words remain in your head. You can avoid that through silence. If you feel yourself getting angry take five. Go for a walk, drive, etc. Do not engage.

In my experience, men can dish it out. But they can't handle it in return. You're playing on her turf. Remember that. She's got a lot to work with. Masculinity, sexuality, finances, etc. Leave her alone. Wounds in those areas will devastate you.

As James Brown said: Static...don't start none there won't be none.

I just get mad right here right now, buy why get mad at all. Espcially if I find a woman that exudes gentleness and kindness, it would rub off on me and would feel downright ashamed for raising my voice to a woman that only wishes the best for me. So that is something I need to kick now rather than later, because my future wife deserves better.

I think that's wise. You'll expand your options. Submissive women are rare. Why should she choose a guy who yells at her when the alternative exists? I won't steer her towards that guy. I'll choose the one who treats her well and respects her.

 

[bèlla]

As I write this there is one thing that lingers in my mind. I get easily irritated and do raise my voice. It only lasts for a minute or two just as quick as I get mad I get good again, but I can say some mean things in a couple of minutes. That's one of the things I dislike about myself, because I do know better.

The most important aspect of warfare is knowing your opponent. When you're vetting someone you're observing them as a companion. Not an adversary. You don't know that side of them. If you did you wouldn't be in a relationship.

When you leave the place of love and strike out at your partner you're entering a battle. It may not be your intention to start a war. But you've attacked her. Defense is a natural response. You don't want to condition someone to defend themselves against you. The battle gets bloodier.

What began as a minor irritation may result in bigger consequences. Everyone fights differently. She may match the barbs, keep her cool, turn the other cheek, or withdraw. You've lost ground regardless. Since it's a habit it will happen again. But her response will change in time. No one turns the other cheek forever.

You're tearing down your house. You have to consider if it's worth your relationship. Why? Most divorces are initiated by women. You may not go there. But that doesn't mean she won't.

Most people aren't prepared to lose. They say unkind things, make threats, and give ultimatums with little thought of the consequences. Everything has a price. Tearing her down may not result in an argument. It could affect your intimacy or push her towards someone else who treats her kindly.

This is the number one quality I looked for in a companion. Self-control alleviates a lot of problems and unnecessary arguments. I've ended connections over its absence. People restrain themselves all the time. Why should I accept less in my relationships?

He bites his tongue for his boss and let loose on me? Not in this life. He esteems money more than his woman. That's backwards. Oftentimes that's the way it is. We say things to the ones we love we'd never utter to a stranger or someone less important. We don't hold back for them. That's wrong. They should compel our silence.

That comes back to love and respect. The greater your regard the better you behave. You'll overlook a lot and your judgment is balanced. You consider intention, circumstances, previous experiences, etc. in relation to what occurred. That's how grace comes in. But if you don't love and respect them, you won't give them the benefit of doubt. And you'll be less forgiving.

Pay attention to how you love and who you love. It reveals your relational health. If everyone you're close to is wounded, dysfunctional, and so on. That's all you can handle. That's why you look at their friends. Like attracts like.

Unbeknownst to most, your life and relationships are a testament to readiness. Everything you do today you'll do to her. You're setting yourself up for success or failure. Healthy connections are important. They teach how to nurture relationships. Tenure is important. It teaches you long suffering and how to stay the course. Wise friendships are important. They enable you to hear hard truths. And so on.

You survey your garden to see what you've planted. Where has your time gone. What have you invested in. You need more than the bible. Just because you read the book doesn't mean the book's in you. You have to put it in action. Doing that bears fruit. Otherwise its head knowledge.

As you continue to be a doer of the word you'll overcome your problem. You see the consequence in Proverbs. You don't want that. Stand against the behaviors naturally and spiritually and you'll defeat them.

And remember the laws of reaping and sowing. Forgiveness doesn't set it aside. The sowing manifests later on. You can offset the consequences through love. Pouring into your woman liberally will fill her love bank. The slights won't have the impact they would if it was empty.

This is a strategy to employ with self-awareness. Contemplating the risks, likely outcome, and spiritual consequences is a must. Then you see it in the proper light. Reverse engineer it and you have your stumbling blocks. Now you know what to pray against.

 

[Rigatoni]

Weekend plans are on my mind.


Yup, these things make us human. Expectations are a common source of stress, regardless of one's faith. the thing is, even when we get what we expect, the reality of those met expectations doesn't necessarily live up to what we hoped for. I get what you're saying, though. It's easy to find fault, or wish our circumstances were different, both looking inward and looking outward. One way around this is to find things to be thankful for regardless. There's no shortage of amazing things in this universe, regardless of its fallen state. Some of which might otherwise be overlooked, but are enough to last many lifetimes if we seek them out. Meanwhile, as you're appreciating the blessings, take steps to improve your situation.

When I really think about it, how has a relationship with Christ really benefited me? Especially when most of my experience has been incredibly frustrating.

I can at least say that I'm thankful for the hope of being saved from an eternity in Hell, and the promise of eternity in Heaven to enjoy eternal life. That alone is worth it all. I've also had a level of peace and contentedness over the years when suffering want and lack, and have seen revelations of the Holy Spirit's power.

 

[bèlla]

The Christian life is easier to bear when you make peace with the reality no one gets everything they want. Nor did God say you would.

He didn't say everyone would marry.
Or get healed.
Or have riches.
And so on.

Articulating something isn't good or is possible doesn't equal guaranteed. That's wishful thinking. God isn't a genie. Once upon a time we called women spinsters and old maids who never married. This isn't a new phenomenon. It's been happening all along.

People pray for things every day that never come to pass. Marriage is no different. It doesn't get a special exception. God doesn't want to give you a spouse more than He wants to heal someone, bless them financially, etc. It isn't more important.

Sometimes a lack of movement doesn't mean wait and see. It means no. Wanting something badly doesn't mean He put it on your heart. Holy burdens are accompanied with Holy Will. You can weather them and handle the ups and downs.

Desires of the flesh are not the same. It's weak and wanting and aches. If you're miserable that's your flesh talking. Not your spirit. If it's making you doubt or question that's your flesh. Spirit testifies to itself.

Laying your Isaac's down is the solution. The Holy One resurrects it. Not all of them. But the ones He raises He keeps. I've walked that out. He didn't redeem everything. But what He did is solid.

Christ's love for us is unconditional and we're meant to return the same. When a child's behavior is dependent on getting their way. The parent holds back. You expect compliance for who you are. Not what you do. Obedience isn't contingent upon reward. Nor is service. We're the created. Not the Creator.

 

[GodDoesListen55]

Wow, it's already been such an emotional weekend and I'm sure there is more where that came from... Rest In Peace, Cindy!

 

[Vinter]

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[bèlla]

Had a wonderful blessing today! A local company I purchased office chairs from earlier this year had a giveaway. They allowed you to pick one thing free of charge from a section of the showroom.

I found a nice ergonomic chair for sewing, mum found one for her office, and I grabbed 2 prints framed and signed. The salesperson who helped in the past worked with us today. He gave me the prints too. They loaded everything in the car and we didn’t spend a dime!

Mum treated me to lunch in Greektown and picked something up for Miss. And she made apple pie. We’ll have it tomorrow. I love days like this.

 

[bèlla]

@Vinter

No worries. You spell out the word for each section--> quote and /quote

 

[public hermit]

I just realized/learned that when bands put out live albums it is a common practice to touch them up, re-record the vocals, fix various missteps, etc. I have to be honest, that bothers me. Is it really live if it isn't all live? I'm torn. On the one hand, listening to live music is a different dynamic than listening to recorded music. There are elements to a live show that can't necessarily be captured by a recording, e.g. the exchange between musicians and the audience, the energy of the whole experience, whatever. So, perhaps fixing a recording of a live show is simply making it palatable to the experience of listening to a recording in a private setting. Add to that, when you're at a live show the band makes mistakes, but it's live and mistakes can go by and become lost in the moment. If the musicians are good, the mistakes usually go by unnoticed. When you're listening to a recording the mistakes are permanent, lol. So, I don't know. I don't like the idea of listening to a recording of a live show and it not be live; however, I get why bands would touch up a recording because...well, it's a recording. And , I guess it doesn't really matter because, apparently, it is so common no one else seems to think it's an issue. I think I am beginning to see a value in bootleg recordings of live shows that I had not considered, i.e. no touch up.

 

[Vinter]

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[bèlla]

Really! I'm lucky getting all this insight from you!

We're mutually blessed. You have a teachable spirit. That's inspiring.

True. There are alot of good things to say too. I will do that, I will ask for healing, deliverance, and counsel for the unpleasant stuff.

Excellent! She probably needs to do the same. You can help her and others move beyond the past.

I want someone I can talk with, someone that knows my heart and soul, someone that can not only stimulate my physically and also mentally and vice versa. Spiritually I think it would be great to share that part as well, it would be for the best, but I just don't know if I will wind up with an atheist.

You don't have to wind up with an atheist. You know the spiritual condition in Denmark. One of my bible teachers was from there. She came here for school and returned home when she finished. Anything is possible.

In your case, that may mean the person will be less mature. Ideally that isn't so. But the circumstances differ in Denmark. God can work through them. But you have to do your part. Openness, strengthening your prayer muscles, and patience are key.

Thank you so much. You're right, I do want depth. I have been holier than thou in the past though. I was very much like the Pharisee from Luke 18:9-14 feeling superior because I wasn't drinking or smoking, yet I failed in so many other ways, but I was oblivious to that.

I was more serious in the past. Being here changed that. I saw the downsides of that approach. It isn't conducive for the work He's called me to. I'm dealing with the lost. I need to be relatable. I developed a conviction for the same with my spouse. We're a team. A lot of ministry will happen at home, lunch/dinner dates, or at outings. Preachy would drive them away.

I know women excel at mind games. I don't like mind games, not being on the receiving end nor dealing it out. Alot of great advice.

It wasn't about mind games per se. But understanding the differences in the sexes and vulnerability. If someone criticizes your masculinity, earning potential, or sexual performance it will mess with your head. You won't forget that easily. In like fashion, untoward words may be forgotten by him but she recalls them. Women replay things in their head.

Establishing a no-fly zone is best. Lines you don't cross. Topics you don't discuss when you're upset. When things get heated someone must stand down or it explodes. It doesn't matter who does it. As long as it happens.

One of the best couples I've seen are unbelievers. They love one another, get along well, respect one another, and treat each other like royalty. He got a lady and submissive woman and she has a gentlemanly leader. They're one of the few I admire. That's what I want.

Have you written a book? I would read your book.

Thank you. Not yet. But I will. Several in fact. Style, decor, homemaking, and self-help stuff.

I can only imagine how much this would have been to my benefit in my younger days, then again, the bible was available to me and how much did i listen to that. For years spiritually I was like a cinder block hollow and unyielding, those days are over, I thank God for that, for keeping up with me for so long.

Maybe so. Maybe not. You're receptive now. Some of the things we're touching on I don't usually address. You're in a different headspace.

You aren't pointing fingers or blaming others for your singleness. You're taking responsibility for your circumstances and acknowledging where change is necessary. That avails you to different lessons.

 

[Vinter]

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[bèlla]

True, but it would be nice to be a breadwinner though. The main man, bringing home the bacon.

I hear ya. Let's talk about it. What are you willing to sacrifice to make it happen and be that person? And what's your number? How much do you need to make to live comfortably one income in Denmark?

Your DH probably also had advice from his parents, how to mange money properly. I didn't have that.

I don't know. He was born on the west coast. They moved to the south. The cost of living is lower. You can raise a family on one income much easier there than other places. In terms of money management, there may be a combination of parental influence and personal responsibility.

My mom did not have a steller economy, why would I take financial advice from someone who loaned money by the end of the month to make ends meet. I know my mom warned me to avoid the spiral she was in, but realy didn't care. I did get my act together and is dept free next year.

That's understandable given her choices. Thankfully, you turned it around. I'm not anti-debt. But I won't mortgage myself for material goods. Income producing opportunities are fair game.

Legacy, that's huge. Denial have never been easy for me, I always went for instant gratification. It's not until now, that I can see how many years I wasted. It's a good thing I didn't marry young, because I would have messed it up. Now I am in it for the long haul.

Being sick taught me the meaning of time. The value of using your moments wisely. When I was well I feared I'd lost too much time. My aunt gave me a word to hold onto and I read a book which reinforced the same. The Magic of Thinking Big helped me see my life in the right perspective. Then I was off and running.

I didn't have a desire to marry when I was younger. The burning need didn't exist for me or my daughter. DH wants to settle down and have a family. But he knows how to live. He isn't existing until she comes along and crying the blues. He's milking the moments.

Little to no attention, that's going to drag the fun out fast. Little to no sex, yikes! Arguments aplenty. I want to avoid that.

Haven't you read the marriage board and forums? That isn't Harlequin. The same things people complain about here I heard at church. Sometimes worse due to anonymity. I'd rather be alone than in a living hell.

I want to give a woman the attention she deserves, If I find the love of my life. I married her for a reason and that was companionship, someone to share my life with. Sex that is essential, nuff said. arguments, life is too short for that. I want a woman I can reason with, someone that wants to talk about problems if they exists or better yet talk about things before it becomes a problem.

That's the mindset that helps you narrow the field. You remove the headcases, desperados, and faux believers. Anyone who wants something badly is willing to prepare. You ask how long they've been single and desired to married. Then look at their lives. If it's more than five years you should see progress.

If she tells you she's waiting for God to bring her someone you should be concerned. That's a popular slogan. It sounds super spiritual. Only the unseasoned miss the issue. If no one warms to you there's a problem. There's something in their character or behavior that's off-putting. They can't meet someone through normal channels. They're waiting on God to bring the person who'll overlook their shortcomings.

People like that usually don't have a lot of friends if any. They have difficulty getting along with others. Too demanding, too clingy, etc. Their relational skills are undeveloped. That's why they falter in social settings. They gravitate to the Internet to downplay or hide the problem. They seem more appealing in text. Until you pay attention to what they say and don't say. The number one thing missing is relationships.

I noticed the difference when we reconciled. The common denominator of people. Going for a bike ride with friends, then bowling, and watching football with the guys or going to a game. There was a steady current of togetherness. The interactions provide continual lessons in relating. That's why he excels at it. He invests in viable connections. Iron sharpens iron. When you're alone you lack that. Talking to someone online isn't the same as doing life.

I don't mind normal, I'm pretty laid back. I am not into crazy either. But you're a go getter, so you need someone that's a also a go getter, that gets things done, a person that is driven and you did find that.

I'd outpace him if he wasn't. That would frustrate me. I need someone who can keep up or outrun me. That's better.

We have a saying in Denmark. "Lige børn leger bedst." "Equal kids play best together." You both sounds very equal with the same zest for life.

Thank you. That's my Sugar Bear! He's a Sweetheart.

That's actually sad. I would have thought Christian women had more joy in life.

I did too. But I know what submission looks like. A woman with a surrendered spirit isn't covert in her yieldedness. She's not competing with her ego. If she has to stress equality and things along those lines. She's not surrendered. They're egalitarian. But there's no headship.

Sometimes that's the result of painful experiences in her childhood or home life. Abuse, trauma, or bad examples could sully her opinion on the subject. God has to work on her heart and healing is needed. That's where due diligence comes in and common sense. You have to address impediments openly. It may never happen. If you can't accept that leave her alone. Some are willing to walk it out.

In my experience, submission and feminism are contradictory. It produces an aggressiveness. I rarely encounter a feminist with a gentle and quiet spirit. They're more assertive. If meek and mild is your thing, leave them alone.

I know you have very high standards. It shines through in your posts. That's a compliment.

Thank you. I love being a woman. I don't want to switch places.

Who would't! I dare only dream of such a woman.

What would you do with her? Same thing I asked in the opening but a different subject. See the connection? You want to move from the realm of thought to action. If the woman I described is appealing, you need to be her complement. Then you'll catch her eye.

 

[bèlla]

It is admirable that you show this kind of regard for yourself and how it would affect others, especially those you love, if I may say so.

Spoken like a true knight. Well said.

 

[Tone]

I just woke up from a dream...

In the dream I was praying that I wouldn't be here when the aliens (celestial beings) arrived.

Because, whoever was still here when they arrived...

...was enslaved...

 

[GodDoesListen55]

The beach life is the life!

 

[bèlla]

@SarahsKnight

I thought of you this morning and this verse came to mind: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

You excel at that. I’m sure @GospelS would agree. I’ve watched you do this constantly. If someone’s low, you have an encouraging word. When something good occurs, you’re cheering right along.

I notice it for several reasons. Most importantly, your heart and what it says about your character. Many have no problem saying things when you’re down. But when you’re up it’s a different story. A lot of people can’t celebrate with those who have the things they lack.

I suspect it’s a combination of good naturedness, empathy, and an absence of jealousy. It’s refreshing to witness. That’s the attitude you want in friends and a companion.

I pray the Lord blesses you richly in each. Because you’re deserving. And I’ll ask the same on your behalf. It’s been a long time since I prayed for marriage for a man. But your behavior and spirit compel me to do so.

You’re ready.

 

[Vinter]

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[Vinter]

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