What's on your mind?

[cara-mia]

Marriage is a partnership in which a man and woman have each other's back, compliment one another, support one another, to get through this gauntlet we call "life." Don't let feelings confuse you. What you want is a "ride or die" partner, and you have to be a "ride or die" partner yourself.

That sounds about right to me!

 

[DragonFox91]

That sounds like co-dependency to me, & I've consistently been told on here co-dependency in a relationship is bad. You people w/ relationship experience just try to find ways to knock us who havent down by trying to find more hoops for us to try to jump thru, or try to deter us.

Also, I want to ask my question!!! I wonder if I should post it in the Atheist/Agnostic section

 

[bèlla]

That sounds like co-dependency to me, & I've consistently been told on here co-dependency in a relationship is bad. You people w/ relationship experience just try to find ways to knock us who havent down by trying to find more hoops for us to try to jump thru, or try to deter us.

What sounds like codependency?

 

[bèlla]

A trench in that color would be magnificent! I’d wear it!

The sweater is definitely meant for a corset.

I could see you in it. A 3/4 coat with a removable lining. You could wear it in fall and spring.

We focus on the chest in the next session. Once we cover sleeves and collars we’ll make a jacket or coat.

 

[Batya25]

Do you mean dating vs. courtship or celibacy?

For some, dating means getting to know someone. They’re exploring the possibility of a relationship.

For others dating means the relationship after vetting. That’s how I use the term. We gauge our suitability first.

Some are celibate and happily single.

I mean dating vs. betrothal, or maybe it could be considered a rather strict form of courting. I don't really call it courting, as to me that implies seeking to win the other person's heart, something that I think should be for the most part saved until one is inside a committed relationship. That looks a little strange in writing...I might not be explaining it the best.
To me, I want to guard my heart to the fullest extent possible, and that involves not getting romantically involved with a man on any level to the best of my ability. I have of course felt some attraction to a few people over time, which I think is normal, but instead of dwelling on it and letting it become significant in my life, I try to just go ahead with life and keep my focus on God, which is primarily where I feel my focus should be, particularly as an unmarried woman. (1 Cor 7:32-35, singlehood being a time when we can uniquely focus our abilities on serving the Master, of course this should always be our focus, but we may have special opportunities now that we wouldn't have when running a busy household ).
I of course don't believe we should be living in the shadows or should never talk to guys, but I don't think it is unreasonable to believe that our almighty Creator will ensure that we meet the right person at the right time, without our needing to search them out. I have never had a boyfriend or talked to guys on a level deeper than casual conversation, but the lack of an emotional connection with someone doesn't mean I am not paying attention and observing people to get an idea of who they are, how they act, their standards, if they stick to their convictions, etc. I think this kind of objectivity may be easier in the absence of an emotional attachment, and most of the people who I have felt attracted to it turns out are not people I would consider marrying.
This is actually a common stance among many of the people who are like-minded faith wise (we are sort of Hebrew Roots-ish you might say), and we know many people who have gone about marriage in this way. It is culturally very different perhaps, but it is beautiful, and biblical, I believe. It's almost as if many of us were raised in a micro-culture in this regard, the young men are very respectful and reserved in regard to seeking a girl's attention, and likewise the girls are mindful and reserved in that way as well. That doesn't make things dull or uncomfortable, it's just a pleasant, friendly environment.
Ideally, (in a broad general sense, every case will be different in some ways), the young man will at some point come to the place where he feels that God has brought the right woman into his life. He will seek Yah's guidance through much prayer, and hopefully seeking counsel from his parents and perhaps another godly older man. Then he would approach the girl's father (regardless of how he gets to this point, I think a man should always, if possible, go through the parents first), and naturally, after getting to know him some, the father would (hopefully ) agree that this is the Father's leading, taking into consideration first and foremost spiritual compatibility. Then, the father tells the girl and asks if she would like to go ahead with this (typically a very big yes ), and then the two begin to talk and seek to get to know each other in a reasoned way (don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't think emotions will be a part of this, but still at this point trying to take a hard look as whether they are like-minded). Then... betrothal, which is making a commitment (sort of like engagement, I guess) wherein marriage is the definite end, unless some major, unforeseen thing comes up which would necessitate breaking it off.
Inside this relationship, it is a safe and secure environment to win each other's hearts, the "courting" which should continue up to and through marriage. In doing things this way, there is no giving away little pieces of your heart to various people before finding the "one," there is no need to worry about a boyfriend/girlfriend leaving for someone else, etc, etc. Of course, nothing's perfect, but as different as this may seem, I believe it is a healthy and biblical way to go about it.
I'm not sure if this makes sense, maybe it just sounds totally weird? In any case, this is somewhat of a summary of my views on this, I'm patently bad at making short, concise explanations. I am not judgmental of anyone's views, this is just how we see things.

 

[bèlla]

That sounds about right to me!

*shuts off the shrinker*

His post got me thinking. Who are my ride and dies? That’s obvious. Then I said to myself, what do they have in common?

I answered...loyal, outspoken, protective, fearless, and shrewd. They’re warriors. And we have a spiritual bond. I think that’s the missing link.

My greatest demonstrations of love, forgiveness, sacrifice, and generosity are in that group. Their welfare is a priority. And I love them deeply. In words, deeds, and spirit.

We click. Not an over time clicking. But from hello. Bam, it was there. Maybe that’s a guideline of sorts. The connection which doesn’t fray in spite of frailties.

Love remains. It always remains.

 

[DragonFox91]

What sounds like codependency?

Most of it.

 

[bèlla]

I try to just go ahead with life and keep my focus on God, which is primarily where I feel my focus should be, particularly as an unmarried woman. (1 Cor 7:32-35, singlehood being a time when we can uniquely focus our abilities on serving the Master, of course this should always be our focus, but we may have special opportunities now that we wouldn't have when running a busy household ).

After my reconciliation with God my lone focus was Him. I spent a lot of time serving, studying, and discovering my calling. Finding my kingdom purpose was foremost. I didn’t date and it wasn’t a priority. I didn’t grow up around Protestants. The angst regarding singleness and longing for marriage wasn’t part of my upbringing. I didn’t hear it. My family’s traditional. They married suitors they were well acquainted with. They knew their family and character.

I was never given the impression that being unattached diminished my worth. I wasn’t less of a woman because I was alone or incomplete. We don’t think that way. Because my identity isn’t based on companionship, it wasn’t difficult to put my focus elsewhere. I was able to use the period (adulthood) to my advantage for personal growth and enhancement.

Knowing my purpose has made a difference. I’m choosing a suitor in light of it. Someone who’ll support its fulfillment who needs my contribution towards his own. We’re a team and accomplishing His will is a must.

Getting there required a lot of discipline. Including, limiting my exposure to singles for awhile. The heaviness and sorrow began to bother me. I started befriending married women and lending them support and prayer. Our conversations weren’t dominated by one subject. It was more edifying for me at that period. I began reconnecting with singles once I knew my calling, was walking in it, and matured spiritually.

I don’t have a term for our approach but its very communal. My family and friends are part of the process and vetting. They weigh in on everyone. Their wisdom and accountability is priceless. Most people in their forties wouldn’t submit to the same. But I believe it’s appropriate.

I'm not sure if this makes sense, maybe it just sounds totally weird?

It doesn’t sound weird.

I have larger considerations than I touch on in my replies. As my loved ones grow older my responsibility for setting the tone and example for the generations behind me looms closer. That’s a duty I happily embrace. I want them to have the same opportunity to follow God unreservedly. No matter the cost.

That’s what influences my outlook. Leaving a legacy of service for the ones who follow. That isn’t everyone’s mission or burden. But it’s mine. He fashioned me to make a difference. Finding someone with similar knitting and convictions is a process. But I’ll find him.

 

[bèlla]

Most of it.

I don’t think co-dependency was his intention. What he’s demonstrating is the depth of commitment and sacrifice required to maintain a lifelong connection.

I’ve known @cara-mia for almost 19 years and others longer than that. You don’t reach that number without hardships and a determination to remain no matter what.

Love is part of it. But so is duty. You can’t allow your flesh or impediments to derail you. You reach a fork in the road where you determine God wills it. You encounter another and realize, so do I.

Life will give you a million reasons to quit. Some very valid. But when you’ve made up your mind there’s no way out there isn’t. You make it work.

That isn’t co-dependence. It’s long-suffering. You endure for the sake of something bigger than yourself. But if you’re dwelling on your wants and needs you’ll never get there. ‘My’ will trip you up every time.

If you want someone who’ll remain at your side and won’t trade you in; you need someone all-in. You don’t reach milestones through selfishness.

Most people invest when all is well. But show them adversity, throw in some sickness, and see what happens. The calls stop and many disappear. They don’t want to be bothered.

But if you meet someone when you’re not at your best and they take you under their wing; you’re blessed. They’re genuine.

 

[bèlla]

Welp...another one bites the dust!

Misogynistic, sexist and a bit rapey': Calls for iconic movie Grease to be banned

Social media users are calling to ban the iconic 1970s hit film 'Grease', condemning it for being "sexist", "homophobic", and "s-ut-shaming"...

 

[DragonFox91]

Really need a Sad reaction

I am so over this.

 

[SarahsKnight]

Social media users are calling to ban the iconic 1970s hit film 'Grease', condemning it for being "sexist", "homophobic", and "s-ut-shaming"...

Well, I don't know where they got the homophobic accusation, but, come on, let's be real: what else do you think the guy meant in the "summer lovin' " song when he said the lyrics "did she put up a fight"?

 

[SarahsKnight]

View attachment 295321

Does anyone remember that show Salute Your Shorts from the old Nickelodeon days? Man, it was great.

But, was just watching old episodes of that and I just now got this one pick-up line that a lady postmaster named Mona used on the guy she just met, Counselor Kevin "Ugh" Lee.

She goes, "As we in the postal service say! You are one first-class mail."


That was good.

So, any ladies here who work in the U.S. postal service, you've got a new trick in your arsenal to use the next guy you meet while out delivering mail.

Speaking of, I just came across a moment of greatness in the show.

Camp troublemaker Ronnie Pinske finds an alternate means of telecommunication to the outside world while stuck in camp (because using the one and only phone around is super restricted), and the first thing you hear come out of his mouth after donning the headset is "hello, cheerleaders' camp? ... Yes, put me through to the head baton-twirler, please?"


MY HERO

 

[bèlla]

Well, I don't know where they got the homophobic accusation, but, come on, let's be real: what else do you think the guy meant in the "summer lovin' " song when he said the lyrics "did she put up a fight"?

I think we can use old films and books as talking points to demonstrate awareness and sensitivity to issues we once ignored. We don’t need to cancel everything.

On the flip side, what are we replacing it with?

 

[SarahsKnight]

On the flip side, what are we replacing it with?

Not something much better in many cases, I'd say. =/

 

[DragonFox91]

Not something much better in many cases, I'd say. =/

That's the whole point. Half of what I see made today probably crosses some line.

Plus, they don't just want to demonize it b/c a lyric or 2 in a song, but they're finding multiple reasons to demonize it, some reasons I don't think should be demonized.

 

[Isaiah 2:22]

I mean dating vs. betrothal, or maybe it could be considered a rather strict form of courting. I don't really call it courting, as to me that implies seeking to win the other person's heart, something that I think should be for the most part saved until one is inside a committed relationship. That looks a little strange in writing...I might not be explaining it the best.
To me, I want to guard my heart to the fullest extent possible, and that involves not getting romantically involved with a man on any level to the best of my ability. I have of course felt some attraction to a few people over time, which I think is normal, but instead of dwelling on it and letting it become significant in my life, I try to just go ahead with life and keep my focus on God, which is primarily where I feel my focus should be, particularly as an unmarried woman. (1 Cor 7:32-35, singlehood being a time when we can uniquely focus our abilities on serving the Master, of course this should always be our focus, but we may have special opportunities now that we wouldn't have when running a busy household ).
I of course don't believe we should be living in the shadows or should never talk to guys, but I don't think it is unreasonable to believe that our almighty Creator will ensure that we meet the right person at the right time, without our needing to search them out. I have never had a boyfriend or talked to guys on a level deeper than casual conversation, but the lack of an emotional connection with someone doesn't mean I am not paying attention and observing people to get an idea of who they are, how they act, their standards, if they stick to their convictions, etc. I think this kind of objectivity may be easier in the absence of an emotional attachment, and most of the people who I have felt attracted to it turns out are not people I would consider marrying.
This is actually a common stance among many of the people who are like-minded faith wise (we are sort of Hebrew Roots-ish you might say), and we know many people who have gone about marriage in this way. It is culturally very different perhaps, but it is beautiful, and biblical, I believe. It's almost as if many of us were raised in a micro-culture in this regard, the young men are very respectful and reserved in regard to seeking a girl's attention, and likewise the girls are mindful and reserved in that way as well. That doesn't make things dull or uncomfortable, it's just a pleasant, friendly environment.
Ideally, (in a broad general sense, every case will be different in some ways), the young man will at some point come to the place where he feels that God has brought the right woman into his life. He will seek Yah's guidance through much prayer, and hopefully seeking counsel from his parents and perhaps another godly older man. Then he would approach the girl's father (regardless of how he gets to this point, I think a man should always, if possible, go through the parents first), and naturally, after getting to know him some, the father would (hopefully ) agree that this is the Father's leading, taking into consideration first and foremost spiritual compatibility. Then, the father tells the girl and asks if she would like to go ahead with this (typically a very big yes ), and then the two begin to talk and seek to get to know each other in a reasoned way (don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't think emotions will be a part of this, but still at this point trying to take a hard look as whether they are like-minded). Then... betrothal, which is making a commitment (sort of like engagement, I guess) wherein marriage is the definite end, unless some major, unforeseen thing comes up which would necessitate breaking it off.
Inside this relationship, it is a safe and secure environment to win each other's hearts, the "courting" which should continue up to and through marriage. In doing things this way, there is no giving away little pieces of your heart to various people before finding the "one," there is no need to worry about a boyfriend/girlfriend leaving for someone else, etc, etc. Of course, nothing's perfect, but as different as this may seem, I believe it is a healthy and biblical way to go about it.
I'm not sure if this makes sense, maybe it just sounds totally weird? In any case, this is somewhat of a summary of my views on this, I'm patently bad at making short, concise explanations. I am not judgmental of anyone's views, this is just how we see things.

If you have a large, close-knit and supportive community who are like-minded, this strategy will probably work out fine. I'm thinking sort of like the community the Orthodox Jews in New York have. But if your community is smaller, or not very cohesive, and there aren't many eligible men available, I would be very cautious about this approach. You could find that it hinders you a lot down the line if you are still single and decide you really want to get married. I used to have somewhat similar views about courting when I was your age, and also used to believe that God would provide a man in due time without me having to do much about it. But I'm 29 now and no man has appeared. However, I don't have a network of people to support this sort of strategy like you seem to. There's no judgement on my part either, though. I just feel old and jaded. lol

 

[SarahsKnight]

But I'm 29 now

Heeeeey, wait a sec.

I believe you're the same age as @DragonFox91 ....

Both the same age and ... perhaps looking? Eh? EH?

 

[Isaiah 2:22]

Heeeeey, wait a sec.

I believe you're the same age as @DragonFox91 ....

Both the same age and ... perhaps looking? Eh? EH?

View attachment 295370

LOL I don't really know what to say to this. Are you playing matchmaker?

 

[DragonFox91]

You're silly, Knight.

I don't know enough about her at this point.

Who is Sarah, BTW.