Your conscience is right.
Firstly, the Lord said,
"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself." (Lk. 10:27)
The Royal Law directs believers
primarily to God first and foremost, then
secondarily to others. - You've got it backwards, and tangled topics together, as if church / baptism / asceticism / abstinence / marriage somehow will save you.
Here I'll interject that you probably have dysfunctional relationships with women in your life, in family life, and in general. Because Scriptural people treat others as they do family,
"The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity." (1 Tim. 5:2) -- Family is where children first learn how to treat others, mimicking parents, then practicing sharing etc amongst siblings.
Secondly, your issue is about
Religiosity & Ritualism vs Loving the Lord thy God. - Too pre-occupied with 'Baptism', religious church attendance, etc.
Many equate church
attendance with a religious experience, both being treated as a kind of 'ultimate experience' one day per week, being 'closer with Christ' as you say, but Scripture doesn't speak this way. Per God's design, religious attendance
comes last. Closeness to Christ comes by living per God's law in the Torah,
'If you love me keep my commandments' (Jn. 14:15), the same commandements that Christ and his disciples kept (similar in essence for Gentiles) - Over emphasis on
physical public attendance is actually what Christ criticised of those who prayed visibly on street corners, etc.
E.g. The annual day of atonement (or Yom Kippur for Jews) per Leviticus 16, or the formal sit-down 'Lord's Supper' (Feast of Unleavened Bread) were
annual events. Both being critical behind Christ's death and sacrifice. - Only by understanding this can you'll
really understand Christ's work, otherwise, you're
not really a believer… harsh I know but it's simply because
many things need to occur before and leading up to a formal event. I suppose, like having to pass school exams before graduation or actually having the parents blessing and woman's agreement before the marriage ceremony.
In Scripture,
weekly gathering is done per Sabbath law, a throwback to God's creation order, and God's design, plan, etc, and again, it's
not about attendance per se, but about "rest" (from works during the working week) and "holiness" (symbolic separation from the world) and to do God's work per his commandments (taking part in God's work per se). See Exodus 35,
Bible Gateway passage: Exodus 35 - King James Version.
Thus, the 'Church' concepts you're familiar with are probably more accurately '
Gentile Church' phenomena and rituals which aren't necessarily legitimate or mandated in Scripture. Much is to do with teaching from Baptistic groups and Evangelical groups. - Another big topic. Read Church History for details, e.g. Phillip Schaff.
Now, about
male-female relations, fraternisation is a problem at most evangelical churches is
gender mixing, blurring the line between men's roles and women's roles, marriage, leadership and subordination, male and female ministers, deacons, leaders, etc. Sexual scandals happen like this, often, a rampant problem… It often starts at puberty in (co-ed) 'Youth Groups', parties, and 'Church Camps' sleeping in dorms unsupervised, all being
para-church activities, competing with the main congregation (which should be the one and only). These routines and habits worsen with time. None of this would have occurred in the Early Church where everyone was together in
one room, listening to Scripture being read,
all together.
Hence, if one understands that gatherings with believers is a
holy activity, one will understand the
dishonour for men to be mingling too closely with women in a public and holy setting, and vice versa for women.
Quote:
"And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church." (1 Cor. 14:35)
Thus, Paul says,
"Marriage is honourable in all" (Heb. 13:4) - Meaning that for you, your feelings and situation, anxiety / temptation / frustration is somewhat normal but it perhaps speaks more about your family / community situation (or lack of) hence a deeper sense of
deficit and
dis-ordered love. But of course, remember that not every body gets married. During WW2 many young ladies lost their husbands and
held out for the remainder of their life, never re-marrying, unable to find a replacement, also unwilling to replace their original loved one.
Now, I'm not a Baptist (and I disagree with baptist theology) but
Paul Washer has a bunch of sermons on this area, about 'dating', sexual infidelity, sexual immorality, etc. His main thesis being that one is not just dealing with 'a woman' but a
daughter of God… Hence, 'dating' is an illegitimate and dishonourable way to have a 'relationship' with a woman. You can talk to her, socially, professionally, in a light way, but the proper way is to ask permission from her Father, and typically in our culture that means
getting married.
Paul quoting Genesis:
"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh." (Eph. 5:31) -- This is all one step in the Biblical pov.
Interestingly,
"Adam knew (יָדַע , yada) Eve his wife; and she conceived" (Gen. 4:1) and
"Cain knew (יָדַע , yada) his wife; and she conceived" (Gen 4:17) --
Yada in Hebrew means to
'know' someone, whether superficially or deeply. It's usage signifies that to really 'know' a woman has direct implications (at least assumed implications) of marriage, eloption, and conception.
This of course relates to human suffering, loneliness, sadness, emptiness etc, but a believer will find this
completely in Christ,
spiritually in the present (a taste of the future), and
fully manifest at the Lord's return (post-resurrection, see Rev 20), being
with the Messiah 'in paradise'. -- Except in paradise there is
no marriage, no crying, no pain, no suffering…
"For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven." (Mt. 22:30)
While God originally established and ordained marriage, having said,
"It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." (Gen. 2:18), creating women / family / society, we mustn't get too hung up on a "love interest" or the hope of marriage because God's creation of 'women' was for a "help meet for him"… That's what Scripture says... i.e. Women are a
social benefit, as mothers, sisters, aunts, and other ladies in society, being
all part of one's extended family.
Of course
all humans are
orphans separated from our Father in Heaven, so we all sense loneliness, sadness, etc, but this
doesn't necessarily relate to an unhealthy fixation or idolatry of women. - Friendship, admiration, respect, etc, is not necessarily
commitment.
Women are of course beautiful, but they're often figures of idolatry also, archetypal idols. It happens in the West and in the Far East (in China) too.
See Cult of Diana
Diana (mythology) - Wikipedia and it's relationship to cult of Princess Diana, and other female pop icons. - Hence pre-occupation and obsession with having
"My ULTIMATE goal in life is to be married" -- This is a troubling statement: Why not 'loving' a woman and serving her, her children, her family etc, and instead 'married'. Maybe you're obsessed with marriage as a categorical thing, or a status thing, less about the woman herself as a person, and less about love itself as a practice ? Food for thought.
Quote:
"Perversions of the flesh either accompany or follow idolatry. The children of Israel participated in such abominations after arriving at Mount Sinai. ...Later, the idolatrous ceremonies that accompanied the worship of foreign gods in ancient Israel, particularly the worship of Baal and Astarte, commonly involved lewd and sexually explicit behavior. Around the time of Paul, Corinth was known worldwide for the Temple of Diana and its sacred prostitutes. Young, virgin, Corinthian girls were required to serve for a time in the temples as prostitutes before they could marry." (
Prostitution, Ritual (Forerunner Commentary))
A carnal man's only hope is
temporal, limited to
this life, destined for damnation
… A believer's hope is
eternal,
not limited to this life, destined for life everlasting, at the Lord's return…
If you understand this but struggle to contain yourself (self-control being a fruit of the HS), marriage may be your only option.
"Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."
Now about 'love' itself, there are different types of love, romantic, brotherly, charity, philanthropy, etc. However in either case, they are
kinda are the same in that each requires aspects of 1 Corinthians 13, patience, kindness, self-sacrifice, etc.
Love is at odds with adultery / murder / theft / false-witness / covet, etc.
Romans 13 says,
"Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law." (Rom. 13:8-10)
Hence the Lord said,
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) -- This is what each believer should aspire to, How replicate this in our lives, study, work, family, community, nation, etc. How to bring glory and honour to God's name.
See School of Life, 'How you can love anybody'. These videos will help wrap your head around it.
Now, about
priorities, believers don't "seek God" per se, they seek 'the kingdom of God
and his righteousness'.
The
definition of righteousness is found in the Torah (Pentateuch), unfolding in Scripture overall:
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33)
OK, while being "content alone" is useful at times, remember that the universal church is a '
community of believers'. The above quotes and concepts would be
inapplicable to someone truly alone. e.g. true hermits and ascetics tried to accomplish what you're saying in the past, controversially. See early desert fathers (monks) like Simon Stylites who lived for 37 years on a 'pillar' or small platform.
Simeon Stylites - Wikipedia
Contentment for believers is in the basics of food, clothing, and shelter:
"Having food and raiment let us be therewith content." (1 Timothy 6:8)
Most people on the internet however live in a very wealthy and materialistic parts of the world, where true perspective is often jaded by stuff, status, social acceptance, etc. And many Christians both in history and nowadays, live arguably truer lives as Christians in every regard and more likely to be accepted by Christ, live in
poverty, as victims of persecution, corruption,
and the wealth of the West (by way of globalised market pricing, serving rich nations), unable to 'make' a living. And more and more so this affects the West itself with many being in extreme debt (i.e. negative wealth) etc. Anyway, I digress.
LOL 
