The Five Love Languages???

[therebelprophet]

I have read most of the book, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and I'm kinda confused about something. The book's premise is that every person has a different way of receiving love emotionally so that what makes one person "feel" loved will not necessarily make another person "feel" loved. He breaks the "Love Languages" into five categories and then says that each language has different "dialects" within the primary language. It's a very fascinating and spot-on book on marriage and relationships.

Problem is, though, I'm NOT married, but I'm in a situation with a woman that is so much like marriage it's just weird (we're not having sex, I'm talking about just the emotional aspects of it). Have you ever had somebody in your life that you "knew" but you didn't really know them? I mean, I've been in this girl's life for almost seven years and so I've seen a lot and I know a lot ABOUT her, but I don't really know her....does that make sense? We can sit in the same room for HOURS and if I don't say anything she will just sit there like a bump on a log and watch TV or play her PSP or whatever. To her, that's okay, but it positively drives me up the wall.

I've been able to identify that right now her primary love language is the "gift of presence". I'm there, physically in her presence, and that's enough for her. She just wants me to be there...almost like a security blanket. If I'm not there, she panics and will do whatever she has to do to keep me "there". But it's like she's not trying to move forward or to get to know me or anything like that. She is content with me just "being there" and makes no real effort to deepen the relationship. It's as deep as she wants it to be right now. This bothers me.

The reason for this is simple: my primary love language, as far as I can tell, is "quality time"....more specifically it's "quality conversation". I don't want her to give me information, I want her to open up to me, to share part of herself, to give something of herself to me. But time and again I try to draw her out and feel where she is and where she's coming from and I either get short, clipped responses or the sharp pointy end of her ire for asking so many questions. She likes to leave things alone, let them be however they are, don't "stir the pot" so to speak...and I'm the exact opposite. If there's a problem I'm gonna fix it. If it needs to be done I'm gonna be the one to do it. And the less pleasant it is and the more other people try to avoid doing that thing, the more I'm gonna want to do it just so that they don't have to.

So I'm stuck like chuck right now. She won't open up to me and I'm climbing the walls with frustration and anxiety at having to sit in the same room with her for hours on end and say nothing and do nothing. In my mind, I might as well be by myself. So what do I do? Indeed, what can I do? This stinks like rotten eggs...and I just want it to be finished so that we can move forward. Thoughts? Advice? Anything you can offer would be helpful.

 

[SumMer87]

are you serious, Clark?

 

[therebelprophet]

Wha? Apparently I'm missing the reference you're making...'cause my name ain't Clark

 

[Redheadedstepchild]

Christmas Vacation, I think.

 

[Redheadedstepchild]

As to your current situation, I really can't offer advise - you are probably spot on that trying to draw her out will not have the desired affect. :/

 

[1usul1]

Have you spoken to her about it?
There could be a deeper issue for her, has she been burned in a previous relationship or anything?

 

[liketotalk]

Hi RP,

Is this the same young lady that you met years ago and then you hadn't seen her for 5 or 6 years? And she was living an alternative lifestyle? Have you reconnected with her? I guess I missed some of your new posts.

How did you reconnect with her? (if you don't mind me asking!) Or is this someone else?

I always see that book at the store. It sounds interesting. I'm going to have to take a look at it.

I've been married for some time now, but thinking back when I was dating guys I was interested in and vice versa we had great verbal exchanges. I married a guy who is by nature an introvert and a little on the quiet side, but he would always stay close to me and be a good listener (when we were dating). I would ask him questions and he responded, but I was more the talker.

The fact that she is not interacting with you and then she responds so rudely to you...sounds like that book/movie title "He's (she's) really not that into you", or something like that.

Go and do something fun together. It doesn't have to cost a lot. Go to a museum or a botanical garden. Have a picnic in the park. Take a walk in a pretty location. Have coffee at starbucks, go to an outside market, toss a frisbee...maybe she'll come out of her shell a bit or warm up to you.

 

[Elijah2]

I have read most of the book, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and I'm kinda confused about something. The book's premise is that every person has a different way of receiving love emotionally so that what makes one person "feel" loved will not necessarily make another person "feel" loved. He breaks the "Love Languages" into five categories and then says that each language has different "dialects" within the primary language. It's a very fascinating and spot-on book on marriage and relationships.

Problem is, though, I'm NOT married, but I'm in a situation with a woman that is so much like marriage it's just weird (we're not having sex, I'm talking about just the emotional aspects of it). Have you ever had somebody in your life that you "knew" but you didn't really know them? I mean, I've been in this girl's life for almost seven years and so I've seen a lot and I know a lot ABOUT her, but I don't really know her....does that make sense? We can sit in the same room for HOURS and if I don't say anything she will just sit there like a bump on a log and watch TV or play her PSP or whatever. To her, that's okay, but it positively drives me up the wall.

I've been able to identify that right now her primary love language is the "gift of presence". I'm there, physically in her presence, and that's enough for her. She just wants me to be there...almost like a security blanket. If I'm not there, she panics and will do whatever she has to do to keep me "there". But it's like she's not trying to move forward or to get to know me or anything like that. She is content with me just "being there" and makes no real effort to deepen the relationship. It's as deep as she wants it to be right now. This bothers me.

The reason for this is simple: my primary love language, as far as I can tell, is "quality time"....more specifically it's "quality conversation". I don't want her to give me information, I want her to open up to me, to share part of herself, to give something of herself to me. But time and again I try to draw her out and feel where she is and where she's coming from and I either get short, clipped responses or the sharp pointy end of her ire for asking so many questions. She likes to leave things alone, let them be however they are, don't "stir the pot" so to speak...and I'm the exact opposite. If there's a problem I'm gonna fix it. If it needs to be done I'm gonna be the one to do it. And the less pleasant it is and the more other people try to avoid doing that thing, the more I'm gonna want to do it just so that they don't have to.

So I'm stuck like chuck right now. She won't open up to me and I'm climbing the walls with frustration and anxiety at having to sit in the same room with her for hours on end and say nothing and do nothing. In my mind, I might as well be by myself. So what do I do? Indeed, what can I do? This stinks like rotten eggs...and I just want it to be finished so that we can move forward. Thoughts? Advice? Anything you can offer would be helpful.

Mate, get back to HIS WORD and stop filling your brain up with this stuff. If you have a problem then go and speak to your pastor and receive some good advice from a real GOD-anointed Christ-believing counsellor in the Healing and Deliverance Ministry, I am sure there is such were you live.

Read these five types of love:

Five Types of Love

* Eros (ἔρως érōs) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "(romantic) love". However, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition. Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. It should be noted Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction". Plato also said eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros. The most famous ancient work on the subject of eros is Plato's Symposium, which is a discussion among the students of Socrates on the nature of eros.

* Philia (φιλία philía), which means friendship in modern Greek, a dispassionate virtuous love, was a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philia denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers. This is the only other word for "love" used in the ancient text of the New Testament besides agape, but even then it is used substantially less frequently.

* Agapē (ἀγάπη agáp&#275 means "love" in modern day Greek, such as in the term s'agapo (Σ'αγαπ&#974, which means"I love you". In Ancient Greek it often refers to a general affection rather than the attraction suggested by "eros"; agape is used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one's children, and the feelings for a spouse. It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard. The verb appears in the New Testament describing, amongst other things, the relationship between Jesus and the beloved disciple. In biblical literature, its meaning and usage is illustrated by self-sacrificing, giving love to all--both friend and enemy. It is used in Matthew 22:39, "Love your neighbour as yourself," and in John 15:12, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you," and in 1 John 4:8, "God is love." However, the word "agape" is not always used in the New Testament in a positive sense. II Timothy 4:10 uses the word in a negative sense. The Apostle Paul writes,"For Demas hath forsaken me, having loved (agapo) this present world...." Thus the word "agape" is not always used of a divine love or the love of God. Christian commentators have expanded the original Greek definition to encompass a total commitment or self-sacrificial love for the thing loved. Because of its frequency of use in the New Testament, Christian writers have developed a significant amount of theology based solely on the interpretation of this word.

* Storge (στοργή storg&#275 means "affection" in modern Greek; it is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family.

* Thelema (θέλημα thélēma) means "desire" in modern Greek; it is the desire to do something, to be occupied, to be in prominence.

Blessings.

 

[therebelprophet]

Disclaimer: Just so that everybody knows up front, yes, this girl lives with me. She just moved into my apartment Saturday. NO, we ARE NOT dating. She has the master bedroom and I am clear on the other side of the apartment from her. We share a living room and the kitchen. I even have my own separate entrance. This was the only way to get her out of where she was and into a healthier and safer environment. She WAS living with a woman who was her ex-girlfriend and this woman did NOTHING to help her move forward in her life. She lived with this woman for two YEARS and has no job, no driver's license, no friends, has made NO progress toward ANY of her goals, and about the only thing she has to show for this time is that she was able to get off of drugs in that time period. This was the ONLY option for her to have a chance at a normal life. In fact, God brought me all the way from Iraq, which included me quitting my job in order to leave Iraq, just so that I could be here to have a place for her to go when the time came for her to leave. That being said, here is a little more detail about the situation:

Hi RP,

Is this the same young lady that you met years ago and then you hadn't seen her for 5 or 6 years? And she was living an alternative lifestyle? Have you reconnected with her? I guess I missed some of your new posts.

How did you reconnect with her? (if you don't mind me asking!) Or is this someone else?

Yes, this is the same girl. She and I parted ways in April of 2006, didn't hear from her until March of 2007...she called me three times in a week and then I didn't hear from her again until April of 2008. She's been a constant part of my life ever since. Yes, she was a lesbian (I find the term "alternative lifestyle" distasteful...no offense...let's just call it what it is) for quite some time and now she is finally getting out of that and getting her life turned around. As far as reconnecting goes...she set up a Myspace page in January of 2007 that I found in June of 2007. I sent her a message in August...kind of a "shot in the dark"...and didn't hear back from her until April of 2008. I thought she was gone for good.

I always see that book at the store. It sounds interesting. I'm going to have to take a look at it.

The book is EXCELLENT and very, very practical. It is simply written, no technical psychobabble...just plain everyday English...and I believe can seriously help anyone who is married and feels like they aren't receiving the love they deserve from their spouse, emotionally speaking.

I've been married for some time now, but thinking back when I was dating guys I was interested in and vice versa we had great verbal exchanges. I married a guy who is by nature an introvert and a little on the quiet side, but he would always stay close to me and be a good listener (when we were dating). I would ask him questions and he responded, but I was more the talker.

The fact that she is not interacting with you and then she responds so rudely to you...sounds like that book/movie title "He's (she's) really not that into you", or something like that.

Go and do something fun together. It doesn't have to cost a lot. Go to a museum or a botanical garden. Have a picnic in the park. Take a walk in a pretty location. Have coffee at starbucks, go to an outside market, toss a frisbee...maybe she'll come out of her shell a bit or warm up to you.

See, this is where the rub comes in. This thread and my OP may be entirely pre-emptive and nothing more than me complaining about timing more than anything else. We get along GREAT!! In SO many ways we are so much the same that I wonder sometimes if the Chinese didn't get it right when they spoke of falling in love in terms of souls getting split in two before they fell to earth and then having to find their other half. In many, many ways it truly seems as though we are one soul in two bodies. Our similarities are uncanny and our differences, when it comes to petty stuff, so far are pretty minute.

I LOVE going shopping with her at the grocery store because we think alike, have the same dislikes and tastes in food, and get along SO well. The things that other couples fight about...we don't! The trivial stuff is very QUICKLY resolved because we both recognize that where the couch is or what brand of toilet paper we use is really insignificant. BUT, where it seems that most couples have this underlying understanding of the emotional aspects of their interaction with each other...for us it's just not there. This is the number one thing we fight about. And I honestly think it's because she is so used to being hurt and neglected that she is almost completely closed off. She either does not WANT to give of herself...or she just can't. Then you throw in the fact that she's been a lesbian for five years and, yes, I'M A GUY...well...that just takes the whole thing up a notch.

On the phone with her ex-girlfriend she's warm and caring and comforting...but with me...if I have a bad day or something I get a cold "I'm sorry" and little else. She doesn't know how to act around me because of the fact that I'm male and not female. And I'm trying to get around that, jumping through all kinds of hoops to make sure that she is not totally panicked about being around me all the time...but there are still POWERFUL strongholds built up in her mind about men. Things are improving, but it is still very very difficult. And while it's true that we ARE NOT "dating"...we are still a "couple" even if we have no title to go along with that. It's really, really complicated, I know, but I promise you this girl really, really cares about me and I really, REALLY care about her. It's just a very bizarre situation. So now that you know more...let the comments go forth!

 

[pinkputter]

y'all need to get some help.

is she christian.

and she needs counseling for her orientation issues.

i don't blame her for being closed off, lesbian or straight!!
that's what happens to girls. guys use them, take advantage of them, after making ourselves vulnerable they will use that and hit them right where it hurts-- not where you're thinking, but if you r thinking "there," what i am talking about it much much worse. it leaves you scarred..emotionally. guys don't get hurt the way girls do because we open up whereas yes, guys do, and guys i've dated have, but not the way girls always do. it's just the reality of opposite gender relationships.
so if she has trouble with this to where she can't be in a relationship, yeah she needs to get help.
and way to catch the reference, and yes, it is christmas vacation, said by cousin eddy, the best ever.

 

[therebelprophet]

Um...apparently...I'M her counselor. Welcome to Jeremiah Stormbreaker's Boot Camp for the Life-Challenged and Unlovely!

Seriously, tho...I think that I'm really all she's got...and all God's gonna give her. I'm depending on HIM, not myself, so I know that as long as I'm where I'm supposed to be in God this is gonna be cake. Not saying it's gonna be easy or without pain...but it does NOT take years or months or even weeks of counseling or medication or whatever to "cure" someone of whatever they are having difficulties with.

I DO understand the hurt that women go through. I've been put in the position to see it from the other side of the fence, so to speak. And let me just apologize for the male gender right here and now...because the majority of us are just a bunch of animals! I've never heard guys talking about sex like I did when I was in Iraq. They had NO qualms, weren't squeamish at ALL about it, and discussed sex and sexual issues like they were talking about the weather! Every woman they met was just sex parts to them! It was HORRIBLE! I've NEVER been like that. It never even crossed my MIND to be like that! So, I'm sorry! I apologize! I can see why women are becoming lesbians by the thousands! I probably would, too, if I was a woman!

So...yeah...it's all gonna work out, I'm sure. But any other comments/advice/insight and/or Word from the Lord would be MUCH appreciated .

 

[Redheadedstepchild]

and way to catch the reference, and yes, it is christmas vacation, said by cousin eddy, the best ever.

It's frequently quoted in my household.

OK, now with more info to go on...

The suggestion of counseling is a good one, for both of you actually - especially if your relationship ever goes further then what it is right now.

The only other things I can suggest...time, patience, consistency and continued faith in the process on your part. God can heal all wounds but it's in his time, not ours. In the meantime, the best thing you can do for her is reflect Christ back to her.

 

[therebelprophet]

It's frequently quoted in my household.

OK, now with more info to go on...

The suggestion of counseling is a good one, for both of you actually - especially if your relationship ever goes further then what it is right now.

The only other things I can suggest...time, patience, consistency and continued faith in the process on your part. God can heal all wounds but it's in his time, not ours. In the meantime, the best thing you can do for her is reflect Christ back to her.

I LIKE it!! It is a good Word.

 

[1usul1]

She probably doesn't know why she is doing what she isdoing, it is probably a subconcious behaviour learned from her previous experience. If she got hurt, it is possible that she thinks sub concisously that she will get hurt again if she commits to you. it could be a defensive mechanism.
If she doesn't committ she won't get hurt. By committ i mean allow you into her heart. I would suggestthat you ask God to heal her broken heart. I have been there before in the sense of a broken heart, i know He is in the business of fixing them.

 

[therebelprophet]

Honestly, I'm a little surprised and, believe it or not, actually DISAPPOINTED that no one has jumped on the fact that this girl is living with me. I woulda thought the morality police would be bringing out the big guns by now.

It does give me pause, though...I just had a thought ricochet off of the one above...if this was "biblical times"...and she was living with me...the only acceptable way for that to happen would be if she was my sister or relative, right? You couldn't just have unmarried virgin women living in your house if you were an unmarried virgin male, could you? I know this isn't the same time and place, but it does make me wonder. And it also knocks me sideways in my heart a little bit.

How do you change your perspective of someone after almost seven years of seeing them in your heart as your future wife? I know that she still IS my future wife...but for the moment she's just a sister in Christ, a daughter of the Most High God who got lost along the trail and needs a little guidance to find her way back. My desire for her has been STOUT, quite a formidable adversary, and I have had to beat it back with a whip and a chair since the moment she and I first existed in the same space. Not sexual desire, per se, but that DEEP soul longing. The "furious longing of God" that is mentioned in another thread here in this forum. Hmmm...this has given me much to think about........

 

[Tamara224]

You remind me of Hosea, Rebel.

I have no advice for you. Just wanted to say I think you're doing good - keep trusting God.

 

[therebelprophet]

Well thanks for the encouragement!

 

[Charles L. Blackman]

If I may, it seems as though both of you could use some serious personal counseling with a professional.

Maybe it comes from being on the street in law enforcement too long, but it seems I'm hearing a young man who is obscessed and living with a lesbian, who still has feelings for her lesbian lover (why else is she kind and loving to her on the phone and not to you).

I might just be the worst cynic, but I've seen it too many times. The moment this woman finds a more comfortable place, or a lover she wants more, she will be history once again. It sounds like what Forrest Gump went through with his Jenny.

Sorry, but that's what I see and have seen numerous times. I do wish you the best, and will pray for your protection and wisdom in this matter.





.

 

[therebelprophet]

If I may, it seems as though both of you could use some serious personal counseling with a professional.

Maybe it comes from being on the street in law enforcement too long, but it seems I'm hearing a young man who is obscessed and living with a lesbian, who still has feelings for her lesbian lover (why else is she kind and loving to her on the phone and not to you).

I might just be the worst cynic, but I've seen it too many times. The moment this woman finds a more comfortable place, or a lover she wants more, she will be history once again. It sounds like what Forrest Gump went through with his Jenny.

Sorry, but that's what I see and have seen numerous times. I do wish you the best, and will pray for your protection and wisdom in this matter.

Yep. That's definitely what it looks like. I'm definitely obsessed (means "mentally preoccupied") and she definitely still has feelings for her ex...and without God it's definitely doomed to failure. How appropriate that you used Forrest Gump as a reference. I was just telling her the other day how weird this situation is and how much it's like that movie. But even though he went through hell in his life with that girl, when it was all said and done....he still got the girl. So just call me Forrest, aight?

But at what cost? That's always the question, isn't it? At what cost?

She's not going to find a "more comfortable" place. If she backs out of this deal there are far-reaching emotional, relational, and legal consequences. She will destroy her relationship with her mom (mom's dropped about two grand on this so far and her kids have ripped her over so many times it's pathetic), destroy her relationship with me (the ONLY steady friend she's EVER had), be held financially responsible for her half of the rent for the remainder of the lease because her name is on the lease (8 months at almost $400 a month for her half), and she will never have anything even REMOTELY close to this kind of opportunity in her life ever again. If she fails to get her life straightened out NOW....she'll never be whole, never find her way back to God, and never amount to anything....ever.

If my Jenny leaves me now...there will be no white suit and bus stop stories leading up to a glorious reunion. There will be nothing. Nothing ever again.

 

[bluemarkus]

if anything else fails, try some money LOL