Hi,
I'm new to Christian forums but I really came here because I need some help. I've had a lot of stuff happen to me over the last year and I'm now really struggling with my relationship with God. I suppose I should explain fully. Sorry in advance for a very long story:
It really started before this year. All through secondary school my "best friend" used to beat me up every time she got mad at something and she was a compulsive liar, anyway right at the end of the my time there we sorted everything out and she changed a lot (for the better) and we are now good friends (she hasn't hit me once in 3 years). Also I was bullied since primary school, one kid strangled me until I lost consciousness but I haven't been bullied for years now.
I'm in my final year of sixth form college now, I've been there 3 years instead of two because I was very ill during my first year and had to repeat it. Well, at the beginning of this year, I went to a friend's 18 birthday party and during it, a close friend's christian boyfriend locked me in the bathroom with him and kissed me and tried to undress me. Anyway, I tried to push him away and say no but he wouldn't let me out. I should probably mention that this guy was generally a really nice guy but he was drunk, and you probably wonder why I didn't scream out loud, it was because I couldn't believe it was happening. While this was happening in my head I was screaming for God to come and help me...to stop this somehow and I really really believed he would help me, but he chose not to and that's when I started feeling so confused. I've been brought up a christian and I know that God hasn't abandoned me but the episode hurt me so much, it felt like going bungeyjumping and at the bottom realising that the bungey rope isn't there. I blamed myself and I wondered what I had done that made God want to not help a desparate child who was screaming for his help.
After that, I got involved with a non-christian and after two-weeks of going out he started abusing me physically, mentally and sexually. He threatened to commit suicide if I didn't stay with him and I suppose I stayed with him because of that and because I was trying to punish myself enough so that I would be able to be with God again, and then He wouldn't chose not to help me because I would be slightly more worthy of His love, and because I was in denial that it was happening to me - a boring, "good" girl. Anyway, the abuse continued everyday for about 12 hours for two months - we were on exam leave and I saw him from 9 in the morning to 9 in the evening when I would drive home, or sometimes drive him home from my house. Incidentally, this would happen even when my parents were in the house or when his parents were in and I couldn't put them through knowing what happened under their own roof. Anyway, after two months I realised how much I was beginning to hate myself and broke off the relationship with him. I managed to cope fairly well, I told some of my friends what had happened, and things went well(ish) until I started a new relationship about 6 months later and after two months he broke up with me when I told him what had happened in my previous relationship - he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Anyway, that sent me into depression for couple of months. I'm now seeing a councillor and my abuser now avoids me (we go to the same college and had been hanging around me everyday since we broke up) because a mutual friend told him what had happened. I know that sounds strange but he didn't think of it as abuse, he's a very messed up individual.
Okay, moving swiftly on, my councillor is not christian so can't help me with the damage it did to me spiritually. I still can't talk to God because I now feel damaged and broken and so so unworthy of his love that I don't want him to see me, and I don't want to get hurt again so I don't want to love him because I don't want to risk him not loving me back or not answering me. Apart from now it's so lonely without him and it takes so much effort to stop myself being close to him, and I just can't ignore him and I so want to love him again, I'm even starting to listen to christian music again. So if you have any advice or help you can give me, or even just to tell me that I'm not alone in this would be great.
Thank you all so much.
I'm new to Christian forums but I really came here because I need some help. I've had a lot of stuff happen to me over the last year and I'm now really struggling with my relationship with God. I suppose I should explain fully. Sorry in advance for a very long story:
It really started before this year. All through secondary school my "best friend" used to beat me up every time she got mad at something and she was a compulsive liar, anyway right at the end of the my time there we sorted everything out and she changed a lot (for the better) and we are now good friends (she hasn't hit me once in 3 years). Also I was bullied since primary school, one kid strangled me until I lost consciousness but I haven't been bullied for years now.
I'm in my final year of sixth form college now, I've been there 3 years instead of two because I was very ill during my first year and had to repeat it. Well, at the beginning of this year, I went to a friend's 18 birthday party and during it, a close friend's christian boyfriend locked me in the bathroom with him and kissed me and tried to undress me. Anyway, I tried to push him away and say no but he wouldn't let me out. I should probably mention that this guy was generally a really nice guy but he was drunk, and you probably wonder why I didn't scream out loud, it was because I couldn't believe it was happening. While this was happening in my head I was screaming for God to come and help me...to stop this somehow and I really really believed he would help me, but he chose not to and that's when I started feeling so confused. I've been brought up a christian and I know that God hasn't abandoned me but the episode hurt me so much, it felt like going bungeyjumping and at the bottom realising that the bungey rope isn't there. I blamed myself and I wondered what I had done that made God want to not help a desparate child who was screaming for his help.
After that, I got involved with a non-christian and after two-weeks of going out he started abusing me physically, mentally and sexually. He threatened to commit suicide if I didn't stay with him and I suppose I stayed with him because of that and because I was trying to punish myself enough so that I would be able to be with God again, and then He wouldn't chose not to help me because I would be slightly more worthy of His love, and because I was in denial that it was happening to me - a boring, "good" girl. Anyway, the abuse continued everyday for about 12 hours for two months - we were on exam leave and I saw him from 9 in the morning to 9 in the evening when I would drive home, or sometimes drive him home from my house. Incidentally, this would happen even when my parents were in the house or when his parents were in and I couldn't put them through knowing what happened under their own roof. Anyway, after two months I realised how much I was beginning to hate myself and broke off the relationship with him. I managed to cope fairly well, I told some of my friends what had happened, and things went well(ish) until I started a new relationship about 6 months later and after two months he broke up with me when I told him what had happened in my previous relationship - he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Anyway, that sent me into depression for couple of months. I'm now seeing a councillor and my abuser now avoids me (we go to the same college and had been hanging around me everyday since we broke up) because a mutual friend told him what had happened. I know that sounds strange but he didn't think of it as abuse, he's a very messed up individual.
Okay, moving swiftly on, my councillor is not christian so can't help me with the damage it did to me spiritually. I still can't talk to God because I now feel damaged and broken and so so unworthy of his love that I don't want him to see me, and I don't want to get hurt again so I don't want to love him because I don't want to risk him not loving me back or not answering me. Apart from now it's so lonely without him and it takes so much effort to stop myself being close to him, and I just can't ignore him and I so want to love him again, I'm even starting to listen to christian music again. So if you have any advice or help you can give me, or even just to tell me that I'm not alone in this would be great.
Thank you all so much.
