Starting to resent my husband

[designer mom]

I don't know if you have said this before but I think you're hard on yourself right.

Yeah, I know. I think it's partially because I grew up in an area that has very high standards, and also because I very genuinely want to be the best person that I can be, and live my life to the fullest. I'm already thinking about how I can turn my story into a website or a book in the future to help people. I can't even function, yet somehow I'm thinking about helping people years from now. It sounds noble on the surface, but realistically, I think I have a problem.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Designer Mom, two things jump out at me, with your desire to help others. First of all, it's natural to want to see the rainbow at the end of the tunnel, which I would guess is at least partially what that's about. Secondly, you are learning and you likely want to share what you have learned, and spare others some of what you have been through. Those are what they are. It is also healing to reach out to others as you are working through your pain. Please don't think that either makes you a heroine, or a person with a problem. Rather see yourself as you ought. You are a woman who is a child of God, and who wants to please your Lord. So you are both a Princess, in one respect, as a daughter of the King, but a servant in another respect, as one who lives for Christ.

 

[tannicv2]

Yeah, I know. I think it's partially because I grew up in an area that has very high standards, and also because I very genuinely want to be the best person that I can be, and live my life to the fullest. I'm already thinking about how I can turn my story into a website or a book in the future to help people. I can't even function, yet somehow I'm thinking about helping people years from now. It sounds noble on the surface, but realistically, I think I have a problem.

Do you think these high standards are contributing to the problem. I see no problem holding them for yourself if they are realistic. However I believe it's stressful to apply those to others that can't meet them. As for the husband, might be good to stop letting him bother you the way he does. I understand that he can be devious about things and what he wants and says to you. But in all to keep your stress levels down, his problems really aren't your problem until they affect you in someway.

Another thing is when he comes to you to talk or express himself. Don't blow up... just listen and think about what you have to say to him. I'm not saying be nice to him but be blunt if you need to be. I say this because if you blow up in front of him, he won't come to you to express himself.

 

[designer mom]

Do you think these high standards are contributing to the problem. I see no problem holding them for yourself if they are realistic. However I believe it's stressful to apply those to others that can't meet them. As for the husband, might be good to stop letting him bother you the way he does. I understand that he can be devious about things and what he wants and says to you. But in all to keep your stress levels down, his problems really aren't your problem until they affect you in someway.

Yes and no. I think that my standards for my self have been a little too high in the past, and that I think I need to learn to give myself permission to relax a little. I thought for a little while that I was applying my high standards to my husband, but in retrospect I realize that it was just an excuse that he was using to avoid responsibility. For example, my husband seems to have stopped mowing the lawn regularly for no reason. I expect him to mow the lawn, which I think is pretty normal, but he'll try to tell me that he has some kind of 'special circumstance' (ie blame me). What was happening was that I was using my high standards for myself to convince myself that I could handle his responsibilities on top of my own, and therefore my load became way too heavy to carry...so I burned out. So in that sense, yes, it was part of the problem.

And, yeah, I agree that his problems aren't my problem until the affect me in some way, but that's the thing - they are affecting me in a lot of ways. Ways that I can't even put my finger on. Having to take on his responsibilities are an obvious one, but the more I understand what is going on here, the more I see that he is controlling everything I do. For example, he decided that I have to use his old junky broken vacuum from college to clean the house with. The motor is broken on it and it stops working half way through vacuuming constantly, but in his mind, this is the best option - so he somehow made me to believe that it's what's best for me. And here I am walking around depressed and with low self esteem, trying to figure out what "my problem" is, and it doesn't even dawn on me that I'm being stripped of my right to make basic decisions for myself such as buying a new vacuum when I clearly need one. So as long as this mind control is going on, his problems ARE my problems because he's making them my problems.

Another thing is when he comes to you to talk or express himself. Don't blow up... just listen and think about what you have to say to him. I'm not saying be nice to him but be blunt if you need to be. I say this because if you blow up in front of him, he won't come to you to express himself.

I subscribed to this line of thinking for awhile, and he started using it to control my expression of emotion. He started telling me that if I got too upset, he wouldn't share his "feelings" with me (ie, he would withhold emotional intimacy). So, I started trying to react to him in the way that I anticipated he would "approve" of because I did not want him to punish me by withholding intimacy. Eventually it turned into my having to help justify his bad behavior for him, and comfort HIM when he hurt ME.

 

[tannicv2]

Yes and no. I think that my standards for my self have been a little too high in the past, and that I think I need to learn to give myself permission to relax a little. I thought for a little while that I was applying my high standards to my husband, but in retrospect I realize that it was just an excuse that he was using to avoid responsibility. For example, my husband seems to have stopped mowing the lawn regularly for no reason. I expect him to mow the lawn, which I think is pretty normal, but he'll try to tell me that he has some kind of 'special circumstance' (ie blame me). What was happening was that I was using my high standards for myself to convince myself that I could handle his responsibilities on top of my own, and therefore my load became way too heavy to carry...so I burned out. So in that sense, yes, it was part of the problem.

And, yeah, I agree that his problems aren't my problem until the affect me in some way, but that's the thing - they are affecting me in a lot of ways. Ways that I can't even put my finger on. Having to take on his responsibilities are an obvious one, but the more I understand what is going on here, the more I see that he is controlling everything I do. For example, he decided that I have to use his old junky broken vacuum from college to clean the house with. The motor is broken on it and it stops working half way through vacuuming constantly, but in his mind, this is the best option - so he somehow made me to believe that it's what's best for me. And here I am walking around depressed and with low self esteem, trying to figure out what "my problem" is, and it doesn't even dawn on me that I'm being stripped of my right to make basic decisions for myself such as buying a new vacuum when I clearly need one. So as long as this mind control is going on, his problems ARE my problems because he's making them my problems.

Before I say anything about this, who handles the money?

I subscribed to this line of thinking for awhile, and he started using it to control my expression of emotion. He started telling me that if I got too upset, he wouldn't share his "feelings" with me (ie, he would withhold emotional intimacy). So, I started trying to react to him in the way that I anticipated he would "approve" of because I did not want him to punish me by withholding intimacy. Eventually it turned into my having to help justify his bad behavior for him, and comfort HIM when he hurt ME.

So he play games. That is a dangerous game. I'll get back with you about this one. I believe I know what he's doing here.

 

[designer mom]

Before I say anything about this, who handles the money?

I do. When we first got married and were figuring things out, he would pay expensive bills two or three times a month without bothering to see that he was spending way more than we were making. I took over because at that point we had a mortgage to worry about (and a baby on the way), and he gladly handed me the responsibility and hasn't looked back. He has no idea how much money we have, how much is coming in, where it's coming from, and how much is going out. He has no idea what our spending budget looks like either, which doesn't really matter since he doesn't buy many things. I constantly encourage him to get involved with the finances, and he constantly lies to me and say's that he's going to, but doesn't (because he lies to shut me up).

However, if I came home with a new vacuum, that would be a problem. He wouldn't come out and say that it was a problem though, he would act thrilled to see it. He would probably even try it out and say that he loves it, but I would find out later that he was lying when he does something weird like refuses to use it, or refuses to ever vacuum anything ever again. That would probably be a punishment that he see as appropriate, he would probably never vacuum again (not that he vacuums often), and he would probably never vacuum up a bug for me ever again either, or fix it if it broke. But then again, he could punish me in a non-vacuum related way, he's done that tons of times. For example, if I do something that he doesn't approve of (like if I don't want to have sex), he'll refuse to take care of the baby when I need him to. He won't tell me that he's refusing, he'll just ignore the baby until I handle it, just to stick it to me. Half the time, I don't even know what he's "punishing" me for, but apparently that doesn't matter to him.

 

[designer mom]

I'm not sure if I mentioned this already or not, but my husband did start seeing a councilor at his job about this. The guy just called me and told me that he thinks that my husband has no personality and that he is trying to absorb mine. He said that he's going to try to work on helping my husband to develop a personality of his own. Then once he has a personality, I have to decide if I like it or not. I can see that my husband doesn't have a personality, but I'm not so sure that helping him to "develop a personality" is the full answer here.

 

[dallasapple]

I'm not sure if I mentioned this already or not, but my husband did start seeing a councilor at his job about this. The guy just called me and told me that he thinks that my husband has no personality and that he is trying to absorb mine. He said that he's going to try to work on helping my husband to develop a personality of his own. Then once he has a personality, I have to decide if I like it or not. I can see that my husband doesn't have a personality, but I'm not so sure that helping him to "develop a personality" is the full answer here.

Oh my gosh...well at least you know for sure now you arent the crazy one..but ...how can somene have "no personality"?I've never heard of such a thing..is there a name to that other than "no personality"?

Dallas

 

[Romanseight2005]

In reality your husband has a set of beliefs. He may not know that though. The counselor would be more helpful if he helped your husband to uncover the beliefs that are driving his behavior. Then, he could work on seeing things clearly, which would also change his beliefs, if that makes sense.

 

[mkgal1]

Oh my gosh...well at least you know for sure now you arent the crazy one..but ...how can somene have "no personality"?I've never heard of such a thing..is there a name to that other than "no personality"?

Dallas

Not that I'm making the link that DesMom's H is just like Scott Peterson....but, this was written about him, as a child:

His humanity didn't matter. He needed to suffocate himself and drown himself, essentially to death, spiritually, to be in this family."There's a psychological threat to him even being a person. So he becomes a person imitating a person. He needs to be perfect in the family. So perfect that he strangles the reality of himself.~
Scott Peterson: Destined To Kill? - CBS News

 

[dallasapple]

Not that I'm making the link that DesMom's H is just like Scott Peterson....but, this was written about him, as a child:

But isnt that a sociopath?

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

But isnt that a sociopath?

Dallas

He was diagnosed as a sociopath. That quote just sounded so similar to what DesMom's H's therapist said....that he has "no personality".

From what I'm understanding.....since there's a spectrum, with varying degrees, a sociopath has a lot of the same unhealthy characteristics as a NS.........just more exaggerated, to the clinical degree. http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

 

[designer mom]

Oh my gosh...well at least you know for sure now you arent the crazy one..but ...how can somene have "no personality"?I've never heard of such a thing..is there a name to that other than "no personality"?

Dallas

Yeah, his councilor specifically said that I'm not crazy and that the situation is serious. He's seeing my husband twice per week. The guy did say "no personality" to me on the phone, but my husband came home and said that he said "underdeveloped personality" to him in person. He said that he also mentioned avoidant personality disorder. I can see where he's coming from with both of those thoughts, but neither of them address the way that my husband is treating me.

 

[designer mom]

In reality your husband has a set of beliefs. He may not know that though. The counselor would be more helpful if he helped your husband to uncover the beliefs that are driving his behavior. Then, he could work on seeing things clearly, which would also change his beliefs, if that makes sense.

I don't think that is the direction that his councilor is approaching this from. I explained to him that I was concerned that he was going to enable my husband to cling to more excuses for his behavior, and he insisted that he would not, but I don't think he understood what I was saying. I think that his councilor thinks that if he fixes my husbands social problems, he'll magically turn into a good husband. Basically, his response to the behavior problems I'm reporting are "if it's really that bad, you can't live there" - like that helps me at all.

Even my husband agrees that he doesn't understand how relationships are supposed to work, or how to treat people. He's even admit to thinking that his way is always the best way and that he's not interested in other peoples opinions on anything (he knows that this is a problem). So it's not like he wouldn't be open to what your saying about changing his beliefs, or at least taking a look at them.

 

[designer mom]

Not that I'm making the link that DesMom's H is just like Scott Peterson....but, this was written about him, as a child:

That's really interesting. My husband grew up in a house where the family was expected to completely ignore any problems and pretend that they weren't happening. When I first met them, I was so confused because his mother was sitting at the dinner table very drunk, slurring her speech and falling off of her chair, and they were all pretending everything was normal. They were talking to her as if she was actually responding to them, and laughing and having a completely "normal" dinner. No one said a word about it, and my husband didn't mention it later on in private. As we were dating, I went on to witness this phenomenon countless times with her drinking and to this day not one of them have ever mentioned it out loud or acted as if something was wrong.

As a result, my husband walks around with a smile glued to his face 24 hours a day. Problems don't exist in his mind, and when I force them to exist, he forces them right back out of existence. His ability to trust his perceptions is non existent. He asks me for directions when driving on a road he's driven on a million times.

I don't know why his family didn't strike me as having deeper issues when I first met them. It's kind of hard to see past their smiles and laughter to all of the dysfunction that lurks beneath. Part of my initial attraction to my husband WAS that I thought he wasn't "all full of drama" like my past boyfriends. I even said to him "it's so nice to finally date a normal guy". I had no idea what I was talking about.

 

[dallasapple]

O.K...so pretty much..your husbands actions arent going to be representative at all of how he realy feels..or what the "assumed" motive for that action woud be?Liek bringing you flowers ?(completely VALIDATES your sort of "oppostie" reaction to something like that )...So all this advice from some to 'assume the best" is just like I thouhgt..NOT APPLICABLE when you are dealing with someone like your husband..Who by his own admission isnt even SURE if hes telling a lie or being sincere himself!

I picked up on anther similarity between your husbands family and my husbands..this whole 'pretend everything is fine" at ALL times when their is ONE clearly messed up in the head person that everyone has to "pretend" isnt acting the way they are..His dad...I will never forget going there for dinner when I was still a teenager..Sitting around the table and its mostly dead silence..all you hear is the forks and knives hitting the plates and people swallowing and gulping thier tea...But an example is his mother I'll call her Mrs.M..would look over at Mr.M and say "hows your steak honey" and he would snap ITS FINE! Im EATING IT ARENT I! then roll his eyes sigh and continue eating..Im sitting there in shock..my face would turn as red as a beet...but everyone else just sat there eating like nothing was wrong..She would just wait a few seconds and repeat the same question to my now husband like 'hows your steak bubba"..and he would say "good" ...She would get up to fix a piece of cake or pie for desert and he RIGHT in front of evryone would say "your going to eat that!?" and she would sheepishly say ..just a little piece not a big piece" and he wousl say "O.K if you want to keep looking like a FAT PIG then go ahead"..again NO one said ANYTHING to him..Then we would recline in the den?For some silent T.V watching..but heres the catch..HE Mr.M...would proceed to "read" HUSTLER (or Penthouse etc)for his after dinner realxation ..INCLUDING unfolding and holding up the "centerfolds" and would OGLE naked women RIGHT in front of me and my husband and his mother..

The point is everyone just acted like none of this was a "problem"..When I would tell my husband later how AWFUL he is especially towards his mother ..and I dont get why no one says anythign and lets him get away with acting like that he would just say 'thats just the way he is"..NO DUH..thats not the point..WHY did everyone ALLOW it without even a WORD of expressed opposition to his behavior?Teh sad thing is he said he DID "feel sorry for his mother"..but he NEVER stood up to his dad..everyone just sat there like he was saying 'the steak is fantasitc thanks for asking"..TBH I wonder how my husband must feel..about being a witness to his mother being abused and just sitting there..???Teh father was cold and distant and critical of the boys too..I think the mother tired to protect them form him..liek lying to the father or hiding it when they made a bad grade or got in some kind of trouble so he wouldnt beat them..

I did draw the line and tell him I refused to go there anymore..if I was going to have to be exposed to a pervert drooling over pornography like an after dinner treat..Apparrently they got the message and in the future..the other behaviors remained but the pornagraphy(stacks of every smut magazine you can imagine) were covered up with other magazines and newspapers and he refrained from his disgusting habit while i was there..

My family had a similar but differnt dynamci..my mother would have fits ..I wont go into detail but lets say they were extremely traumatic for all of us kids..but the next day ..everyoen acted liek it never happened..inclduing my father..there was NO explantion of why that happened..no "sorry if we scared ya'll screamign and yelling"..nothing..just Mama whistling in the kitchen ..cooking adn doing crafts..he woud come home from work and they would greet each other with a peck and a hug ...these fights (terrible terrible all nighters) would happen frequently...Even though we hated it ..and we were truamitized..as childre since NO ONE SAID IT WAS WRONG..we thought it was 'normal"..must be how everyoen is..I mean we never thought to think otherwise..Because no adults told us it was horrific and wrong and that they had serious issues..

This whole 'pretend lie everythign is fine' is so damaging I cant express how deeply it is...Incuding ironically even here ..the encouragement ot minimize yoru husbadns behavior..try and turn it in on you that maybe you re "just stressed"(NOT by yoru husband though .by your homrones or moving or anything but its your husband as the HUGE and primary source of stress) and givign him the benefit of the doubt on REPEATED behaviors that are extremely upsetting to you..that it isnt really what you THINK it is its something much 'nicer' than that..all in order to protect/shield the oen who is bat crazy doing the evil things that are hurting you..

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

I don't think that is the direction that his councilor is approaching this from. I explained to him that I was concerned that he was going to enable my husband to cling to more excuses for his behavior, and he insisted that he would not, but I don't think he understood what I was saying. I think that his councilor thinks that if he fixes my husbands social problems, he'll magically turn into a good husband. Basically, his response to the behavior problems I'm reporting are "if it's really that bad, you can't live there" - like that helps me at all.

Even my husband agrees that he doesn't understand how relationships are supposed to work, or how to treat people. He's even admit to thinking that his way is always the best way and that he's not interested in other peoples opinions on anything (he knows that this is a problem). So it's not like he wouldn't be open to what your saying about changing his beliefs, or at least taking a look at them.

Yes....that *isn't* much help for you.

To me......it seems like this approach may just be about masking the belief system (I can certainly be wrong, though). I just hate how so much money needs to be poured into trying to solve these things, and even after doing that, you may find that wasn't the right therapist---and need to start the process all over again.

 

[mkgal1]

That's really interesting. My husband grew up in a house where the family was expected to completely ignore any problems and pretend that they weren't happening. When I first met them, I was so confused because his mother was sitting at the dinner table very drunk, slurring her speech and falling off of her chair, and they were all pretending everything was normal. They were talking to her as if she was actually responding to them, and laughing and having a completely "normal" dinner. No one said a word about it, and my husband didn't mention it later on in private. As we were dating, I went on to witness this phenomenon countless times with her drinking and to this day not one of them have ever mentioned it out loud or acted as if something was wrong.

As a result, my husband walks around with a smile glued to his face 24 hours a day. Problems don't exist in his mind, and when I force them to exist, he forces them right back out of existence. His ability to trust his perceptions is non existent. He asks me for directions when driving on a road he's driven on a million times.

I don't know why his family didn't strike me as having deeper issues when I first met them. It's kind of hard to see past their smiles and laughter to all of the dysfunction that lurks beneath. Part of my initial attraction to my husband WAS that I thought he wasn't "all full of drama" like my past boyfriends. I even said to him "it's so nice to finally date a normal guy". I had no idea what I was talking about.

That's what happens. While witnessing the standard of "we don't take notice of that" children learn that any "negative" thoughts or emotions they might have, just won't be tolerated----so, they have to squash them.

I understand how you would perceive all that as refreshing (especially if you dealt with high drama before that). Things always look different in hindsight.

 

[dallasapple]

I agree..saying you shoudl just bail is the easiest adn laziest approach..it coudl very well end up you need to leave..but its HIGHLY premature to suggest that sjust what you should do..Your attitude shoud be WE are getting help so there is a lot of hope..that doesnt MEAN if you question or have doubts you should be told "well then just leave then'..Based on that advice anytime we are distressed or having an extremely hard tiem we shoudl ether shut up ..or leave..Why is it all or nothing?Divorce if thats what he meant should be a last resort..and ya'll are JUST now starting to get help..

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

Even though we hated it ..and we were truamitized..as childre since NO ONE SAID IT WAS WRONG..we thought it was 'normal"..must be how everyoen is..I mean we never thought to think otherwise..Because no adults told us it was horrific and wrong and that they had serious issues..

This whole 'pretend lie everythign is fine' is so damaging I cant express how deeply it is...Incuding ironically even here ..the encouragement ot minimize yoru husbadns behavior..try and turn it in on you that maybe you re "just stressed"(NOT by yoru husband though .by your homrones or moving or anything but its your husband as the HUGE and primary source of stress) and givign him the benefit of the doubt on REPEATED behaviors that are extremely upsetting to you..that it isnt really what you THINK it is its something much 'nicer' than that..all in order to protect/shield the oen who is bat crazy doing the evil things that are hurting you..

Dallas

Only when someone says, "this is NOT normal----this is destructive" will things begin to get unraveled. So glad you took the initiative, DesMom. Truth does set us free. It never helps to minimize or look other directions (and especially to pretend the conflicts aren't there).