Starting to resent my husband

[sdmsanjose]

Originally Posted by LinkHhttp://www.christianforums.com/t7651790-24/#post60422879
What type of missions work were you interested in? Is there a specific country or region on your heart? Did you imagine your husband pastoring churches, planting churches, or doing evangelism with you overseas?

REPLY by Designer mom (DM)
I am specifically interested in improving housing and living conditions.

WE (husband and I) were planning on starting to improve housing conditions for people here. We talked about buying real estate in the future so that we could rent it to needy families at reduced rates, and all kinds of things!

DM
You can do your missionary work in any of the 50 states and in some other countries. There are all kinds of Christian organizations that do what you described that you want to do. Join them!

Habitat for Humanity is world wide and is a very good Christian organization. I served on the HFH Board of Directors in my community for 8 years. The families that we helped own homes paid from $250- 450 per month for new 3 bedroom homes.

You can also get involved with Christian churches that get grants and loans from the U.S. Department of HUD that build homes and apartments for the low income families. If you are one of those that feel that the Government is not compatible with Christianity then there are churches that help with improving housing and living conditions without any outside help.

I hope that you will focus your attention on joining one of the organizations that do what you want to do and not depend on your husband to share your dream. I do think that you joining a good Christian organization that does what you have dreamed about will even help you emotionally and spiritually. I did not realize that you were interested in housing but my earlier post (#207) reprinted below seems to be valid.


From post 207
IMO your best plan would be for to you to build yourself up especially emotionally/spiritually. I do not think that you can do enough to change your husband to any great degree. However, you can do a lot to change you. I am sure you know this but maybe a reminder will help.

I still think that you need to work on you and not so much your husband. You are resentful of him and he is resentful of you and you cannot make him change. You can change yourself and I see that as the best plan for you right now. IMO you need to get rid of your resentment, even though your husband maybe the main cause of your resentment, so that God can bless you in your life goals.

 

[LinkH]

designer mom,

Is your husband a mechanical engineer?

There are a lot of opportunities for engineers of all kinds overseas. Perhaps your husband would some day be interested in working overseas, where you could get involved with charities that do the type of work you are interested in.

 

[designer mom]

DM
You can do your missionary work in any of the 50 states and in some other countries. There are all kinds of Christian organizations that do what you described that you want to do. Join them!

Habitat for Humanity is world wide and is a very good Christian organization. I served on the HFH Board of Directors in my community for 8 years. The families that we helped own homes paid from $250- 450 per month for new 3 bedroom homes.

You can also get involved with Christian churches that get grants and loans from the U.S. Department of HUD that build homes and apartments for the low income families. If you are one of those that feel that the Government is not compatible with Christianity then there are churches that help with improving housing and living conditions without any outside help.

I hope that you will focus your attention on joining one of the organizations that do what you want to do and not depend on your husband to share your dream. I do think that you joining a good Christian organization that does what you have dreamed about will even help you emotionally and spiritually. I did not realize that you were interested in housing but my earlier post (#207) reprinted below seems to be valid.


From post 207
IMO your best plan would be for to you to build yourself up especially emotionally/spiritually. I do not think that you can do enough to change your husband to any great degree. However, you can do a lot to change you. I am sure you know this but maybe a reminder will help.

I still think that you need to work on you and not so much your husband. You are resentful of him and he is resentful of you and you cannot make him change. You can change yourself and I see that as the best plan for you right now. IMO you need to get rid of your resentment, even though your husband maybe the main cause of your resentment, so that God can bless you in your life goals.

Thanks, I do totally agree with you here. I actually WAS on habitat for humanity before I met my husband. He just derailed my entire life I guess. I will get involved in things here in the US because it is where my passion lies, and I'm learning to detach from my husbands unhealthy mind control a little bit at a time. I've been starting with small things, such as eating (I'm developing an eating disorder over this), and getting my hair cut. I'm going to go to the mall either tonight or tomorrow and buy myself some new clothes because I don't think I've bought anything for myself since before we were married. I talked to my father about helping me to put our deck back together so that it is safe to walk on (he has emphazima (sp?), but I'm sure my husband would sit around and let a sick old man do the work for him). I held a conference call yesterday morning with one of my clients to solidify that relationship again (I suspect my husband was trying to take my freelance business from me too). Every day I'm taking baby steps to put my life back together, and I'm feeling stronger every day too. Sooner or later I'll be able to accept that I'm not working towards overseas missions and be able to do the next best thing here in the states.

Thanks for your encouragement, it does make me feel a little better to remember that habitat for humanity exists, and that it's right up my alley

 

[designer mom]

designer mom,

Is your husband a mechanical engineer?

There are a lot of opportunities for engineers of all kinds overseas. Perhaps your husband would some day be interested in working overseas, where you could get involved with charities that do the type of work you are interested in.

He has 3 degree's in electrical engineering and is currently working as a systems engineer. However, it looks like he's moving into software engineering in the near future.

My husband has no interest in being a missionary or someday working overseas. None what so ever. He lied.

 

[designer mom]

I just got off the phone with my pastor. The conversation was extremely confusing to me, and I feel like he minimized everything that I was saying to him. I told him that I'm afraid because I do not know what my husband is capable of, and he translated that to "frustrated with the situation". I told him that I think I'm suffering from codependency and that I'm not able to eat because of it, and he translated that to me "throwing psychological terms around" and "using the internet to diagnose myself with cancer when I really have a cold".

Again, I feel like I'm crazy. I feel like a ping pong ball that everyone keeps bouncing around, like my mind is some kind of a game to be played.

 

[mkgal1]

Thanks, I do totally agree with you here. I actually WAS on habitat for humanity before I met my husband. He just derailed my entire life I guess. I will get involved in things here in the US because it is where my passion lies, and I'm learning to detach from my husbands unhealthy mind control a little bit at a time. I've been starting with small things, such as eating (I'm developing an eating disorder over this), and getting my hair cut. I'm going to go to the mall either tonight or tomorrow and buy myself some new clothes because I don't think I've bought anything for myself since before we were married. I talked to my father about helping me to put our deck back together so that it is safe to walk on (he has emphazima (sp?), but I'm sure my husband would sit around and let a sick old man do the work for him). I held a conference call yesterday morning with one of my clients to solidify that relationship again (I suspect my husband was trying to take my freelance business from me too). Every day I'm taking baby steps to put my life back together, and I'm feeling stronger every day too. Sooner or later I'll be able to accept that I'm not working towards overseas missions and be able to do the next best thing here in the states.

Thanks for your encouragement, it does make me feel a little better to remember that habitat for humanity exists, and that it's right up my alley

You may want to see if a Realtor in your area has the number of a reputable handyman to help with the deck (with your dad overseeing things). It shouldn't be too costly that way.

Make my steps secure through your promise, and do not let any sin control me.~Psalm 119:133

 

[sdmsanjose]

By Designer Mom
I've been starting with small things, such as eating (I'm developing an eating disorder over this), and getting my hair cut. I'm going to go to the mall either tonight or tomorrow and buy myself some new clothes because I don't think I've bought anything for myself since before we were married. I talked to my father about helping me to put our deck back together so that it is safe to walk on

YES YES YES, You go girl!

I hope that your Dad can help you and not be any problems for him. This could work out that you and your father have an experience that bonds you even closer together. I hope you will let us know if that happens.

 

[sdmsanjose]

I just got off the phone with my pastor. The conversation was extremely confusing to me, and I feel like he minimized everything that I was saying to him. I told him that I'm afraid because I do not know what my husband is capable of, and he translated that to "frustrated with the situation". I told him that I think I'm suffering from codependency and that I'm not able to eat because of it, and he translated that to me "throwing psychological terms around" and "using the internet to diagnose myself with cancer when I really have a cold".

Again, I feel like I'm crazy. I feel like a ping pong ball that everyone keeps bouncing around, like my mind is some kind of a game to be played

You are not crazy but your pastor is ignorant of co-dependency

I have experience with co-dependency and I want to encourage you to seek someone else about your co-dependency; someone other than that pastor.

You are NOT crazy my dear and your pastor does not have a clue. Sometimes it is a mistake to think that our pastors are professionals in other fields.

If possible find someone that has been in your situation or something similar and has come out of it and is leading a successful life. That will do much more for you than a pastor that is out of touch with your situation.

You sound like a very honest and upfront person. Thank you for being brave enough to share such deep hurts with us.


Stan

 

[designer mom]

You are not crazy but your pastor is ignorant of co-dependency

I have experience with co-dependency and I want to encourage you to seek someone else about your co-dependency; someone other than that pastor.

You are NOT crazy my dear and your pastor does not have a clue. Sometimes it is a mistake to think that our pastors are professionals in other fields.

If possible find someone that has been in your situation or something similar and has come out of it and is leading a successful life. That will do much more for you than a pastor that is out of touch with your situation.

You sound like a very honest and upfront person. Thank you for sharing such deep hurts with us.


Stan

Thanks for your input. I try to be upfront because I know that "you're only as sick as your secrets". I was explaining to the pastor that I'm afraid to get marriage counseling because I do not want it to make me MORE codependent. I felt like he backed me into a corner by making me feel like it would be my fault if the marriage does not improve because I did not put forth the effort to go to counseling, so I reluctantly agreed. I am seeing a psychologist, so I'll be able to weigh his advice against hers.

 

[LinkH]

Hopefully a skilled marriage counselor will be able to recognize co-dependence. Is the pastor wanting you to go to counseling with him.

You are there in the house, and you are picking up on whatever 'vibes' there are. But if your husband lied to you, that doesn't mean that he is violent or physically dangerous. I know when you realize someone has done something you think he is not capable of (lying about various things) you might think if he lies, he might do this, that or the other. I remember one time decades ago my family was staying in a house rented from a man who was related to us by marriage. His ex-wife came to the house, drunk if I remember, claiming the property was actually hers and that her ex-husband was charging us rent for it. He had been to prison in his youth after all. After she left, we started speculating on what other things could be true about him. By the end of our conversation, someone suggested maybe there were hidden microphones in the house and he was listening to us. Then we laughed it off and realized we had gotten a little paranoid after that conversation. She didn't come back, and my guess is she didn't legally own the property. My point is it's easy when you find out bad things about a person to speculate a bit further.


You said you feel like your life got off track after leaving Habitat and getting married. If your husband were committed to missions, your life might feel just as 'off track' after having a baby. You can be productive for the kingdom of God wherever God puts you. And sometimes He uses circumstances that are unpleasant to put us where He wants us.

Did your husband repent or ask forgiveness for lying to you? He needs to work on telling the truth and not being brave enough to speak his mind. But you also need to forgive him and move on. Seeing him as this bad guy who ruined your destiny isn't going to be good for your marriage or your children.

 

[mkgal1]

You are not crazy but your pastor is ignorant of co-dependency

I have experience with co-dependency and I want to encourage you to seek someone else about your co-dependency; someone other than that pastor.

You are NOT crazy my dear and your pastor does not have a clue. Sometimes it is a mistake to think that our pastors are professionals in other fields.

If possible find someone that has been in your situation or something similar and has come out of it and is leading a successful life. That will do much more for you than a pastor that is out of touch with your situation.

You sound like a very honest and upfront person. Thank you for being brave enough to share such deep hurts with us.


Stan

I absolutely agree with Stan. Sadly....there are LOTS of people that are ignorant about things like this, and will sum it up as YOU being "frustrated". The problem isn't stemming from YOU at all, so to ignore the source is a form of denial (and minimizing the real issue, as you said).

Lundy speaks about how "off" the general population of professionals are, when it comes to dealing with people like your husband. He worked specifically with abusive men for 20 years---and it's a whole different "rule book".....they have a completely separate mindset than most people do.

 

[designer mom]

I absolutely agree with Stan. Sadly....there are LOTS of people that are ignorant about things like this, and will sum it up as YOU being "frustrated". The problem is stemming from YOU at all, so to ignore the source is a form of denial (and minimizing the real issue, as you said).

Lundy speaks about how "off" the general population of professionals are, when it comes to dealing with people like your husband. He worked specifically with abusive men for 20 years---and it's a whole different "rule book".....they have a completely separate mindset than most people do.

Thanks, I can see that this is the case. It's no wonder it's so hard for me to trust my gut instinct. Without those of you that are helping to reassure me that I'm not crazy, I probably would be a hopeless case...so THANK YOU!

 

[LinkH]

On an another thread, someone suggested giving a hug could be a form of abuse. I really think we need to reserve the word 'abuse' for things that are more severe. The word conjures up images of battered faces and cigarette burns.

 

[mkgal1]

On an another thread, someone suggested giving a hug could be a form of abuse. I really think we need to reserve the word 'abuse' for things that are more severe. The word conjures up images of battered faces and cigarette burns.

I used the word to describe the men that Lundy worked with (specifically). Lundy works with a program called Emerge---it's he that has labeled them as "abusive".

If the word "abuse" conjures up images of ONLY battered faces and cigarette burns.....maybe that is a big part of the problem.

Do you not see it as an abusive intent to laugh at someone as they're trying to navigate unfastened boards on a deck (and to even HAVE them unfastened for a long period of time----procrastinating in their repair?) Do you not see it as an abusive intent to lie to someone about your life's goals in order to secure your future with them (under false pretense)?

 

[designer mom]

On an another thread, someone suggested giving a hug could be a form of abuse. I really think we need to reserve the word 'abuse' for things that are more severe. The word conjures up images of battered faces and cigarette burns.

Honest to God I would much rather have my husband hit me than to put me through this. Than at least I wouldn't have people like you constantly trying to downplay the severity of what I'm going through. I would willingly sign up for all kinds of physical abuse in place of this mental torment.

 

[mkgal1]

Here's what I believe is a great article that defines what "abuse" really is:

What Is Abuse

Abuse:

​

​

ab-, away from + uti, to use. To use wrongly; misuse. In its most direct and basic form abuse​

means to mistreat or misuse. A tool, a car, a privilege or a child can be abused. Implied in this simple​

definition is the presupposition that we know the proper use of things and for that matter, people as well.​

This basic presupposition has varied some throughout history as well as among different cultures and​

people groups today. Even so, an essence, a reality has existed throughout time and across cultures​

whereby good and God fearing people have treated others as they ought; with respect, dignity, and

fairness. Conversely, evil, godless men have made a habit of devaluing, oppressing and exploiting those

more vulnerable than themselves.​

What do we mean when we use the word abuse today? Certainly we mean that one has mistreated
another, but the word usually means more than that for most of us. We choose the word abuse when
someone has behaved in a way that is not acceptable, when they have crossed a line, when they have
harmed another in a particular way. Safe Place Ministries would like to offer the following working
definition of abuse for your consideration.​

ABUSE IS A MISUSE OF POWER TO CONTROL AND/OR EXPLOIT A MORE VULNERABLE PERSON.​

The presence of a power imbalance and the misuse of power is the central characteristic that distinguishes abuse from other kinds of mistreatment or hurtful behavior.​

More subtle, but no less abusive, are the scenarios where the misuse of power is perhaps not so extreme, but is instead pervasive. Abuse happens when the entire fabric of a relationship is colored by the misuse of one person by the other. Overt acts of physical or even verbal aggression may not be present and yet there is a pervasive lack of mutuality, fairness, and respect and in its place the abuser habitually devalues, disregards, blames and/or controls his/her victim.​

 

[mkgal1]

A key piece of information to hold onto, IMO, is that it isn't about how your husband FEELS (angry, frustrated, fearful....etc).....it's what he THINKS. It's something in his belief system that causes him to believe it's necessary (and acceptable) to lie to you in order to get what he wants.

 

[Romanseight2005]

What is really important aboout Lundy's findings about what defines abuse, is the that pysychological, and emotional abuse have the same effect on it's victims, as hardcore physical abuse. The victims exhibit signs of trama to similar degrees. That is why abuse is more than just physical.

 

[dallasapple]

ABUSE IS A MISUSE OF POWER TO CONTROL AND/OR EXPLOIT A MORE VULNERABLE PERSON.​

Right and I think that can even START as attempting to maneuver a person that doesnt start out as "more vulnerbable" into a more vulnerable position ..in order to then be able to use them once you get them in the more vulnerbael position ..and NONE of it has to involve actual physcial abuse..

Even though I will have to say physcial abuse ALWAYS I dare say is also mental abuse..becasue of the fear it instills and the 'feelings' of being violated and devalued..and mental abuse..being the capacity it has to cause PHYSICAL problems could also in that sort of round about way be physical abuse..Emotional and mental abuse in fact causes a physical reaction in our bodies....stress to my understanding (not PHYSICAL but mental) is the # cuase of many illnesses..it starts out that way it lowers our immune system..

A good example is look at picutres of our presidents..before and after ..especially our 8 year termers..the actual PHYSICAL changes is extradanariy..I read an article and I cant rember by how many times..but the aging process rapididly increases under that enormous stress..

So mental abuse is physically harmful to you ..

Dallas

 

[LinkH]

I wish 'mistreat' were used for the wider variety of cases. "Abuse" gets used so much to describe beating people up and sexually abusing children and things like that.

If your spouse gives you an unwanted hug, and says "you needed that, baby," is it a good idea to put the same label on him/her that is used for child molesters and wife beaters?