Starting to resent my husband

[designer mom]

Yes....that *isn't* much help for you.

To me......it seems like this approach may just be about masking the belief system (I can certainly be wrong, though). I just hate how so much money needs to be poured into trying to solve these things, and even after doing that, you may find that wasn't the right therapist---and need to start the process all over again.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Thankfully, my husbands councilor comes with his job benefits and he's actually located on site in his companies building and our insurance actually covers the cost of my therapist. If this wasn't the case, we'd be on our own because there is no way we could ever afford their rates!

 

[dallasapple]

Oh on the deck thing..when he tried to make it out he couldnt do it because you 'needed his help" with the sleeping(right the peacefully sleeping baby ?)..You need to "learn" to think quick on your feet..Im the fastest shooter in the West.....Tell him thats NOT the truth ..that is a "lie"..O.K?What I NEED you to do or else Im going to make other arrangemnts for your failure to do what is truly needed around here is that deck finished..Im telling you right now thats what I NEED you to do..you can refuse to do it..thats fine ..but you're LYING TO YOURSELF if you imagine that its becasue I need you to do ANYTHING else ..Because FACT I dont..in FACT your pretending that I "need you " for these other things YOU are DECIDING I need (which again I dont) is a NUISCENCE to me not a help..O.K do you understand the defination of nuiscence or should I look it up?Then you can compare that to the definition of "helpful"?

Now that we have the defintions IM TELLING YOU ..What I need and what is helpful to me and what I DONT need and what is a nuisence to me...

Deck being finished (you working every spare minute you have until its done?)=helpful

Checking on ME ..helping me with the baby unless I ASK you to stop working on the deck to do that = nuiscence i.e UNHELPFUL

Got it?

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Does your husband ever try and force you (or it feels liek you are beign forced) to say things like you miss him?Or does he say it for you like in joke form like 'I know you missed me" and then laugh?

Just curious..

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

That's what happens. While witnessing the standard of "we don't take notice of that" children learn that any "negative" thoughts or emotions they might have, just won't be tolerated----so, they have to squash them.

I guess I never realized it before, but my family did the same thing growing up. Well, they tried to at least. I guess this is a common pattern with dysfunctional families. Maybe that's why I didn't even really notice it in my husband's family. Part of me probably even felt like it was comfortable to be around.

I'm still in the process of trying to un-block half of the trauma of my childhood, but I do remember my father being an alcoholic and driving while very drunk with the whole family in the car (on highways while running over curbs), and everyone pretending this was "normal". I also remember that we were only allowed to flush the toilet once per day (the daily family flush?), and we could only shower once per week (for years I shared my weekly shower with my two sisters...all crammed into the shower stall!) because the plumbing in our house was so bad. No one ever told us that this wasn't normal, but obviously I came to figure it out on my own. We lived in these terrible conditions for 9 years of my childhood while my parents wasted money on cigarettes, patio furniture, campers, all kinds of junk that no one needed. Stuff that dressed up the outside of the house, so no one would suspect that we were in hell inside. I used to pay very close attention to the way my friends parents ran their houses so that I could try to put my finger on what was wrong in my own. When I had finally concluded that there were in fact problems, I remember buying myself a parenting book so that I could try to parent myself! Anyway...we were told not to "compare ourselves to other people" and my parents snapped at us and "put us in our place" if we dared to suggest that there were problems. My mother would tell me how much worse her childhood was, and rant about how her father tried to kill her and how he sexually abused her, and I would walk away feeling so guilty and ungrateful and sorry that I could be so "heartless" as to complain about my circumstance that looked like heaven compared to what my mother described. I wouldn't dare bring it up again.

 

[designer mom]

I agree..saying you shoudl just bail is the easiest adn laziest approach..it coudl very well end up you need to leave..but its HIGHLY premature to suggest that sjust what you should do..Your attitude shoud be WE are getting help so there is a lot of hope..that doesnt MEAN if you question or have doubts you should be told "well then just leave then'..Based on that advice anytime we are distressed or having an extremely hard tiem we shoudl ether shut up ..or leave..Why is it all or nothing?Divorce if thats what he meant should be a last resort..and ya'll are JUST now starting to get help..

Dallas

Yes, I was shocked at how quickly this guy started pushing divorce. I keep telling him that I don't believe that my situation warrants divorce even though it is very serious, but that still seems to be his best suggestion to me. It's really frustrating because that's the last thing on my mind, and he keeps trying to explain to me that I "have options". It's really frustrating.

 

[designer mom]

Only when someone says, "this is NOT normal----this is destructive" will things begin to get unraveled. So glad you took the initiative, DesMom. Truth does set us free. It never helps to minimize or look other directions (and especially to pretend the conflicts aren't there).

Thanks, I see that this is true. My husband is confused, and he doesn't seem to understand exactly what he's doing wrong, but he was concerned enough to get himself some help, which wouldn't have happened if I didn't make a big deal out of things. You guys are such a tremendous help though, you really helped me to see that the situation showed signs of being very serious, and it turns out that it is. So thanks so much from the bottom of my heart.

 

[dallasapple]

Yes, I was shocked at how quickly this guy started pushing divorce. I keep telling him that I don't believe that my situation warrants divorce even though it is very serious, but that still seems to be his best suggestion to me. It's really frustrating because that's the last thing on my mind, and he keeps trying to explain to me that I "have options". It's really frustrating.

Just tell him ..Im fully aware I have the right to go get a divorce..I could do that even if my husband was "perfect" not be rude but tell me something I dont know.For the record divorce is not an option ...Now can you still help me or is that all you have to "offer" me?

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

Oh on the deck thing..when he tried to make it out he couldnt do it because you 'needed his help" with the sleeping(right the peacefully sleeping baby ?)..You need to "learn" to think quick on your feet..Im the fastest shooter in the West.....Tell him thats NOT the truth ..that is a "lie"..O.K?What I NEED you to do or else Im going to make other arrangemnts for your failure to do what is truly needed around here is that deck finished..Im telling you right now thats what I NEED you to do..you can refuse to do it..thats fine ..but you're LYING TO YOURSELF if you imagine that its becasue I need you to do ANYTHING else ..Because FACT I dont..in FACT your pretending that I "need you " for these other things YOU are DECIDING I need (which again I dont) is a NUISCENCE to me not a help..O.K do you understand the defination of nuiscence or should I look it up?Then you can compare that to the definition of "helpful"?

Now that we have the defintions IM TELLING YOU ..What I need and what is helpful to me and what I DONT need and what is a nuisence to me...

Deck being finished (you working every spare minute you have until its done?)=helpful

Checking on ME ..helping me with the baby unless I ASK you to stop working on the deck to do that = nuiscence i.e UNHELPFUL

Got it?

Dallas

Yeah, now that I'm starting to see his behavior more clearly, I have been calling him out on it. I've been stopping conversations in the middle and pointing out his weirdness to him. The first time I did that, he stopped, and looked completely shocked at what he was doing. He said that he had no explanation other then "having to make me feel like he was right, even though he knew in his mind he was wrong". For the first time, I left the conversation feeling like I could put my finger on what had happened, and left him standing in the kitchen wondering what is wrong with himself (the way it should be!)

 

[designer mom]

Does your husband ever try and force you (or it feels liek you are beign forced) to say things like you miss him?Or does he say it for you like in joke form like 'I know you missed me" and then laugh?

Just curious..

Dallas

Yes!...the other day he left a note on the Greek yogurt that I picked up from the grocery store saying "I feel loved when you think to pick up my favorite breakfast items". Ugh, I just left a note back saying "That's what married adults do when they're at the grocery store".

 

[mkgal1]

I guess I never realized it before, but my family did the same thing growing up. Well, they tried to at least. I guess this is a common pattern with dysfunctional families. Maybe that's why I didn't even really notice it in my husband's family. Part of me probably even felt like it was comfortable to be around.

It *is* common, because that's how they stay dysfunctional. It's putting the focus on the wrong thing, too.....like how your family of birth focused on dressing things up for others not to notice. I wonder how much things would have changed, had that effort been towards all of you children.

 

[dallasapple]

Yes!...the other day he left a note on the Greek yogurt that I picked up from the grocery store saying "I feel loved when you think to pick up my favorite breakfast items". Ugh, I just left a note back saying "That's what married adults do when they're at the grocery store".

I see..putting way more meaning into it than it really is?Thats a little different than what im talking about..my husband pretends like he has no NEEDS at all so buying him yogurt would be more like "so what i dont need you do that I can do it for myself besides you paid too much for it I could have gotten it cheaper at Wal-Mart"..

Im talking about in a more direct way like calling me after only beign gone 30 minutes and saying "do you miss me"?..and honest to God Im not missign him I'm enjoying my space..but he woud call and ask me that 3 times a day ...then when he got home ..say "you need a hug I KNOW you missed me"..

Its the suffocating aspect of his "non needing neediness"..

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

I'm not sure if you had seen this blog, DesMom...

Healing and Hope: RETHINKING CHARM

Look for a different set of qualities in people, instead of charm. Look for sincerity, dependability, good listening, and an ability to share the spotlight (not having to always be the center of attention). Look for an ability to take feedback and realize when they have made mistakes. Look for flexibility. Look for deep kindness over time (not just big generosity right now, which is part of charm). Look for a person who has successful relationships with (healthy) friends and relatives that have held up for many years. Look for substance.

 

[mkgal1]

Yeah, now that I'm starting to see his behavior more clearly, I have been calling him out on it. I've been stopping conversations in the middle and pointing out his weirdness to him. The first time I did that, he stopped, and looked completely shocked at what he was doing. He said that he had no explanation other then "having to make me feel like he was right, even though he knew in his mind he was wrong". For the first time, I left the conversation feeling like I could put my finger on what had happened, and left him standing in the kitchen wondering what is wrong with himself (the way it should be!)

That gives me hope that he was sincere with you at that time....and that he's going for counseling....and that he's not doing the boomerang thing, where he instantly deflects the blame. IMO....those are all signs of hope.

 

[designer mom]

I see..putting way more meaning into it than it really is?Thats a little different than what im talking about..my husband pretends like he has no NEEDS at all so buying him yogurt would be more like "so what i dont need you do that I can do it for myself besides you paid too much for it I could have gotten it cheaper at Wal-Mart"..

Im talking about in a more direct way like calling me after only beign gone 30 minutes and saying "do you miss me"?..and honest to God Im not missign him I'm enjoying my space..but he woud call and ask me that 3 times a day ...then when he got home ..say "you need a hug I KNOW you missed me"..

Its the suffocating aspect of his "non needing neediness"..

Dallas

Oh man, that's got to be annoying. No, my husband doesn't do that, but he does text me constantly, and as you know he watches me and follows me around the house all the time.

 

[dallasapple]

Oh man, that's got to be annoying. No, my husband doesn't do that, but he does text me constantly, and as you know he watches me and follows me around the house all the time.

Yes annoying to the point it feels like someone is putting a pillow over your face..and in the meantime a mosquitto is buzzing around you landing on different parts of your body stinging you...until you start screaming..GET OFF of me and LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then you are the irrational insane one..and all they were doign was "trying to love you "...but you dont 'love them back"..apparrently..

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

That gives me hope that he was sincere with you at that time....and that he's going for counseling....and that he's not doing the boomerang thing, where he instantly deflects the blame. IMO....those are all signs of hope.

Yeah, I feel like there's hope too. If it does just boomerang again, than I'll know how bad the problem really is, I guess.

 

[dallasapple]

Yeah, I feel like there's hope too. If it does just boomerang again, than I'll know how bad the problem really is, I guess.

There is hope in the fact hes agreeing to counseling and that even though his responses are alarming hes at least communicating..or trying to anyway..And that you are seeking help to understand and want to make it work not bailing..As is insuniated that most women do ..throw "the marraige" away because they wake up one day and dont feel "happy".

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

I'm not sure if you had seen this blog, DesMom...

Healing and Hope: RETHINKING CHARM

I haven't seen it yet, but I'll gladly look through it...thank you.

 

[designer mom]

So, I saw my therapist last night again (she's back from vacation) - she doesn't think that I'm "codependent" - she thinks that I've developed a very high tolerance for dysfunction, so I did not notice what my husband was doing to me until it's effects became so bad that I was forced to see them. This makes sense to me because my current situation looks like heaven compared to what I grew up in. I told her that I've been tempted to go stay with my parents to clear my head, but that I'm hesitant being that they are so dysfunctional, and she agreed that it would be very healthy for me to distance myself from them. She said that my reactions to my husband are "normal" and that anyone in my situation would be feeling the way I am. So, there's another confirmation that I'm not crazy, which helps tremendously.

She thinks that my husband is largely unaware of his behavior problems, and she also said that the way to deal with this is to "back him into a corner" and force him to look at what he's doing while he's in the process of doing it. Being that I've already witnessed this to be effective with him, I think I can trust that she knows what she's talking about.

She agreed with me that my husbands councilor is probably not helping very much, and she said that she wants to start seeing him, which my husband already agreed to. I think she's going to be able to help the situation, thank God.

 

[dallasapple]

I'll say soem other stuff later..but its not good to starve..Im that way too...I lose weight when im stressed...force your self to eat apple slices and keep lots of nuts around..whatever EAT..getting underweight and the resultls of starvtion make you WEAK..So EAT ..I dotn CARE if you THINK it will make you throw up..I DARE you ...It will NOT make you throw up..EAT! YOu dont want to starve..I promise.!